Dating Technology , boyfriend , They didn't have computer dating when we were young.
Effectiveness Safety , bench , I'm gonna flop down here; my feet are killing me.
Lodging , house , I just moved in upstairs.
Food Restaurants , cafeteria , She said she was on a diet and then wiped out the salad bar.
Doctors Health , doctor , Your chest x-ray is fine, but your driver's license has expired.
Ethics Health , cigarette , D'you mind not blowing that cigarette smoke all over me.
Politics art , , This one was painted during the French Revolution.
Dentistry , chair , You'll have to sit up!
Friendship Marriage Safety , friend , Joe's my bodyguard while I tell you where I've been all night.
Health Politics , needle , I want you to know I'm a FIrm supporter of the ERA.
Effectiveness Friendship , , SILENCE NO CAPTION
Ethics Food Miscellaneous , finger , If you ever eat turkey, you're a cannibal!
Animals Pets , dog , Those two seem to be enjoying themselves.
Doctors Safety Doctors Safety , accidents tuba waiting room accidents tuba waiting room , The doctor won't be long. Would you like a magazine?
art , , What are you doing?
Animals Children Pets , child , When I said you could have your friends over for lunch, I meant humans.
Miscellaneous aliens , , This is 'Earth'. We don't hang around here too long - they're all bananas.
Entertainment Health Television , , She was doing her TV exercises and has been stuck there through three soap operas!
Service , Information , What are you asking me for?
Animals , cage , That's nice! You show up and all the gorillas run inside.
Marriage Sports , bandage , I was practicing my karate and she hit me with half a brick.
Dating Service Dating , Cupid Please Wait Here , CUPID DATING SERVICE PLEASE WAIT HERE NO CAPTION
Children Food , birthday , Your teeth are in my jello!
Military , barrel , Did you say that guy next door joined the Army?
Service , airport , Smoking or non-smoking?
Doctors Fashion Health , doctor , I think you're probably in a rut.
Food , cake , I put two eggs in this cake!
Doctors , doctor , Close that door, he's blowing away!
Advertising , laundry , Now, which pile was washed in 'Sudsy-Wudsy'?
Entertainment Food , movie , Please don't slurp that soup while I'm trying to watch the movie.
Animals Food Pets , bag , He's got my tuna fish sandwiches again!
Children , child , That was either Superman or dad falling off the roof.
Children Television , , They shouldn't be showing girls in bikinis when kids his age are watching!
Restaurants Service , menu , It's not egg on toast. It's egg OR toast!
Leisure Sales Sports , fishing pole , My hook's stuck!
Dating Science , Leo , Gee, I thought everyone knew that 'Aquarius' and 'Leo' went well together!
Animals Science , cage , Millions of years of evolution, and that's the latest model!
Fashion Restaurants Service , maitre dis , Isn't he the guy you wouldn't let in last week without a tie?
Food Safety , cake , Oh, oh! It says, 'Must be eaten before Feb. 1978'.
Safety Travel , airplane , I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to return to your seat. We'll be landing in a few minutes.
Animals Health Pets , dog , See what happens when you have too many walkies!
Children Technology , baby , Breaker-one-nine, breaker-one-nine. I need a glass of water.
Health Marriage , cigarette , I can smell cigarette smoke!
Marriage Television , , Watch this! This is where she hits her husband over the head with a saucepan.
Fashion , cowboy , What did you buy that for? You can't even ride a bicycle!
Crime Effectiveness , Smith , What we have here, Williams, is a breakdown in communication.
Restaurants Service , Coffee Second Cup Free , I bought the first cup last Tuesday.
Animals Health , arm , Your wife says you stopped a runaway horse.
Grooming Lodging , His Hers Its , I've put a towel for your mother in here and I'll use the bathroom downstairs.
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , instructor , She needs wider skis.
Health Leisure Sports , clubs , I don't need anything, dear. I'll stay in bed until the fever dies down.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , Her idea of a balanced diet is four pounds of chocolate with four pounds of cake.
Holidays Marriage , bench , I usually leave an extra $10 in one of my pockets on her birthday.
Dentistry , dentist , Okay, now rinse.
Advertising Restaurants , artist , I did quite a bit of painting in the hospital.
Music Training , bed , It's the band finals tomorrow and I have to practice!
Lodging Marriage , feet , I'm waiting to hear you wipe your feet!
Health , bed , Nurse, he's fallen out of bed again!
Effectiveness Miscellaneous , , Don't use that thing, I'll get the spray.
Travel , Gates , Non-smoking unless you're expecting turbulence.
Restaurants Safety Service , husband , Good evening. I'm Andre, your Heimlich manoeuvre specialist.
Doctors Entertainment Health , doctor , He's been at the video rental store all afternoon, doctor.
Effectiveness Health , ambulance , Couldn't he wait?
Diet Doctors Fashion Health , doctor , You're not getting enough Vitamin C.
Health , fat man , He says fitness is a state of mind. He sits there thinking about exercise.
Restaurants Service , Pizza Free Delivery , This guy wants to know if we deliver inside the Arctic Circle!
Entertainment Sports Television , crowd , You don't get the atmosphere like this watching it on television.
Doctors Health , doctor , Breathe OUT.
Grooming , bath , You can get in the bathroom now.
Animals Pets , dog , Every time you take him for a walk he gets longer!
Health , belt , I told you you were putting on weight.
Animals Crime Pets , , I didn't know how to tell you before. The dog ran off 14 years ago.
Lodging Maintenance Television , , You've got exactly 15 seconds to start putting up that wallpaper in our bedroom.
Quality Restaurants , menu , Today's special is all the caviar you can eat for $600.
Ethics Sports , jockey , You were disqualified because you cut across the race track parking lot to win.
Technology , clock , Fifteen seconds away from a peaceful night.
Children Safety , child , I think I'll give it a shot on my own today, Bernie.
Animals Food , cave men , Don't keep saying, 'I wonder what it tastes like'!
Doctors Ethics Health Marriage , bed , Your doctor wants to marry me if you don't make it.
Automobiles Safety , School Motoring , OK, you can stop signaling now.
Lodging Maintenance , husband , Can't you make less noise when you eat?
Lodging Marriage , bed , Don't creep around. I heard the garage door three minutes ago.
Fashion , dress , Vertical stripes will definitely make you look slimmer.
Animals Leisure Sports Animals Leisure Sports , animal animal , I hit it with the truck.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , 4178 , I just found out your lawyer specializes in real estate law.
Animals Newspapers Pets , bird , You put the comics page in here. You know he likes the editorials.
Automobiles Safety , automobile , Will you please ask your mother to sit over on my side?
Quality Restaurants , menu , I know the tablecloth's dirty. Don't forget, this place has been open since 1963.
Crime Marriage , bed , How many times have I told you not to call me at work?
Animals Miscellaneous , husband , I know there's a full moon tonight. Don't keep thinking about it.
Children Crime , baby carriage , We don't have to worry about his future. We were only in the park 10 minutes.
Leisure Sports , clubs , GOLF COURSE 5 MILES NO CAPTION
Retail Safety , groceries , EXPRESS CHECK OUT NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Lodging , husband , Did you lock both of the doors?
Lodging Maintenance , Accounts , Now that you've cut off my electricity, how do you expect me to find my checkbook in the dark?
Effectiveness Retail , husband , She can say 'charge it' in 14 languages.
Banks Crime Health , Banking Organ Bank , Yes, we know exactly what it is. We want to know where you got it!
Quality Restaurants , coffee , Let's see ... you had one cup of coffee and one, two, three packets of sugar.
Leisure Miscellaneous Sports , fishing rod , NO CAPTION
Children , baby , Does Dad know about this?
Automobiles Marriage Sales , Sold , He's in the used car business.
Aliens Education Miscellaneous Training , alien , I'm here on a student exchange program.
Effectiveness Television , , Here, put that tube back, I found your glasses in the kitchen.
Ethics Sales , For Sale 1972 , Is this 38 miles on the odometer genuine?
Food Grooming , bathtub , The water's off. I need some of yours to cook the potatoes ...
Employment , husband , He was on a one-day strike at work today and nobody noticed.
Lodging Maintenance , stairs , I'll be happy when they get that elevator fixed.
Effectiveness Health , bed , George, I'm not going to look out for you forever.
Grooming Music , bagpipes , Couldn't you hear that phone ringing?
Banks Travel , Banking bank , I'm sorry, a snapshot of you at Niagara Falls is not proper identification.
Food , husband , Do you fancy some of this leftover stew?
Employment , boss , If you're the sort of man who can handle a salary of $500,000 a year, you're the sort of man who can sell our product.
Entertainment Music , , Mother, how much longer do we have to listen to this rock and roll?
Animals , husband , He's trying to hatch some duck eggs.
Military , farmer , The army is always looking for bright, young, intelligent guys like you.
Leisure Travel , beach , How's the water?
Food Marriage , bride , Is that how you like your coffee?
Children Marriage , bride , Susan, I won't be prepared to be a grandmother for at least another 15 years.
Retail Service , Customer Relations , So you're the brother-in-law of the lady who bought a dining room set last year.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , scale scale , Any luck?
Mail , , Where do I get postage stamps?
Food , frying pan , You said you wanted your eggs over. Well, they're over the back of the stove.
Doctors Health , doctor , If I don't cure your amnesia remember, you get ten times your money back.
Doctors Food Health , doctor , You need more exercise. Go and get me a cheeseburger with onions.
Crime Employment , bullets , I got a job housekeeping for a motorcycle gang.
Retail , Jewelry , That diamond ring's stuck on her finger. You'll have to get a surgical saw.
Marriage Travel , dwarf , I'm sorry, Harold, but I'm not losing you on the subway during rush hour.
Children , Maternity , I can't wait to see yours.
Crime Lodging Crime Lodging , 219 219 , Sure you've got a choice! The top bunk or the floor.
Entertainment , Telephone , Phew! I didn't think I'd get a cab this late.
Crime Government , police , My friend is filming this with a video camera.
Restaurants Service , husband , I told you not to order tuna in this place.
Friendship Military , shield , I don't suppose you remember me?
Doctors Health , doctor , Whatever you do, don't exercise.
Lodging , fence , Your greenflies are all over my bushes again.
Marriage , friend , I used to pay her kid brother to stay in the same room with us!
Safety , farmers , How many times do I have to tell you to work the other way?
Marriage Travel , friend , We honeymooned aboard his 7-foot canoe.
Lodging Safety , bucket , We managed to put the fire out. Just do the front lawn.
Mail , Not , This one just says 'Fold.'
Animals Miscellaneous Religion aliens , , We will now sing hymn No. 47.
Marriage , antlers , It's the same every spring.
Entertainment Leisure , cards , I'll raise you $200.
Retail , friend , Sure I've got a charge card! But I never leave home with it.
Food Marriage , dinner , You said you wanted dinner served in 10 seconds.
Health Music , Emergency , Follow the blue line.
Health Restaurants , restaurant , Maybe you were allergic to the shellfish.
Service , Please Take Number , Dirty-dine.
Marriage Miscellaneous , Madame Zola , I see you having a big fight with your wife.
Safety , clock , I told him to meet me under the town clock.
Health , husband , I'm not going through this every time you go jogging.
Safety , husband , He keeps having nightmares about being hit by a ship.
Employment Marriage , Bus Stop , My wife doesn't like me working late at the office.
Marriage , friend , Muriel has agreed to marry me again, provided I continue her alimony payments.
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , I don't trust those new-fangled battery-powered pacemakers.
Diet Doctors Health , chair , You're not getting enough calcium.
Crime Entertainment , convict , We're having a costume party this evening.
Doctors Health Safety , doctor , You can undress over there, but watch out for my rubber plant.
Health Marriage Newspapers , bed , I really look forward to your visits.
Animals Banks Pets , Banking bank , I'll need one other co-signer.
Construction Doctors Health , bed , He's been like that for three days after hitting his thumb with a hammer.
Fashion , ball , Disgusting! Look at her skimpy bathing suit.
Restaurants Service , husband , Will you try to look as if you're enjoying this ... I'm trying to make a living here.
Fashion , hats , He's terrible at making decisions.
accounting , husband , They took away his library card when they found out he was a bookkeeper.
Children Effectiveness Holidays , Happy 80th Birthday , You're supposed to blow them out!
Miscellaneous Technology , Bus Stop , I told you we should have brought an earth buggy with us.
Animals Pets Training , bowl , You never give up, do you!
Retail Service , Hardware , D'you want me to pull it off?
Doctors Health , doctor , Here's my bill. That should stop you from smoking and drinking for a few months.
Food Health Quality Restaurants , cards , I need 148 get-well cards.
Innovation Safety , bandages , I was rubbing two sticks together and discovered first-degree burns.
Food , cane , It's shepherd's pie again.
Effectiveness Travel , automobile , Four blocks north. If it's not there, eight blocks south.
Marriage Travel , Paris , Two round-the-world cruises in opposite directions.
Employment Marriage Travel , husband , We're going to Italy for a week on his overtime pay.
Food Restaurants , menu , Same as yesterday: one sausage, four french fries, and 11 peas.
Marriage Retail , friend , She's been trying to lower inflation with my credit card.
Automobiles Safety , husband , I won't be able bring the car back 'til low tide.
Automobiles Children , child , Are you gonna be able to afford a car by the time I need to borrow it?
Holidays Marriage Television , husband , Luckily, our honeymoon suite had a TV in the bedroom.
Doctors Health , chart , Just put it back on the wall and sit down.
Employment Marriage , friend , We're planning a second honeymoon if I can get an hour off work.
Marriage , friend , I have to drive him home after every party.
Effectiveness Employment , employer , I always wear my lucky hat for job interviews.
Automobiles Music Safety , husband , I rolled the car on the way to band practice.
Automobiles Health , bandages , I told her, 'the turning point for the women's liberation movement came when some guy invented the automatic transmission.'
Service Travel , beach , The airline lost my luggage again.
Death , bench , To be honest, I'd heard you'd gone abroad.
Crime Lodging Maintenance , husband , I've got to get some new curtains for the living room. Where did you hide the $6 million?
Employment Fashion Retail Sales , phone , Did you advertise for an experienced salesman in ladies underwear?
Employment , friend , He fell off the corporate ladder when he asked for the minimum wage.
Death Ethics , booth , Listen, I've got to go. That guy's still sitting here waiting to use the phone.
Fashion Retail , , FASHION NO CAPTION
Automobiles Innovation Restaurants , Driving School Pizza Delivery , Pull up to the front of that apartment building and wait with the engine running.
Food Quality Restaurants , menu , If you order the chili, I need to know your next-of-kin.
Animals Food Restaurants , chef , I'll have two eggs and some H ... A ... M.
Entertainment , ears , I wouldn't be able to see the movie if she hadn't had her ears pierced.
Employment Lodging , Ohm Sweet Ohm , He makes $35 an hour as an electrician.
Crime Effectiveness , Warden , O'Reilly, did you leave all this junk on my desk?
Crime Death , axe , That doesn't count, he moved!
Animals Ethics Pets , husband , How could anyone flush a goldfish down a sink?
Children , baby , They haven't built the crib that can hold me.
Effectiveness Food Travel , fat man , Go past a steakhouse, turn right at the donut shop, then keep going until you see a fish and chip place opposite two pizza parlors. If you come to Harry's Hamburger Joint, you've gone too far.
Crime , dungeon , You're being released. Be ready to leave in 30 minutes.
Animals Food Animals Food , birds birds , Keep your mouth closed when you're eating.
Holidays Marriage , Christmas , Open this up exactly halfway between Christmas and your birthday.
Automobiles Technology , New Electric Car , You just plug it in once a year.
Health , , Don't start hiding. I know where you are.
Children , baby , He's got his grandfather's nose.
Doctors Health , bed , Your boss wants to hear you cough.
Animals Pets , Vet , Don't ask.
Technology , clock , That's for that big, antique clock we put in the kitchen.
Safety Technology , armr , I caught my arm in a copy machine.
Employment , boss , I am an equal opportunity employer. That's why I've decided to give all the other employers an equal opportunity at your services.
Death Marriage Religion , bride , Hold it! Hold it! My whole life is flashing before my eyes.
Construction Death , egyptian , None of those buildings used to be there.
Doctors Health , doctor , It's nothing to worry about. You're dehydrated.
Animals Farming Food , chicken , Cradle snatcher!
Holidays Religion accounting , accountant , I am well aware that it's a religious holiday. But Christmas expenses are not deductible from your taxes.
Doctors Health , bed , How are you feeling?
Mail , , This is my rent check. Make sure it circles the globe a few times.
Leisure Safety Sports children , , Guess which tree my dad hit.
Effectiveness Safety , Tropical Plants , There's a $100 bill in here!
Children Religion , baby , Rambo ... Terminator ... Michael.
Children Education , child , If you get straight A's at school, I'll buy you the 100 megabyte computer with the removable hard-drive instead of the golf clubs.
Retail , Jewlry , How can you tell if an uncut diamond is genuine?
Children Newspapers Safety , axe , Will you please take this chopper away from him. I'm trying to read.
Automobiles Training , Driver School Motoring , My husband will be doing all the parking.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , arm , Does that hurt?
Health , Prescriptions , Read the instructions very, very, very, very, carefully.
Lodging Maintenance , bags , Don't forget to take out the garbage.
Automobiles Maintenance Marriage , automobile , The tow truck will be an hour. Why don't we rotate the tires?
Lodging Travel Travel , magazine , HOME ROTTEN HOME NO CAPTION
Quality Restaurants , Wine list , I'll have a glass of anything made after 1996.
Employment Military , Left , I see you spent the last 20 years in the Army.
Children Dating , Chip , My parents met through a computer dating service.
Children Dating Fashion , child , I got a date! Mom said I could borrow your best coat.
Dentistry , dentist , It's coming.
Crime , Police , It's a blue 10-speed with the front wheel missing.
Employment , bandages , I'm not interested in excuses. You're four minutes late.
Fashion , bum , Got any old clothes to throw out with the initials 'GH' on them?
Restaurants , Ice Cream , She's been here over an hour and she still can't decide.
Technology , husband , My personal computer just told me to mind my own business!
Animals , bird , THE BIRD FEEDER IS EMPTY NO CAPTION
Employment , husband , What do you mean they want you to take an early retirement next Friday without your pension?
Banks , Banking Loans , Can you sign it for me? I didn't bring my glasses.
Animals Children , chick , I know you're cold. It's cold for all of us.
Effectiveness Sales , beggar , If you don't like to see me begging in the street, give me a thousand bucks!
Service , bed , You may serve the coffee now, Bellows.
Doctors Marriage Safety , bandage , It was a pure accident. He was trying to cut my credit card in half.
Sales , Pencils , D'you want your two dollars change or buy shares in this company?
Ethics Miscellaneous , Telephone , Listen, I'd better go. That guy's still waiting to change his clothes.
Lodging Maintenance , door , I thought you were going to oil this door?
Effectiveness Health Innovation Safety Travel , Exray , Is it OK if he has a chest X-ray?
Marriage Safety , bandage , How was I supposed to know you were in the shower when I flushed?
Effectiveness , barrel , Wine production is way up since we piped in disco music.
Fashion Retail , Menswear , Sir, you're changing in our display window.
Animals Pets , cat , Did you feed this cat?
Doctors Health , doctor , We had to put a steel plate in your leg.
Safety , Emergency , I can't stop.
Marriage , , Her previous three marriages didn't work out.
Children Religion , baby , All I said was, 'I doubt if they'll ever let him sing in the choir.'
Fashion Retail , arm , The other arm.
Crime Sales , bicycle , If you buy the bike, I'll throw in the parking meter.
Friendship Lodging , bed , I'd like to see him borrow this lawnmower again!
Children Employment , child , Kiss him good night. He starts his new job tomorrow.
Dating Marriage , bat , Harold, you've got to learn to take 'no' for an answer.
Marriage Travel , bride , There's no sense spending all our honeymoon money before we get there.
Lodging , hook , How am I supposed to guess the size of hook you wanted over the phone?
Ethics Military , castle , Just because we're outnumbered 100 to 1 is no excuse for that kind of language!
Health , Emergency , We're trained to ignore pain and suffering during our coffee breaks.
Doctors Health , bed , Just a little exploratory surgery.
Automobiles , car , Excuse me. I wonder if you would give me a little push?
Animals Food , flipper , I don't know how you can eat those things.
Leisure children , , Dad, we nearly caught a fish this big!
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Of course I love you. I want to share all your grandchildren.
Children Education , child , Dad, I need a note for school tomorrow ... preferably a $10 bill.
Effectiveness Food , cake , You wouldn't believe the time I had getting this cake out of the oven!
Education Effectiveness Training , dunce cap , I've been going to those adult education classes.
Religion Science , plant , I was really hoping to be reincarnated as a German shepherd.
Philosophy Politics , microphone , I believe patriotism is a good thing here, but not for people in foreign countries.
Marriage , curlers , He was very romantic when we first got married, but you know how men change.
Animals Pets , dog house , He hates taking his bath.
Entertainment Marriage , husband , I can't find my clean underwear.
Science , ape man , His great great-grandfather on his mother's side was a Neanderthal.
Doctors Health Music , doctor , Your head is rejecting your eardrums. How long have you been a musician?
Sales Sales , house house , Good morning, sir. Is your wife home?
Animals Marriage , bathtub , What are you up to?
Food diet , , Today's diet; one spoonful of peas and half a carrot.
Children Education Food , child , His teacher wants you to bake a cake for him to take to school. Must be a geology lesson.
Military Music , Band , Harry can't reach his drum!
Food , belt , It's the results of that cooking competition. You've been awarded a 'black belt.'
Marriage , bomb , Don't forget it's my mother's birthday tomorrow.
Marriage Television , , Supper ready?
Dating , boyfriend , When you told me on the phone you were 42, 22, 38 I didn't realize you meant your age, your I.Q., and your shoe size.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'm well aware you're only 28 years old. That's why I'm telling you to take better care of yourself.
Banks Employment , Banking bum , How's it going? I'd heard you quit your job at the bank.
Doctors Health , bed , Come on, don't waste my time. Get out of there.
Doctors Effectiveness , bandage , That too tight?
Health Marriage , bikini , Did I hear you right? Did you just tell me I'm starting to put on weight?
Employment Innovation , friend , He's trying to figure out a way to clone himself so he can stay home all day and still get a paycheck.
Friendship Health Marriage , bandage , I told her I wanted a 'trial separation' so she tried to separate my shoulder!
Employment Health Marriage , bed , Your manager came over to see you, so I told him you were out.
Marriage , bed , You wouldn't believe the dream I just had.
Doctors Health , doctor , He says you gotta go to bed and take a couple of aspirins.
Health , Maternity , False alarm. Your wife had an inflamed gall-bladder.
Fashion , , Even if they have got it in your size, it'll cost at least a hundred bucks.
Marriage , husband , Yeah, well you're not exactly an oil painting yourself first thing in the morning.
Entertainment Marriage , date , Surely you can go bowling with Harvey another night?
Children , bald , Want me to get you a wig for your birthday?
Marriage , husband , So I'm five minutes late with the supper. You don't have to eat the plate.
Friendship Leisure , accordion , Gee Ralph, the party was yesterday!
Entertainment Marriage , dance , I'm telling you for the last time, I don't wanna go to a disco. I'm going to bed.
Health Marriage , bed , I told you not to drink all that coffee.
Travel , airplane , Ma'am, the Captain has requested that you give him a few minutes advance warning should you wish to leave your seat during the flight.
Marriage , husband , If you don't keep quiet I'm gonna phone all your friends and tell them how old you really are.
Doctors Technology , doctor , Good grief man! How does anyone swallow an electric toothbrush?
Children Dating , boyfriend , This is my new boyfriend. Can he have something to eat?
Restaurants Service , table , I didn't call you a 'shrimp'. I said, 'Can I get you a DRINK?'
Employment Marriage , Corn Flakes , Whaddyer mean, 'I'll be late for work'? It's six o'clock in the evening.
Fashion Grooming , dresser , There are four socks in here. One blue, one brown, one green and one red.
Education , child , I guess things have changed since I was at school, Headmaster!
Entertainment Television , Guide , I'm not watching 'Lawrence of Arabia' in black and white on this thing.
Restaurants , husband , No thank you. My husband's a reformed wino!
Effectiveness Food Marriage , Crackers , How am I supposed to sleep with all that crunching? If you must eat those things, take your teeth out.
Employment Health , bed , I phoned your office and they didn't even know you were off sick.
Children Employment , child , Your mother tells me you're 'contemplating'. See if you can contemplate getting a job.
Marriage Travel , bandage , We were discussing separate vacations last night. Sorry about all the noise!
Miscellaneous Technology , farmer , You say it was a silver, cigar-shaped object and had the letters U.F.O. painted on the side?
Marriage , bride , Will I what?
Leisure Sports , bed , If you don't go to sleep, you're gonna be practicing that swing in a wheelchair.
Innovation Science Technology , boss , You asked us to build a computer which could replace the government.
Miscellaneous , big foot , Every summer we get another rash of 'Littlefoot' sightings.
Children , child , I know it's expensive to bring up a kid. Why come to me with your problems?
Marriage Newspapers , husband , If you ever need a brain transplant, it'll be rejected.
Dentistry , dentist , Dentistry's come a long way in the last few years.
Children Marriage , child , Mom found your credit cards under the mattress and she's gone shopping.
Dating Restaurants , date , Have what you like up to $1.50.
Marriage , chair , You in one of your moods again?
Animals Food , bed , It was in the freezer and must have thawed out!
Fashion Retail , hat , Is it a gift or do you want to try it on?
Holidays Marriage , christmas tree , Socks again! I bought you a digital watch.
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage , husband , If that's supposed to improve your looks, it worked!
Marriage , bed , Lights out!
Entertainment Leisure , board game , Let's see. How much rent do you owe me with 17 hotels on Boardwalk?
Food Restaurants , beggar , Have you finished with that?
Dating , assistant , I wouldn't call it a blind date. It was more like a close encounter of the third kind.
Children Newspapers , child , I'm not going to listen to you if you keep calling me 'paleface'.
Children Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Dennis is a sweet sensitive guy, and if you don't let us get married he's gonna break both your legs.
Friendship Leisure , cards , Albert, if you want a sandwich, they're $10 each!
Ethics Philosophy Politics , Down With Male Chauvinism , I was one of the first to realize that it's not a woman's fault, the way she was born.
Food Health , bed , I told you cheese didn't agree with you.
Doctors Health , doctor , Forget the facelift. I think we'll try lowering your body.
Food , husband , It's stew, but I put too much water in it.
Dating Grooming , date , I can't go out tonight, Frank; I'm washing my hair.
Grooming , bathroom , So you dyed your hair and it turned green. You can't spend the rest of your life in this bathroom.
Health , Your Weight , It says. 'Step off the machine immediately or you'll be charged with malicious damage!'
Doctors Health , doctor office , The doctor will see you now Mr. Harris.
Maintenance , bucket , Don't do it! Think of your wife and kids.
Children Entertainment , adult , We don't care whose house it is, we don't want you at our party.
Grooming Service Grooming Service , barber barber , Gimme a trim around the cap.
Friendship Marriage , bandage , I said we ought to iron out our differences so she hit me with the steam iron.
Food Marriage , dinner , I thought you liked liver!
Doctors Health , doctor , Why don't you listen. I said you need a chiropractor not choir practice!
Effectiveness diet , , THINK THIN NO CAPTION
Animals Leisure Travel , beach , It's a piece of wood!
Children Education , child , The marquis of Halifax writes, 'The vanity of teaching doth oft tempt man to forget he is a blockhead'.
Quality Technology , husband , No wonder this pen's got a lifetime guarantee. The cap won't come off.
Animals Health Pets , cat , Well, now we know who's been swiping your hormone pills.
Quality Restaurants , Cafe Home Cooking , If you only knew.
Entertainment , Cinema Now Showing , For Pete's sake, don't sit behind her when we get inside.
Effectiveness Marriage food , , Two can live just as cheaply as one, Norman.
Crime Ethics , criminal , Well, if you didn't rob the bank, how are you gonna pay my legal fees?
Animals Marriage Pets , dog , See that! I said the dog looked like your mother and it bit me.
Marriage Miscellaneous , , Your mother's out in the yard.
Marriage , bed , I don't care if he is your grandfather; he's not staying another week.
Food , gun , It wasn't THAT under-cooked.
Automobiles Children Dating , child , Boy, if you could see my date for Saturday, you'd go straight out and buy a new car.
Children , child , We're gonna have supper as soon as you shove off.
Dating , boyfriend , I'm sorry I'm two hours late, but are you nearly ready?
Entertainment , husband , Do you have to keep saying 'bunch of junk' every five minutes. I'm enjoying it!
Doctors Health , Blood Clinic Give Blood , How d'ya feel about giving a quart?
Leisure Sports , fencing , There ... now argue!
Marriage , husband , When I said for better or for worse, I didn't know the worse was gonna be this worse.
Animals Marriage Pets , bed , Whose turn was it to put out the dog last night?
Marriage Safety , gun , Don't look at me like that, I was polishing it.
Crime Holidays , guard , It's my birthday!
Health Innovation , indians , What's jet lag? I think I've got it.
Food Quality Restaurants , chef , The guy at table 7 said you ought to have been a saddle-maker.
Health , hospital , My wife wants to read for a while so I thought I'd watch you guys.
Travel , airport , It's the airport! Your suitcase is in Alaska and your brown bag is on the way to Singapore.
Children Dating , child , I know women change after marriage. That's why I found someone who can't cook and argues all the time.
Food Maintenance , fish , Whaddyer want for supper, fish or meat?
Marriage , check book , When are you gonna understand? We're not 'jet-set' we're 'train-set'.
Holidays , Christmas tree , Take a good look. That's a 1977 tree in a 1969 pot.
Animals Lodging , , Look at this! You give those mice an inch and they take a mile!
Doctors Health , doctor , He says you gotta go to bed and take a couple of aspirins.
Friendship Health Marriage , bandage , I told her I wanted a 'trial separation' so she tried to separate my shoulder!
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , accused accused , What exactly do you mean by 'Let's you and me settle this outside in the alley!'
Ethics Marriage , husband , I've told you a million times, DON'T EXAGGERATE!
Retail Sales , Maps City Maps , GET LOST.
Automobiles Fashion Marriage Travel , costume , Trust you to run out of gas on the way to a fancy-dress ball, dressed as an arab sheik.
Animals Fashion Travel , arrows , Pity ... would've made a nice set of luggage.
Ethics Leisure Sports , axe , You must be the new member.
Animals Pets Safety , bug , What'sa matter with that goofy cat?
Employment Ethics , axe , I want you to know there's nothing personal in this!
Automobiles Children Ethics Sales , , Hey kid ... wanna buy a car?
Animals Religion , ark , I think I'll just settle for one of these!
Dating , jane , If you Jane, me not Tarzan.
Education Quality Education Quality , , Don't forget to do your homework. Who wrote "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"? Elton John. Bee Gees. Who led the Crusades? Which season? Joe Namath. Can I go out and play now? See you later. Is that all he learns at that school - pop music and baseball?
Politics Politics , , That's something we don't see enough of nowadays... Craftsmanship. I'm Harold Bogg. ...When I'm elected, I intend to reduce taxes... create new jobs... improve the highways... cut interest rates... double retirement benefits.... I hope I can count on your vote next... Thursday...... Put him down as "Undecided
Marriage Safety , bottom , How could anyone sit on a welding torch?
Construction Effectiveness Employment Quality Safety , blade , See that?! I forgot to tighten the nut.
Employment , assistant , You've got an hour to paint your nails and talk to your mother. I'm going to a meeting.
Marriage , breakfast , Let's face it; if you'd really loved me, you'd have married someone else!
Employment Quality Employment Quality , Union Union , I'm happy to tell you that we've decided to give you the job! We'll start you at $18,000 a year. It's not a lot, but if you work hard and have ambition, you should do well. Learn all you can and become an integral part of this growing company... Remember... My door is always open. Do you have any questions? Any idea when we'll be going on strike for more pay?
Children Entertainment Leisure , chess , Whaddya mean 'checkmate'? Get to bed.
Doctors Education Health Training , child , You've got to start sometime. Why don't you operate on this one?
Children Entertainment Leisure , child fair , Don't be such a miser! Take him on the Rocket Ride again.
Dating , boyfriend , It's nothing personal, Harold, but you make me sick and I never want to see you again.
Effectiveness Employment Quality , Experienced Night Guard Wanted security , I can assure you I wake up at the slightest sound.
Marriage , chair , All the clocks have stopped!
Children Leisure Sports Children Leisure Sports , , Don't argue! It's my serve... What's the score? Eleven games to me... And none for you. I'm not playing anymore... You hit that twice! Twelve to me. That was OUT! The sun's in my eyes... I wanna change ends. Big Baby!
Doctors Health , diary psychiatrist , For a guy who writes his diary a month in advance, yes I'd say you were in a rut.
Doctors Health , couch psychiatrist , If you want a concise, professional opinion: You're as nutty as a fruitcake.
Innovation Leisure Marriage Sports , puppet , Why don't you let your husband go to the ball game?
Ethics Safety , giant , QUIT SHOVING!
Dating , boyfriend , Of course I care for you. Money and looks aren't everything, you know!
Doctors Effectiveness Health , chart , According to this, you've been having a back problem.
Grooming Marriage , bath , That's the second time you've fallen asleep in the bath with your mouth open.
Doctors Health , doctor hospital operation , He thinks we're muggers!
Children , bat , Wake up, Daddy.
Employment Restaurants Employment Restaurants , , Table for one, sir? D'you need anyone to wash dishes? We're fully staffed. I could clean tables or maybe do a spot of cooking... Will you push off! You have a reservation for seven o'clock.. ...Fourteen oeople, name of Parker... So what! We won't be coming.
Children Marriage , child , Smarten up! Sometimes I think your father's got more brains than you have.
Children Employment , child , I told you I was smart. My teacher says she's given up trying to teach me anything.
Animals Pets , bird parrot , Now, Polly, let Mr. Herman finish his coffee.
Children Dating Education Effectiveness , child parenting , You know, if you keep telling me about birds and bees, I'm gonna lose interest in girls.
Innovation Miscellaneous Science , frankenstein , He's a self-made man.
Construction Doctors Health Maintenance , bed hospital , Relax, I've come to fix the window.
Crime Employment Innovation Lodging , glass , It just says, 'Windows repaired - five bucks.'
Employment Food Restaurants Service , 2207 , That was a good idea, sending out for pizza while the elevator's on the fritz.
Effectiveness Employment Lodging , bed , Psst, boss. I guess this is not a good time to ask for a raise, huh?
Children Education Holidays , apple school teacher , I'd better warn you. If my grades don't start improving, one of us won't be getting a new bike for Christmas.
Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage Travel Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage Travel , , There should be a gas station along here somewhere! Don't argue! Go up that hill... Keep going.. Look for a bridge... Next to a hospital.... Straight ahead! I didn't say 'Go left'. Something's wrong! I can see mountains... Try left. Don't turn here! Keep to the right... Make a u-turn here... Steady! We're lost! Well YOU'RE DRIVING!
Grooming Retail Sales , customer , There! It fits like a glove when you stand up straight.
Effectiveness Food Marriage Restaurants , dinner , And you wonder why I never want to go to Italian restaurants!
Effectiveness Employment Grooming Quality Service Training , barber , This is your last chance. If you scalp this one, you're through.
Grooming Health Marriage , chair medicine , You getting athlete's foot is about as ridiculous as a coal miner with sunstroke!
Food Restaurants Service , chairs , Even as a kid I was a slow eater.
Doctors Friendship Health , bandages hospital , You're looking a lot better today, Ralph.
Animals Food Marriage Pets , Doggie dog , How would you like to eat off the floor every day?
Maintenance Marriage , briefcase , Whaddya mean, 'nothing to do'? Who do you think defrosts the fridge?
Health Leisure Marriage Sports , exercise jogging , You must have run a mile this time - you've been gone four minutes.
Employment Holidays Marriage , boss , Why take a week off? You've got time to get married and have a honeymoon on one of your coffee breaks.
Employment Quality , Manager , I've got two other applicants to see before I make my final choice.
Friendship Leisure Sports , club golf , All bets are off if you don't quit laughing.
Art Children , Dad , It was supposed to be Mom, but I messed it up.
Construction Effectiveness Lodging Philosophy , Real Estate , What are you looking so happy about? D'you know my rent's gone up again! I'm sick of the rat-race! I'm gonna build a wooden cabin by a lake and live in it.. I thought you were broke! How will buy materials? I'll need to borrow your hammer!
Effectiveness Retail Sales Service , Complaints , Try to imagine how much I care!
Animals Pets , bench dog , Yeah? Well if people look like their pets, why don't you go home and look after your gorilla?
Effectiveness Friendship Innovation Safety Technology , bird , As soon as my arms get tired, I'll come down and you can have a go.
Diet Employment Food Innovation , boss , Listen, if you want to eat in the office BRING SANDWICHES!
Children Education , child , His English teacher says he's a groovy, far-out kid.
Children Philosophy Children Philosophy , , You here again, Uncle? What do you want to be when you grow up, Stevie? Rich - like you, Uncle! If I had lots of money, I'd buy a great big car... Then every Sunday, I'd drive over to see my sister... ... And if she had a poor little kid... I'd give him TEN BUCKS!
, actor actor , How come I never get a copy of the script?
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , , What are you up to? Where are you going with all my bread? Feed the birds! You're supposed to put out crumbs, not great chunks like that!! Why do you have to do everything backwards? You feed YOUR birds... I'll feed MINE!
Miscellaneous Sports , history , You're fighting the King in the semi-finals, so just duck once and he won't get too tired.
Death Religion , The End Near coffee , Have I got time for a cup of coffee?
Doctors Health Service , bed hospital hospital , The results of all your tests were negative. Get lost!
Dentistry Health , chair , Don't worry, this'll probably hurt me more than you.
Automobiles Children , broom , He opened all the windows halfway through the car wash.
Food Restaurants , Hot Dogs dog hot hot dog , HOLD IT.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , Are you eating properly and getting plenty of exercise?
Health Miscellaneous Music , Quiet library , He says it's no use. He just has to do it.
Friendship Sports , ball golf , D'you realize we've been out for four hours and we're not even on the third green?
Grooming Retail , bath bathing , Is that everything, just a bar of soap?
Food Marriage , dinner , Onions ... garlic ... they look the same to me.
Health Innovation Military Science Technology , NASA astronaut , Commander, how does it feel to be back on Earth after six months of weightlessness?
Doctors Health Safety , disease , Here, don't touch the stick.
Marriage Music Technology , audio stereo , Why don't you buy a proper set of headphones?
Effectiveness Friendship Sports , club golf , Okay, take a break!
Grooming Retail Sales , coat , If you're going to wear that coat, I think you could use a lighter shade.
Lodging , door neighbor , Did you knock?
Lodging Music Television , clarinet neighbor , Hey, I'm trying to watch television.
Lodging Marriage Sales , encyclopedia , I called earlier but your wife said you hadn't got the intelligence to read these books.
Food Retail Food Retail , , Is that everything? I haven't been grocery shopping for years! What's the damage? $48.50 Are you joking! What is it without the meat? $24.58 Hold on! I'll just take the bread and milk. $5.15 I only brought four bucks!
Crime Government Travel , Customs security , Look in my sister's blue bag.
Grooming Marriage Retail , Beauty Aids , Want me to get you a shopping cart?
Food Grooming Marriage , bath , Why do you always decide to take a bath just when supper's ready?
Employment Health Holidays , boss , Okay Watson, come back inside. You can have the afternoon off.
Entertainment Food Miscellaneous Quality , fruit gambling machine slot slot machine , NO CAPTION, - MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF SLOT MACHINE WITH FRUIT COMING OUT OF IT
Animals Effectiveness Pets , bull horns dog security , There, let's see a burglar get past him!
Marriage Safety , china , She gets nervous when we use the new dishes.
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , , Is that you? How do you like my new outfit? Who are you supposed to be? I'm tired of the same old blues and grays! Why look like everyone else? This is now! Get your coat... I'm taking you to a movie. Was it on sale?
Automobiles Children Marriage Safety , car child , Gimme the keys. Mom said I could borrow the car.
Employment Marriage , , If you're after more money, you can forget it! Sir... I know you're a millionaire and I'm a clerk.... But I want to marry your daughter. I suppose some would call me 'old-fashioned' but I believe true love conquers everything. Which daughter?... I've got four of them! I'll let you decide!
Lodging Marriage , roots , I told you you planted that tree too close to the house.
Animals Pets , cat couch , The cat went berserk!
Dating Dating , , I'm ready to go... Are you ready? I love these hunting trips... What shall we go after today? Something BIG. Let's try that old water-hole... We've had some luck there before. Let's go! Wow! Look at the size of that one. Wait 'til I make the first move. ... D'you come here often, sweetheart?
Food Military Restaurants , Exit reputation , What a stroke of luck - you being in the Army with the head waiter.
Crime Marriage Crime Marriage , , Where have you been? Its two o'clock in the morning! You'll never believe where I've been..... I was jumped by some thugs! They took all my money and held me hostage in a bar all night. You NEVER believe ANYTHING I say..... I believe every word of it! As a matter of fact, the same bunch came back here and smashed up all your golf clubs.
Service Travel travel , air air baggage , How come I have to pay the same air fare as a great lump like him?
Holidays Marriage Travel , breakfast , Sure, I'd love a second honeymoon ... who with?
Animals Effectiveness Pets Quality Animals Effectiveness Pets Quality , , D'you wanna buy a dog? Ten bucks! He's as smart as me... I can believe that! He's got a brain like a computer. Tell him to sit! He's already sitting! See what I mean... You just can't keep up with him!
Friendship Sports , clubs golf , Of course you never lose your ball ... you never hit it more than a few feet.
Ethics Sports , clubs golf , Quit arguing and give me my seven iron.
Dentistry , dentist , It'll take you a couple of days to get used to them.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Hey, it's good to see you again. That medicine must have worked last time!
Children Dating Marriage , boyfriend , I said 'I wanna marry your daughter when I get some money' and your father gave me twenty bucks.
Lodging Sports , Exercise ceiling golf housing , He's weightlifting again.
Ethics Leisure Travel Ethics Leisure Travel , , Boy, what a year I've had! I need some action after that world cruise! I know how you feel. I was going to winter in Monte Carlo. Me too! Maybe I'll try 'Everest' again... Don't I know your face from somewhere? We catch the same bus every morning.
Education Employment , For Sale Thank You , As your former Latin professor, I can't say you've exactly made my day.
Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor , Sounds like a power struggle between the spaghetti and the pickled onions.
Marriage Marriage Service , Counselor , Sorry to keep you both waiting out here. Where's your wife?
Entertainment Friendship Lawyers Leisure , cards , Now don't forget what the judge said about getting violent if you lose at cards.
Food Retail , grocery , Is that your idea of 20 pounds of potatoes?
Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , hammer , It's hard to believe you've never put up wallpaper before.
Effectiveness Marriage , fly , Wouldn't be your style to use a rolled-up newspaper, would it?
Food Health , bed , What's with you ... don't you like spaghetti?
Animals Effectiveness Employment , cane , You asleep AGAIN? I thought I told you to count the sheep.
Animals Fashion Travel , clothes , Oh, 'elephants'! ... I thought you said we're gonna cross the Alps with 'elegance.'
Innovation Marriage Television , , How am I supposed to make the bed in the morning?
Marriage , bed communication , There's absolutely NOTHING on my mind ... and anyway I don't want to talk about it.
Service , Banking LOANS Please Use Other Door , NO CAPTION, - MAN ENTERING DOOR OF LOAN OFFICE
Children Food , child , Now you two! No fighting over the last cake.
Effectiveness Military , ball , PREPARE TO LOAD.
Effectiveness Holidays Marriage Effectiveness Holidays Marriage , , I KNEW you'd forget today! Sometimes I think you just don't care.... D'you KNOW what today is? OH NO! It's your Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING. I bought you a beautiful gift. ... But. ... I.... Left it at work. I've been planning this all year... I'll go back to the office. And get the gift.... And I'll pick up the cake I ordered yesterday. TODAY'S YOUr DENTAL APPOINTMENT
Effectiveness Employment , funnel , I admire initiative, Watson, but when I say I want a 'funnel,' I mean one of these.
Retail Sales , salesman , Want me to wrap it?
Diet Food Restaurants Service , customer , When I said I wanted a 'rare' steak, I didn't mean one that took two hours to find.
Ethics Politics , argument , I make it a rule never to argue about politics.
Animals Health Pets , VET , ... and when you take him out at night, try walking a bit faster.
Children Sports , boomarang boomerang , That's why it didn't come back.
Diet Doctors Food Health , bananas , How much longer did he tell you to stay on this banana diet?
Entertainment Marriage Safety Training , husband magician , Don't forget, I'm only practicing, so let me know if you feel anything.
Advertising Holidays Sales Travel , candle , We've won a ten-percent discount on a round-the-world cruise.
Dating Service Technology , computer , Our 'cupid computer' has come up with two names. Ghengis Khan and Attila the Hun.
Science Science , , What's the big hole for? This site is 100,000 years old and we're looking for evidence of early man. This far back, we could be looking for a piece of bone or flint no bigger than a dime! All we need is just one little clue! That should do it!
Crime Lawyers , court judge , Get up, you idiot. When I say, 'How do you plead?' I wanna know if you're 'guilty' or 'not guilty.'
Dentistry Health , dentist , Try to relax.
Employment Safety Sales , auction , Going ... going ...
Entertainment Leisure Marriage Entertainment Leisure Marriage , , Don't keep walking up and down! I wonder why everything is so commercial nowadays? There's a lot of things in life more important than money, you know. A ray of sunshine in the forest! The singing of the birds! Who needs money with all these treasures around us? You're starting to get on my nerves. I'd go bowling if I had five bucks....
Automobiles Effectiveness Travel , husband , You've still got your seatbelt on.
Grooming Quality Service , barber , Haven't you got a brush?
Food Retail , cash register , No, I don't need help carrying it to the car. For $44, I need an armed guard.
Employment , assistant , If I've gotta do typing and stuff like that, I want more money!
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage , husband , You wouldn't believe it, but some people press their tie BEFORE they put it on.
Advertising Entertainment Television , , We are now joining our regularly scheduled commercials which are already in progress.
Automobiles Children Automobiles Children , , Mr. Smith, may I talk to you about something really serious? I've been dating your daughter for two years now.... We really love each other! I'm responsible and hard-working. And I want to ask for your permission... You're like a son to me, Ralph. You don't have to ask for my blessing! HEY SANDRA, HE SAID WE CAN USE HIS CAR!
Marriage , bride wedding , You're supposed to say 'I do,' not 'I'll try.'
Employment Holidays , boss , Have a good vacation. I've decided not to give you your bad news until you get back.
Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage Safety Travel , car , Your jack slipped!
Entertainment Ethics Leisure Marriage , cards , Your four aces don't beat two eights unless you have a red king with them!
Effectiveness Employment Military Travel Effectiveness Employment Military Travel , , There's a messenger at the gates. I hope you realize you got me out of bed! I've ridden a thousand mile with a message from the King... Well done! Enemy territory all the way... I can see a medal in this! NOTHING could stop me... What's the message? Came the last eighty miles on FOOT. WHAT'S THE MESSAGE? I can't remember it!!
Sports Travel , Africa Bust air balloon hot hot air balloon , NO CAPTION, - MAN WITH HOT AIR BALLOON AND SIGN READING AFRICA OR BUST
Effectiveness Employment Training , carpet , That new guy was supposed to be helping me roll this.
Crime Entertainment Innovation Television , beggar , Pretend you don't know you're on 'Candid Camera' and when I ask for a dime, give me five dollars!
Food Miscellaneous Science Sports , UFO , Hold it! They're out of season.
Effectiveness Employment Sports , boss roller roller skates skates , I know it's your first time in 38 years, but what would happen if everyone was ten minutes late for work?
Employment Quality Retail Sales , Taxidermist Work , You can take it off to have lunch.
Crime Effectiveness Quality , Warden jail , Show me the paper again with the calculations on it.
Grooming Quality Retail Sales , clothing , WAIST EIGHTY-TWO.
Leisure Safety Sports , WIN PRIZE fair , Do I get to try again?
marriage , , I know I won't be losing a daughter. YOU'LL be gaining a mother-in-law.
Entertainment Leisure Technology , gambling pick pocket , NO CAPTION, - MAN AT SLOT MACHINE
, ceiling ceiling , I read somewhere that expensive champagne doesn't go 'pop.'
Effectiveness Employment , Personnel , The man we're looking for must be dynamic and aggressive.
Animals Lodging Pets Animals Lodging Pets , , What's going on? Look what he's made! Maybe he's joined the space race! He's put a big sign on his front gate. Go and see what it says. Did you read it? "BEWARE OF THE GIRAFFE!
Government Health Quality Government Health Quality , , NEXT I need your hospital insurance number. Six.. two... four... nine.. eight.... five se...ven.. NEXT
Lodging Quality Technology , bed , Did you sleep okay, Herman?
Automobiles Education Marriage Training , husband , I went for my driving lesson and you owe them a new car.
Animals Sports , baseball bat hunting taxidermy , I tell you I saw its eyes move.
Children Marriage Safety , baby baby carriage back seat driver carriage , SLOW DOWN ... WATCH THAT PUSSYCAT ... TURN RIGHT HERE.
Diet Food Marriage Sales , All New Squelchy Crispies , You told me to save money, so I got the economy size.
Entertainment Friendship Leisure , cards poker , I saw that same look four years ago. He's got a royal flush.
Children Television , , There, you left your toys all over the floor and now Mommy can't watch her favorite program.
Grooming Health Marriage , bath , I don't care if it is plastic. I could have had a heart attack.
Marriage Newspapers Marriage Newspapers , Daily Thing Daily Thing , Your'e always reading! D'you remember what you said on our wedding day? You said, 'No force on earth would ever come between us.' Together through rain and shine! You've really changed! That was three whole months ago!
Employment , Personnel , Night work! You mean when it's dark?
Animals Effectiveness Science Animals Effectiveness Science , , We need some more words for our language. What are we going to call that big bird-thing with the leathery wings? What about Pterodactyl? PTERODACTYL?! Well what d'you want to call it? Ron. RON?! Ron! Well at least people will be able to SPELL it!!!
Doctors Health Sports , doctor excercise , This is the third time in a week. Why don't you wear a shirt?
Crime Government Travel , Customs watches , So that's your story, you 'hate to be late'!
Employment Entertainment Music , Thank You , Would you like me to conduct one of your favorites?
Dentistry , Dentist , What happened! Did I touch a nerve?
Animals Diet Food Marriage Pets , husband , I hope it tastes good. It's for the cat.
Leisure Sports , clubs golf golf clubs , Did you win?
Doctors Health , acupuncture , I'll work my way up your arm and you tell me when you feel anything.
Marriage , Say with Flowers cactus flowers , Do you have any with more prickles?
Employment Military Training Employment Military Training , , It's about time you got home! Ten months of non-stop looting, fighting and plundering... Look at my helmet! I'm absolutely worn out. We were outnumbered thirty-to-one almost every day. You're always complaining! Why don't you get another line of work? I haven't got any other experience... What else could I do? What about a SCHOOL TEACHER?
Lodging Marriage , bed dream , Three nights in a row I've dreamt you were Dracula.
Marriage , husband , I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in for a couple of weeks.
Automobiles Safety Training , Driving School driving school , Shall I switch it off?
Effectiveness Lodging Quality Retail Sales , paint brush , Sure it's big, but it'll do an average room in three minutes.
Lodging Maintenance Retail Sales , paint , We want a gallon of paint to match our wallpaper.
Dating Grooming Retail Sales , cologne , I thought this stuff was supposed to attract girls.
Education Marriage , author , Writing your autobiography! Who's it about?
Effectiveness Maintenance Safety Technology , elevator , Why don't you start climbing out and I'll keep trying the buttons.
Animals Construction Pets , DOG neighbor , Whaddya making?
Effectiveness Food Marriage , cake , Slice of wedding cake?
Retail Sales Service Sports , deck deck decoy decoy , The sporting goods store phoned. You left your hat on the counter.
Holidays Safety Sports , accident skiing , Is that the only way you can have a good time, smashing up public property?
Employment , job interview , Mr. Henderson will see you now.
Crime Marriage , court divorce , Madam, giving your husband 'twenty years in the slammer' is not my idea of a divorce settlement.
Animals Children Pets , boy cave cave men men , I don't care if it has got a bad leg. Get rid of it.
Aliens Miscellaneous , UFO , What is it? Beats me! It's a UFO! It's going to land! Get ready to run. Look... The door's opening! I can't believe this.... Something's coming out. Don't panic, there's four of them coming over. They're green! How's it going?
Doctors Health , doctor , Stay calm ... I'm gonna get a second opinion on your blood pressure.
Diet Food Marriage , cheese gas gas mask mask , I take it you don't want any of this cheese.
Children Marriage , Nursery , Your wife took the baby home an hour ago.
Retail Sales Service Technology , salesman , It comes with a 5-year guarantee or until you open the package, whichever comes first.
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , I'm your anesthetist and he's my back-up man.
Animals Leisure Marriage Safety , Polar Bear zoo , You must know how you got in there.
Effectiveness Military , arrow arrows cowboy indian , Where did they get him from?
Animals Pets Retail , Pet Store turtles , STAMPEDE!
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , May I have a quiet word with you? Believe me, I hate to be the one who has to do this! ...But I have some very distressing news for you. Hold on, hold on! Let me lie back. Okay Doc., I can take it! You latest check bounced!
Diet Food Marriage , cake , You're certainly enjoying my little cakes. Have another one!
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , The jury has found you guilty. Receiving stolen property is a very, very serious offense. ....And if I'm not mistaken, I've seen you here before. I know you from somewhere, don't I? SPEAK UP! I sold you your portable TV
Effectiveness Retail Service , Complaints , I found him working in the stockroom. He's perfect!
Food Restaurants Service Food Restaurants Service , , I'll have the No. 2 breakfast. White or brown toast? Brown. How d'you want the eggs? Over easy. What about the bacon? Crispy. Marmalade or jelly? Anything! All we've got left is spaghetti and meatballs!
Effectiveness Food Marriage Safety , husband , I can't find my glasses.
Leisure Marriage , boat , When we get back I'm having you charged with mutiny.
Employment Safety , Smoking smoking , I don't care if you are the boss. You tell him!
Lodging Marriage , chimney , Maybe next time you'll think twice about losing your key.
Automobiles Maintenance Service Automobiles Maintenance Service , , Not YOU again! Half a gallon of gas, please... Don't forget the windshield... And I think the radiator needs topping up. Did you check the oil? I think the front tire is a couple of pounds under. How much do I owe you? Sixty-four cents for gas and $24.00 for labor.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend engagement engagement ring ring , Whaddya think, Ma, eighty-five bucks?
Art Philosophy , Exit , I think it represents man's eternal struggle for freedom.
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , Here, eat as fast as you can. I have some big tippers waiting for this table.
Leisure Marriage Travel Leisure Marriage Travel , , I don't care how hot it is.. I'm not that crazy! I'm not going in there. It looks filthy! Where's you adventurous spirit? You never know what's in there. Look at the color of that water! Fresh mountain lake! ... Where's your sense of fun? Oh you! You spend half your life worrying about nothing. This is the life! Fantastic!
Effectiveness Employment Ethics , boss , I'm getting sick of watching that water cooler go past my office at ten minutes past nine every morning.
Accounting Effectiveness Innovation Technology Accounting Effectiveness Innovation Technology , Banking Banking , Where have you been all day? Look at this... I've invented the world's first computer. What's it do? You're the brains... What's four plus five? Twenty-two. Take away two.... Four. ... Now add another three... Nine. It doesn't work!!
Effectiveness Employment Marriage , alarm , I suppose you realize your alarm clock didn't go off and you're an hour late for work?
Art Health Art Health , , Nice day! You don't recongnize me, do you? I'm Shakespeare, the Immortal Bard! What are you talking about? Shakespeare! William Shakespeare. If you're Shakespeare... I'm Henry the Eighth! How's your wife?
Dentistry , dentist hygenist nurse , If you've got any screaming to do, wait until you leave the premises.
Health Leisure Sports , bench jogging , Ask him if he ever heard of a tortoise having a heart attack.
Effectiveness Retail Sales Service Technology , cave cave man cavemen man , Don't you want your receipt?
Doctors Health , bed hospital nurse , Who's going to have their injection?
Automobiles Crime Technology Travel , car police speeding , This is Blue Buzzard, good buddy; Smokey's on the warpath.
Ethics Sports , boxers boxing , Let me see those gloves.
Diet Food Marriage , coffee tea , I thought you liked it strong.
Retail Sales Technology , customer , You've been in business 40 years and you don't take credit cards?!
Animals Effectiveness Pets Safety , argument dog , STAY!
Crime Effectiveness Grooming Health , 279841 prison , I don't think I'll bother with a tan 'til I get out.
Effectiveness Marriage , Wishing Well well wishing , I know it's sudden, but I want a divorce!
Dentistry Health Safety , husband , Why don't you just go to a proper dentist?
Leisure Sports , Bazooka bazooka gun hunting , Now, imagine you've cornered a bear and he runs in to a abandoned house.
Crime Ethics Health Lawyers , accused judge justice , I've got a terrible headache. I think I'm gonna make an example of you.
Animals Effectiveness Innovation Safety Travel Animals Effectiveness Innovation Safety Travel , , I don't know what you're looking for.. ... They'll never find us! If you're so scared of sharks, why don't we dig a tunnel to get off this island? You're crazy! It's 30 miles to the mainland. I'm not being stuck here for another three months.... I'm digging! Those sharks willl know exactly where you are. If you aks me, I'd say you have a severe case of shark-phobia. See any ships?
Animals Leisure Safety , Not Feed Alligator beach , NO CAPTION, - MAN IN POND AND SEES SIGN THAT READS DO NOT FEED ALLIGATOR
Effectiveness Service Technology Television , , I think it's the TV repairman.
Children Sports , Coach swimming , I know he's got big feet but you haven't seen him swim.
Leisure Marriage Sports Travel , Herman boating desert desert island island , Look on the bright side. You've still got your new captain's hat.
Effectiveness Grooming Service , Hair Dryer , If you'd read the instructions, you'd see there's one switch for drying and another for styling.
Dating Marriage , Lil , Don't go rushing into marriage. Look around for a couple of years like your mother did.
Animals Food Food Mail Pets , Dog dog , This looks good ... 'Mailman flavored.'
Effectiveness Food Lodging , cup neighbor , I hate to disturb you at mealtime, but can I borrow a cup of sugar?
Lodging Technology , bed phone , Who's calling? D'you know what time it is?
Sports , golf golfer , I GOT A HOLE-IN-ONE!
Doctors , bug medicine , If you remember, I did mention possible side-effects.
Grooming Lodging Safety , bath bathtub , Did you feel the earthquake?
art , , You're looking at it upside down!
Effectiveness Leisure Sports Training Effectiveness Leisure Sports Training , , Bend your knees... Lean forward! You're not flexing your knees! ... Keep your eyes on the ball. Remember... Keep your left arm straight! Get your left elbow in tight. Ready? Weight on the right foot. Now, bring in your right elbow. Head down! HIT IT.
Health Service Sports , School Karate karate , We're not gonna charge you for this first lesson.
Doctors Health Marriage , amnesia , He's getting better. He can remember everything now except getting married.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , I warned you about iron tonic. Your stomach's rusty.
Animals Food Leisure Marriage , ape gorilla picnic , Can't you sit still for five minutes? Whaddya want my camera for now?
Children Education Children Education , , Did anyone tell you about my school? I got an 'A' in Math... An 'A' in History... .. An 'A' in Art. I was top of the class in science..... Top in Biology... Isn't it time you were in Bed? G'night Grandma. JEALOUS!
Crime Lodging Safety , burglar , My mistake! I thought I heard a noise down here.
Entertainment Leisure Marriage Television , , Suppose we decide not to watch one night. Do you remember how to switch it off?
Employment Food Quality Restaurants , chef , You're washing the floor with the soup-of-the-day!
Marriage , bride , What did he mean, 'Love is blind'?
Effectiveness Friendship Travel Effectiveness Friendship Travel , , D'you wanna see our vacation pictures? We had a great time! This is us standing in front of the Eiffel Tower.... That's us skiing in the Alps... And this next one is me at London Airport... I thought you went camping! We did! ....What's going on? You brought back the wrong photos!!
Children Food Religion , child , How come God put all the vitamins in cabbage and nothing in candy?
Children Doctors Health , doctor mother , You've got Egyptian flu. You're going to be a 'mummy.'
Effectiveness Employment accounting , , Start? Start what? I thought you said you hired me to take care of the books.
Children Food Health , cereal , Take that cereal out in the yard 'til it stops snapping and crackling.
Children Employment Marriage , friend , If I can't get a summer job this year, I think I'll get married.
Animals Effectiveness Pets , bird , Don't blame me. I was cleaning his cage and he flew up the pipe.
Animals Art Leisure , artist bird , NO CAPTION, - MAN PAINTING AND BIRD FLIES AWAY WITH CANVAS
Employment Marriage , chair , If I'd known you were coming I'd have got a job.
Animals Pets Training , dog , Got any books on dog training?
Effectiveness Retail Effectiveness Retail , , I hope you're a fast mover! Quick! I need a bicycle lamp. ... Ten feet of heavy-duty steel chain. ... Get a move on! .... Eight padlocks, a roll of your best barbed wire.. Hold on a minute.... Too late.. It's gone!
Retail Safety Sales Service , customer , I thought you told me we didn't give 'cash refunds.'
Grooming Health Quality Retail Service , Amazing New Hair Restorer , Did you shake the bottle?
Lodging Marriage Retail , Spray Paints , D'you like that blue?
Effectiveness Employment , application , I got fantastic references from my last five jobs but I lost them on the way over here.
Marriage Television , , Let's face it,Stella, we've grown apart. We need two televisions!
Children Lodging , board , Maybe you're beginning to get the message that we need a recreation room.
Doctors Health , doctor , How long have you had your feet on the wrong legs?
Diet Food Health Marriage Military , bowl , You ever thought of selling this recipe to the Pentagon?
Children Entertainment Leisure , amusement park fair , Come on, Dad, it's over!
Doctors Health Safety , cast , A truck ran over my cast!
Effectiveness Leisure Lodging Marriage Travel Effectiveness Leisure Lodging Marriage Travel , , And don't bother to come back! That does it! I want a divorce. I'm not selling the house! You'll have to get an apartment! ...And you're not getting custody of the children... ...or the car! I'm gonna give you one last chance.. .. For the sake of the kids!!! Slide pole A-B into slot B-C.
Effectiveness Employment , guillotine , I'd know your scrawl anywhere, you creep!
Effectiveness Marriage , husband , I cut a piece off the bottom and patched your shirt.
Employment , boss , Well, well ... My secret file tells me that this is your grandmother's seventh funeral since 1975.
Automobiles Lodging Marriage , accident , You park the car, I'm going to bed.
Children Holidays Safety , Christmas , He had his heart set on a cowboy suit.
Children Retail Sales , candy , D'you take plastic?
Crime Marriage , 231637 prison , Fifteen years is not so long. You've already done 12 days.
Entertainment Friendship Leisure Safety , cards poker , Is it okay to leave if I lose all my money?
Children Lodging Children Lodging , , Don't let me disturb you Dad... I have to write an essay for school. The person I admire most is... .. My father. ... He's kind and he tells great jokes..... He's smart enough to be a president of something... And he could have been a movie actor..... ..But he chose plumbing... Words cannot describe... Did he tell you he broke the glass in the French windows?
Food , drink martini party , Hope it's not too dry.
Employment , boat , This is my first day. Do we get paid?
Doctors Food Health Marriage , accident hospital , Want me to make a little hole and feed you some grapes?
Ethics Lodging Maintenance Ethics Lodging Maintenance , , Any luck, sir? We'll be closing in five minutes... Can't you find a pattern you like? Look... You're obviously a man of discriminating taste.... Take the book home for the weekend.
Effectiveness Friendship , , I don't believe it! You're Harold! .... Harold Springer. No! Yes you are! You've got a sister named 'Ivy'. You used to live on Meadow Lane! No Imagine seeing you after all these years! He's nothing like I remember him!
Diet Food Innovation Retail Sales Technology , , This is the latest vegetable slicer from France.
Entertainment Leisure Marriage Sports Entertainment Leisure Marriage Sports , bowling bowling ball bowling bowling ball , For the tenth time, I'm NOT going bowling.
Crime Innovation Lawyers , convict prison , I thought I'd put in a little vegetable garden.
Employment Holidays , boss , Normally I ignore things said to me in fun at the Christmas party, however ...
Holidays Marriage , dishes , Memorize this, it's your New Year resolutions.
Friendship Grooming Restaurants , fat neighbor , You're my last hope, Harry. Can I borrow your dinner jacket?
Animals Effectiveness Lodging Marriage Safety , gun mouse , Did it ever cross your mind that maybe you're being out-smarted by a mouse?
Children Dating , boyfriend , Debbie looks exactly like me when I was 18.
Animals Employment Ethics , giraffes , If I don't get a raise soon, I'm gonna blow the lid off this crummy zoo.
Maintenance Safety , chain chain saw chainsaw saw , NO CAPTION, - MAN CHAINSAWING A LOG AND HE CHAINSAWED HIS BELT OFF HIS PANTS
Diet Food Restaurants , escargot snails , I've changed my mind. I'll have a cheese sandwich.
Automobiles Sales , Economy Plus , Wanna see the list of extras?
Lodging Retail , chair furniture , It looked smaller in the store!
Diet Food Marriage , bed , If you're sleep-walking toward the fridge, leave the ham alone!
Effectiveness Leisure Sports Effectiveness Leisure Sports , , That's the tenth golf ball I've lost on this hole! You'll never see that one again! Now I've lost my ball! We've got 16 holes to go and it's starting to get dark! I'm gonna putt along the freeway.
Children Effectiveness , child , That's just his way of saying he wants you to stay!
Health Marriage , cooking fever , You've DEFINITELY got the flu.
Grooming Safety Sales , Barber , There goes my tip, right?
Animals Food Food Pets , Dog dog , Will you hurry up!
Food Lodging Marriage , husband , I'll only be gone for a month, so don't use the kitchen.
Animals Animals , , Animals are animals! They're just dumb old gorillas. ...They don't understand anything! You'll make them mad!! So they get mad! ...What are they gonna do? They're forty feet across a moat.
Dating Food Restaurants Dating Food Restaurants , , This is a GREAT restaurant! Thanks for bringing me here. It's the first time I've eaten frog's legs and lobster. Enjoy yourself, honey. Shall we have some cherry ice cream? You deserve the best, rose-petal! I have to ask you something VERY important. I'm sure I'll say 'yes'. Did you bring any money with you?
Automobiles Marriage , husband , Two of these just fell out of the car.
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , , Hold on... I'd better ask 'you-know-who'... My sister wants to come for the weekend. Forget it! Absolutely out of the question. Not in a million years! Never! Great! We'll see you all on Friday.
Animals Lodging Maintenance Marriage , hole mouse , Saturday evenings with you are a real treat.
Safety Travel , Departures air air plane plane , Your plane's been delayed ten minutes. A couple of rivets popped loose.
Banks Crime Insurance , Banking Office burglar , Don't forget to lock up when you leave, Henderson.
Children Marriage , boyfriend , ... and if you marry her, how do you intend to support us?
Doctors Health Sports , boxer boxing , Just give it your best shot. I've got a team of doctors standing by.
Crime Lawyers , Mother , Members of the jury, I ask you, does my client look like a man of violence?
Retail , Mens Gloves , Size what?
Food Restaurants Service , chef , Any other complaints?
Fashion Grooming , All Haircuts , D'you get the feeling one of us is getting ripped-off?
Doctors Health , doctor , You phoned me and said you had amnesia; don't you remember?
Music , house house plant plant , What song did you sing?
Employment Marriage , clock , Thanks for phoning my boss for a raise. Now guess why I don't have to set the alarm clock for tomorrow morning.
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , , Are you still sitting in that armchair? I don't think I've ever met anyone as lazy as you! Don't sit there! Take the dog for a walk. Don't slouch! MOVE IT!
Children Safety , child hammock , Tomorrow I'm having you adopted.
Children Philosophy , child , I make it a rule never to lend money to people who borrow!
Effectiveness Fashion Marriage Retail Effectiveness Fashion Marriage Retail , , There's a sale on downtown. I bought a shirt for two dollars! Did you try it on? Of course I did! Don't treat me like a kid... Is it long sleeve or short sleeve? Both!
Children Education Science Children Education Science , , Did you have a good day at school? Mom, do you think we all came from monkeys? Why don't you ask your father? He's good at all that stuff! DAD... Where are you? Dad, do you think we.... Forget it!
Doctors Health , doctor , That pain-in-the-neck's out here, doctor.
Lodging Sales , door , Did you buy anything from him?
Children Travel , baby baby carriage carriage , Why do I have to sit and look at you everywhere we go?
Safety Sports , parachute , Can I use your phone?
Employment Training , Out , This is my nephew. I want you to spend the morning training him for your job.
Construction Effectiveness Innovation Marriage Quality , boss , I've got to go. Give my love to everyone in Australia.
Children Education Entertainment Fashion , ballet , When we say 'parents invited', we usually mean to sit and watch.
Retail Sales , salesman shoe shoe store store , I only have one of those ... you can have it for half-price.
children , birth child child birth hospital , Whaddya mean, 'Which one is ours?'
Employment Employment , , I'm looking for a job. How long have you been out of work? I can't remember! You must have some idea! One year? Two? .... I've forgotten. Well, what was your previous emplyment? I think I was a stagecoach driver.
Employment Politics Television , amnesia union , Hey, come and see this. There's a guy who's been on strike for two years and he can't remember where he works.
Travel , airplane pilot , He had to use the washroom, but he's never flown before.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , , Didn't I ask that waiter for white bread? We ran out of pea soup, so I brought you chicken noodle. Hey! Where's my baked potato? It's nine o'clock! We only have french fries left....Waiter... I'll have the check. Thirty-nine dollars. Here are two fives. I ran out of twenties.
Dentistry , chair , I promise no more drilling if you let go.
Marriage Sales Service , shoe repair , I'll be home soon; I'm at the Speedy Shoe Repair Boutique.
Employment Entertainment Innovation , Agency , Okay, you've got five minutes to capture my interest.
Doctors Health Service , doctor , Okay, who's next?
Diet Doctors Food Health , chicken wings , Chicken for breakfast, chicken for lunch, chicken for dinner. What d'you expect?
Children Food Service , , I'm the babysitter. Where's the fridge?
Effectiveness Innovation Technology , communications drum drums tribal tribal communications , Don't forget to mark it 'Personal.'
Employment , boss , FIRED! Does that mean I won't get the raise?
Maintenance Marriage Safety Travel , airplane airplane wheel wheel , Aren't you going to phone the airport?
Animals Lodging Pets , circus elephant , I'm trying to sleep. What have you got up here - a performing elephant?
Automobiles Marriage Safety Travel , car , There! Aren't you glad I made you wear your seat belt?
Service Television , , No, it's definitely not the ON/OFF switch.
Crime Retail Sales , book , 'One Hundred and One Ways to Rip Off Credit Companies' ... is that cash or charge?
Crime Marriage Safety , axe , Pretend you're a purse snatcher; I wanna try something.
Construction Innovation Marriage Quality , book shelf chair furniture , What accident? I told you I was making bookends.
Food Quality Restaurants , , I just asked you how the meat loaf was.
Health , Emergency , Just follow the blue line until you find your insurance card.
Health , fat man , He says fitness is a state of mind. He sits there thinking about exercise.
Marriage , friend , I gave up all dreams of happiness when I agreed to marry Henry.
Crime Lodging Maintenance , convict , That tap is still dripping in the kitchen.
Crime Science Technology , lie detector , Can you send someone over to fix the lie detector? All the pens have broken off.
Children , child , Was everything in black and white when you were a kid?
Health , bed , Nurse, he's fallen out of bed again!
Animals Pets , ABC , Wake up, Dad.
Education Employment Government , , Kids off school today, Charlie?
Art Art , Picasso Picasso , I'm tired of being an unknown artist.
Animals Effectiveness Innovation Pets , bar , It's just till I fix the hole in our fence.
Effectiveness , columbus , Exchanging beads for gold is a fantastic idea. We'll go and get our beads.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , Have you ever thought about sending your lunch to an African village?
Ethics Retail , , Excuse me, may I go ahead of you? I'm in rather a hurry.
Food , Bakery , That's 'ozone layer cake.'
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , husband husband , Wonderful!Ê Now the baby's awake.
Crime Lawyers , accused , You have been found guilty of forgery.
Children Education Health , child , My school report card is not going to help your ulcer.
Lodging Maintenance , door , That should clear the rug.
Grooming , barber , The mirror isn't cracked; that's the back of your head.
Advertising Fashion Sales , HAND MADE JEWELRY CHOLESTEROL , HAND MADE JEWELRY NO CHOLESTEROL NO CAPTION
Miscellaneous Science Technology , bow and arrow , Has it really been 2 million years since Wall Street collapsed?!
Dating Technology , boyfriend , They didn't have computer dating when we were young.
Food Health Food Health , bed bed , My mother couldn't come to the hospital but she asked me to have you open this jar of pickles for her.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Do you want an engagement ring or the $20?
Doctors Health Safety , doctor , You fell off the operating table.
Animals Quality Restaurants , restaurant , We don't waste anything here.
Children Education Children Education , child child , What is he ever going to need to know about algebra? Stick to this country.
Effectiveness Health , husband , That's more like it - 127 pounds.
Animals Pets Retail , Pet Supplies , I can't read your writing!
Dentistry , dentist , If you touch that nerve again, I'm gonna teach you a new meaning for the word pain.
Crime Effectiveness Safety , cell , NO CAPTION
Dating , boyfriend , Instead of taking me to an expensive dinner, can I have the money?
Children Marriage Children Marriage , child child , She coulda been Miss Universe on any other planet.
Safety , clock , I told him to meet me under the town clock.
Employment Innovation Employment Innovation , start from where told you needed man who could use his hat start from where told you needed man who could use his hat , OK, let's start from where I told you I needed a man who could use his head.
Doctors Health , doctor , You've got normal blood pressure but no pulse.
Grooming Grooming , Beauty Salon Beauty Salon , You look just as bad as you did when you went in!
Government Health Travel , Immigration , Business or pleasure?
Quality Restaurants , menu , I know the tablecloth's dirty. Don't forget, this place has been open since 1963.
Children Marriage , father law , Do I look stupid? Of course you can marry my daughter.
Quality Restaurants food , , What's a good wine to take away the taste of this food?
Animals Marriage , bathtub , What are you up to?
Leisure Sports , clubs , Oh no! I hope you're not wearing your new golf shoes in there!
Government Travel , Immigration Passport , Are you trying to tell me that baby on the rug is not me?
Holidays Marriage Holidays Marriage , bride bride , Is the honeymoon suite equipped with a kitchen?
Retail Service , Customer Complaints , I don't have any money.
Quality Restaurants , Menu , Is this the guy who wouldn't eat the soup?
Dating Entertainment , album , This is my oldest son Ronnie's first wife's sister, Audrey.
Children Fashion , grandchild , Grandpa, did you buy those pants when you were a lot taller?
Service Service , Skid Skid , I use this one when it's raining.
Automobiles Sales , , This one was driven by a little old lady and her nephew.
Animals Government Travel , Customs , It must have been in the bag of bananas.
Marriage , fat lady , We used to fght when we were young but she grew out of it.
Effectiveness Health , bed , I brought your slippers from home.
Children Health , Ward , Come along, dear. Daddy's not supposed to go home today.
Marriage Restaurants Service , husband , What do you mean my friend will have to wear a tie to get in? This is my wife!!!
Effectiveness Sports , 147 , I've got two chances at it this year.
Dating Dating Doctors Technology Dating Dating Doctors Technology , Computer Computer , It's picked me again, Doctor.
Animals Automobiles Farming Government Pets , Police , I know it's a dog license! He was driving.
Friendship Health , bed , He sure looks forward to your weekly visits.
Diet Doctors Diet Doctors , doctor doctor , Well, you did say you had a lot of gas.
Automobiles Crime Government , Special , I see the police got your car back.
Doctors Health Safety , bed , The nurse says you're having trouble getting out of bed.
Dating Marriage Dating Marriage , boyfriend boyfriend , Of course I love you, Alistair. I want to have your great-grandchildren.
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , bed bed , You left the hose connected to the waterbed!
Animals Effectiveness Pets Training Animals Effectiveness Pets Training , dog dog , He won't go out with anyone except my wife.
Doctors Health , doctor , As soon as he starts snoring, slap it on.
Friendship , friend , Sure, come over to dinner one evening. You can have mine.
Entertainment Marriage Entertainment Marriage , drinks drinks , Don't go in the kitchen.
Ethics Politics , Save The Rainforest , SAVE THE RAINFOREST NO CAPTION
Children Safety Children Safety , Fireworks Fireworks , Don't light that in here.
Restaurants , Menu , It's happy hour. You get two mushroom soups.
Effectiveness Employment , OUT AGAIN OUT AGAIN , NO CAPTION
Automobiles Training , School Motoring , Don't keep ducking.
Entertainment Government Travel , Customs , Just the one suitcase.
Food Technology Food Technology , cole slaw cole slaw , How many times have I told you not to use the office paper-shredder to make cabbage cole slaw?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , He bought an exercise bike and couldn't get it started.
Entertainment Health Television Entertainment Health Television , , She was doing her TV exercises and has been stuck there through three soap operas!
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , menu menu , It's not egg on toast. It's egg OR toast!
Health Health , Maternity Maternity , False alarm. Your wife had an inflamed gall-bladder.
Fashion Retail Fashion Retail , Hats Hats , It draws attention away from your face.
Effectiveness Retail Effectiveness Retail , Cookware Cookware , We need a good can opener.
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , , He's known about us for years. They've locked him up twice!
Grooming Quality Grooming Quality , bathroom bathroom , My new underwater watch has stopped!
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , automobile automobile , Runs good.
Lodging Safety Lodging Safety , balcony balcony , Don't you ever get nervous, living 50 floors up?
Crime Crime , automobile automobile , After you finish writing that, maybe you can find out who broke into my apartment last week.
Crime Religion Crime Religion , Phone Phone , What's the number for Dial-a-Prayer?
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , boss boss , You've never heard the expression, 'take a seat' before?
Employment Employment , boss boss , You can get down now. That was your raise.
Diet Health Diet Health , fat lady fat lady , She went to see a hypnotist to lose weight and he put on 40 pounds.
Food Food , frying pan frying pan , You said you wanted your eggs over. Well, they're over the back of the stove.
Dentistry Dentistry , chair chair , You'll have to sit up.
Marriage Marriage , bed bed , You wouldn't believe the dream I just had.
Employment Holidays Employment Holidays , boxer boxer , I hear you won the lottery.
Children Leisure Travel Children Leisure Travel , beach beach , Did you have to buy him such a big bucket?
Restaurants Service food Restaurants Service food , , I'm washing dishes out back now. Hide my tip in the gravy.
Lodging Music Lodging Music , neighbor neighbor , This is your last chance. Turn that stereo down.
Health Health , Hospital Hospital , D'you want 'Outpatients' or 'Emergency'?
Restaurants Restaurants , alcoholic husband wine alcoholic husband wine , No thank you. My husband's a reformed wino.
Effectiveness Effectiveness , beggar beggar , No, thanks. I couldn't take your last nickel.
Food Retail Food Retail , groceries groceries , I remember when you could get a bag of groceries for 30 cents.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , accused accused , Your honor, my client pleads not guilty to the charge of tailgating.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , bandages bandages , Is that the one who forgot his wedding anniversary?
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , So I'm five minutes late with the supper. You don't have to eat the plate.
Entertainment Marriage Entertainment Marriage , date date , Surely you can go bowling with Harvey another night?
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , husband husband , For the last &*#% time ... over the wire fence is NOT a home run!
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , dwarf dwarf , I'm sorry, Harold, but I'm not losing you on the subway during rush hour.
Marriage Marriage , friend friend , I used to pay her kid brother to stay in the same room with us!
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , Yeah, well you're not exactly an oil painting yourself first thing in the morning.
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , If you don't keep quiet I'm gonna phone all your friends and tell them how old you really are.
Health Safety Health Safety , barbed wire barbed wire , They've sent for an expert on tropical diseases.
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , bride bride , Is it OK if I run out and stick a few coins in the old parking meter?
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , bill bill , The phone company wants to know if they should bill us daily.
Crime Effectiveness Crime Effectiveness , Express Items Less Express Items Less , All right, all right ... Hand over eight dollars.
Safety Safety , Human Cannonball Human Cannonball , Oh, no! Right over the old ladies home!
Art Art , , This one lost the family fortune.
Health Health , bed bed , Did you ask about getting me a bigger room?
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , Used Autos Nobody Cheaper Used Autos Nobody Cheaper , That's 25 cents for the price list and a dollar for the coffee.
Marriage Marriage , friend friend , As soon as we got married I realized two can live as cheaply as six.
Advertising Advertising Advertising Advertising , , How about, 'Yummy yum, yummy yum, yummy gum gum gum'?
Marriage Marriage , door door , It's for you, Mildred.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Whatever you do, don't exercise.
Banks Crime Banks Crime , Bank Banking Bank Banking , You shouldn't carry all this cash. Why don't you open an account?
Employment Retail Sales Employment Retail Sales , Balloons Balloons , Business is great but I can't keep up with inflation.
Food Government Food Government , policeman policeman , I want to report an unidentified flying omelette.
Effectiveness Entertainment Television Effectiveness Entertainment Television , camera camera , After the commercial break, a woman who has spent her entire life making people miserable.
Retail Retail , Jewelry Jewelry , He's looking for something for the woman who has absolutely nothing.
Employment Entertainment Employment Entertainment , animal costume animal costume , If you don't mind, I am referred to as an 'animal impersonator.'
Quality Quality , bartender bartender , What did you put in his drink, Harry?
Health Safety Health Safety , bandages bandages , I told you never to get between my mother and a dessert trolley.
Automobiles Doctors Health Automobiles Doctors Health , bed bed , We have to wait for the shock to wear off. He drove over an 800-foot cliff.
Restaurants Restaurants , bottle bottle ,
Health Marriage Health Marriage , back back , This won't help your back, but it makes me feel great.
Children Travel Children Travel , baby baby , Just because it's your turn to change his diaper?!
Health Marriage Health Marriage , husband husband , That was my mother on the phone. She said she hopes you're feeling worse.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , Please Wait Tolerated Please Wait Tolerated , NO CAPTION Please wait to be tolerated
Death Death , crystal ball crystal ball , Ask him where he left his key to the safe-deposit box.
Travel Travel , automobile automobile , It's very nice of your husband to drive us all to the airport.
Marriage Television Marriage Television , , That's it! I'm changing channels.
Health Insurance Marriage Health Insurance Marriage , bandages bandages , As you can see, your insurance doesn't cover 'family squabbles.'
Employment Employment , boss boss , Can we discuss salary first? My wife's waiting to go shopping.
Automobiles Safety Automobiles Safety , automobile automobile , Only you would be stupid enough to park on the San Andreas fault!
Health Insurance Health Insurance , , Surely you must know if you have health insurance...
Service Service , Customer Complaints Customer Complaints , Your wife's cooking is not covered by the stove's warranty.
Automobiles Effectiveness Grooming Automobiles Effectiveness Grooming , Car Wash Car Wash , We just want hot wax.
Grooming Lodging Maintenance Grooming Lodging Maintenance , bath bath , Don't keep shouting 'call the plumber.' I've called the plumber.
Health Leisure Safety Sports Health Leisure Safety Sports , bandages bandages , They found your skis.
Travel Travel , back back , So you were three days into the mountains, then what happened?
Banks Banks , Banking Loans Manager Banking Loans Manager , You can get up now.
Mail Mail , Not Not , This one just says 'Fold.'
Children Children , child child , Take that off of Dad's face It's time for school.
Miscellaneous Travel Miscellaneous Travel , , Now don't go running off 'til I find out where we are.
Service Service , tipping tipping tips tipping tipping tips , Didn't you see my sign when I was getting in?
Employment Travel Employment Travel , boss boss , This is the best I can do for 'previous employment'.
Innovation Technology Innovation Technology , invention invention , Gentlemen, we have the first electric razor with digital photography!
Effectiveness Health Technology Effectiveness Health Technology , Exray Exray , X-RAY FOLLOW THE INVISIBLE LINE NO CAPTION
Safety Safety , husband husband ,
Travel Travel , airport airport , If you run like the wind, you may just make it.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , Carpets Carpets , I think he's starting to like that one.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bed bed , I've lost the use of my legs!
, restaurant restaurant , How much do out-of-work, war veterans usually tip?
Banks Crime Employment Banks Crime Employment , Banking husband Banking husband , I've quit my job at the bank.
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , fencing fencing , TouchŽ
Employment Health Marriage Employment Health Marriage , bed bed , Your manager came over to see you, so I told him you were out.
Banks Banks , Banking Teller Banking Teller , Tell 'im.
Science Sports Science Sports , bat bat , They had baseball back then?
Entertainment Entertainment , Applause Applause , NO CAPTION
Music Technology Music Technology , , We handle electronics, sir. You need a blacksmith.
Food accounting Food accounting , accountant accountant , I don't want to worry you, but the guy who delivered the pizza was your accountant.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , arrows arrows , Why is the buffalo meat so expensive?
Health Health , , Can't you hum something else?
Children Education Children Education , child child , I taught him everything I know and he's still stupid.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , Pizza Free Delivery Pizza Free Delivery , This guy wants to know if we deliver to Africa.
Fashion Fashion , , Even if they have got it in your size, it'll cost at least a hundred bucks.
Retail Retail , lamp lamp , This reading lamp hasn't uttered a word since I bought it!
Retail Retail , friend friend , We were the same size when we got married.
Animals Pets Training Animals Pets Training , bowl bowl , You never give up, do you!
Animals Banks Pets Animals Banks Pets , Banking bank Banking bank , I'll need one other co-signer.
Doctors Ethics Health , doctor , You look awful but I can't find anything wrong with you.
Safety , burn , You should never use an electric blanket on a waterbed!
Animals Sports , jockey , The main thing with a horse is you've got to make sure he knows who's the boss.
Animals Children Pets , child , OK, let's go. But take it easy on the stairs.
Quality Safety , bed , That quart of milk in the fridge expires at midnight.
Entertainment Restaurants Entertainment Restaurants , Maitre Dis Maitre Dis , Table for two near the band.
Sales , , Don't start that sales resistance stuff, Madam, I'm having a rough day.
Doctors Health Innovation Doctors Health Innovation , brace brace , The rear-view mirrors are my idea. Don't turn your head for a while.
Effectiveness Government , You Are Here , YOU ARE HERE DEPT. OF SIGNS NO CAPTION
Employment Employment , boss boss , I wanted to get you the gift you deserve, boss, but they didn't have anything cheaper!
Children , , This is my nephew, Eric. He wants to borrow that $100 you've owed me for the past four year.
Animals Mail Pets , , All I can tell you is that it arrived from Africa this morning, and there's something moving inside.
Effectiveness Employment , bricklayer , I can't move my head.
Food , fridge , Quick, get a rope. Your brother Reggie's at the front door.
Doctors Health , arm , I've lost the use of my left arm.
Food , coffee , The milk was frozen. I had to put antifreeze in it.
Children Television , , They shouldn't be showing girls in bikinis when kids his age are watching!
Animals Music Pets , cat , NO CAPTION
Health Safety , bandages , I'm sorry, Harold, but you shouldn't have crept up behind me like that.
Animals Food Pets , fish , If they don't eat leftovers they'll have to go back to the pet store.
Dating Effectiveness Marriage Technology Dating Effectiveness Marriage Technology , Lonely Hearts Lonely Hearts , That's the sixth time the computer has matched you with your ex-wife.
Restaurants Safety , forks , What was that big crash in the kitchen?
Entertainment Marriage , dance , I'm telling you for the last time, I don't wanna go to a disco. I'm going to bed.
Animals Fashion Marriage , cage , I'd like to return this mink. My husband bought it for my birthday as a little joke.
Fashion , husband , You got a Superman T-shirt for a 32-inch chest?
Animals Food , bird , Whatever you do, don't open your mouth.
Animals Food , Hot Dogs , I'll meet you in an hour.
Dating Service Dating , Cupid Please Wait Here , CUPID DATING SERVICE PLEASE WAIT HERE NO CAPTION
Animals Restaurants Animals Restaurants , cafe cafe , Did you say 'one coffee and a banana?'
Effectiveness Sales sales , lady , Are you telling me your company expects you to sell cosmetics with a face like that?
Automobiles Maintenance , Car Wash , I'll have to adjust the brushes.
Automobiles Training , DRIVING SCHOOL , JACK'S DRIVING SCHOOL NO CAPTION
Animals Children , Petting Zoo , NO CAPTION
Health Marriage , bed , I told you not to drink all that coffee.
Children Food , birthday , Your teeth are in my jello!
Entertainment Television Entertainment Television , , And when we come back, I'll be introducing you to someone who clearly demonstrates the falsehood that 'all men are created equal.'
Health Technology , fat lady , You're not gonna believe it - there's an elephant coming.
Holidays Retail , Greeting Cards , What have you got that's suitable for a 3-year-old? It's my husband's birthday.
Animals Music Pets , , He wants a pair of cymbals.
Doctors Ethics , doctor , Why don't I recommend a plastic surgeon to do something about that nose?
Automobiles , Police , He's been driving non-stop for three days.
Entertainment Safety , Books , He's probably held up in traffic.
Effectiveness Health , bed , They change the beds every day! I can never find mine!
Restaurants Service , mop , I think I got most of it.
Animals Pets , dog , It's a Siberian mountain dog.
Government accounting , accountant , If I pay this amount of taxes, I'll qualify for tax exemption as a non-profit organization!
Effectiveness , bed , It's no use. I can't sleep with this wallpaper.
Doctors Health Safety , Emergency , It's nothing to worry about but I want you to wear this Medic-Alert helmet.
Marriage accounting , friend , She's gonna spend my $18 tax refund on a $400 coat.
Military , arrows darts , The indians have taken the saloon.
Employment Employment , assistant assistant ,
Animals , husband , He's trying to hatch some duck eggs.
Animals Pets , dog , He's a long-haired terrier.
Children Holidays , Santa Claus , I thought so! He's gonna have to come through the window.
Doctors Health , doctor , I warned you about taking steroids with your low blood pressure.
Restaurants , Coffee Shop Menu , Hey! How many of these sticks equals two tablespoonfuls?
Retail , Jewelry , That diamond ring's stuck on her finger. You'll have to get a surgical saw.
Lodging Maintenance , neighbor , Can my wife borrow your snow shovel?
Employment , boss , I am an equal opportunity employer. That's why I've decided to give all the other employers an equal opportunity at your services.
Employment Mail , boss , Mrs. Parker, most of this mail is for you.
Government Grooming , automobile , It's an emergency! She's gotta be at the hairdresser in three minutes.
Doctors Health , doctor , Classic hay fever.
Miscellaneous Science , bench , I remember this place when it was a volcano.
Retail , Books , BOOKS THRILLERS NO CAPTION
Entertainment Television , , I wish you wouldn't do that every time you don't like something!
Sports , friend , Nice to meet you. Ever thought about professional wrestling?
Crime Effectiveness , Jewelry , JEWELRY NO CAPTION
Food Quality Restaurants Food Quality Restaurants , , This Beef Wellington tastes like rubber boots!
Travel , , We want two round-trip tickets to here.
Service Service , horn horn , I said, 'Merry Christmas, Your Lordship. You can't take it with you'.
Animals Safety , birds , Alex ... come up this end.
Entertainment Quality , Miss , She's changed her nationality 14 times and still hasn't won a pageant.
Employment Military , arrows , There must be other jobs besides being a bodyguard.
Employment Employment , assistant assistant , I know I only started yesterday, but I need a couple of weeks off.
Marriage Marriage Marriage Marriage , Guidance Guidance , "HE SAYS I GOTTA TAKE VIAGRA."
Lodging Maintenance , bags , Don't forget to take out the garbage.
Children Holidays , child , Mom, I'm going to bed now. Wake me up Christmas morning.
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , Hot Dog Hot Dog , My weiner shot over there under the stove!
Children , baby , He doesn't get THAT from his father.
Doctors Health , doctor , It's nothing to worry about. You're dehydrated.
Effectiveness Travel Effectiveness Travel , Bus Stop Bus Stop , There's never a bus when you want one.
Leisure Retail Safety Sports Leisure Retail Safety Sports , Sporting Goods Sporting Goods , Got any roller skates with airbags?
Retail Retail , groceries groceries , I wish you would stay at home if you're tired.
Animals Doctors Pets Animals Doctors Pets , , I've done the best I can.
Animals Employment Animals Employment , Elephant House Elephant House , They've decided it was a job-related accident.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , If I don't cure your amnesia, you get ten times your money back.
Health Health , husband husband , Your mother went jogging and got a ticket for 'malicious damage' to the sidewalk.
Automobiles Training Automobiles Training , School Motoring School Motoring , My sister TOLD me you were no good.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Those two seem to be enjoying themselves.
Music Music Retail Music Music Retail , Classical Classical , Joyce, ask Mr. Dennison if he's heard of a composer named Mozart.
Quality Restaurants Quality Restaurants , bottle bottle , I'll have to go and get my toolbox from the car.
Death Friendship Health Death Friendship Health , bed bed , The doctor said you had a 50-50 chance.
Doctors Fashion Health Doctors Fashion Health , doctor doctor , You need more excitement in your life.
Politics Politics , Moo Moo , It's time we heard from the silent majority.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , He's not house-trained, but who cares?
Children Children , baby baby , We named him 'Uncle' after my mum's brother.
Service Service , fat lady fat lady , Whaddya mean, '$1,000 a mile?'
Effectiveness Travel Effectiveness Travel , Guide Guide , We get a lot of foreign visitors.
Miscellaneous Sports aliens Miscellaneous Sports aliens , ,
Art Art , , What are you doing?
Effectiveness Friendship Effectiveness Friendship , , SILENCE NO CAPTION
Children Fashion Grooming Children Fashion Grooming , afro afro , Grandpa's bought a wig.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Now where's he going with a screwdriver?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , bed bed , You know better than to make a bed like that, nurse.
Employment Employment , boss boss , I've decided to move you up the ladder. Get a bucket.
Children Safety Children Safety , , There goes 20 buck's worth of fireworks.
Children Children , child child , I just can't believe I'm gonna look like you when I'm 35.
Health Lodging Health Lodging , bed bed , I hear you're not completely satisfied with your semi-private accomodation.
Animals Pets Retail , , Imagine you've got 12 of these babies and a burglar breaks in.
Retail Retail , fork fork , Ralphy ... what did you use to get that new glue off your finger?
Crime Sales Crime Sales , bicycle bicycle , If you buy the bike, I'll throw in the parking meter.
Fashion Fashion , cowboy cowboy , What did you buy that for? You can't even ride a bicycle!
Children Food Children Food , child child , That is not the way to pass Daddy the potatoes!
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , husband husband , You can stop waving goodbye. I'm staying!
Friendship Health Friendship Health , head head , D'you think I should see a doctor?
Doctors Ethics Health Doctors Ethics Health , doctor doctor , I'll do your gallstones and your wife's broken pelvis for your left kidney.
Children Children , baby baby , It was a difficult birth. He's saggitarius and aquarius.
Education Effectiveness Training Education Effectiveness Training , dunce cap dunce cap , I've been going to those adult education classes.
Children Education Children Education , Geography Geography , Found New Zealand yet, Robert?
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , dog house dog house , He likes to get a good run at the mailman.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , We had to put a steel plate in your leg.
Marriage Restaurants Marriage Restaurants , boot boot , It's our anniversary. She had to come straight from work.
Effectiveness Leisure Sports Effectiveness Leisure Sports , antlers antlers , I got them both during mating season.
Animals , Not Feed , The zoo has decided not to press charges.
Animals Employment Pets , Sundays , That dog's driving me nuts!
Innovation Innovation , Inventions Inventions , Air bags for pedestrians.
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , fishing rod fishing rod , Don't blame me! I told you not to leave it on the seat of the car.
Safety Safety , cactus cactus , I told you it didn't smell.
Sports , Bus Stop , My wife needs it for target practice.
Employment Employment , Manager Manager , I can start work Monday if I don't win the lottery this weekend.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed bed , Just a little exploratory surgery.
Employment Employment , Air Air , Well I guess we can kiss goodbye to my promising career on the radio.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , Fighting Fish Pair Fighting Fish Pair , Just give them enough food for one.
Marriage , Hotel , 'The honeymoon suite is booked for another 20 minutes.
Quality Restaurants food Quality Restaurants food , , 'Catch of the Day' is fish sticks.
Restaurants Service food , , It'll speed things up if you order the meatloaf.
Doctors Health , balloon , Quit fooling around with that!
Lodging , Real Estate apartment , How often do you find a basement apartment with a balcony?
Death , devil , They give us time off for bad behavior down here. I can get time off for bad behavior.
Food Retail , Pink Salmon , He wants to know if we have any white salmon? We got any white salmon?
Art Marriage , husband , You told me to hang your mother's picture in the hallway.
Marriage , fence , In 10 years, she changed from a ballerina to a sports arena.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , camel camel , They're specially bred for long walks.
Dentistry Diet , fat lady , Since she got her new teeth, she's put on 60 pounds.
Marriage , boxer , On a scale of 1 to 10, she's a light heavyweight.
Retail Sales , Perfume , It's a very popular gift item, and for $15. we put a $95 price tag on it.
Holidays , fence , My birthday surprise was walking into the kitchen and finding the toaster on fire.
Art Art , Picasso Picasso , I'm tired of being an unknown artist.
Banks Service , Banking Express Teller Less , That's if you have less than $8 in your account.
Fashion Leisure Sports , racquet , Is he allowed to wear that?
Health , card , Who's the get-well card for?
Lodging Maintenance Service , flood , You won't find it under 'plumber'. Look under 'drainage engineer.'
Retail Safety , Shoe , I need a pair of dancing shoes with steel-toe caps.
Automobiles Maintenance Service , Garage , I don't know what this is, but you need a new one.
Animals Food Pets , dog , He loves people. But mostly he gets canned dog food.
Crime Effectiveness , Stop , It keeps the bag-snatchers away.
Automobiles Marriage , Honest Used Autos , 'I need something with dual controls in the back seat.
Holidays Marriage , birthday , If you're thinking of wishing me a happy birthday, it was yesterday! If you're thinking of wishing me a happy birthday, it was last week!
Crime Lawyers , burglar , You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Grooming Marriage , bride , You promised me you'd get a haircut.
Doctors Health Technology , , I thought you said the guy came and fixed this thing!
Animals Marriage Animals Marriage , bird bird , They're all the same. ... As soon as I laid the egg, he was off.
Children Dating Grooming , boyfriend , Listen, son, if you want to date my daughter, you'd better start letting your hair grow.
Employment art , , Mr. Picasso, I can only work a half-day Thursday.
Animals Grooming , birdbath , Who d'you think wants to drink that after you've been sitting in it?
Dating Entertainment Religion , boyfriend , Watch the movie, Kevin. You don't want to ruin your chances of becoming a TV evangelist.
Grooming Health , knees , Wow! That's the first time I've noticed both my knees bend the wrong way!
Animals Farming Food Animals Farming Food , Grade Grade , Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Government accounting , accountant , If I pay this amount of taxes, I'll qualify for tax exemption as a non-profit organization!
Crime , Let People , His brother and his nephew Reggie are doing 12 years for armed robbery.
Automobiles Employment Sales , employee , It's nearly the 21st Centurey, Mr. Grimthorpe. My salesmen need horseless carriages.
Technology , eskimo , Whaddya think it is?
Marriage , bench , I bought her a cookbook the day we got married forty years ago. ...It's still in the wrapper.
Death Religion , Gold , What's going on? They all told me I couldn't bring it with me!
Doctors Effectiveness Health Technology , arrow , Rapid pulse, sweating, shallow breathing. ... According to the computer, you've got gallstones.
Safety Service Travel , Airport Security , Remember the good old days, when the porter used to put down a little wooden step to help you get off the train?
Art Art , Supplies , Where can I get a bunch of sunflowers?
Children Farming , farmer , Grandma, can you lend me $11 to get a set of false fingernails?
Miscellaneous Newspapers , , UFO SIGHTED NO CAPTION
Doctors Health , doctor , No wonder you're having difficulty walking. You've got an armchair back here!
Doctors Health , doctor , When we get short of bed space, I just walk around the wards with it.
Politics , Vote for , George, you're either running from something or for something.
Newspapers , bench , I don't have a television. Are there any asteroids coming?
Doctors Health , Medical Bill , Well, now we know what they meant when they said, 'You can't take it with you.'
Leisure Sports , golf , NO CAPTION
Innovation Lawyers Technology Television , , Sorry about all the noise, Mr. Robertson. The gentleman is here who invented the eight-foot television.
Effectiveness Government , You Are Here , YOU ARE HERE DEPT. OF SIGNS NO CAPTION
Children Marriage , child , I suppose you realize that behind your back Mom calls you 'chicken legs.'
Leisure , boat , I'll call you back in a couple of days. I'm pretty busy right now.
Children Dating , child , Whaddya mean, 'Don't get mad at him'? He bought a diamond necklace for his girlfriend with my credit card!
Animals Food Pets , footprints , The dog ate a whole bag of chili powder.
Dentistry , dentist , If you touch that nerve again, I'm gonna teach you a new meaning for the word pain.
Leisure Marriage Sports , dart board , Why do you always have to make a contest out of everything?
Restaurants Service , bar , Dimitri, 'punch' is a type of fruit drink.
Ethics Food , Bacon , Oh, that's nice. It says, 'Our company took every precaution to see that the pig didn't suffer.'
Employment , branch , Yes, yes, I know you're excited, but read it yourself. It says, 'Head man wanted for a new branch office.'
Animals Children Doctors Pets , animal , You're a vet. Don't you know what it is?
Employment Health Insurance , Window Cleaner , Harold, the doctor made you quit the insurance office because you kept bringing your work home.
Dentistry , crown , Who put in that crown?
Ethics Leisure Sports , club , I can't find my ball. Look in his pockets.
Doctors Health , doctor , You're OK. How am I?
Safety Travel , Toilet , You'll have to return to your seat, sir... we can't keep circling the airport.
Ethics Food , Eggs , Young man, has it occurred to you that you'll be boiling a young, innocent creature that had the potential for a full and productive life?
Effectiveness , husband , You're supposed to be holding it straight!
Advertising Television , Repair , It happened during one of those used-car-dealer commercials.
Crime Lawyers , accused , The fingerprint evidence is pretty conclusive, your honor.
Fashion , earrings , He didn't even notice my earrings!
Children Education , History , Sure, you're good at it. You were there for most of it.
Death Entertainment , Charles Bronson Wish , CHARLES BRONSON IN DEATH WISH 38 NO CAPTION
Children Marriage , Father The Bride , FATHER OF THE BRIDE NO CAPTION
Animals Food Innovation Science , aquarium , We've genetically engineered a tuna exactly the same diameter as our cans.
Food Retail , groceries , I remember when you could get a bag of groceries for 30 cents.
Animals Mail , fence , Never trust a dog that smiles at you like that.
Science , blackboard , I've proven I don't exist.
Health , husband , I'm gonna get you a Medic-Alert bracelet just in case you're ever found conscious!
Doctors Health , doctor , He bought an exercise bike and couldn't get on the saddle.
Philosophy , friend , His idea of life in the fast lane is going through the express checkout with a can of prune juice.
accounting , brain , I can't remember: Are accountants 'left brain' or 'right brain'?
Crime , automobile , After you finish writing that, maybe you can find out who broke into my apartment last week and stole all my furniture.
Marriage Religion , bride , This is your last chance, Steve.
Crime Religion , Phone , What's the number for Dial-a-Prayer?
Retail , groceries , I wish you would stay at home if you're tired.
Quality Restaurants Safety , axe , STOMACH PUMP BREAK GLASS NO CAPTION
Lodging Miscellaneous aliens , , Eventually, when we get more spae at the zoo, we're gonna build them little houses with real little lawns and everything they like.
Technology Television , , I saw one of these at the Museum of Technology.
Miscellaneous , boss , You've never heard the expression, 'take a seat' before?
Retail Technology , Cameras , You'll need a wide-angle lense for a self-portrait.
Doctors Health , bed , I've got good news and bad news. We found you a donor, but the guy was 104 years old.
Doctors Health , doctor , And don't give me any of those local anesthetics. Get me the good imported stuff.
Retail , fork , Ralphy ... what did you use to get that new contact glue off your finger?
Automobiles Retail , Garage , When I said I wanted heavy-duty shocks, I didn't mean when I read the bill.
Crime Lawyers , accused , Your honor, my client pleads not guilty to the charge of tailgating.
Marriage , laundry , I'd better go ... I think he's trying to tell me he's waiting for his lunch.
Animals Restaurants , birds , Would you prefer to eat inside?
Technology Travel , Airway , No offense, but I have installed a little electronic homing device on my suitcase.
Grooming Retail , Cologne , This one's one of our best sellers. It makes you smell taller.
art , , This one lost the family fortune.
Effectiveness Sales sales , lady , Are you telling me your company expects you to sell cosmetics with a face like that?
Doctors Health Safety Sports , bandages , He says bullfighting is the only thing he's good at.
Animals , monkey , Don't turn around and hand over the keys to the monkey house.
Restaurants Safety , forks , What was that big crash in the kitchen?
Music Technology , , We've recorded every piece of music ever written on one CD for $6.95.
Animals , grass , I was abandoned by my parents as a baby, and raised by a family of rabbits.
Grooming , barber , Your scalp's very dry.
Service , 387 , 386 1/2 ...
Automobiles Training , School Driving , Remember what you learned yesterday. You've got to sit up here behind the steering wheel.
Military , Ceasar , The word on the street is that Hannibal is looking for a bunch of elephant trainers.
Doctors Health Leisure Marriage , bandages , You'd better not play cards with your wife for a while.
Sports , coach , Wait 'til you see his backhand.
Lodging Safety , bed , I think we should move to a better neighborhood.
Entertainment Television , , I've been watching this quiz show for 15 years, and I've never once answered a question correctly.
Dentistry , dentist , So, did any of your other clients lose money on the stock market besides me?
Marriage Religion , bride , Is it OK if I run out and stick a few coins in the old parking meter?
Lodging Maintenance , bill , The phone company wants to know if they should bill us daily.
Children , friend , This is my nephew, Eric. He wants to borrow that $100 you've owed me for the past four year.
Entertainment Television , , And when we come back, I'll be introducing you to someone who clearly demonstrates that 'all men are not created equal.'
Marriage , bed , And another thing ... I'm getting sick of looking at the picture of Mel Gibson.
Technology , adjustable bed , He didn't know it was adjustable. I think he's pressed the wrong button.
Diet Doctors Food Health , Drug Clinic , He says he's developed a dependency on three meals a day.
Automobiles Safety , automobile , Wake up. I think we're under water.
Restaurants Service , arrows , No, no! custard, custard ... Not Custer.
Grooming , beard , Any idea where I left my razor?
Effectiveness , Coast Guard , He says he's been swimming around in circles for three days.
children , , Just a few more minutes because Daddy's on the night shift.
Health Technology , , Show me what to press if I want to record a movie after I've gone to bed.
Grooming Safety , bath , When I was a little girl I used to be afraid of sliding down the plug hole.
Dentistry Technology , dentist , The old methods are still the best.
Doctors Health Safety , bed , This is the elephant trainer who was sat on.
Travel , automobile , It's very nice of your husband to drive us all to the airport.
Employment Entertainment , animal costume , If you don't mind, I am referred to as an 'animal impersonator.'
Automobiles , automobile , How many times have I told you about slamming that door!
Science , caveman , And don't call me 'Stone Age'. I'm Bronze Age.
Automobiles Safety , automobile , Only you would be stupid enough to park on the San Andreas fault!
Food Grooming , bathtub , These aren't bath crystal they're jello crystals!
Automobiles Safety , automobile , It's barely noticeable from the outside.
Dentistry , Dentist , DENTIST NO CAPTION
Retail , glasses , YOU BREAK IT YOU BUY IT! NO CAPTION
Children Doctors Lawyers , baby , Get me a lawyer.
Restaurants , cafe , Excuse me ... you're blocking the aisle!
Employment , bed , I was laid off work yesterday. Wake me up in three weeks.
Children , child , Take that off of Dad's face It's time for school.
Effectiveness Safety , Back Off , BACK OFF NO CAPTION
Miscellaneous Travel , , Now don't go running off 'til I find out where we are.
children , , Mom, look, we made Grandad smile!
Technology , Reception , That guy on the 35th floor wants to know if the elevator's gonna be fixed this month.
Crime Marriage , 999 , Make up your mind, Harold. Which one of us do you want to remain married to?
Animals Pets , dog , He wants to be a veterinarian.
Children Health , baby , It's not my fault if the doctor said it was 'indigestion'!
Lawyers doctors , , I've been operating on a malpractice lawyer all morning. Look at my hands shaking!
Safety , Port , PORT STARBOARD NO CAPTION
Innovation Sports , Coach , On you mark ... get set ...
Doctors Health , desk , This is an architect's office. The podiatrist is next door.
Death Lodging , Real Estate bed , Why would anyone rent us a nine-bedroom house for $200 a month?
Banks Crime Employment , Banking husband , I've quit my job at the bank.
Crime , Mug Shots , If I do happen to pick him out, what are the chances of him being held in custody long enough for me to leave the country?
Safety Travel , airplane , Please fasten your seatbelt. We're expecting a little turbulence.
Retail Sales , flowers , I can let you have those for a cheaper price.
Employment Employment , , Can you type 40 words a minute?
Grooming , Soap , I never use this brand myself. I find it makes my skin dry.
Children Fashion , grandchild , Grandpa, did you buy those pants when you were a lot taller?
Doctors Effectiveness , Sign Painter , EAR, NOSE and THROAT!
Animals Sports , jockey , The main thing with a horse is you've got to make sure he knows who's the boss.
Friendship Lodging , neighbor , Hi. I'm your new neighbor from across the hall. I'm divorced, so don't be surprised if I'm always over here around mealtimes.
Lodging Maintenance Safety , bulb , I told you to call an electrician.
Quality Restaurants , Menu , Is this the guy who wouldn't eat the soup?
Lodging Maintenance Safety , stairs , Be careful on those basement stairs.
Government Health Travel , Immigration , Business or pleasure?
Fashion children , , Grandma, can we borrow these to make a tent?
Grooming , Beauty Salon , You've got one hope ... reincarnation.
Television , husband , He can't come to the phone. He's busy watching television.
Miscellaneous , payphone , Well, if it's the wrong number, why did you answer the phone, you idiot? Now I've lost my coin.
Entertainment , husband , I thought you said it won an Academy Award.
Insurance Lodging , husband , Did you know we have $34,000 worth of fire insurance on the swimming pool?
Doctors Health , doctor , You should never stifle a sneeze!
Health Safety , axe , You should be careful with blisters. You'd better let the doctor take a look at it after.
Children , Daily Telegraph , Dad, I can't find my baseball anywhere.
Restaurants Service food , , Pepper?
Diet , Bus Stop , I lost 10 pounds once. To be honest, I didn't notice any difference.
Retail Sales , bed , Personally, I prefer a soft mattress.
Service , bed , I gotta clean the room.
Children Military Miscellaneous , , Clarissa, will you please get back in here this instant.
Death Safety , husband , Your cousin Ernie failed the skydiving course.
Children Restaurants Service , Menu , OK, a cheeseburger for you. What about the punk?
Doctors Health , bed , It's not as bad as it looks.
Health Safety , hospital , How many times have I told you about running in the corridors?
Automobiles , car , Driver's license and registration.
Fashion Restaurants , Menu , NO SHORTS ALLOWED NO CAPTION
Animals Pets Religion , automobile , Hey, poodle ... sweetheart. ... How's it going, baby?
Dentistry , dentist , He can't see you for at least three weeks.
Advertising Television , , WOULDNT YOU RATHER BE SHOPPING? NO CAPTION
Restaurants Service , Menu , I wish you hadn't told the waiter he didn't look his age.
Animals Fashion Marriage , cage , I'd like to return this mink. My husband bought it for my birthday as a little joke.
Military Service , blacksmith , He said he hates to be a bother, but could you please sharpen this up for tomorrow's battle.
Health Service , arrows , I'm sorry, sir! This is a hospital, you must have an appointment.
Dating , boyfriend , I gotta be straight with you, Andrea. I wear special shoes to make me look taller.
Automobiles Sales , , That's the last one I have at that price.
Animals Effectiveness , Beaver Pond , BEAVER POND NO CAPTION
Children , baby sitter , Mom, is this my baby sitter?
Food , bed , I know you're not sleep-walking. Stay away from that cake in the fridge.
Crime Lawyers , courtroom , Your honor, if my client is found not guilty, he could lose more than $2 million in book royalties alone.
Crime Lawyers , accused , He stole $15 million, your honor. He wants to plead 'guilty with a good excuse.'
Miscellaneous , , Which way do you think it's facing?
Doctors Health , desk , I'm taking you off the vitamins for a while.
Advertising Television , , Gentlemen, to combat the growing menace of the VCR, I think we should restrict ourselves to 45 minutes of advertising in any program hour.
Crime Lawyers , courtroom , We, the jury, find the defendant not guilty by reason of insanity.
Animals Travel Animals Travel , bench bench , My first husband, George, loved to fly.
Employment , boss , Take that out of your mouth and tell the nice man why you'd like a job here.
Children Diet , Mom , Sweetheart, don't forget your lunch.
Automobiles Travel , THIS VEHICLE DOES NOT STOP RAILWAY CROSSINGS CAPTION , THIS VEHICLE DOES NOT STOP AT RAILWAY CROSSINGS NO CAPTION
Travel , Registration , I'm sorry about the bed, sir. You said you wanted the cheapest room.
Crime Lawyers , accused , This is the 11th time I've sent you to prison. You haven't learned much in 30 years, have you?
Diet , old man , I guess you could say I'm a self-made man.
Grooming , bald , I warned you about pulling out gray hairs.
Marriage , cousellor , We just don't see eye to eye anymore.
Automobiles Sales , , Can I pay for it over 3 years?
Dentistry Doctors Health , bandages , He'd just spent $600 having his tooth capped.
Health Safety , Anger Management , ANGER MANAGEMENT NO CAPTION
Children Education , child , If I can't spell it, how can I look it up in the dictionary?
Marriage Philosophy , husband , Call me apathetic if you like. See how much I care!
Children Education , bed , I'm studying astrophysics and you're reading me 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears'!
Children Food , child , I don't think Mom makes spaghetti on toast like that.
Food Leisure Travel , , Did you bring the food?
Animals , fly , Are you sure you got it?
Philosophy , daughter , I'm only really happy when I'm miserable.
Health Travel , boat , My doctor told me to take a cruise and relax.
Effectiveness Employment Entertainment , High Dive , I had to give everyone their money back!
Crime Lawyers Marriage , accused , Is that all you have to show the Court in your defence?
Service , NEW YORK LIBRARY SHUDDUP , NEW YORK LIBRARY SHUDDUP NO CAPTION
Animals Leisure Sports , duck , If you're bored with duck hunting, go home.
, bride , It's his first time.
Crime Fashion , Wanted , Someone stole his elevator shoes.
Service , Keys Cut , KEYS CUT NO CAPTION
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , Yummies Yummies , I gotta leave you on your own for a few weeks.
Miscellaneous , , Extraterrestrials have landed.
Health , brother , He thinks a chiropractor is an Egyptian doctor.
Food Lodging Maintenance , door , Here's your supper. I've waxed the floor.
Service , Taxi , Get me to the airport in 10 minutes and I may overlook this filthy cab.
Government Grooming , automobile , It's an emergency! She's gotta be at the hairdresser in three minutes.
Insurance Marriage , husband , My life insurance company has offered me a premium reduction if I promise not to eat your cooking.
Animals Food Pets , dog , He doesn't like anchovies!
Employment Music , Harpsichord Tuners Strike , We haven't had a contract since 1742!
Food accounting , accountant , I don't want to worry you, but the guy who delivered the pizza was your accountant.
Animals Pets , , It's for my mother-in-law. Got anything rabid?
Health Retail , Pharmacy , These pills are a dollar each or you can take two-a-day for $1.50.
Health , Out Patients , I thought my shoe was squeaking for a while and then my foot fell off. I thought my shoe was squeaking.
Friendship Marriage Religion Travel , best man , She's not going to turn up. D'you want to come to Niagara Falls for a week's vacation?
Children Education Science , child , My teacher assures me that genetics have absolutely nothing to do with the development of the brain.
Quality Restaurants food , , This is awful! Is my wife working here now?
Marriage , bride , My ex-husband was up all night buying everybody drinks.
Advertising Retail , Say With Flowers , What can I say for about seven dollars. I wanna say, 'take your job and shove it' in poinsettias.
Entertainment , box , So this is your private box at the theater!
Marriage , friend , We had a second honeymoon. Six days and seven fights. We went to Greece for a second honeymoon. Six days and seven fights.
Insurance Lodging Safety , fence , I get a real deal on fire insurance.
Safety , bandages , I was showing my sister-in-law how I slammed his thumb in the car door.
Safety Service , Complaints , COMPLAINTS NO CAPTION
Marriage , husband , Let's face it, Edgar, we're growing apart.
Automobiles Service , Valet Parking , Don't play around with the seat.
Lodging Maintenance Religion , artist , What about the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel? I'm getting tired of white.
Dentistry , dentist , I'b spled, I'b spill ab de benpisp.
Art , artist , What are you, blind? You hung it upside down!
Lodging Maintenance , fertilizer , Do you have to fertilize the lawn today?
Music doctors , , His parents, grandparents, and each of his great-grandparents were all concert pianists.
Food Restaurants , Jumbo Hot Dogs , I ran out of the long buns.
Crime Effectiveness , Warden , We don't use searchlights any more, Parker. We use heat sensitive cameras.
Insurance Sales , door , That insurance salesman's still out there!
Entertainment Television , , Helen, turn to channel 22, 'World of Magic.'
Fashion Retail Sales , Ladies Shoes , I definitely don't have your size in beige.
Lawyers Marriage , lawyer , He says he leaves you everything you left him ... broke.
Effectiveness Employment , assistant , I'm not gonna take any coffee breaks this week so I can have Friday off.
Technology Television , , Try the vertical hold!
Children , child , Now get up to your room until you learn to act like a man.
Health , bench , Will you please mind your own business and sit somewhere else? I've had a very rough day.
Children Dating Marriage , boyfriend , You didn't have any money either when you married Mom!
Fashion , coat , Is that the jacket your grandson bought you for your birthday?
Employment Restaurants Service , Menu , I just want to tell everyone that up until this moment, I've really enjoyed working here.
Automobiles Training , Atlas School Driving , You're still cornering too fast.
Death Religion , Fun , FUN MISERY NO CAPTION
Leisure Sports , golf , I told you to use your putter.
Food Innovation , husband , I asked you what you wanted for lunch and you said, 'Surprise me.'
Marriage Miscellaneous , husband , She's not home. ... Wait for the click ... then leave your message.
Children Food Safety , child , Go and open the front door while your mother's cooking. I don't want the fire department breaking it down with an ax.
Fashion , dress , She makes her own clothes!
Food Restaurants Service , restaurant , I told you not to order 'home fries'! The chef lives 20 miles away.
Effectiveness Grooming , hair dresser , I can guarantee it won't go frizzy with these.
Innovation Lawyers , invention , PATENT OFFICE NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales , , Power steering, of course.
Newspapers , Houses For Sale Real Estate , It says: 'Ideal for first-time home buyers. Only $214,000'.
Art Effectiveness , artist , NO CAPTION
Education Employment , Personel , Your resume says you spent 'fore years at collej.'
Doctors Health , doctor , Your hair transplant is being rejected!
Automobiles Government , Police , Your driver's license expired in 1914.
Children Marriage , daughter , Daddy, this is my new husband, Bernie. He's a veterinarian.
Ethics Miscellaneous , bench , When he was 6 years old, my father was kidnapped by headhunters and never seen again.
Children Lodging Maintenance Safety , child , Is he allowed to play with knives? He's cut my hose!
Government Travel , , You arrive at 5 p.m. and your connecting flight leaves at 7 p.m. That leaves you only two hours to clear customs.
Technology Television , , Didn't you pay the cable bill?
Employment , employee , What made you give up your last job as an electrician?
Children , child , Got any 'get sick' cards?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Take four aspirin and call me in the morning.
Entertainment Friendship , balloon , Thanks for a lovely party last night. I know George had a good time.
Banks , Banking husband , What do you mean you don't trust banks? You only have $34.
Retail , Bedding , All we have is twin, double and queen-size.
Doctors Health , , Do you want Dr. Watson, the skin specialist or Dr. Watson, the gynecologist?
Fashion Friendship , friend , Good grief! It's been twenty years. I thought I recognized the suit.
Automobiles , automobile , We're not doing 3,500 miles an hour. That's the engine speed.
Marriage Marriage , birthday cake birthday cake , I dropped your cake.
Marriage Philosophy , cave , You want a career. Try chasing bloodthirsty animals with a home-made spear?
Fashion Marriage , costume , I don't care if it is 'fancy dress', I'm not going with you looking like that!
Lodging Quality , chair , George makes all our own furniture.
Leisure Sports , club , Whaddyer mean twenty-six, twenty-seven, I'm hitting a rock!
Employment Holidays , boxer , Your foreman tells me you had a very fruitful vacation in Las Vegas.
Entertainment Science Television , Cleopatra , Will the real Cleopatra please stand up?
Grooming Service , Shoe Shine , That's fine!
Quality , bartender , What did you put in his drink, Harry?
Lodging Technology , Real Estate phone , You're on a party line here ... eleven long rings and seven short!
Food Retail , , Here's the coffee ... right at the back.
Grooming Service , barber , Here comes this week's challenge!
Animals Effectiveness Safety , boat , SHARK BOAT NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , bed bed , You left the hose connected to the waterbed!
Lodging , Real Estate basement , This year I'm gonna finish off the basement!
Effectiveness Friendship , arrow , I think he wants to be friends!
Grooming , bald , You've got a nice little recession of your own going on up here!
Marriage , boards , Your mother just phoned ... she's coming over.
Crime Lodging , cleaning lady , Anybody got the right time?
Ethics Sports , armour , Technically, you could say you dis-armed him.
Effectiveness Entertainment Technology , earphone , She doesn't buy many luxuries but she loves her stereo.
Safety Science , invisible man , It's going to take an hour to wear off. What do you want to do?
Health Technology , bicycle , I hear you got an artificial heart.
Crime Effectiveness , police , Alcoholics Annonymous called ... since you've been on 'Park Patrol', they've tripled their membership!
Entertainment Marriage Television , Guide , I'm watching the golf ... if you want a soap opera, wash the dishes.
Entertainment Television , Guide , That dog on the soap opera is getting it's own weekly series!
Employment , employee , I was just talking to your previous employer. He says you're a troublemaker.
Fashion Marriage , beauty contest , 34-24-36 ... It sounds like your right arm.
Ethics Food , friend , Where's a U.F.O.?
Fashion Marriage , dress , Oh yeah...well next time you make a dress for your mother ... get someone else.
Leisure Sports , jockey , There's the last-minute replacement jockey for your hot-tip.
Doctors Service , doctor , Take your time Doc. I'm enjoying reading 'Predictions for 1948'.
Animals Pets , dog , Now where's he going with a screwdriver?
Employment , LOSE , It means, 'Lay Off Someone Else'.
Doctors Health , couch , So what happened after you told Julius Caesar to get out of Egypt?
Art , ,
Animals Leisure Sports , deer , I'm sorry. What more can I say!
Lodging , chair , If it's for your wife, sir, I'd suggest crushed velvet.
Technology , Telephone , Hang on, there's a guy in here complaining about the bus being overcrowded.
Grooming , Beauty Salon , Well, nobody can say you didn't try.
Health , Weight Clinic , I'll be back in an hour, Muriel.
Safety , burn , You should never use an electric blanket on a waterbed!
Innovation Technology , cave men , You sat up in the middle of the night and shouted, 'Rub two sticks together.'
Entertainment Marriage , door , We were just toying with the idea of going to see a movie. Can you come back in about three minutes?
Health , , Can't you hum something else?
Aliens Employment Ethics Miscellaneous , alien , Are we still hiring minorities?
Animals Grooming Pets , bathtub , I don't care if it's his birthday! I want him out.
Doctors Health , doctor , 385 pounds, including the towel.
Marriage , friend , As soon as we got married I realized two can live as cheaply as six.
Animals Lodging Pets , book , Can't you help me catch the canary?
Marriage , feet , How many times have I told you not to put your feet on the table?
Education Food Marriage , egg , A whole boiled egg! So two years of night school finally paid off.
Fashion Retail Sales , dress , Be careful how you try that one on, this is a very old building.
Health Insurance Marriage , bandages , As you can see, your insurance doesn't cover 'family squabbles.'
Education Friendship , bar , Remember that kid at school we used to call 'the moron'? He's making $250,000 a year.
Science , beach , I'd say that was just about a total eclipse, wouldn't you?
Leisure Lodging , neighbor , Oh no! He's bought a trampoline.
Marriage Restaurants , ashtray , I bet you didn't remember that this is the same coffee shop where we met 25 years ago.
Quality Restaurants , hat , I hope you like bamboo soup.
Doctors Health , doctor , How come my sister gets big blue capsules and I get cough syrup?
Food Restaurants , Hot Dog , My weiner shot over there under the stove!
Safety Travel , airplane , Hey, stewardess. Can you do the seat-belt demonstration a few more times.
Fashion , Fire , I told you to get size 10.
Animals Fashion , bar , Her mother had a coat made and put 'squirrel' on the endangered species list!
Employment , boss , Mildew, can you work an hour's overtime tonight?
Marriage Travel , husband , You can stop waving goodbye. I'm staying!
Crime Politics , , We went on strike last week and they brought in scab convicts.
Effectiveness Food Technology , apple , Hey, Pierre! D'you want half of this apple?
Animals Entertainment , Hippo House , HIPPO HOUSE NO CAPTION
Food Lodging , , I always welcome new neighbors with one of my gooseberry pies ... nine dollars.
Banks Crime , Bank Banking , You can go ahead of me if you're making a deposit.
Banks , Banking Loans , I'll sign my brother-in-law's name 'till I get my memory back.
Lodging Retail Sales , Furniture , For the man in a hurry.
Health Marriage , Hospital , Keep talking. I'm just going to take a nap.
Travel , Pacific Ocean , Yes, yes, I know it's the other way! I'm going around the world.
art , , Not one of his better works, but the only one he painted upside down.
Automobiles Maintenance , automobile , Did I or didn't I say unleaded gas?
Restaurants Service , Donuts , Got a bigger mug?
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , We now take blood pressure for the whole body.
Service , Complaints , And it's about time they fixed up the rotten canteen in this place!
Retail , Books , BOOKS THRILLERS NO CAPTION
Maintenance Miscellaneous , Cold , HOT COLD NO CAPTION
Marriage Retail , Jewelry , I've got her finger size in this peanut butter.
Innovation , candle , The idiot couldn't find his cigarette lighter this morning.
Automobiles , automobile , I'm not having you fall asleep at the wheel.
Restaurants , Coffee Shop , They never get enough sun at my place.
Crime Retail , Lamps , Our Þgures show that the larger lamps are 68 percent less likely to be stolen by burglars.
Restaurants , diner , No chain-smoking.
Automobiles Training , Driver Trainer , You hit the sidewalk on that left turn.
Animals Pets , husband , Want me to put the cat out?
Automobiles Sales , Auto Mart , I can't say enough about this car.
Music children , , How long before the snake comes out?
Animals Farming , NEXT GRASS 143 MILES , NEXT GRASS 143 MILES NO CAPTION
Holidays Retail , Hardware , It's our 'pre-Christmas giveaway.'
Fashion , hat , You look like an endangered species.
Leisure Sports , clubs , Oh no! I hope you're not wearing your new golf shoes in there!
Miscellaneous , beggar , Can you spare a twenty?
Marriage , JUST MARRIED JUST DIVORCED , JUST MARRIED JUST DIVORCED NO CAPTION
Safety Sales Service , Pick Your Own Balloon , I'm scared of heights.
Doctors Health , doctor , I can see my filing cabinet.
Quality Service , Complaints , COMPLAINTS NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales , One Owner , Is that one owner since new or one owner now?
Effectiveness Entertainment , Eat Dust , E, C A B Z, M ...
Leisure Sports , Canoes For Hire , Sorry, pal, we're right out of aircraft carriers.
Leisure Safety , bait , NO CAPTION
Animals Pets , birds , His family flew in for a visit.
Automobiles Maintenance , Car Wash , Want the inside done?
Effectiveness Marriage , bed , He said I could have breakfast in bed every morning.
accounting , TAX CONSULTANT LEFT THE COUNTRY , R.TRIP TAX CONSULTANT LEFT THE COUNTRY NO CAPTION
Art Retail , , Now then, is that blue or glue?
Leisure Sports , poles , That guy in the red doesn't have any!
Effectiveness Employment , hands , He had to give up the shoe-repair business.
Banks Effectiveness , Real Estate shovels , We've come to repossess your land.
Doctors Health , EDOLBYPS , Perfect! I'll take 'em.
Employment , Boss , I like a man with determination.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , I am still waiting for my 18 cents change!
Government Travel , Bus Stop , I'm not stealing it. I'm moving it closer to my house.
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , I feel better when I can hear it pumping.
Technology , Bell , YE BELL NO CAPTION
Fashion Retail , Menswear , Come on ... it's not going to look like that on you.
Doctors Military Technology , arrow , It's got a little camera on the front of it.
Food Quality , coffee , I didn't have any milk for your coffee so I put some white wine in it.
Art Crime Effectiveness , Van Gogh Exhibit , Just a moment, sir.
Banks , Bank Banking , I don't want my wife to find out I have an account here.
Crime Lawyers , accused , You mean I have to pay a hundred dollar fine on top of my $8,000 legal fees!
Automobiles Maintenance Service , Super , You need a quart of oil and a set of ovenproof dishes.
Crime Lawyers , Judge , All right, all right. Fifteen years less 37 minutes.
Automobiles Effectiveness Government Safety , automobile , It's just until I get my brakes fixed.
Automobiles Maintenance , Muffler , It wasn't your muffler.
Retail Service , Hardware , Number 7.
Automobiles Sales , Power Roof , I'll get that adjusted.
Service Travel , Taxi , Two eighty-five? Here, take the $3 and drive another 100 yards.
Quality Restaurants , chef , Tell Eddie I found his pen.
Children Retail , butcher shop , One day, Damien, this will all belong to you. Three weeks later, it will all belong to the bank.
Marriage Quality Retail , Glass , Engagement rings.
Government Travel , Customs , If my suitcases ever show up, help yourself.
Entertainment Restaurants , Maitre Dis , Table for two near the orchestra.
Fashion Sports , Trainer , You wanna look your best for the hospital.
Restaurants , Menu , Want to see the wine list?
Food Service , delivery boy , You certainly don't have to pay for a large pepperoni if you only ordered a medium.
Lodging Service , Hotel Reception , The elevator's broken. I'll have to make several trips with all your luggage.
Lodging Service , Bed Breakfast , You missed breakfast. It was 6 o'clock this morning.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I recommend 8-ounce gloves and protective headgear.
Automobiles Government , Police , There ... now you've made his airbag go off.
Restaurants Service , Menu , NO SMOKING WITH MEALS UNDER $15.00 NO CAPTION
Animals Pets Retail , Fighting Fish Pair , Just give them enough food for one.
Children Education Lawyers , History Test Answers For , The court ruled in his favor.
Doctors Health , doctor , It always speeds up when I take my clothes off.
Restaurants , Menu , It's happy hour. You get two mushroom soups.
Employment Sports , football , That's our third loss in a row. You're fired.
Marriage Miscellaneous , mother law , I decided to save you the trouble of visiting me.
Leisure Retail Safety Sports , Sporting Goods , Got any roller skates with airbags?
Effectiveness Health Technology , Exray , X-RAY FOLLOW THE INVISIBLE LINE NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Travel , Guide , We get a lot of foreign visitors.
Employment Farming , bed , Getting ready for the annual sheep count, Mildew?
Children , child , Dad, can I borrow the car payment?
Safety , pumpkins , He was the world's greatest juggler.
Health Lodging , bed , I hear you're not completely satisfied with your semi-private accomodation.
Automobiles Crime Government , Special , I see the police got your car back.
Employment , boss , I've decided to move you up the ladder. Get a bucket.
Fashion Retail , Hats , It draws attention away from your face.
Health Television , , Not much on TV.
Quality Retail , Greetings , I'm looking for a card that reflects me ... cheap.
Crime Lodging Safety , Fire , I'd like to make an appointment for 8 o'clock Tuesday.
Effectiveness Sports , 147 , I've got two chances at it this year.
Effectiveness Grooming , bugs , That's your organic shampoo.
Doctors Health , doctor , These should make you relax. You won't have any money to do anything else.
Effectiveness Health , bed , They change the beds every day! I can never find mine!
Banks Crime Effectiveness , Bank , Taxi!
Holidays Marriage , birthday , I didn't get her a birthday card. She took the money.
Health Restaurants , Menu , Guess what 'catch of the day' is.
Fashion Marriage Retail , Wear , We'll take the one on the left.
Automobiles Service , Pizza , Just imagine I'm a pizza and deliver me to my sister's.
Automobiles Training , Park , I know I told you to obey all the signs, but this is not one of them.
Children Effectiveness Employment , axe , Mom! ... I'm over here.
Crime Effectiveness , , I made it out of soap.
Military , arrows , The indians have taken the saloon.
Crime Health , canes , Hand over your pacemaker.
Travel , Body Shop , Have you ever been to Ralph's Body Shop?
Death Effectiveness , devil , They've given you two more years for good behavior.
Quality Restaurants , broom , Catch of the day from the wine cellar, Francine.
Government Travel , Customs , CUSTOMS NO CAPTION
Quality Restaurants , Yum , There's an escargot in my lettuce.
Grooming , barber , The mirror isn't cracked; that's the back of your head.
Service , Smoking , That was $19.80, wasn't it?
Diet Health , bed , I can't keep anything down.
Restaurants Service , bartender , Can you change two pieces of eight for eight pieces of two?
Marriage accounting , friend , She's gonna spend my $18 tax refund on a $400 coat.
Automobiles Sales , Used Autos Nobody Cheaper , That's 25 cents for the price list and a dollar for the coffee.
Automobiles Retail , Parts , Tachometer for an '96 Ferrari.
Effectiveness Retail , Cookware , We need a good can opener.
Doctors Health Safety , bed , The nurse says you're having trouble getting out of bed.
accounting , CEO , I opened 13 dummy corporations-now I can't find my money.
Holidays Innovation , birthday , The big ones are 15 years.
Quality Service , birthday , I'm a singing birthday card. Got a piano and a couple of beers?
Government Travel , Immigration , That's 25 cents for the price list and a dollar for the coffee.
Entertainment Safety , Books , He's probably held up in traffic.
Lodging Marriage , Reception , The honeymoon suite just became available.
Leisure , beach , NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales , , One owner.
Food , cave men , It says here, 'Eat before last summer.'
Friendship Lodging , clock , It's your little friend again, dear. He wants to borrow a 'dip' of sugar.
Children Education , blackboard , Where do you want the decimal point?
Effectiveness Travel , cane , Just keep going left. If I'm not here when you get back, ask someone else.
Food Service , , Just how fast were you driving?
Health Marriage , back , This won't help your back, but it makes me feel great.
Effectiveness Food , husband , I suppose you know you've been standing there for over an hour and the toaster's not plugged in.
Banks , Banking Teller , Tell 'im.
Automobiles Sales , 000 , You'll have power steering if your wife drives.
Quality Restaurants , octopus , That's not the catch of the day, is it?
Animals Children Mail Pets , child , And the lucky winner is ... No. 2.
Education Employment , axe , He's an exchange student.
Effectiveness Restaurants , Menu , Table for one near someone having sausages.
Health , All The Wards , The doctor said to walk on it as much as possible.
Fashion Government Travel , Customs , Would I have worn this hat if I was gonna smuggle?
Fashion Restaurants , husband , It states quite clearly ... 'evening dress.'
Restaurants , glass , One cola, no ice.
Fashion Retail , Ladies Hats , I think I'll wear it like this. Then you won't have to keep reminding me how much it cost.
Automobiles Effectiveness Grooming , Car Wash , We just want hot wax.
Safety Travel , Earthquake Zone Next Gas Miles , EARTHQUAKE ZONE NEXT GAS 56 MILES NO CAPTION
Service , Tickets , My heart nearly stopped. I thought I was looking in a mirror.
Effectiveness Government Politics , , My candidate is determined to slash spending.
Marriage Religion , bride , With this $365 ring, plus sales tax, I thee wed.
Religion , baby , The baptism was 3 o'clock. We were deÞnitely ahead of the wedding.
Effectiveness Employment Food Food , Royal Taster , ROYAL FOOD TASTER NO CAPTION
Leisure Sports Training , Instructor , Bend your knees.
Government Leisure , See The Falls , Tourist or not, sir, I shall need to see a valid fishing permit.
Food Retail , cart , If this is 2 percent milk, how much am I paying for the other 98 percent?
Effectiveness Employment Food food , taster , Mildew, I know you like fruit, but you're supposed to taste-test just one apple and one grape.
Animals Food , ice berg , Oh no! Freezer burn!
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , Oh yeah? Well, I just may not be there when you get home!
Grooming Lodging , bathtub , Next time we'll get a taller plumber.
Leisure Restaurants Sports , Please Wait Seated , Got a large table for six?
Travel , Sweet Corn Miles , It's not even on the map.
Crime Effectiveness , stocks , I'm a trusty.
Lodging , 12A , We're sharing the apartment. He gets it Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Effectiveness Employment , High School , I don't care if it does work better! Put it back the way it was.
Food Retail , Checkout , Are these cornflakes biodegradable?
Safety , dinosaur , Don't get too close. Remember what happened at the zoo.
Innovation Retail Sports , knife , And, of course, this model does have the folding bicycle.
Military , archers , So anyway, we got a date with these two French waitresses ...
Restaurants Service , Menu , Pin these up in the kitchen and we won't have any mistakes.
Death Sports , duel , It's not my fault you're stupid.
Restaurants Service , Menu , I said, 'Is the in-season fruit this season or next season'?
Effectiveness Grooming , Haircut , So how did you break your arm?
Science , dinosaur , Is this the one that caused all the controversy?
Retail , , Let me write you a check for the other 40 cents.
Employment , CEO , It's my first day. I thought this was the staff canteen.
Animals Effectiveness Food Leisure , bear , Did you have to hang the food right above the tent?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , leg , Which leg is it?
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , , I thought that was the exit.
Health , Pharmacy , One of everything four times a day.
Food Innovation Restaurants , Donuts , I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , Oh, boy! I'll be able to take that world cruise after all.
Children Government Travel , Immigration , My kid drew them on my passport picture with a magic marker.
Children , father , I hear your wife had triplets.
Automobiles Service , Gas station , It's either your water pump or your stereo.
Children Education , child , What's it going to be, three meals a day or college?
, For Sale Real Estate , It's got a lovely view of the beach.
Fashion Retail , Shoes , The toes are pinching.
Animals Government Travel , Customs , It must have been in the bag of bananas.
Food , Cakes For All Occasions , Yeah, this feels about right.
Fashion Retail Sales , Instant Credit Off , I hate the color but I'll take it.
Automobiles Travel , Taxi , I gotta be at the airport in 3 minutes. Move over, I'm driving.
Food art , , My wife threw my dinner at the wall and I framed it.
Doctors Health , bed , In a couple of days you should be well enough to make it onto the chart.
Health Music Technology , hearing aid , He's not a musician. That's his new hearing aid.
Automobiles Government , automobile , How can I be parked when my vehicle is in DRIVE?
Entertainment Health Safety , Emergency , Joyce, how do you spell 'juggling'?
Health , Pharmacy , Is my prescription ready?
Restaurants Service , mop , I think I got most of it.
Sports , 732 , Where do you want me to wait?
Animals Automobiles Farming Government Pets , Police , I know it's a dog license! He was driving.
Children Doctors , , How long does it take for a lottery ticket to dissolve in stomach acid?
Quality Restaurants , Menu , That's what you pointed at in the tank!
Marriage Technology , friend , You can tell me now. I took the batteries out of his hearing aid.
Automobiles Effectiveness Sports , 437 , I'm gonna use my car.
Newspapers Science , husband , Twenty-eight percent of the rain forest is now furniture.
Health Leisure Sports , Emergency , I told you not to use that rowing machine.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I found another one of these in his office desk.
Fashion Retail Sales , Hats , Personally, I think it 'makes a statement.'
Dating Restaurants , Savoy Grill , I reserved two stools for 7:30.
Fashion Quality , Made Measure , You need a second fitting.
Service , Closed , I can't focus these binoculars.
Doctors Health Service , arrow , The doctor said sleep on your stomach tonight and he'll see you first thing tomorrow.
Maintenance , Dry Paint , Never sit down until you see one of these.
Employment Leisure Sports , clubs , I hear you're looking for someone who can work without supervision.
Animals Retail , Genuine Hides , Three-piece set in elephant.
Food Restaurants , husband , I'm going to have the buffet. Do you have another one for my husband?
Safety Technology , blender , Don't look at me. I told you to read the instruction manual.
Effectiveness Grooming , arm , Got a toothbrush with an extra-long handle.
Effectiveness Health Technology , bed , 196, 197, 198, 199 ...
Grooming Retail , Cosmetics , What can you recommend for my wife? Apart from the obvious.
Innovation Science , apples , I'm increasing my odds.
Insurance Leisure Sports , fat lady , I had to get her $250,000 in liability insurance before she could skate.
Fashion Retail , Ties , This is the only one we have in your size.
Automobiles Quality Sales , Used Cars , No charge for the sun roof.
Lodging Maintenance Retail , Wallpaper , You said I could bring it back if my wife didn't like it.
Grooming , comb , Make up your mind. Do you want me to cut your hair or you going to a barber?
Service Travel , hand , Taxi!
Doctors Effectiveness Health , Acupuncture , My hands are not as steady as they used to be.
Government Lodging Maintenance , Public Library , I need another 3 1/2 inches.
Safety Travel , Use Other Door , USE OTHER DOOR NO CAPTION
Fashion Military , arrow , It missed my new hat by an inch.
Children Religion , baby , 'Randolph' if it's a boy, 'Jeanette' if it's a girl.
Doctors Health Safety , CONTAGIOUS DISEASES NOT THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE , CONTAGIOUS DISEASES DEPT. DO NOT FOLLOW: THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE NO CAPTION
Children Holidays , Santa Claus , I thought so! He's gonna have to come through the window.
Restaurants , ice bucket , Not so much ice next time.
Travel , airplane , He said he just saw his suitcase fly past the window.
Doctors Health Safety , bed , OK, turn on your left side and face the window.
Employment , employee , If you're calling about the night watchman position, you're too late, it's gone.
Automobiles Maintenance , Air , OK, OK, that's enough!
Health , arm , Walk on the inside. That's the 10th time a cab has pulled over.
Crime Effectiveness , Jewelry , JEWELRY NO CAPTION
Travel , WASHROOM BUST , WASHROOM OR BUST NO CAPTION
Food Restaurants , bull horns , Got any non-dairy creamer?
Health , bed , He's a very difficult patient.
Food Marriage , frying pan , I hit my arm. Two of your sausages are under the dishwasher and one flew out the window.
Restaurants , diner , Haven't you got any bigger tables?
Quality Restaurants , Cafe , There's a fly in my straw.
Effectiveness Television , Weather Forecast , The next six months will be mainly sunny or cloudy, with dry and rainy spells. Winds will be from most directions.
Holidays Retail Service , Christmas Gift Wrapping , Want a bow on it?
Lodging , mother law , Your room's upstairs. The ladder's in the garage.
Marriage Marriage Marriage Marriage , Guidance Guidance , Have we been married 64 years or 65 years?
Restaurants , Coffee Shop Menu , Hey! How many of these sticks equals two tablespoonfuls?
Retail Sales , Refunds , I'll just pay you when I'm sure I like it.
Effectiveness , fence , Pest control
Automobiles Crime Service , Star , Gimme 15 seconds' worth of premium.
Children Service , Taxi , Get going. I want a dollar's worth around the neighborhood.
art , , A picture's supposed to speak a thousand words. I can think of only one.
Effectiveness Mail , Stamps , I want to make sure these arrive in order.
Crime Lawyers , 716 , The judge looked at that new evidence I dug up and gave you another eight years.
Miscellaneous , Restaurant , How much longer are you going to be on that phone?
Doctors Health , bugs , Your blood sugar is very high.
Automobiles Sales , Clean , I got seventeen dollars. Is that reasonable?
Service , axe , Do you want to leave your glasses on?
Grooming Marriage , bar , My wife thinks I'm in the shower.
Sports , boxer , Is there any truth to the rumor that you're thinking of retiring from the ring?
Food , boss , I've decided to take a personal interest in your career. You're fired.
Effectiveness Health , bed , My blankets keep sliding off.
Effectiveness , Balloons , My wife blew up that one.
Health Retail , Prescriptions , How much are these orange and black ones?
Advertising Retail , Why Pay , That slogan was your idea wasn't it Parker?
Service , Pizza , I need a tow to Chestnut Drive, Wilmont Avenue and Hill Street.
Quality art , , This one is called 'Boats on the ocean' by my eldest son, Derek.
Marriage Restaurants , Menu , I told you I'd be a few minutes late.
Effectiveness , Litter , Go and find someplace to plug that in.
Dentistry , Bloggs Dentist , Same time next week.
Animals Innovation Lodging Pets , door , We don't allow the dog into the living room.
Fashion Retail , Wear , The body fits him, but the neck's too tight.
Children Religion Safety , baby , That's just in case you drop him.
Effectiveness , husband , NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , Convertible Convertible , What does it convert into? A tree house?
Food Lodging , husband , What part of the home did you put in these homemade cookies?
Animals Pets Television , cat , What happened to the TV?
Marriage Restaurants , boot , It's our anniversary. She had to come straight from work.
Crime , Jewelry Store , You gonna be long? I'm double-parked.
Animals Lodging Pets , dog door , We bought another dog.
Doctors Health , doctor , Side effects! ... this is all over effects.
Fashion Quality Restaurants , Hot Meals , Sorry, pal, you can't come in here with a tie.
Effectiveness Employment , Manager , Do you think I'm pressing the typewriter keys too hard?
Health Retail Safety , drugs , That's their new tamper-proof package.
Retail , Rare Books , We don't have any!
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Take one of these out every four hours.
Fashion Quality , Invisible Mending , That's $34.50 please.
Technology , Garage Sale , Only needs winding once a month.
Diet Health , Heath Retreat , I demand to know what you were doing in the kitchen at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Effectiveness Grooming , deodorant , Don't get me any more of this roll-on deodorant.
Animals Fashion Food , bull , Wait till you guys feel this leather.
Children , bullseye , NO CAPTION
Fashion Retail , King Sized Clothes , Get lost.
Technology Television , , We couldn't afford an 18-inch set but we bought two nines.
Children Education , Geography , Found New Zealand yet, Robert?
Animals Religion , Ark , I told you it wouldn't float.
Fashion Marriage Religion Retail , bride , You knew it was today!
Doctors Health Safety , doctor , Nurse, where did we get that last batch of nitro-glycerine tablets?
Innovation , Inventions , Air bags for pedestrians.
Effectiveness Sports , 373 , It was yesterday.
Doctors Health , doctor , What do you mean you're out of breath? I haven't switched it on yet!
Maintenance Television , , My husband's been trying to fix it.
Leisure Travel Leisure Travel , UFO UFO , Look at that ocean! Well, Sweetheart, we've got two weeks of nothing but rest and relaxation... Four hours on a jet and Knoxdale Park Gardens is a million miles away. Swaying palms... white sand... no traffic... And they say money can't buy happiness... I wonder if they found our luggage.
Art Leisure Marriage , husband , My pottery teacher says it shows great promise.
Crime Marriage , 2178 prison , I know why you never write! You're too busy digging that stupid tunnel.
Health , Out Patient hospital nurse , Is it OK if I scream with agony between answering the questions?
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , Grab your shepherd's pie. It's fourth from the top.
Art Dating Pets , cat cats , I hope you're a cat person.
Quality Service Travel Quality Service Travel , UFO UFO , What sort of plane is it? Economy or first class? Economy. Smoking or non-smoking? Non-smoking. Cash or credit card? Cash. D'you want a window seat? Sure. Life vest or parachute?
Employment Food Restaurants Service , restaurant , I just got Þred, so I'll wait for my tip outside the front door!
Construction Marriage Safety , finger , I wish you wouldn't talk to me when I'm nailing.
Dating Travel Dating Travel , UFO UFO , You're very quiet! Janet, we've been dating for eight months now... ...And I think we've reached a crossroad in our relationship. I think so, Harold. How do you feel about running away and getting married? I'd love it! Give me a call when you get back.
Restaurants Service insurance , , If you spend over $20, we'll protect your car against vandalism.
Animals Pets Television , dog , Is my portable TV in there again?
Children Health Politics , baby , I don't need her vote. I'm not kissing a kid with measles!
Holidays Leisure Marriage Television , camping , Go and Þnd the nearest town and plug this in.
Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , boyfriend , Mommy had this kitchen custom built.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , arrow arrow , Thanks for seeing me, Doctor. I keep getting a sharp pain in my back. You gotta expect a few aches and pains at your age.... Are you eating plenty of fiber? Every day. I shouldn't worry about it. Take a couple of these for a few days. Thanks, Doc
Grooming Service , barber , Albert hasn't worked here for 15 years.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , book , I can't even pronounce what you've got!
Food Retail , cashier , Is that the last box of Cornflakes?
Health Miscellaneous aliens , , We don't want to abduct this one - he has the flu.
Banks Children Crime , Banking bagpipes , Hand over all the cash or he starts playing.
Animals Television , cage elephant zoo , They look a lot bigger on TV!
Lodging Marriage Safety Lodging Marriage Safety , door door , Open the door. It's only Mother.
Animals Lodging Pets , bed burglar dog , Downstairs ... eight letters ... starts with 'B'.
Animals Food Pets Retail Television , can dog , Can I exchange this for 'Doggo-Chunks?'
Effectiveness Maintenance Quality Service Technology Television , , Drat!
Employment , boss , Yes, Miller, I heard about your promotion.
Leisure Marriage Sports , bicycle dock , Did you see a large woman on a bike go past here?
Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , attick finance , I'm not hiding my money up here.
Restaurants Service , customer , I'll have a table for you, Sir, in just two minutes.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , He was chopping firewood. Listen, Doctor, d'you think you could come here to see him? His back has gone again. I know you don't make house calls, but this is an emergency... We did! We tried for three hours to come to your office this morning. None of the buses would stop!
Children Education Food , baby , What's it gonna be - an ice cream or a university education?
Animals Effectiveness Employment Safety Service , Zoo , I don't know what it is! I just started here.
Effectiveness Mail Quality , Fragile , Keep your left arm straight and remember to follow through.
Animals Leisure Marriage Sports , bed fishing , You said it was getting tired. It's gone to bed!
Animals Pets Service , butler dog , It's just for a few days, Wilkins, until her ladyship gets used to not having the old dog around.
Crime Diet Food Lawyers , accused judge justice , Being on a diet does not give you the right to go beserk in a donut shop.
Dating , Superman , What's wrong? Herman, we've been dating for eight months now... I know you.... you're acting strange. What do you mean, "If anyone finds out about it, you won't get any peace"? I know you've retired.... so what? Why are you unbuttoning your coat?
Health , scale , Perfect! Six feet two inches and 195 lbs.
Construction Effectiveness Marriage , husband , Do you like the new tiles I put up in the bathroom?
Animals Miscellaneous aliens , ducks , We ßew over one of your cities on the way in ... very impressive!
Doctors Health , bed hospital operation , We're having a special on tonsils this week.
Innovation Religion Science Innovation Religion Science , , What are you doing out here? That new friend of yours seems like a pretty smart guy. What was he telling you? I asked him how he crossed the deserts without roads or signposts. How? He said he was guided by a star. Guided by a star! Which one? He didn't say. ...But as soon as one starts moving, I'm gonna follow it.
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage Sports Effectiveness Leisure Marriage Sports , balloon balloon , Shall I throw out another bag of sand?
Food Health Marriage , chicken , D'you feel okay? That chicken was a strange color when I cooked it.
Automobiles Maintenance Service Automobiles Maintenance Service , mechanic mechanic , Can you Þx a ßat?
Doctors Health , book , Here it is, 'Zebra Virus'!
Employment Restaurants Service , boss , Let me explain why I can't give you a pay raise.
Animals Food Marriage Pets , Fish fish gold gold fish , Don't overfeed the Þsh, nag, nag, nag.
Children Science Children Science , , There are just the two of us..... Do you have any kids? Just the four. When Irene and I left university, we decided the planet had more than enough people... We felt no compulsion to reproduce ourselves... I think it's a question of intelligence. I think it's "Natural Selection".
Food Innovation Marriage , cavemen , Why can't you use your imagination and stick a few peas on there?
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict on this crook?
Effectiveness Friendship Leisure Sports Effectiveness Friendship Leisure Sports , , Whaddyer think? It's very humid.... D'you think I should use my six iron? Elevated green.... Maybe a heavy five iron... There's a slight tailwind.... Gotta stay out of that back bunker.... Nope.... I'll use the "Six". Try the "Five".
Automobiles Safety , accident police , What about you! Did you see what happened?
Lodging Miscellaneous Lodging Miscellaneous , door door , Run upstairs and see who it is!
Art Effectiveness Quality , artist , This is 'Moon Over the Ocean', painted basically from memory!
Children Television , , Why can't you watch 'Sesame Street' after I've Þnished watching the news?
Children Effectiveness Marriage , apron , I changed the baby. Now what?
Animals Lodging Pets , chimpanzee monkey , Have you got a room with bars on the windows?
Animals Pets Retail Sales , aardvark fish gold gold fish , If you buy a goldÞsh, I'll throw in the aardvark.
Fashion Retail , jacket , Your shoulders are too small for your waist.
Marriage Retail Sales , engagement ring finance , You're not getting another engagement ring until you've Þnished paying for the other two.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Your pulse is very, very weak!
Employment Military Safety , arrow history , I don't want to be a 'lookout' ANYMORE.
Health Marriage , cigarette , I knew you hadn't quit smoking.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers Quality , , Did you hear what I said? I've got some great news... You're getting a new trial. Who are you? You're not my lawyer! I'm his great-grandson.
Automobiles Children Marriage , child zoo , Mom's in the penguin enclosure at the zoo, waiting for a tow truck.
Children Holidays , bed , Guess what I got you for your birthday.
Food Quality , bottle , Haven't you got that cork out yet?
Children , child , Dad, I need 200 'big-ones'. No questions asked.
Children Dating , child , Don't bother getting me a baby sitter, I have a date.
Lodging Sales Lodging Sales , HOUSE FOR SALE Real Estate HOUSE FOR SALE Real Estate , Three bedrooms, double garage. I like the house, but I'm a little concerned about that airport being so close... What airport? That airport is three miles away! Watch out!
Innovation Science , cavemen history , That's fantastic! I can't keep up with all this modern technology.
Religion , Walking The Water , no CAPTION,, No walking on the Water.
Food Marriage Quality , fly , Watch out! One of your peas is moving.
Effectiveness Food Effectiveness Food , , I hope you're hungry. Good grief! What's this? It's Birch Bark soup. I thought you were going hunting today! I did. I only hit a tree.
Death Marriage accounting , How finance , It's called 'How to Survive on a Widow's Pension.'
Food Restaurants Service , customer , One Caesar's salad, no dressing.
Fashion Quality Retail , Shoes , Do you take trade-ins?
Automobiles Health , bed hospital nurse , I dreamt I was driving down a mountain road and the brakes failed.
Death Ethics Lawyers , beneficiaries , Therefore, I leave my entire fortune to my trusted lawyer.
Newspapers , bench finance , Have you Þnished with the Þnancial section?
Automobiles Maintenance Marriage Safety , car , I thought you were Þnished!
Children Education Effectiveness Science , child , If you're gonna teach him water comes from hydrogen and oxygen, I also want him to know he can get it from the kitchen.
Animals Marriage Pets , bed dog , I thought he was supposed to be a guard dog.
Animals Entertainment Pets Technology , couch dog , Did you say he could listen to my stereo?
Employment advertising , , We were advertising for a 'driver.'
Food Marriage Restaurants , Menu , I don't see anything here for less than a dollar.
Employment accounting , boss finance , If I give you a pay raise, you'll have to start worrying about tax shelters.
Employment Employment , , That's the problem with young people today... We're looking for a young man who knows the value of a dollar.... Understand the value of a dollar? I'm sure I do, Sir. Good man. If I hire you, what sort of salary are you expecting? Six thousand a week.
Children Dating Television , , I told you not to let him watch soap operas.
Animals Children Pets , baby dog , Dad's gonna change the baby. I hope he gets a dog!
Dating , boyfriend , Have you been waiting long?
Grooming Marriage , cane , You need a haircut. It's touching your shoulders.
Entertainment Fashion Marriage Entertainment Fashion Marriage , , You look like you have a problem. I don't know what I'm going to wear at the fancy dress ball. It's supposed to be a nautical theme. Your husband was in the navy... Hasn't he got any ideas? I don't want to talk about him. He told me to wear my gray dress... and go as an aircraft carrier.
Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage , car , The car wash never gets it clean.
Effectiveness Innovation , Calendar cavemen history , I've completely lost track. Is it ONE million B.C. or TWO million B.C.?
Animals Lodging Marriage Pets , bed cat , You'd better let the cat in before he wakes up the street.
Banks , Banking Loans gambling , This won't take long, will it? The Þrst race starts in 20 minutes.
Food Restaurants Service , chef , You'll have to wait for your soup. I can't do everything at once!
Diet Health Marriage food , , I don't think all that organic food is doing you any good!
Lodging Retail Sales Lodging Retail Sales , bathtub bathtub , I think I prefer the blue.
Crime Insurance , agent , I need as much Þre insurance as I can get by next Friday night.
Doctors Health , bottle medicine , That's what it says: 'one tablespoonful, 300 times a day'.
Effectiveness Marriage Travel Effectiveness Marriage Travel , UFO UFO , Are you ready? Will you get a move on... The cab's outside and we were supposed to be at the airport thirty minutes ago! ...I'm almost ready. ...Two minutes ...Thirty seconds Can't you help me find the ironing board?
Children Food Sales , child , Six boxes of cookies for you, and no arguments.
Health Marriage , , I'm not looking forward to it.... You know what men are like. WHen I go home tomorrow, there'll be a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. My husband's not like that. He's very considerate when I'm away. ... Eats right out of the cans.
Lodging Maintenance , fence gardening , I don't know whether to try to weed the lawn or tell everyone it's a vegetable garden.
Art , artist , Can't you keep still?
Employment Friendship Health , bed hospital , That guy who's Þlling in for you at the ofÞce is a real hard worker.
Lodging , fence neighbor , What's the big idea telling my wife you're getting a new dishwasher?
Animals Marriage Pets , dog , Don't be a spoilsport! Guess who it is.
Art Effectiveness Travel Art Effectiveness Travel , UFO UFO , What's she doing? I can find her drugstore without a map! ...Tell her I don't need it. You can wait a few mintues. She's very proud of her maps. I haven't got all day... What's that thing with a lump on it? AFRICA!
Children Dating , , Tell Sandra, lover-boy is here.
Death Doctors Health , bed hospital , Excuse me. The machine is making a funny noise and the little light is going in a straight line.
Crime Retail , Check Out security , Keep an eye on that one.
Friendship Holidays Lodging , bed , Maybe I'd better get going soon.
Lodging Maintenance Safety , bandage , You the guy with the hedge trimmer for sale?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bones , I thought you were gonna clean up this kitchen.
Sales Service , crystal ball fortune teller , I see you giving me a $20 tip!
Effectiveness Employment , Out , Here's a watch, Johnston. Your retirement party was at 2 p.m.
Crime Lawyers , 2193 prison , I've studied your case and I think your best bet is a tunnel!
Animals Pets Television , bed cat , He's chewed through the TV cord again!
Education Miscellaneous Technology aliens , Map , Harry, the Earth isn't the third planet from the sun, is it?
Food Retail , Corn Flakes , There are more than eight cornßakes in there!
Animals Crime Pets , convicts dog , I never did like dogs.
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , , I bought a new dress. My sister said vertical stripes make full-figure girls look slimmer. Anyway, it was a bargain. What d'you think? Needs more stripes.
Children Food Restaurants , child , I hope you haven't got gravy all over your shoes.
Grooming Marriage , Beauty Salon , Good luck.
Employment Ethics , application , Strange how all six of your previous employers left the 'C' out of the word 'excellent.'
Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor medicine , Take two of these with meals but no more than 30 a day.
Crime Government Travel , Customs security , You heard me! Take your hat off.
Dating Service Dating , Cupid Please Wait Here , no CAPTION,, Cupid Dating Service
Effectiveness Lodging Effectiveness Lodging , door security door security , Just a minute, I can't find my keys.
Automobiles Safety Training Automobiles Safety Training , , I'm back. I thought your driver's test was supposed to finish at two o'clock. I had to wait for the examiner to walk back to see if I had passed or not... Walk back from where? You know that steep hill on highway 5... He threw himself out of the car.
Marriage , birthday , What do you want for your birthday, a battery-tester or a set of screwdrivers?
Automobiles Travel , car , Going anywhere near the tropics?
Advertising Employment Restaurants , Famous Pizza , You can't expect me to learn the job in Þve minutes, can you?
Children Holidays , finance grandma , I've Þnished spending that $5 you gave me for Christmas.
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , See what happens when you Þnd them not guilty?
Children , child finance , Dear Diary, the old skinßint forgot my allowance again.
Television , , It must have been that time your brother brought his portable over!
Animals Mail Pets , Stamps cat , How far can I send this cat for 30 dollars?
Effectiveness Employment Training Effectiveness Employment Training , , So you're looking for a career change. What was your last job? I was a trainee... Where? At a large factory... What were you training to be? I never found out! I was only there twelve years and they fired me...
Grooming Marriage , bath , What's my whisk doing in here?
Animals Pets Retail Sales , parrot pigeon , He's half parrot and half homing pigeon. I've sold him ten times!
Marriage , bride , We've got 60 guests and only three pieces of cake!
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , The news is not all bad. What did the judge say? He's gonna give you 200 years. Possible parole... WHEN? After 175 years.
Food Marriage Quality Television , , I'll cook you a nice meal during the next commercial.
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , I gave your sandwich to the wrong customer. Do you still want it?
Health Marriage , accident hospital , You look a lot better.
Animals Pets , bar dog , Now don't mention coming in here when we get home.
Effectiveness Lodging , floor neighbor , Can the guy downstairs borrow some milk?
Employment accounting , accountant , You seem to have the qualiÞcations we're looking for in a bookkeeper.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers Quality Crime Effectiveness Lawyers Quality , , Now take your time.... Is this the man you saw running out of the bank? I'm not sure... He was wearing a paper bag over his face... Stand up and put that bag on your head. Well? That's him.
Employment Service Sports , bag golf , If you don't want to be my caddy, there are plenty of other people who do!
Children Music , chair , Dad's learning to play the guitar.
Automobiles Health , accident hospital , When you hit the other car, you swallowed the air bag.
Maintenance Marriage Technology , needle , Did you Þx my sewing machine?
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , How d'you expect me to plead 'guilty' or 'not guilty' when I haven't heard the evidence?
Lodging Marriage , Apartment For Rent , Do we really need a kitchen?
Crime Lawyers , 291 prison , Let me know if you ever need a good defense lawyer.
Animals Food Service , bird , Can we get some service around here?
Animals Lodging Marriage Pets , chair dog , I told you that was HIS chair!
Animals Pets , bowl cat fishing , Where's that dumb cat?
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , , 1500-word vocabulary. Five on-board computers... Programmed to handle any driving conditions. Automatically adjusts the suspension for road surfaces and load... ....Jump in. Its sensors are now scanning you. ...Takes a few seconds.. EVERYBODY OUT.
Health , bandages hospital , Oh no! I've broken my nail.
Retail Sales , buttons , Are you open for business?
Entertainment Grooming Marriage Entertainment Grooming Marriage , , MONA LISA DON'T CRY FOR ME... ARGENTINA Will you cut that out... I can't hear myself think! I thought you were across the street playing cards! I WAS!
Travel art , , This is one I did on my trip to Australia.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , Shall I back up?
Doctors Health , doctor , Nurse, call an ambulance.
Innovation Military , cavemen indians , Let's hope we never have to use it.
Ethics Friendship Lodging , binoculars neighbor , Can I borrow that magazine you were reading in bed last night?
Miscellaneous Philosophy Religion Retail , The End Near , Can I pay you Friday?
Animals Lodging Marriage Pets , bed dog , He must have heard a noise downstairs!
Animals Quality Retail Sales , Luggage , It's genuine crocodile!
Grooming Health Marriage Grooming Health Marriage , gas mask gas mask , This new night fragrance is called 'Surrender'.
Miscellaneous Travel Miscellaneous Travel , Bus Stop UFO Bus Stop UFO , Why aren't the doors opening?
Dentistry Effectiveness , dentist , Stay there, I got the wrong one.
Effectiveness Government Effectiveness Government , , Excuse me, Sir. Buy me a cup of coffee, Sir? How much is coffee nowadays? About $60.00 a cup, Sir.... Here's three twenties. I love these government types.
Animals Effectiveness Pets Retail , Goldfish Each fish gold gold fish , You'll have to come back later. They're not biting today!
Crime Innovation , boxing glove , Back to the drawing board, smarty-pants!
Effectiveness Food Lodging , basket gardening , I can't Þgure it. These carrot plants are getting smaller!
Automobiles Maintenance Retail Service , Car Wash , If you want the inside cleaned, just leave your windows down.
Service Technology aliens , , If he's your brother, sir, I'm sure I would have remembered him.
Health Marriage , , Yeah... Still married... Anyway... the good news is... I finally quit smoking... Yeah. Fantastic.. Better appetite.. ...Much more energy... Nope.... cold turkey... it's the only way..... sure it's tough. You only quit an hour ago! This is a private converstaion. It's one hour and eleven minutes.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , furnace , I'm still not getting any hot water!
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage Sports , clubs golf , The sink was clogged!
Children Children , MATERNITY MATERNITY , Mr. Smythe... You need another three Teddy Bears.
Animals Food Pets , dog , Stop him! He's got your dinner.
Marriage , fence , Whoever she is, tell your wife she has all my sympathy.
Employment , begging , I've got to ask the boss for a raise tomorrow. How does this look?
Banks , Banking bank , What's the matter with you? I'm looking for my checkbook!
Entertainment Ethics Marriage Entertainment Ethics Marriage , hat hat , He did ask you twice to take it off.
Dating Ethics , boat , I told you on the 'phone we'd be taking my new boat out.
Grooming Retail Sales Grooming Retail Sales , Perfume Perfume , This one turns men into putty!
Crime Lawyers , 2913 , We're having trouble Þnding 12 ex-embezzlers for the jury.
Animals Marriage Pets , coffee dog , Did you tell the dog he couldn't go out tonight?
Automobiles Marriage Safety Travel , husband police , My husband kept telling me to drive faster, OfÞcer.
Food Quality Restaurants Safety , Menu , Have the hamburger on the house. You're the Þrst customer who ever came back!
Marriage , bench , I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as me.
Fashion Service , Hat Check , Don't try to tell me my job! That's No. 37!
Marriage , fence , When I told him it would be nice to have my breakfast in bed once in a while, he told me to sleep in the kitchen.
Automobiles Lodging Safety , accident , Your house is too close to the curb.
Friendship Lodging , bed , Are you sure your kid didn't mind giving up his room?
Effectiveness Health Leisure Sports , , It's nearly nine o'clock! How long does it take you to put on a pair of running shoes? If you want to start jogging with me every day, you're going to have to get ready on time... I could've done two miles by now... Mother wants to come too...
Crime Effectiveness Lodging , Bath burglar , This doesn't look like the bank.
Crime Lawyers , court , Members of the jury, I must ask you to disregard my last remark.
Lodging Lodging , UFO UFO , See it? There it is again! Are you sure? My dear lady... I was in the air force for three years. D'you think I don't know a genuine U.F.O. when I see one! Quick... Get Harry on the phone. It's right over his house. I'm sorry to call so late, Irene. Is Harry there? He can't come to the phone right now... He's up on his roof with a flashlight, trying to fix the T.V. antenna.
Miscellaneous Safety Service , fireman , Since it was a false alarm, I'll just give you one quick squirt.
Advertising Effectiveness Employment , Eat , I Þnally got a day off!
Crime Lawyers , Forger prison , I made us a license plate!
Animals Food Marriage Safety , aquarium shark , I told you not to bring tuna sandwiches in here!
Lodging Maintenance Quality Technology , fence neighbor , You always lend me these old things! Why don't you splurge on an electric trimmer?
Effectiveness Ethics Food Lodging , fence gardening neighbor , It's funny, but I can never get any vegetables to grow along that fence!
Diet Health Lodging Marriage , bed , I remember the good old days when I could see the window!
Effectiveness Innovation Miscellaneous , arrows cowboys indians , They're running short of arrows!
Marriage , bride , If we split up, I want this toaster.
Animals Grooming Pets , bed dog , Can I borrow some of your after-shave?
Animals Lawyers Newspapers , newspaper rat , It says here a laboratory rat got himself a lawyer and is suing the government for $10 million.
Animals Food Restaurants Service , Menu , Don't tell me. Let me guess. You want cheese?
Advertising Quality Technology Television Advertising Quality Technology Television , , Wow! Look at this new color TV they're advertising... Fabulous picture... Look at it.... Looks the same as ours to me... We can't get a picture like that... It's much better than ours...
Animals Health Marriage Pets , bandage fish gold gold fish hospital , See, I told you daddy only had a 'concussion.'
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , swing , I'm Þxing up the room. Her mother's coming to stay with us for a week.
Effectiveness Fashion Marriage Quality , button , I know you don't like messing around with a lot of little buttons.
Effectiveness Employment , boss , Is it my fault if the foreman at my last place started a Þght?
Effectiveness Employment , boss , Let's start again from where I said, 'Sit down!'
Food Restaurants Safety , chili , Who ordered the Þve-star chili?
Animals Dating Animals Dating , ape monkey zoo ape monkey zoo , I wonder what she sees in him!
Death Effectiveness Death Effectiveness , , Help me up. What are you doing? Wherever this arrow falls will be my final resting place... TWANG At least I won't have far to carry you.
Lodging Service Travel Lodging Service Travel , baggage hotel baggage hotel , No, it's not easy putting nine adopted children through college earning 80 bucks a week!
Food Quality Restaurants Service , dice , You heard me! Did I say 'rice' or 'dice'?
Leisure Marriage Sports , net tennis , I'm not playing doubles any more.
Food Quality , child , Guess what happened to those sausages on the way home from the supermarket.
Animals Pets Safety , cane crocodile , Your wife told me you sold your pet crocodile.
Friendship Lodging Maintenance , fence neighbor , You're the Þrst guy who's moved onto this street with a bench saw!
Diet Food Diet Food , , Did you hear that? There's that strange noise again.... I think it's a tiger. It's a yellow-bellied swamp warbler. It's either a tiger or a crocodile. It's a swamp warbler. Don't keep saying that... What makes you so sure it's a yellow-bellied swamp warbler? I had it for lunch.
Leisure Service Sports , clubs golf , Can you Þx them by Saturday? I'm in the Þnals.
Doctors Health , couch psychiatrist , Repeat after me: I am six feet tall.
Fashion Quality Retail Fashion Quality Retail , , It's not like the good old days. You can't buy a good quality suit anymore. Look at this jacket! ... Like a piece of paper. Exactly one year old, and look at it.. Worst twenty-nine bucks I ever spent.
Effectiveness Fashion Innovation , bench , My friend, this simple piece of wire is going to revolutionize the garment industry!
Employment Holidays , Profits , That's the last time I go on vacation.
Grooming Marriage , bath , Have you been using my shaving cream?
Animals Quality Service Travel , baggage hotel , I'm sorry, sir. No dogs allowed in the hotel.
Service , 86537 , I think you're after me!
Diet Food Marriage Diet Food Marriage , dessert dessert , Here, grab this. I didn't have enough money for two Strawberry Delights!
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , book shelf , If you'd told me you had all those books, I would have made it stronger!
Grooming Marriage , Hers , Give me five more seconds, sweetheart.
Ethics Lawyers Ethics Lawyers , , I don't believe this! Who's that on the news? That guy was trapped in an elevator for two hours... They've interviewed his wife and kids, some of the people he works with... and his ex-high school teacher... ...to be followed by a panel of psychiatrists discussing how it will affect him in later life.... He's already working on a book and a movie script... And his new lawyer is suing the elevator company for fifteen million dollars.
Philosophy Travel , UFO , Where's Columbus? He's taking a nap... Get him up... It's urgent... He said he's not to be disturbed. WILL YOU GET HIM OUT OF BED!
Ethics Friendship Leisure Sports , ball golf , There's nothing in the rule book that says I can't stay here.
Children Food Miscellaneous , cabbage , My, my, he looks like his daddy!
Children Safety , axes , Dad, watch me juggle!
Banks Crime , Banking bank , I thought this place closed at six!
Science Travel aliens , , Jupiter, eh? I thought you weren't from around here.
Fashion Restaurants Service , maitre dis , Isn't he the guy you wouldn't let in last week without a tie?
Children Construction Safety , board , Did you thank Grandpa for the tool kit?
Restaurants Service food , , Why didn't you say you didn't want gravy?
Entertainment Friendship Leisure Entertainment Friendship Leisure , , We won't be too late. Harry wants to borrow your lipstick... ...And I'm gonna need your heels again. It's Ladies Night at the track. They both get in half price.
Lodging Marriage Safety , chair , Be careful how you sit in the chair.
Children Safety , chair , Okay, slam the door as soon as I get upstairs.
Animals Pets aliens , dog , I've been down here before! Watch out for the little guy in the fur coat.
Health Marriage , bandages hospital , I hope you won't be like this on Saturday. My sister is coming.
Children Grooming , bathtub , I never said you could use my boat!
Animals Effectiveness Miscellaneous , Apes zoo , Look at his eyes! They're almost human.
Children Education Grooming , bath , Smile, Dad! We need a picture for our biology class.
Friendship Health , bed hospital , It's okay, Ralph. We don't want to see your gallbladder!
Health Marriage , back , I told you not to try touching your toes!
Entertainment , bed neighbor , I hope our party downstairs isn't disturbing you.
Ethics Government Travel , Customs , I didn't bring a suitcase!
Doctors Ethics Health , bed hospital operation , There's a guy in the next ward who wants to buy one of your kidneys.
Employment Service Employment Service , , The King's coming! Griswald, I'm gonna need this dungeon. You'll have to move your torture chamber over to that little room in the east wing. I don't think that place is big enough! How big d'you need it? I gotta have room to stretch my legs...
Doctors Effectiveness Holidays Doctors Effectiveness Holidays , , What's that? My doctor sent us a Christmas card. I'll be back in about ten minutes. Where are you going? I'm taking it down to the pharmacy... I wanna find out what he's written.
Animals Children Pets , cat , He hates it when someone uses his bowl.
Food Retail , Chicken , Have you got a medium-sized hummingbird?
Friendship Leisure Marriage , bar , Your wife's still standing in the doorway.
Crime Ethics Government Travel , Customs , Of course it's empty! I had to hide everything.
Children Children , baby baby , Dad? WAH Just testing.
Miscellaneous Service aliens , Telephone , Operator, how do I make a long-distance call from here?
Animals Leisure Pets Retail , aquarium fish , I need a tropical Þsh to Þt 18 inches by 9 1/2 inches.
Animals Miscellaneous Pets aliens , dog , I can't understand a word he says! Try him in Spanish.
Crime Effectiveness Marriage Travel , 26729 prison , There's a F-I-L-E in the C-A-K-E.
Food Marriage Quality , Cake , Oh, oh! It says, 'Must be eaten before Feb. 1998'.
Dentistry , dentist , Why don't you have a good scream and get it over with.
Crime Lodging Sales Technology , Alarm Company security , If I bought your burglar alarm, it would be the only thing in here worth stealing.
Miscellaneous Sales travel , Ace Brush , Do they have anything like that where you come from?
Children Holidays , attick , Ho, ho, ho.
Diet Food Marriage Retail , Cereals , Whaddyer want, 46 essential vitamins or a free plastic spaceship?
Holidays children , , I have to be in bed at eight, so get there about Þve minutes past.
Government Miscellaneous Politics , cane , I thought it was you, your Majesty. I don't often forget a face.
Fashion Grooming Marriage Fashion Grooming Marriage , , You're wearing odd socks. No, I'm not. What d'you call those? I'm wearing two pair.
Crime Food Retail , butcher , You must be hearing things; my phone wasn't ringing.
Marriage Retail Sales , Gifts , Looking at you, I'd guess your wife doesn't have exceptionally good taste!
Automobiles Marriage , car , How many times have I told you not to start moving till I get my glasses on?
Doctors Grooming Health , doctor , Your head's rejecting your hair transplant!
Effectiveness Food Leisure Effectiveness Food Leisure , fishing fishing , You're getting warmer. This one's "Herring in Tomato Sauce".
Children Innovation aliens , birth child child birth , Don't look at me like that. It's 'evolution'.
Government Politics Government Politics , VOTE FOR VOTE FOR , I'm not just another pretty face. If I'm elected, I intend to slash taxes by 75%. Revitalize..... It's 10 A.M. You're reading the 2 o'clock speech. And.... double old-age pensions... and provide free health care.
Animals Food Holidays Marriage Pets , christmas dog , How come he's got more chicken than me?
Automobiles Marriage , accident , Do you want to drive now?
Children , child , One step closer and I'll soak you to the skin.
Health Marriage , bed , You were sleepwalking again last night.
Children Diet Food , child , He's been Þlling it with food for 47 years!
Animals Miscellaneous , detective police , Not a lot of clues. We only found one footprint.
Children , baby , Come on! You must admit he's 'pushy' for six months old.
Marriage Religion , bride , I'm only charging you half my normal fee.
Friendship Sports , clubs golf , According to my Þgures, I'm 357 and you're 358.
Mail , boomerang , I've mailed this twice and it keeps coming back.
Banks Lodging , Banking bank , You can only get a mortgage if you want to buy a house.
Crime Crime , Mug Shots police Mug Shots police , So far, he's picked out six people who have all mugged him.
Diet Food Quality Restaurants Service , cafe , Soup or juice?
Doctors Grooming Health Safety , bathtub , Call the doctor!
Service Travel , Bus Stop bus , Waiting long?
Effectiveness Retail Safety Sales , security , This is our best security device. Just put a pair of these just inside your door.
Animals Pets Retail , bunny library rabbit , He wants this book on magic.
Marriage Television , neighbor , His wife never lets him watch this show!
Advertising Television Advertising Television , , ...This truly unbelievable offer...... ...Just pick up the phone and we'll send you fifty-two weekly issues of this incredible magazine... and that's not all... We'll also send you this amazing picket camera with the built-in knife sharpener with 500 rolls of film and a set of Japanese kitchen knives.... Plus... You also get a brand new station wagon with a year's supply of gas... ...and a three-bedroom bungalow ... All for $19.95.
Animals Marriage Pets , dog , Watch daddy.
Art Marriage , Book , I don't suppose you remembered to put up my painting?!
Children , child , Be honest! He looks lousy for 56 years old.
Innovation Marriage Science Technology Innovation Marriage Science Technology , , D'you want your dinner in here or in the kitchen?
Entertainment Marriage , Godzilla Meets Frankenstein , We could have ßipped through your family album and saved eight bucks.
Doctors Health , bell , Nurse, let me know when a bell-ringer gets here.
Animals , Zoo Entrance hunting zoo , Where d'you think you're going?
Construction Effectiveness Employment , bricks , Can't you work faster? My arms are killing me.
Doctors Health , medicine , I can never read your doctor's handwriting! What are your symptoms?
Animals Pets , Riding horse , 'Buttercup' recognized your car coming and ran off.
Health doctors Health doctors , hospital operation hospital operation , I said I was sorry!
Animals Children Pets , Bunny rabbits , I keep the door locked. I can't understand how they all got in there!
Health Marriage , bed hospital , Don't talk to me during visiting hours. My wife thinks I'm in a coma.
Food Quality Restaurants , Menu , What shall we call it: ox-tail, vegetable or soup-of-the-day?
Government Newspapers Politics Government Newspapers Politics , , What's new? I thought so... Nothing but politics. I haven't read a newspaper or watched TV for 30 years. You must be very proud. I am at election time... It allows me the luxury of voting with a clear mind.
Effectiveness Travel Effectiveness Travel , UFO UFO , Maybe we should ask someone... What exactly did he say? He said, "Take the King Street off-ramp" "...and just keep heading north" "You can't miss it.
Effectiveness Friendship Quality Sports , clubs golf , No sense buying a good set until I know if I can play.
Marriage Safety , daughter , I'm not worried about her eloping! I'm worried about my new ladder taking the weight!
Effectiveness Food Marriage Quality , box , I made you sandwiches for a whole year.
Dentistry Quality , dentist , Oh darling! Your very Þrst patient.
Animals Pets , dog , He is uncomfortable with strangers.
Children Dating , boyfriend , Sweetheart, this will be your father-in-law.
Music Restaurants Service , Menu , Any requests?
Children Entertainment Leisure , cards , If you've got any money, grab yourself a chair.
Food Health Marriage , bed , Do you feel well enough to cook?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , I'll give you something to ease the pain.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , You've put on weight since you quit smoking!
Food Marriage , axe history , This stew is ruined. You said you'd be home last year!
Doctors Ethics Health , Exray , We'll do a series of x-rays starting with your wallet.
Diet Doctors Food Health , hospital nurse , Whaddya want for lunch?
Friendship Leisure Sports , golf , I don't like the pin placement.
Food Quality Restaurants , chef , I said, hamburger with fries.
Government Sales , clown history , I've got a great new joke, but it's going to cost you extra.
Effectiveness Mail Effectiveness Mail , , Is that the mail? I can't understand this at all.... I got a three-page letter from my sister, Cynthia, saying she's out of the hospital and she's coming to stay with us for the weekend. I didn't know you had a sister Cynthia. Neither did I! She even got my name and address wrong on the envelope!!!
Doctors Effectiveness Health , AENBFCSMDHL , Okay, okay, don't worry about it!
Innovation Science Innovation Science , , I can live with "Knee". What are we gonna call these things? What about "Joe"? No, not "Joe".... What about Moe? ...... Roe..... Soe.... Toe... TOE! I like "Toe". Write it down.
Automobiles Travel Automobiles Travel , officer police officer police , Can't you give me the speeding ticket tomorrow? I'm really in a big hurry.
Dentistry Quality Sales , dentist , These are expensive, but they're guaranteed up to 140 words per minute.
Religion Technology Religion Technology , , Take heed... The Earth will tremble and the day will become as night. Snakes and lizards will fall upon you... What about the weekend? Mostly cloudy, with a fifty percent chance of showers.
Crime Ethics Lawyers Crime Ethics Lawyers , , You say you're a self-employed bank examiner? Will you please tell this court what you were doing on the afternoon in question. Me and "Harry the Horse" went fishing, Your Honor. I think you should remind your witness that he's still under oath.....
Doctors Health , bed hospital , With my luck lately, I'd say your chances are about 50-50.
Banks Health , Banking LOANS , It's very urgent. My doctor says I need expensive surgery right away if I'm to lead a full and productive life. I need $25,000. I can lend you $800. I guess I could get the garage door fixed.
Children , Maternity Ward hospital , Anyone around?
Children Health Safety , acupuncture , Dad, if you don't feel any better, d'you want me to try acupuncture?
Music , cello neighbor , How did you get him to stop playing?
Lodging Service Travel , balcony hotel , We speciÞcally requested a room with a balcony!
Retail accounting Retail accounting , Books finance library Books finance library , Got any books on financial planning for about a dollar?
Leisure Safety , Life Guard , I hope you know your stuff. I'm a very weak swimmer.
Leisure Travel , beach , That lifeguard said, 'Stay out of the shipping lanes.'
Miscellaneous aliens , , He's known about us for years. They've locked him up twice!
Children , boy scout , He tied a knot.
Art Children , artist , D'you want a really good tip?
Health Marriage , bandages , Is that the one who forgot his wedding anniversary?
Marriage Newspapers , husband , What have I done this time?
Fashion Retail Sales , fat lady , It's not my fault we haven't got your size! Try Camping Equipment on the third FLoor.
Ethics , manhole , Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Food Safety , boss , You'll have to move your lunchbox. It's blocking the fire exit.
Dating Science , daughter , If she's a genetic reject, how come I have to chase off all the young guys around here with a stick?
Grooming , Beauty Salon , You look the same as you did when you went in!
Employment , Exit , Is it ten minutes to five already?
Innovation Technology , airplane , If anyone needs me, Joyce, I'll be up on the roof for about 20 minutes.
Health , closet , Remember your blood pressure!
Quality Restaurants food , , Take that back! It tastes like the stuff my wife makes.
Health Innovation , fat lady , 204 lbs. on the left and 189 lbs. on the right.
Food Restaurants , cafeteria , She tries to watch what she eats but her eyes aren't quick enough.
Health Marriage , bandage , I've been at the hospital all day. My wife lost her voice.
Marriage , chains , I want to report a missing husband.
Effectiveness , horse , It's either two guys carrying a canoe or a long horse wearing sneakers.
Leisure Retail Safety , , Listen, kid - if I sold you a pair of roller skates, I'd lay awake nights worrying.
Health , fat lady , That jogging certainly seems to be getting your weight down.
Dating Effectiveness Marriage Technology , Lonely Hearts , That's the sixth time the computer has matched you with your ex-wife.
Quality Restaurants , cook , On second thought, I'll have a coffee to go and the meat pie can stay where it is.
Government Travel , Immigration , It's a blank passport. I'm suffering from amnesia.
Employment , boss , This is the new man, Hawkins. Teach him everything you know, then pick up your severance check.
Health , Drugstore , Contact lens cleaner?
Automobiles Sales , automobile , Runs good.
Doctors Health , doctor , As soon as he starts snoring, slap it on.
Banks , Banking Loans , Your interest starts now.
Entertainment Music , musician , What am I going to do if it rains?
Entertainment Government Travel , Customs , Just the one suitcase.
Children , baby , We named him 'Uncle' after my mum's brother.
Effectiveness Employment , OUT AGAIN OUT AGAIN , NO CAPTION
Diet Health , , It's Happy Hour. Do you want grape or raspberry?
Automobiles Government , bumper , I don't suppose you got the license plate number, did you?
Automobiles Children , Auto Parts , Got a pedal for a '91 Batmobile?
Animals , Gorilla , He must have remembered your banana cake.
Marriage Marriage , friend friend , I'd like to introduce you to my second wife, but I'm still stuck with the first one.
Health Music , Emergency , He was playing the violin.
Sports , Bus Stop , My wife needs it for target practice.
Entertainment , Applause , NO CAPTION
Quality Restaurants , bottle , I'll have to go and get my toolbox from the car.
Music Music Retail , Classical , Joyce, ask Mr. Dennison if he's heard of a composer named Mozart.
Friendship Leisure Lodging , exerciser , Got a pair of scissors?
Miscellaneous Sports aliens , , Pull!
Animals Pets , Carpets , I think he's starting to like that one.
Effectiveness Fashion , Menswear , Waterproof up to 60 fathoms.
Service , fat lady , Whaddya mean, '$1 000 a mile?'
Travel , Next , NEXT GAS? NO CAPTION
Doctors Health Sports , barbell , We found your knees.
Art Food , Artist Supplies , Six eggs, a jar of pickles and a packet of crackers.
Safety Children Travel , Stop , Get ready, Mildred. After the green truck.
Children Dentistry , dentist , Don't tell me this is hurting you more than it's hurting me.
Crime Friendship , 21374 , Can I borrow your hedge trimmers for 18 years?
Health Safety , barbed wire , They've sent for an expert on tropical diseases.
Lodging Quality Restaurants , Hotel , All the people who had the 'fish spaghetti' for lunch want to check out.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'll pass on the top letter and come back to it.
Automobiles Maintenance , Auto Parts , Joyce, what was that thing you bought for your car when it wouldn't start?
Health Marriage , bed , I'm perfectly capable of washing my face, Harold.
Health , pharmacist pharmacy , I'll need a glass of water in 14 seconds.
Doctors Health , , We've decided to lower your chart to keep you on it.
Employment Mail , boss , Mrs. Parker, most of this mail is for you.
Animals Entertainment , zoo , Don't eat peanuts. You're drawing a crowd.
Quality Restaurants , Menu , I strongly recommend the only thing we've got left.
Effectiveness Entertainment Television , camera , After the commercial break, a woman who has spent her entire life making people miserable.
Doctors Health Marriage , doctor , She needs a pair of backseat driving glasses.
Holidays Retail , Greeting Cards , What have you got that's suitable for a 3-year-old? It's my husband's birthday.
Lodging Maintenance , neighbor , Can my wife borrow your snow shovel?
Doctors Health , body cast , How's he sleeping at night?
Health Marriage , husband , That was my mother on the phone. She said she hopes you're feeling worse.
Automobiles Maintenance , Car Wash , I'll have to adjust the brushes.
Food Restaurants , Menu , D'you want slaw with the jelly donut?
Newspapers , husband , For a man with $38 in the bank, you sure spend a lot of time reading the financial page.
Food , fridge , Quick, get a rope. Your brother Reggie's at the front door.
Banks Children , Banking Loans , How do you spell 'Arthur?'
Employment , husband , He's trying to remember what it used to be like before he started to work.
Doctors Health Insurance , bandages , Your medical insurance has run out. You'll have to remove your own bandages.
Retail Sales , Finishing Pistols , NO CAPTION
Service , Come Open , What do you want?
Quality Restaurants food , , These dumplings aren't cooked!
Health Safety , bandages , I'm sorry, Harold, but you shouldn't have crept up behind me like that.
Innovation , beggar , I'm trying to get enough money for a lottery ticket.
Service , Please Take Number , I think I'll try my birthday again.
Food Service , Pizza , Did you want pepperoni on your pizza?
Health Leisure Sports , ball , Don't move.
Animals Mail Pets , , All I can tell you is that it arrived from Africa this morning, and there's something moving inside.
Fashion Quality Retail , Furs , It's recycled imitation rabbit, designed and hand-sewn by disabled widows on fixed incomes.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'm just having a look at your brain X-ray.
Entertainment Insurance Lodging , fat lady , I take it you have the very best medical insurance.
Doctors Health , binoculars , He gets overly excited when he's bird watching.
Ethics Miscellaneous , Phone , I heard you say,'There's some old bat waiting!'
Food Quality , husband , Did those french fries taste like they'd been cooked in furniture polish?
Health Lawyers , Emergency , You say your lawyer bandaged your wrist?
Health Marriage Health Marriage , disease disease , I don't care if you are sick, you can't sit there looking like that all day.
Fashion Marriage Retail , Hats , If she takes that one, I'll pay for it.
Service , Customer Complaints , Your wife's cooking is not covered by the stove's warranty.
Doctors Health Quality , bed , I can't remember! Is the appendix on the left or on the right?
Automobiles Employment , Pizza , You told me I could have the car on Tuesdays.
Animals Pets food , , How come the dog gets lean beef and gravy and I get a cheese sandwich?
Doctors Health , arrows , Drink this, but stand over there by the sink.
Retail Sales , Say With Flowers , Have you got any that just drop dead?
Animals Children Doctors Pets , Vet , Now he's scratching the furniture with his teeth.
Children Health , baby , It wasn't gallstones!
Food Restaurants , boyfriend , If we're each paying for our own, I'll have an order of toast.
Animals Quality Restaurants , restaurant , We don't waste anything here.
Restaurants , All You Can Eat , Battle stations.
Animals Food Pets , dog , Got any calorie-reduced, caffeine-free, non-dairy, low-cholesterol dog biscuits?
Lodging Safety , Apartment For Rent , You promise not to use the balcony.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Take these and phone me right away if they work.
Lodging Marriage , husband , As soon as you're in a good mood, I'll show you the electricity bill.
Retail Safety , Kitchenware , Got any fire extinguishers?
Dating Dating Service , , Gimme a break.
Banks , Banking Loans , You don't remember me, do you? I lent you 50 cents in high school.
Health , husband , They let him come home, but he has to watch his blood pressure.
Doctors Health , doctor , You said your last checkup was in 1947.
Automobiles Retail , Car Rental , Forget a compact.
Advertising Automobiles , Used Cars , NO CAPTION
Service Television , Repairs , Your television was ready to explode before I touched it, Madam.
Automobiles , Showroom , She wants to know why her airbag didn't pop out.
Philosophy Science , Crackers , NO CAPTION
Ethics Science , Clone Research , NO CAPTION
Quality Restaurants , chicken , It's undercooked!
Sales , Going Out Business Sale Real Estate , What about a moat? Do you want to buy a nice moat?
Travel , , Our luggage is in Greece. We might as well go there.
Animals Music Pets , , He wants a pair of cymbals.
Doctors Health , doctor , You've got normal blood pressure but no pulse.
Effectiveness Employment accounting , CEO , I want to see that new bookkeeper who started last Monday.
Animals Science , branch , I know he's your cousin, Maurice, but don't you think he's a little strange?
Doctors Health Safety , Emergency , I think you'd better stay at work for a few days.
Crime Lawyers , 291 , The jury found me not guilty, but the judge pleaded temporary insanity and gave me five years.
Art , birds , He was never that popular in real life.
Animals Pets , boyfriend , This is my oldest hamster, Marvin, from my first marriage.
Music Retail , , This is our beginner's model.
Fashion Retail , Ladies Shoes , She needs something with high heels at the front.
Government Innovation Travel , Immigration , Since when does a migratory bird need a passport?
Automobiles Sales , , If you've got cash, I'll let it go for 30 bucks.
Quality Restaurants food , , What are you talking about, lumpy green coffee? That's your soup!
Innovation Restaurants , Menu , He has trouble reading the menu.
Doctors Health , doctor , I showed him his bill. He wants his gallstones put back in.
Diet Food Health , bed , There are 18 grapes here, Harold, nearly enough for three weeks.
Music Service , Complaints , Are you gonna listen or not?
Marriage Restaurants , Lounge , If it's happy hour, give us separate tables.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , EBACMULSN , Not my right eye, your right eye.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I always make him stand in the corner when he exagerates.
Grooming , Cosmetics , Are you sure you've got enough room in there for bath beads?
Grooming Marriage , husband , When I come back from the beauty parlor, I may want a divorce.
Retail , Accounts , I'd like to wipe out my charge account debt entirely. Where do you want the furniture and appliances?
Effectiveness Health , husband , Albert does most of his own medical work.
Fashion Retail , Menswear , Try the next one.
Restaurants Service , fly paper , Did I get it?
Retail Sales , Trader Furniture , This is our most inexpensive recliner.
Entertainment , Library , She'd like the complete works of someone who didn't write too much.
Automobiles Sales , Used , I think she's decided on the green hatchback across the street.
Friendship , bully , When did I ever bully you at school?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Service , bed , Not the whole bed, nurse, just his mattress.
Food Retail , Fresh Honey , NO CAPTION
Fashion , hat , It feels all right. What does it look like?
Crime Lawyers , , She's charged with obstructing traffic your honor.
Doctors Insurance Lawyers , bandage , With $5 million worth of malpractice insurance, I'm going to sue myself.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Do you want an engagement ring or the $20?
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , My wife won't be here this week. She disappeared with the funiture last week.
Safety , fireman , It's in the kitchen as usual.
Animals Children , Petting Zoo , NO CAPTION
Banks Retail , Banking Loans , Let's see, I need $899 plus 7 percent sales tax, after subtracting a 19 percent sales discount.
accounting , Tax Consultant , Can you get married and find seven dependents by September?
Dating Music , Belmont Apartments , Everybody except 7B close your windows.
Fashion Retail , Socks , Where's the changing room?
Restaurants , Bar Grill , Abandon ship.
Lodging Maintenance , husband , It didn't look like that in the store.
Marriage , bed , I wish you wouldn't put your teeth next to the alarm clock.
Automobiles Sales , Clean , When it was brand-new it cost $750. That's what I'm selling it for.
Effectiveness Retail , Greeting Cards , This one's not doing much for me. What else have you got?
Animals Children , dog , Does anyone need to use the bathroom while we're here?
Marriage Retail , Easy Payments , All her payments are easy. She uses my money.
Automobiles Service , Next Gas Miles , Better give me 2.2 gallons.
Health , Emergency , Where's the men's room?
Automobiles Maintenance , gas station , I ran out of gas! What did you want me to bring, the muffler?
Doctors Health , ABCDEFG , You won't get better odds than that anywhere else.
Crime Government Marriage , Police , I don't need to look at mug shots. It was my wife and her mother.
Employment , Suggestions , I just started here today. I'll come back at the end of the week.
Grooming Lodging , bath , I hope it's not inconvenient. We're your new neighbors.
Effectiveness Marriage Marriage Service , Counselor , Good morning.
Advertising Diet Food Restaurants Service , Water Glass marketing , Look at this ... Mexican Curry for two dollars.
Doctors Health Quality Doctors Health Quality , , When I was six, my parents moved and took my dog with them... television hadn't been invented so I had nothing to do all day..... I married the girl next door.... ..we've still got the first cake she ever baked! I was out of work... I wanted to join the army but there was a war on... Finally got a steady job as a professional picket! What's a six-letter word meaning a small river?
Children Marriage Children Marriage , Banking Banking , Dad, can you lend me a dollar? Why are you always asking for money? When I was your age, I had two jobs! Your mother and I used to save, even after we got married! We made sacrifices, didn't we, honey? A dollar saved is a dollar earned. You have to learn to think ahead for a rainy day. We're overdrawn at the bank again!
Travel , explorer history , It's a guy called Christopher Columbus ... it's okay, he's only staying a couple of hours.
Diet Effectiveness Food , Cooking Mechanics , NO CAPTION, - WOMAN COOKING IN A BOOKSTORE
Effectiveness Sales Service , salesman , Now don't tell me your old vacuum cleaner can do that.
Dating Entertainment Marriage , Now Showing , One seat in the front and one seat in the back.
Animals Sports , boat fishing , Had any luck?
Innovation Technology Innovation Technology , , Hey, come over here. You'll never guess what happens when I rub these sticks together! I've invented fire! D'you realize what this means.... I've been looking for a smart boy like you! Gimme a light!
Crime Government Innovation Travel , Customs , Nothing to declare.
Pets Retail Service , Florist , Why don't you buy it? ... It obviously likes you.
Animals Pets Safety , dog , Try to relax ... he can smell fear.
Innovation Science Technology accounting , Inventions , Come and see what he's invented - a clock that doesn't need electricity.
Effectiveness Farming Innovation Maintenance Marriage , farmer , You know, a brain like yours is wasted cutting weeds.
Miscellaneous , Telephone , Listen, I gotta go. There's a guy waiting to use the phone.
Holidays Leisure Marriage Travel , camping , Will you stop complaining?! You're the one who didn't want separate vacations.
Diet Food Holidays , Thanksgiving Turkeys , I'm giving thanks for hamburger. Give me half a pound.
Doctors Employment Health Restaurants , doctor , Well, if we can't cure it, you can always get a job in a restaurant.
Animals Effectiveness Employment Pets , anvil horse , I thought you said you had experience in this type of work.
Religion , monks , Boy! You sure know how to break a vow of silence.
Animals Food Animals Food , ZOO AFRICA AUSTRALIA ZOO AFRICA AUSTRALIA , How much are your Sea Lions? We don't sell them. What would you say if I bought a camel. I told you; we don't sell the animals. I'll give you ten bucks for a couple of penguins. Why don't you buy yourself a nice dog? I hope you're joking! My wife won't eat that!
Children Music , child , Come along, dear. Grandpa never was very musical.
Effectiveness Food Innovation Retail , Express Items Less , Next.
Children Dating Grooming , child , Whadya mean, you wanna marry my daughter? I thought you were my daughter!
Animals Marriage , Shark Pool pool shark , Herman, I can see perfectly well without a chair to stand on ... Herman!!!
Employment , clock , Have you ever known a day to drag on like this?
Diet Marriage food , , Your mother warned me you'd start complaining about your food.
Animals Farming Pets Animals Farming Pets , , A singing chicken!! Are you putting me on? Whoever heard of a chicken sining "My Way"? She can, I tell you. Come on, Doris... "I've lived a life that's full." I thought so! What? She's forgotten the words!
Effectiveness Leisure Quality , bean bag , Don't sit on the beanbag chair - it's got a split in it.
Grooming Health , bathroom , You're using my athlete's foot ointment.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Service , Out Patients hospital , Go across the square, pass the nurse's residence, up the steps, through the main lobby and second door on your left.
Doctors Ethics Health , cheat sheet , A-B-C-E ... G.
Children Music Training , child violin , Now don't start practicing until Daddy gets down the road a ways, and I'll pick you up in two hours.
Marriage , dummy , I sometimes wonder if you hear one word I say!
Children Sports , baby basketball , Allow me to introduce myself. ... I'm a basketball talent scout.
Automobiles Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage , car , Stop complaining. How often does she get to see a drive-in movie?
Effectiveness Innovation Marriage , alarm , You wouldn't believe the terrible time I have getting him out of bed in the morning.
Animals Marriage PETS Pets Sales Animals Marriage PETS Pets Sales , Parrot Sale Parrot Sale , I want a pet for my birthday. I'm thinking about buying my wife a parrot for her birthday. They start at around $500.00 What about a parakeet? Fifty bucks. You can have a cat for $35.00 Does she like hamsters? I think she's leaning towards goldfish.
Employment Ethics , hangover , I won't be in to work today, my wife's sick!
Doctors Education Health Quality Training , Operating , Er, Doc ... can he have a quick look at your diploma?
Food Marriage Restaurants Food Marriage Restaurants , , Can we go home soon? How come Grannie never wants to do anything? She won't ride a bike! ... Doesn't play baseball! You seem to forget one thing... ...She's eighty-six years old. If she had more exercise, she could have been over a hundred by now!
Animals Pets , hippo hippopotamus , I wish you wouldn't talk about buying a dog when he's listening.
Art Religion , calligraphy monks , Oh no! Is there another word I can use instead of 'verily' that starts with a 'B'?
Entertainment Grooming Music , bathroom , Next door wants 'The Blue Danube.'
Education Sales , house , Do we need a set of encyclopedias?
Animals Pets , chair dog , Has he had his dinner?
Effectiveness Innovation Technology , alaska eskimo , I paid $20 for it and it hasn't rung once!
Animals Pets Safety Animals Pets Safety , , What are you up to? I'm reading the cat's mind. He's thinking about drinking milk! Now he's thinking about mice! SSSSSShhhhh... Just be thankful you were wearing your glasses!
Children Entertainment Leisure Technology Television , , Grannie's leg just fell off!
Education Marriage Safety Sports , accident hockey , How many times have I told you to wear your helmet?
Effectiveness Leisure Safety Service Sports , arrow boat , It says: 'Come in, Number 10, your hour is up'!
Doctors Health Leisure Sports , boat fishing , I thought your doctor told you to get away and RELAX.
Employment Fashion Retail Sales Training , customer , I know it's your first day, but you've got to accept the fact that some customers are just 'lookers.'
Animals Children , Stork , Take it easy with him - his wife just had triplets.
, Menu Menu , What d'you want to eat? What are you having? I'll have the steak! Same for me! Hold it! I think I'd prefer the corned beef. Okay... I'll have that! Maybe I'll try the fried chicken! Me too. That Dover sole looks good... WHY CAN'T YOU EVER MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!
Animals Pets Training , bone , Why don't you wear long socks 'til he learns to tell the difference between your leg and a bone?
Death Doctors Health , Laboratory , Okay ... here're the results of your medical.
Children Education , school , I'll never forget the time you strapped me for talking in class.
Food Maintenance Food Maintenance , breakfast breakfast , This toaster's gotta go back to the store!
Fashion Retail , rain unbrella , Can you remember where I bought this suit?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , Exercise doctor Exercise doctor , Let me put it this way ... for your weight you should be thirty-seven feet tall.
Animals Marriage Animals Marriage , , What's the biggest animal in the world? Including or excluding your sister? If you could be an animal, which one would you be? An ostrich. Don't they bury their head or something? Only the married ones! What's so smart about that? The sand runs in their ears and it's PEACEFUL!
Health Sports Health Sports , Champ Exercise jogging running Champ Exercise jogging running , Two weeks of jogging and so far he's made it to the front door.
Animals Effectiveness Lodging Marriage Animals Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , , Squeak squeak I heard a funny noise! I definitely heard a weird noise. Go to sleep. It's a mouse. Don't be ridiculous! A mouse wouldn't make that racket. If that's a mouse it's as big as an elephant! You'd say anything to avoid getting out of bed. SATISFIED?
Health Television Health Television , Exercise Exercise , Don't go too far tonight - you'll miss 'Seinfeld.'
Animals Sports Animals Sports , boat fishing boat fishing , You'd better get a good grip on that net, Herman.
Animals Food Marriage , ape camping , Quit arguing and give him the can opener.
Maintenance Pets Television Maintenance Pets Television , , I'll give you two clues ... the cat's missing and we get an animal show on every channel.
Maintenance , , Imagine those crooks wanting eleven bucks to fix this!
Diet Health , bathroom , Whaddya mean the pointer-arm's broken off!
Food Quality Restaurants Food Quality Restaurants , cook cook , I recommend the ketchup.
Children Food , child , Why don't you throw it at the one who cooks it?
Leisure , camping , It's always the same when we go camping ... wakes up and can't remember where he is.
Crime Leisure , cop drinking party , I don't care if you did miss the last bus. ... GET OFF.
Sports Sports , camel golf camel golf , I told you it was a big sand-trap.
Automobiles Automobiles , automobile automobile , Take your foot off the stupid brake!
Food Food , , NO CAPTION, EGGS EXTRA LARGE
Military Military , crocodile crocodile , Okay, we need volunteers to play 'Beat the Croc.'
Sports Sports , boxing boxing , Nice work, George. You've injured his right arm.
Maintenance Television , , This self-adjusting set is giving me the creeps!
Entertainment Marriage Television Entertainment Marriage Television , , What are we going to do today? How come you never take me out? D'you wanna go to the zoo? It's too windy. Besides, I haven't had my hair done. What about a walk? You know my feet swell up! Would you like to see a movie? I'm not lining up! Anyway, there's nothing worth seeing. Apart from that, I haven't got anything to wear. Where did you put the T.V. Guide?
Employment Military Training Employment Military Training , Communication Mistakes canon Communication Mistakes canon , No, no, no! Two is load ... THREE is fire!
Fashion Fashion , clothing clothing , Imagine if I walked around dressed like that!
, birthday birthday , If she has one more birthday, this whole place is gonna go up!
Maintenance Maintenance , cleaner cleaner , The museum does not require you to wash the 5,000 year old jugs, Agnes.
Animals Sports Animals Sports , clubs snakes clubs snakes , Mind if we play through?
Grooming Leisure Marriage , bath , How about a 10 minute 'shore-leave' to take out the garbage?
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , , Don't forget, we're going over to see my sister. Why don't you ever wear that lovely hat I bought for your birthday? Put it on. ...Makes you look distinguished. Makes me look like a CLOWN! Don't be so ridiculous! It doesn't make you look like a clown at all. I wish you wouldn't be so obstinate. Is the circus back in town?
Sales Sales , brushes brushes , If we don't need any brushes, you come and tell this guy!
Maintenance Safety Maintenance Safety , bucket bucket , I appreciate you've got a wife and six kids but you can't wash apartment windows in that rig.
Dentistry , dentist , I just spent $8,000 having this room soundproofed.
Animals Food Marriage Quality Animals Food Marriage Quality , , I hope you're not hungry! What's today's problem? I made you a meat pie and the dog ate it... Too bad I spent hours over a hot stove, cooking for you. Right! Is that all you can say? I'll miss the dog.
Effectiveness Military Travel Effectiveness Military Travel , captain ship captain ship , Will you quit shouting 'land on the starboard beam,' while we're in port!
Children Children , cards gambling poker cards gambling poker , Isn't it time he went to bed?
Children , child , Okay that's it ... that's the last time he watches a martial arts movie.
Children Leisure Children Leisure , father laziness lazy father laziness lazy , When everyone is supposed to be conserving energy ... you're certainly doing your bit.
Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage Quality Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage Quality , , I'm working on a magic act! You should! You disappear every time I want something done! Take any card.... Don't show it to me. Er.... Three of Clubs! Seven of Hearts. Okay, take another one. I'm trying to read! -I'll do one more trick, then that's it. Fair enough! Get in the box.
, breakfast breakfast , How do you want your eggs ... black or dark brown?
Crime Crime , burglar burglar , Just half your money ... I got an arrangement with the guy in the next bush!
Pets Pets , dog dog , It's done wonders for his self-confidence since we had his teeth capped.
Crime Crime , jail punishment jail punishment , He's doing two week's 'solitary'!
Marriage Marriage , dryer dryer , Herman's so considerate when I'm sick. ... He dragged the washer and dryer up to the bedroom.
Maintenance Maintenance , elevator elevator , Forgive the intrusion, but I wonder if you'd mind telling the janitor the elevator's stuck?
Automobiles Ethics Sales Automobiles Ethics Sales , For Sale cars used used cars For Sale cars used used cars , That's in case you lose your door key.
Animals Food Animals Food , bench bench , NO CAPTION, MAN EATING LUNCH ON BENCH WITH BIRDS WATCHING
doctors doctors , hospitals surgery hospitals surgery , What was that?
Philosophy Philosophy , change jolly roger change jolly roger , What are the chances of me becoming a pirate?
Automobiles Maintenance Automobiles Maintenance , car repairs car repairs , Will that do?
Crime Crime , dungeon prison dungeon prison , What are the chances of time off for good behavior?
Health , bound smoking , Don't take any notice. ... He's trying to quit smoking.
Education Effectiveness Marriage Education Effectiveness Marriage , , Women are much smarter than men! That's dumb. If women are smarter than men, ...what's the capital of Spain? Portugal. Who painted the 'Mona Lisa'? Rembrandt. Who... was the first U.S. President? LINCOLN! Three lucky guesses.
Crime , execution punishment , Nice try!
, acupuncture acupuncture , They've cured my arthritis!
Education Marriage Education Marriage , , You haven't got a sense of humor! I married YOU didn't I? My great-grandfather had twenty-six children! Good for him. Grandpa had fourteen girls and eleven boys. My great-great Uncle Bill fought with Napolean. This is so interesting! I've discovered over 5,000 relatives! I don't want them all around here.
Children Ethics Children Ethics , accident accident , Father, I cannot tell a lie. ... George Washington did it.
Innovation Technology Innovation Technology , Patent Office invention patents wheel Patent Office invention patents wheel , NO CAPTION,, Patent Office, CAVEMAN WHEEL
Children Children , child child , Why did you ruin the tiger trap he made?
Technology , Communication desert island , Testing ... testing ... one, two, three.
Animals Safety Animals Safety , archaeologist archaeologist , I don't know what species it is, but my instincts tell me that we should be about forty miles away when it hatches.
Art Effectiveness Lodging Marriage Art Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , , You're the expert.. Where d'you want this picture? There? Too high. Too high. How about there? Up more. There? Too high again. There? Now it's too low. How about THERE?
Holidays Service Travel , costume , I can't get a cab - we'll have to take the bus!
Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage , , It's time you had a night out! D'you want to go to a movie or go bowling? You know I don't like bowling. Okay, d'you want to go see "Love in Springtime" or "Poncho Rides Again"? "Love in Springtime". What are you looking like that for? You KNOW I wanted to see that cowboy movie!
Children Children , Tales Tales , Get to sleep! What about my bedtime story? This is the story of the three bears... I've heard it! Okay... Little Red Riding Hood... Not again!! Jack and the Beanstalk? No? D'you know the one about the three old ladies and the elephant?
Doctors Health , chart , I really look forward to your cheery little visits.
Diet Food Innovation Technology Television , dinner , This TV dinner's got wires in it!
Advertising Diet Food Restaurants , africa , Me and the boys were trying to guess how you spell your name.
Art Marriage Art Marriage , , I'm not having that junk on my wall. Why don't you paint some nice ducks? DUCKS! For the bedroom.. I tried ducks once.... You said it looked like two coffee pots doing the breast stroke! This is 'abstract' art. You don't tell people what it's supposed to be.... ..Then they can't say it doesn't look like it!
Art Construction Employment Religion , bishop , Hey, Michelangelo ... I thought I said two coats of oyster white for the ceiling.
Animals Effectiveness Travel , carrot donkey , He's allergic to carrots.
Leisure Maintenance Marriage , husband , One more 'OlŽ!' and you can cut the grass yourself.
Animals Leisure Safety Sports , dock fishing , NO CAPTION, - MAN FISHING OFF A DOCK
Dentistry Health , Phil McCavity , I'll come back later when you're not busy.
Entertainment Marriage Safety , giant , He's kicking my seat again. I thought you were going to say something?
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , court , Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Fashion Quality Retail Sales , salesman , I may as well tell you, that's the last one we've got in your size.
Holidays Retail accounting , Christmas cavemen , I make it three million shopping days to Christmas.
Philosophy Religion , mountain , My 'secrets of life' are now available on CD for only $26.95.
Ethics Safety construction , , Sorry!
Marriage Safety Sports , fight , Just you start something. My husband's a karate expert.
Children Effectiveness Innovation Science , apple , Listen, if we get this right, we'll be famous.
Marriage , plants , Did you forget to water my plants while I was away?
Animals Farming , chickens , Well, now we know what all that squawking was about last night.
Miscellaneous Science , dinosaur , Two hundred million years ago, it ate insects.
Marriage Sales Marriage Sales , DING DONG DING DONG , We always get visitors when we're eating! There's a guy at the door selling cookware. Tell him we don't need any. I did, but he won't go away. Just say "no thanks" and close the door. Stand aside, I'll soon fix him. Your lunch is getting cold. How much were they?
Mail Marriage , divorce , Would it help any if I started sending your alimony weekly?
Miscellaneous Retail Service , Chain Saws , Couldn't resist, could you?
Lodging Marriage , Estate Real Real Estate castle , Take your boots off. I just scrubbed the floor.
Employment Entertainment , Marvo canon , There's nothing in my contract about picking up your lunch order on the way back here.
Children Education Marriage , child , If you help him with his homework, at least we won't have to worry about college fees.
Innovation Science Technology , experiment , I told him he needed more feathers.
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage Technology , dryer , Why can't you dry your feet with a towel like everybody else?
Health Marriage , hospital , Is there anything you need before I go?
Food Marriage , candle , I thought while I was getting the fuses, I'd pick up a few groceries.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage Quality Lodging Maintenance Marriage Quality , , Are you gonna sit around all afternoon? The sink's blocked again and the toaster caught fire! And that back door is still squeaking! I'm always doing things around here! Name ONE Who fixed the fuses?
Marriage Sales , husband , I think I'll sell all my jewelry. I need the five dollars.
Food Restaurants Service , dessert , It's the cook's coffee-break, so eat your dessert first.
Marriage Television , , MISSED!
Maintenance Marriage Safety Technology , electricity , I plugged it in to see if you'd fixed it.
Fashion Lodging Retail Fashion Lodging Retail , WALLPAPER SALE WALLPAPER SALE , We want something tasteful for our living room. Have you got any wallpaper... with rabbits? ... playing banjos and trumpets? Nothing at all like that! What about elephants on a purple background?... pulling up trees? Do you like flowers? You can imagine what HIS house looks like!
Holidays Marriage Retail , Merry Christmas , What would you give someone who's giving you a bowling ball?
Grooming Innovation Marriage , bathroom , I thought you said you were coming home next Sunday.
Animals Pets , Bruno , He's due for his annual shots.
Grooming Marriage , bath , Try to guess who this is for ...
Holidays Lodging Music , giant , I know it's three o'clock in the morning but I wanted to tell you how much I'm enjoying the singing.
fashion , , I can always tell when they're wearing 'elevator shoes.'
Ethics Service Television , , Just as I thought ... you need a new picture tube!
Innovation Technology , elevator , It'll take you a couple of days to get used to these express elevators.
Effectiveness Health Marriage , , What are you groaning about? You didn't think I could do it, did you? Anyone can quit smoking. - It just takes willpower. My nerves are shot to pieces but I'm gonna have in there. How long has it been now? Eleven minutes.
Diet Food Marriage , , Watch out ... the plate's hot.
Effectiveness Health Military , Longs cigarettes , Is that your idea of cutting down to two cigarettes a day?
Food Retail , cart , Going up the Amazon?
Crime Effectiveness Holidays Marriage , bunks , Last Christmas, I asked my wife to smuggle a file into the prison.
Animals Entertainment Pets Sports Television , fish , I don't care how much he likes Flipper, I wanna watch baseball.
Art Sales , Sold , If I think it's going to a good home, you can have it for twelve bucks.
Lodging , bench , Keep in mind you're a guest on this bench.
Leisure Sports Training , instructor skiing , Okay, Class ... name four things he did wrong.
Children Holidays Marriage , child , Don't look at me like that. He chose it!
Animals Food Pets Sales , bird parrot , Well, someone phoned in an order for five pounds of peanuts.
Health Marriage Television , , If you're gonna do yoga every night, I want my own TV.
Employment Ethics Leisure Sports , boss fishing , I know you're in bed with the flu, but I need the keys to the filing cabinet.
Advertising Sales , crystal ball , We'll take a brief pause for this important commercial message.
Children Marriage Sports Children Marriage Sports , , Hi Granpa. Grannie said you used to be a fighter. How many fights did you have? Over a hundred... I was only knocked out twice! How many did you win? Five. FIVE! ... How come only five? She's a lot faster than she looks!
Diet Doctors Health Diet Doctors Health , doctor doctor , We'll take you off the vitamins for a couple of days.
Innovation Innovation , cavemen cavemen , D'ya ever feel you're on the verge of an incredible breakthrough?
, Going Out Business Sale Going Out Business Sale , NO CAPTION, GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE RUNNING OUT OF MONEY CUSTOMER
Children Education map world globe , Children Education map world globe , Columbus, will you sit down and stop asking all these dumb questions?
Effectiveness Friendship Grooming Quality Effectiveness Friendship Grooming Quality , , Long time no see, Bert. That your own hair? Boy, you've got your nerve. I don't believe this guy. IS THAT MY NAME IN THERE OR NOT?
Employment Marriage Employment Marriage , Exercise galley Exercise galley , First weekend off in 10 years and she wants to go canoeing!
Sports , crowd , NO CAPTION, GOLFER
Innovation Innovation , caveman cavemen caveman cavemen , Now what? There's nothing left to invent.
Employment Health Employment Health , Mistakes accident Mistakes accident , I think I'm gonna need to take a couple of sick days!
Grooming Marriage Grooming Marriage , Beauty Salon Beauty Salon , That's not me, you idiot!
Effectiveness Marriage Science Effectiveness Marriage Science , , Dinner. Your dinner's ready. Are you deaf? Did you hear me?... Your dinner's getting cold. How many times do I have to shout? DINNER Do you enjoy ignoring me?
Dentistry Dentistry , chair chair , NO CAPTION, DENTIST DOING STRENGTH EXERCISES
Animals Pets Animals Pets , Please Close The Gate Please Close The Gate , He's not allowed out so I bought him a trampoline.
Employment Sports , accident , Tomorrow morning I want to see you in my office.
Doctors Employment , accident , Your boss says you can have the rest of the afternoon off.
Friendship Grooming , bald hair toupee , You spotted it, eh?
Sports , elephant , You can't claim a world record unless it sticks in the grass.
Diet Doctors Health Diet Doctors Health , doctor doctor , You've got what we call 'heavy blood.'
Friendship Government Marriage Travel Friendship Government Marriage Travel , Customs Gate Customs Gate , ANYTHING TO DECLARE? You old rascal! It must be 15 years, George. Remember when we used to double-date? Who would have thought when I introduced you to Doreen... ...that you two would have got married. OPEN YOUR BAG.
Fashion Grooming Fashion Grooming , burn burn , I can't explain now, but don't take your jacket off at work.
food , , Here you go, 'Instant Leftovers.'
Automobiles Children , Banking car toys , You're getting your knocks early, Ralphy. ... Your car's being recalled.
Innovation Technology , The Moon Bust , Now whatever happens, hang on to those sandwiches!
Effectiveness Friendship Innovation Safety Effectiveness Friendship Innovation Safety , THE CLIFFS THE CLIFFS , I've spent years perfecting these wings. One small step for man, etc., ect.... ...you'll soar like an eagle. ...float like a butterfly See you down at the bottom..
Construction Grooming Lodging Maintenance , bathtub housing , You MUST have overfilled it!
Children Friendship Music , child , Five bucks if you start practicing your violin.
Marriage Marriage , Gambling Poker card game Gambling Poker card game , What's my new sewing machine doing in the middle of your poker game?
Innovation Television Innovation Television , , This model comes with shoulder straps for camping trips.
Food Pets Food Food Pets Food , Sea Sea , NO CAPTION, FRESH CRAB
Diet Effectiveness Food Restaurants , Bus Stop , Buy me a cup of coffee, lady? Can you spare some change for a cup of coffee? Hey Chief... how about buying me a coffee? Can you spare a quarter for a cup of coffee, sweetheart? Gimme eighty-five cups of coffee, Joyce.
Crime , convicts , Don't laugh, my wife thinks I'm in South America with two million bucks.
Holidays Travel , airport , All I said was, 'Open your suitcase'.
Automobiles Travel , Gas , I think we're in trouble. He doesn't even know what a car is!
Crime Lawyers , Top Security , I told him he was allowed one phone call and he called dial-a-joke!
Miscellaneous , , Hey, are you a man or a woman?
Marriage Marriage , Licenses , Before you start the wisecracks, it's for my granddaughter.
Fashion Retail , boots , No, I don't think so. I haven't got a pilot's license.
Employment , boss , First things first. Get your stomach off my desk.
Food Marriage , cliff , Are you going to drink this coffee or shall I throw it away?
Employment , assistant , As I was saying, this company offers excellent retirement benefits.
Banks , Banking bank , You mean you expect this bank to lend you two hundred dollars and you only have $18 in your account?
Lodging Maintenance , Real Estate plant , GET OFF MY LAND!
Children Health , child , Are you sure there wasn't a full moon last night?
Effectiveness Health Innovation , Stop Smoking Kit , Think it'll work?
Lodging Maintenance , floor , Don't go through there, I've just painted the floor.
Doctors Health , Prescriptions , Did you say one or two a day?
Lodging Marriage , baseball bat , Thanks for the ladder, Harry ... Hey, have a look through the downstairs window and see if you can see her hiding behind the front door.
Effectiveness , columbus , Exchanging beads for gold is a fantastic idea. We'll go and get our beads.
Quality Restaurants , coffee shop , I haven't tasted a donut like this since the Korean War.
Diet Doctors , doctor , If you took my advice you'd throw away those bathroom scales.
Innovation Technology , invention , Gentlemen, we're gonna have the FIrst electric shaver with AM-FM stereo!
Children , child , Gimme five bucks. I'm saving up to get married.
Effectiveness Retail , book , How much is this book on speed reading?
Advertising Retail , Antique Sale , The oldest thing in there was the woman selling tickets.
Lodging Marriage , bed , What's the point in having a waterbed if we're going to have this performance every night?
Animals Pets , octopus , He loves a cup of tea.
Effectiveness , cowboy , He's not fast but he's accurate.
Marriage Television , , The Six Million Dollar Man being watched by the buck eighty-five lay-about!
Art Marriage Quality , artist , The art teacher told us not to get disheartened if our first portrait looked like a hippopotamus with a hat on.
Travel , Cab , Bermuda triangle.
Leisure Travel , beach , I thought the sun had gone in!
Fashion Marriage , dress , It's me. I'm changing my image.
Maintenance Marriage , bills , Just a couple of bills!
Food Marriage , husband , Don't tell me your mother's coming here for dinner!
Food Marriage , breakfast , It's gonna be one of those days, is it?
Employment , boss , You can't fire me, Bradley! You have to SELL slaves.
Effectiveness Employment , boss , Let me guess! You're our new security guard.
Marriage Military , army , Your wife phoned. She said if you want toast for breakfast, bring home a loaf of bread!
Crime Crime , accused accused , What if everyone went around pouring catsup over their mother-in-law?
Doctors , doctor , Does that hurt?
Employment Holidays , boss , That's the fifth time you've wished me a Merry Christmas; what are you up to?
Children Holidays , child , Okay, cut out the creeping around. What have I got?
Ethics Restaurants , menu , You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
Holidays Retail , plant , That is not a Christmas tree, that is a Christmas plant.
Marriage , husband , If I didn't have all my faults, I wouldn't have had to marry a creep like you.
Fashion Grooming , Hippy , HIPPY!
Maintenance , indians , Do you ever get static cling?
Holidays Leisure Travel , beach , Here, you wanted a shark's-tooth necklace. Dig those outa my leg.
Lodging Marriage , husband , Oh, it's you! I thought it was a burglar.
Insurance Sales , salesman , What's the first thing comes into your head when I say 'fire insurance'?
Food , bread , Bread dough or not ... you'd better go and get my gun.
Fashion Retail , boots , Plain black! Hey that's groovy man ... plain black boots!
Maintenance , bucket , I'll count to three, then I'm gonna use the sink.
Health Restaurants , menu , Anyway, when they opened me up, they said they'd never seen a gallbladder as bad. Remember my kidneys last year?
Miscellaneous Travel , couch , Make sure you stop a car with a roof-rack.
Quality , husband , Don't tell me that's not the best speech I've ever written.
Maintenance Marriage , arm wrestling , I'm getting sick of this arm wrestling to see who does the dishes.
Employment Holidays , , Have a good vacation, Wilson?
Employment , desk , I see on your applicaton that you used to be a termite inspector.
Employment Innovation Service , butler , Have you been at my sherry again, Wilkins?
Safety , Bus Stop help , NO CAPTION
Science , cactus , Take your time, Murphy. You can't miss.
Animals Children , baby , These TV commercials are getting ridiculous!
Lodging Maintenance , hammer , What was all that screaming outside?
Health , husband , Your mother went jogging and got a ticket for 'malicious damage' to the sidewalk.
Crime , chain , Someone's stolen my bicycle!
Miscellaneous Quality , , Would you say you are, 'extremely happy,' 'happy', 'average' or 'bored stiff'?
Effectiveness Television , , There's a 200-foot monster outside and he tells her to bolt the door.
Animals Children Pets , child , He's the equivalent of 49 years old, but he's not intelligent enough to get crabby!
Food Quality , husband , Can you eat turkey leftovers again?
Health Technology , fat lady , You're not gonna believe it - there's an elephant coming.
Doctors Ethics , doctor , Why don't I recommend a plastic surgeon to do something about that nose?
Health Insurance , , Surely you must know if you have health insurance...
Marriage , frog , Nothing your mother does surprises me anymore.
Health Marriage , birth certificate , I found your birth certificate in the attic. You're not 54, you're 91.
Miscellaneous , , Don't forget to put his watch ahead two hours. We forgot that last time.
Marriage , bed , I haven't forgotten what you said to me last month.
Innovation Technology , aboriginie , One-two-three-THROW, four-five-six-DUCK.
Animals Pets , ABC , Wake up, Dad.
Animals Fashion , bananas , I told you not to wear that dumb hat.
Children Dating Entertainment , boyfriend , Will you buzz off!
Crime Lawyers , accused , Can you account for your whereabouts in January 1927?
Effectiveness Innovation Leisure Sports , ball , I'm gonna use this ball. I keep losing the other ones.
, cooking prison , I made you a nice fruitcake, but the guard said it could be used as an offensive weapon.
Art , , Got any books with nice, big, colored pictures in them, suitable for framing?
Leisure Sports , , How come you don't go fishing anymore?
Retail Sales Service , Pipes , This may be out of your price range. It's $2.
Friendship Politics Safety , Save The Whale , I never said a word. He said it!
Effectiveness Service , king , Why don't you listen? I said bring me a WENCH.
Children Food , child , He's put gravy in his water pistol.
Children , child , Dad, lend me $5,000 and I promise I'll clean my room for a whole week.
Maintenance Marriage , dishes , One small step for women's lib, one giant leap toward divorce.
Military Sports , armour , If you fall off your horse, run like mad.
Food Maintenance , bed , I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in bed.
Marriage , chair , Get back! You're not leaving this house with my credit cards.
Effectiveness Health , chair , You got down there to do sit-ups and fell asleep.
Food , bench , I don't suppose you've got a bottle of Thousand Island salad dressing in your pocket, do you?
Retail Sales Technology , clocks , That's in case you're in the kitchen.
Children Service , boy scout , Call this toll-free number if you want to cross the street.
Children Marriage , aunt , Auntie's turn.
Retail , Hardware , What's the best nail for hanging a coat on?
Food Quality , cannibals , Forget it. I'm never gonna get THAT hungry.
Food , glass , Cold lunch today ... I'm going out.
Effectiveness Technology , bag , We can compress a year's garbage, but the trick is to get a two-ton bag down the driveway.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bed , If we can break up the kidney stones, we don't have to operate.
Lodging Music , guitar , D'you think you could play a little louder? I keep falling asleep.
Quality Restaurants food , , Grab your bread roll. It's in my pocket.
Children Crime , 2194 , It's a set of screwdrivers.
Automobiles Government , policeman , My foot got stuck in the cassette player.
, husband , I couldn't get an extension cord.
Food Restaurants , menu , What are the frog's legs made of?
Military Technology Military Technology , signals signals , They're signaling us ... it says, 'Keep the noise down'.
Employment , boss , I'd expect it from the younger generation, but asking for more money at your age is absolutely inexcusable.
Quality Retail Service , door , Are you the guy who sold me this burglar-proof lock?
Training Training , bicycle bicycle , As soon as he's figured out the steering, he's buying a bike.
Crime Employment , 2750 , I told your boss you were going camping for 12 years.
Innovation , feet , Why can't you dry your feet with a towel like everybody else.
Fashion Marriage , fence , Things sure have changed in the past 25 years.
Employment Marriage Military , arrows , I won't ask how your day was.
Lodging , Ace Movers , Your new next-door neighbor just backed over your china cabinet.
Food Quality Restaurants , cafe , Want mashed potatoes?
, , Eleven and three-quarters.
Effectiveness , duel , You told him to choose the weapons ... so he chose them.
Marriage Religion , bride , We rehearsed all this, Mr. Blunt. You're supposed to kiss the bride.
Marriage Religion , bride , We'll do it later. She's in one of her moods.
Government Travel , Immigration , I'm second from the left, back row.
Travel , Buzz Off , Charles ... can I drop you somewhere?
Entertainment , chicken suit , We don't usually wear fancy dress for Company dinner parties, Watson.
Children Education , Name Miss , Okay, which wise guy said 'Missing Link'?
Animals Food Innovation Pets Quality , Pie Baking Contest bird cage , Hey Ethel ... I think the cat's joined the fire brigade.
Entertainment Health , Waiting Room , Seen any good movies lately?
Effectiveness Safety , fence , I was throwing it at a hornet.
Automobiles Effectiveness , Wishing Wells , Don't forget: four doors, dark blue, power steering.
Politics Television , Mom , Do you think we'll be on TV?
Animals Pets Retail , , I'll need a long leash. We live on the ninth floor.
Marriage Philosophy Politics , dishes , According to this quiz, you're a 'male chauvinist pig'.
Children Education , child , They don't give us time to learn anything in school; we have to listen to the teacher all day.
Sports , boxer , Nine and three-quarters ... nine and seven-eighths ...
Automobiles Sales , 000 , I liked the way you kicked that tire. Very few of these young kids today understand the finer points of a quality vehicle.
Automobiles Effectiveness , Car Rental , I only got halfway there and it ran out of gas!
Automobiles Sales , New Town Car 1977 , Whaddyer want, size or economy?
Leisure Marriage , husband , Herman ... I'm gonna make a mistake now so you can have a go.
Marriage , friend , Looks are not everything. She can't cook either.
Animals Food , hunters , I can't eat fast food.
Marriage Religion , bride , ... to have and to hold ...
Employment , arrow , I like a man who knows where he's going.
Children , bed , MOTHER GOOSE WAR AND PEACE NO CAPTION
Quality Restaurants food , , We've got a new chef. Use lots of ketchup.
Effectiveness Food , beans , How do you stop the beans from sliding into the toaster?
Leisure Sports , ball , Herman, I've never known a guy like you for hitting them in the lake.
Automobiles Lodging Maintenance , automobile , I told you we should have had the driveway paved.
Marriage , daughter , If you're gonna miss your mother so much when you get married, take her with you.
Grooming Leisure Sports , bathroom , You'll have to practice somewhere else ... I want a shower.
Restaurants , cafe , When I said I wanted a large milk, I meant I wanted a drink, not take a bath.
Fashion Retail Sales , fat lady , Let's face it, madame. Every swimsuit in this store is going to be a bikini for you.
Lodging , curtains , I'm sure if you asked them politely they'd postpone moving their furniture 'til we've finished eating.
Leisure Sports , golf , Any twit can win a hole with 22 lucky shots.
Effectiveness Marriage , baseball , That's not going to stop me from snoring.
Dating , boyfriend , If there was another man in my life, do you honestly think I'd be sitting here?
Banks Diet , Bank Manager Banking , Yes, I think I'll put you on a vegetable diet for a couple of months.
Doctors Health , Emergency , Is this the 54-year-old limbo dancer?
Crime Sales , diamond , I know $57 is a lot of money but diamonds are forever!
Health Marriage , bandages , We're both a lot better since the doctor gave me something for my nerves.
Leisure Sports , raquet , Two sets to love is not the end of the world, you know!
Food Pets , aquarium , Can't you cook yourself something when I'm out?
Marriage food , , It was supposed to be macaroni pudding.
Grooming Marriage , brush , I can't wait for you to go bald. I'm sick of watching you count your hair every morning.
Leisure Sports , golf , FORE.
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , bed bed , Set the clock for 5:30!
, Real Estate cave men , Take a tip. Get yourself a couple of nice big caves and rent them out.
, , This umbrella has been broken for ages. I can't believe you finally ... fixed it.
Effectiveness Food , cave men , Here ... make a wish.
Children Lodging Maintenance Religion , baby umbrella , I'd be crying too if I'd just been named Celine Whitney Madonna!
Effectiveness Maintenance Marriage , husband , I couldn't find a button so I sewed the hole up!
Marriage , engagement , Do I have your permission to marry Tammy?
Entertainment Music , conductor , Never missed a beat!
Employment Food , , Your boss says he's sorry but he can't come.
Children Music , bagpipes , If you let it go maybe it'll stop screaming.
Quality Restaurants , bum , Would sir mind sharing a table?
Innovation Science Innovation Science , caveman caveman , You'd never get to the moon. You'd need two hundred of those things.
Effectiveness , arabs , If gas were $10 a gallon, do you realize how many camels we could sell?
Marriage , bandage , If this marriage is going to work, you're going to have to learn to control your temper.
Art , King Tut Exhibit , Please have your tickets ready.
Food Retail , Pizza , Small, medium or large? Or need I ask?
Lawyers , client , D'you think they'll settle out of court for a thousand if I sue for maybe 5 million?
Technology Television , , Hold it there until the cableÕs fixed.
Marriage , , I've had enough of you. You only do half the things I ask you to do around here... Oh yeah... Well, when we got married you weighed 100 lbs. ... Now you're 200 lbs. So what? So I only have to love, honor and obey half of you.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , , This is a very sad case. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... unlike yourselves, my client grew up without the advantages of intelligence.. ...charm... ...and good looks.
Food Marriage , eggs , Your mother said you loved eggs for breakfast!
Lodging , chair , Apart from a little dampness, Herman, how's everything else?
Leisure Maintenance , broom , Can't you sit down! This is supposed to be a picnic.
Animals Pets , husband , All she said was, would I look after her cat for the weekend.
Health Television , , If you're gonna do yoga every night, I want my own TV.
Marriage , fat lady , There's the last-minute replacement jockey for your hot-tip.
, cue cue , If I lose ...the bet's off, okay!
Doctors Lodging Maintenance Doctors Lodging Maintenance , TREE SURGEON TREE SURGEON , That man's here about the tree. You should have called me sooner.
Miscellaneous Service , Wishing Well , You're not Brad Pitt!
, Gorilla Gorilla , Oh, he hasn't escaped ... he just gets these sudden cravings for a cheeseburger.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , , Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Excuse me. Excuse me. You should do this. I keep in shape walking around you!
Dating Dating , , This is a wonderful evening, Ronald. You're so romantic. Will you do something which will mean a great deal to me? Of course! What is it? I want to drink this diet root beer out of your shoe.
Animals Food Pets , bone , You got a dog?
Religion Travel animals , , Have you got a window-seat?
Effectiveness Retail , husband , The sign said, 'Umbrellas 50% Off'.
Children Leisure Sports , child , That was HIS point.
Animals Leisure , camp , So much for camping!
Employment Health , boss , You're better off working here than lying around the house feeling sorry for yourself.
Automobiles Sales , Models , ...and it does 1,200 miles on a tankful of gas.
Marriage Science , husband , I don't know why you love nature after what it did to you.
Diet Food , beef , Are you sure that's on your diet?
Effectiveness Miscellaneous Effectiveness Miscellaneous , syu , FIFTEEN I tell ya, I'm having one of those days. I overslept. SIXTEEN. The toaster exploded. Then the car wouldn't start. EIGHTEEN.
Military , arrows , Who's winning, guys?
Marriage Religion , , Take this woman... For better or for worse... You're supposed to say "For better or for worse". What's the matter? I was just thinking. What happens if I get better and she gets worse?
Music Retail , , All I said was, 'I only like half the songs on it'.
Employment , boss , Get out! I haven't forgotten I fired you this morning.
Dating , dance , I know I'm scraping the barrel, but would you like to dance?
Entertainment Television , , You're missing a great movie!
Education Miscellaneous , idiot , ...and don't call me illiterate. My Ma and Pa have been married for thirty-eight years.
Health Leisure , , What's up with him? Don't talk to him, he's in a bad mood. He started jogging this morning. New track suit, new running shoes. Only got to the end of our driveway. The woman across the street called an ambulance.
Children Restaurants , child , I'll have a glass of raspberry soda, and leave the bottle here.
Crime , convict , D'you think you'll be writing a book about this after you get out?
Marriage , giant , If you want to leave, Maxine, I won't stand in your way.
Children , child , Hang on to your tickets! You may have trouble bringing that kid out.
Diet Health , fat lady , What's the point of me losing two pounds in two months if you don't even notice?
Dating , chocolates , Let's not waste anyone's time. Give me the chocolates and we'll call it a night.
Crime Employment , boss , What did you do before you were a self-employed mugger?
Children Safety , Exchanges , EXCHANGES NO CAPTION
Food Miscellaneous , , She wants to buy some fresh fruit and vegetables!
Marriage Religion , bride , So I'm half an hour late! So what?
Effectiveness , husband , Why don't you start going to bed earlier?
Crime Effectiveness Friendship , , So what happened when you called him an idiot?
Retail , cans , Clean up in isle three!
Children Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Why don't you wait until you're both working?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , Good morning, Doctor. Look, I don't want to alarm you. What's up? I think you should be prepared for the very worst. You mean... I'm gonna....? You mean I've had it? Oh, no. I mean, it's going to cost you over $20,000.
Leisure Safety Sports , hill , Okay, you can go now ... we've evacuated the village.
Crime Marriage , 21752 , I agreed for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Nothing about "inside or out".
Lodging Safety , fridge , You left this refrigerator open again.
Sales , barbell , This is the latest exerciser. It's an inflatable mother-in-law and a baseball bat!
Children Education , child , You're not getting an encyclopedia! You can walk to school like I had to.
Effectiveness , husband , It says right here on the can, 'Do not use to clean overnight'.
Children Dating , child , There's a girl who's been left $100 million! Why don't you give her a call?
Animals art , , You can believe what you like ... I tell you I saw one.
Entertainment , bar , I left the circus 17 years ago but I think I still miss it!
Employment Marriage , assistant , My wife's on her way up, Gladys; so you're my new secretary and Francine's going for an early lunch.
Employment , boss , Unless I'm mistaken, you had a pretty hefty pay hike in 1967.
Marriage , bill , Is that the bill for my credit card?
Lawyers Marriage Lawyers Marriage , , Silence in Court. I have reviewed all the evidence in this case... Considering you have been married for 12 years... I'm going to see that your ex-wife gets $250 per week. We both appreciate that, your Honor. ... I'll send an extra 50 bucks from me.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , , Look at the card on the wall. Cover your left eye. E, G O N S V P Q R B...S... Now your right eye. E... G O N B O X A S E ...B If you like for another five dollars, cover both eyes... ...And I'll test your memory.
Animals Crime Pets , aquarium , I thought maybe they could identify the person who stole my TV.
Safety Travel , Fly , If you haven't flown since 1939, I think I can safely say you'll find a few minor improvements.
Crime Marriage , gag , That's a relief. I thought I'd gone deaf!
Fashion , Gowns , He wants a blue dress for his wife, size 'fat.'
Marriage , husband , If I'm not back in 20 minutes, get a divorce.
Crime Lodging Safety , arrows , Oh, no! Somebody's broken the bedroom window.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance , 373 , Aren't you supposed to screw numbers on the outside of a door?
Doctors Health , doctor , You've heard of 'The Battle of the Bulge'. Well, you lost.
Construction Construction , carpenter carpenter , Why don't you listen? I said, 'Send over a can of glue.'
Government Travel Government Travel , UFO UFO , Just keep quiet. You told the immigration office at the airport that you were from Cuba and you wanted to defect. But now we find you're an insurance agent from Cleveland returning from a week's vacation in Mexico. What I want to know is... WHY! He hates line-ups.
Employment Ethics , assistant , You can start tomorrow, but as soon as my wife sees you you're finished!
Fashion Retail , Umbrellas , I do have your size, madame, but it comes with a table and four chairs.
Animals Safety , elephant , The elephant fainted and we can't find the keeper.
Children Education , ABC , I want my apple back.
Animals Pets Safety crime , Killer , It doesn't matter what sort of dog you've got, it's guaranteed to keep away burglars.
Food Science , chalk board , Can't you make yourself a cheese sandwich when I'm out all day?
Grooming , husband , Why don't you save the money and put it toward plastic surgery?
art art , , Six months at Art College and you say 'What's it s'posed to be?'
Health Leisure Sports , raquet , Second serve.
Technology , indian , Same to you!
Ethics , beggar , Buy me a cup of coffee?
Food Marriage , Beer Sandwiches Popcorn , I'm saving for a new dress.
Diet Doctors Food , doctor , How can a 2-ounce chocolate bar add on 4 pounds?
Innovation Technology , cave men , I gotta figure out a way to prevent it from falling over on it's side when it stops rolling.
Leisure , beach , Here's a nice shady spot over here!
Lodging , carpet , This broadloom isn't shrinking ... the guy in the next apartment is pulling it.
Animals , Birds , We're past the point of no return.
Sports , baseball , Watch out for his screw-ball.
Lodging Maintenance , fridge , You got this 'fridge up too high again.
Fashion Retail , coat , Don't decide now Herman ... wear it for a couple of weeks.
, Banking , I wanted to see you, to tell you that your account is eleven dollars over-drawn and it's fine with me.
Effectiveness Miscellaneous , Stew , Okay, you wanna play rough ... gimme the beads back!
Automobiles Travel , gasoline , Here's a cup. Give me a dollar's worth.
Art accounting , Guide , Are there any more taxation jokes before we move on?
Effectiveness Employment , chair change , Your previous employer says you have trouble adjusting.
Animals Pets , animal , Fourteen years old and still playful.
, doctor doctor , Is your back still killing you?
Crime Effectiveness , bars , NO CAPTION
Sales , Acme Brush , ACME BRUSH NO CAPTION
Sports , barbell , That's just plain showing-off.
Children Health Lodging Maintenance , child , Mommy's not feeling too well, so I'm putting you in charge of cooking and cleaning.
Animals Music Pets , accordion , It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
Marriage , friends , We've been married 38 years and he says he can't remember that far back.
Marriage , Keep Off The Grass , I nearly got caught picking you some flowers.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Why don't you leave the ring and I'll phone you with my answer.
Employment , boss , Browning, for a guy who's worked here for 12 years, you're setting a lousy example.
Children , bucket , You told them it's a pool table, so they're filling it with water ... that makes sense!
Marriage food , , Look at this! Even the garbage pail's got ulcers!
Innovation Technology , arabs , Abdul ... will you keep that thing outa sight while we're still in the oil business.
Marriage Restaurants Sports , husband lacrosse stick , Table for two ... chairs for three!
Ethics , Telephone , There's someone out here waiting to use the phone.
Doctors Effectiveness , doctor , Stick you tongue out. I want to clean my glasses.
Lodging Maintenance Safety , foot gardening , I thought you were going to mow the lawn.
Animals Lodging Pets , apartment , Okay, show me where it says on that apartment lease about NOT keeping ducks?
Health Safety , bandages , The doctor says you'll probably be in 'The Guinness Book of World Records.'
Art , Help , He painted this one while he was locked in his studio.
Children Fashion Grooming Children Fashion Grooming , child child , There's just no pleasing you, is there? All week you've been telling me to get a haircut.
Children Health , Maternity , It's no use waiting there Ñ that's the laundry chute.
Innovation Technology , husband , Listen, I'd better go. My wife's waiting to use the phone.
Grooming , husband , I hope you can remember what you look like. I just broke your shaving mirror.
, indians , This should be good ... he's eaten the whole bowlful of tobacco and now he's smoking a potato.
Dating Doctors , doctor , Okay, you've got your 'nose job'. Now get out there and meet girls.
Dating Effectiveness Entertainment , Dance , Don't let anyone take my special chair.
Food Restaurants , Hot Dogs , Fill 'er up.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , I'm not going to give you a tip. I don't like to hurt people's feelings.
Employment , Manager , Did you get your pay raise?
Marriage , , Can you send an ambulance to 27 Sycamore Drive in about six minutes?
Marriage , argument , I'LL KEEP MY VOICE DOWN WHEN YOU KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
Marriage , bar , It's your wife again!
Travel , SOS , In two days I'll owe $3,000 on a library book I haven't even read.
Crime , Tools , This one looks OK. Can I try it out on your front door?
Marriage , husband , By the time we had saved enough money for a honeymoon, we didn't want one.
Ethics Health Restaurants , Diner , Is it OK if I eat while you're smoking?
Dating , date , I've never dated anyone from the Circus before.
Lodging Maintenance , husband , Your horoscope says, 'Today is a good day to catch up on all those little jobs around the house.'
Children , baby gambling , D'you wanna play blocks for money?
Art Art , Show , This one's not signed.
Animals Pets , bowl , He's trying to talk!
, fire firefigher , Did you have a good day?
Restaurants , Desserts , I can't help myself. I'm gonna spend your gratuity on a dessert.
Miscellaneous Sports aliens , , Every time they orbit, we have to take our net down.
Doctors Health , nurse , Doctor, Mr. Mildew is here to see you about his wife's insomnia.
Miscellaneous Technology , Telephone , Here, they don't believe me. Say something in Martian.
Military Restaurants , binoculars , Two hundred and forty-seven submarine sandwiches to go.
Entertainment , Now Showing Earthquake , Sit at the front, he says. Sit at the front.
Doctors Science , doctor , He's equipped with a spare leg.
Travel , barrel , Let's see ... Niagara Falls ... Niagara Falls.
Health Marriage , husband , ONE.
Fashion Maintenance , hat , Didn't you used to be taller?
Employment , fireman , Did you have a good day?
Crime Marriage , Cakes With Files , Seeing you once a month is gonna make the next two years a lot easier.
Holidays , husband , Is that the tie I bought him for Christmas?
Animals Pets , costume , Love your costume.
Health Lodging , Pharmacy , I'll need a glass of water in 14 seconds.
Fashion Retail , husband , I don't have a clue what it is, but it was the last one they had!
Automobiles Effectiveness , car , I thought you were going to save me a parking space.
Quality Safety , Stop , I seem to be losing my touch.
Service , clerk , And don't wish me a Happy New Year because I do not want one, thank you.
Children , baby , This 'Horace the Hamster' stuff is driving me bananas.
Entertainment Marriage Newspapers , husband , If they make 'Jaws meets Godzilla', it'll give your mother a chance to break into movies.
Marriage , Caution This Area Mined , Be nice to my family when they get here.
Retail Service , barber , HAIR CUT WHILE U WAIT NO CAPTION
Children Holidays , child , You know Christmas is the only chance Daddy gets to sleep in.
Holidays Retail Sales , christmas presents , I guess that takes care of my Christmas bonus for the next 25 years.
Food , delivery , You the guy who ordered the 'Grand Slam' pizza?
Fashion Holidays Retail Sales , Pants for Christmas , These should do it.
Children Holidays , Merry Christmas , I told you not to drink that on an empty stomach.
Doctors Health , doctor , It's just a touch of heartburn.
Miscellaneous , indian , Which one of you is 'Chief Crazy Nose'?
Children Safety , bicycle , Did you know your front wheel fell off?
Animals Farming Holidays , barn , I don't mind telling you I'm glad Christmas is over!
Children , child , My, my ... you're the image of your father!
Entertainment Television , , Will you please say 'good night'. Our guests are leaving.
Doctors Health , doctor , What is it with your profession! You're the 39th doctor to tell me I'm a hypochondriac this year.
Animals Health Pets , Woof , He's got a sore throat.
Animals Pets , dogs , They say pets start resembling their people.
Crime Holidays , birthday cake , You shouldn't have told him it was your birthday.
Holidays Religion , cave men , I've heard of starting Christmas early, but it's only 6,000 years B.C.!
Children Holidays , Merry Christmas , If you're Santa Claus, who was that dummy in the glasses who left me all that junk last year?
Death Quality Restaurants , drink , I told you not to order a Zombie in here.
Service , booze , Say when.
Grooming Holidays , beard , She gave me aftershave for Christmas, so I gave her beauty soap.
Animals Innovation , Gorilla , Someone gave him a banana with a file in it.
, , WHERE are you? I thought you were gonna put a new lock on this door?
Sales , Ace Brush , Remember me? I sold you the set of encyclopedias.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Joyce, how much do I charge people when I don't know what's wrong with them?
Music Quality , giant , Had enough music?
Fashion fashion , shoes , That pair comes with a set of training wheels.
Religion Safety , lake , NO WALKING ON THE WATER NO CAPTION
Fashion fashion , shoes , That pair comes with a set of training wheels.
Dating , , So much for computer dating. So you're Francis!
, , There's only two of these left in the entire world.
Employment , boss , Pay attention everyone,... this afternoon I'll be advising you all of my choice for the new Manager.
Employment , boss , The good news is that you're NOT being laid off, the bad news is ... you're being fired!
Children Safety , child , Don't look at me ... you gave him the carpentry set.
Doctors Food Health Marriage , bandage , He said you put a grape in his ear.
Food , , I can't make egg on toast. It keeps rolling off.
Restaurants , All You Can Eat , ALL YOU CAN EAT $18 ALL YOU CAN EAT $6
Lodging , friend , I told him we needed new furniture so he bought me a pool table.
Holidays Marriage , fence , I'm giving him 15 more minutes to remember it's my birthday.
Effectiveness Food , cake , Oh, no! I didn't read the box. It's supposed to make 24.
marriage , bride hotel , Just put her inside the door.
Innovation Military Technology , cave men , So that's the new MX.
Leisure , fat lady , We used to do quite a lot of ballroom dancing until my arms started getting shorter.
Animals Leisure Sports , deer , Another one of nature's mistakes.
Employment , butler , That's two weeks' salary, Crabshaw.
Aliens Grooming Miscellaneous , alien , You can't get a decent haircut on Saturn.
Ethics , beauty , Do you believe the nerve of that guy whistling at us like that?
Effectiveness Maintenance Service , bug , Yeah, well as far as I'm concerned, bug killer is bug killer and you guys owe me a new screen door.
Animals Pets Television , , I think he's gonna smash the TV if we don't let him out.
Doctors Health Music , band , I'm having trouble sleeping.
Fashion Retail Sales , fat lady , Let's face it, madame. Every swimsuit in this store is going to be a bikini for you.
Entertainment Ethics Marriage Politics , 911 Zoological Gardens , It's agreed then: We change the sign on the tiger's cage from 'maneater' to 'personeater'.
Effectiveness Employment Technology , boss , As soon as it rains and the river rises...get yourself something to eat.
Leisure Sports , clubs , He's got a wicked slice!
food , , I'm getting indigestion just looking at this.
Fashion , dress , D'yer think it's too tight? My legs are going dead.
Leisure Sports , ball , We usually use a four-iron from up there.
Effectiveness Food Quality Restaurants Service , columbus restaurant , Give me your name and address. If I don't end up in the hospital, I'll send you a tip.
Diet Health Diet Health , mouth mouth , How did you get on at the weight-loss clinic?
Animals Food , cage , I'll trade the ice cream for two chunks of apple.
Children Children , baby baby , She didn't want you to kiss her.
Marriage Miscellaneous Marriage Miscellaneous , bench husband parenting park bench husband parenting park , Don't believe a word he says, Mother.
Health , bed , So how are you feeling?
Crime Food Innovation , 1812 , So I said, 'Bake me a cake with a hacksaw in it'.
Fashion Marriage , bride , We've only been married six months and already she wants a new dress.
Sales , chair , Herman, this is our deluxe comfort model.
Animals Maintenance Technology Animals Maintenance Technology , elephant elephant , I thought so. There's another peanut in here.
Leisure Leisure , cards cards , I've got a pair of aces. Shall we risk Arizona?
Fashion Retail Sales , fat lady , Let's face it, madame. Every swimsuit in this store is going to be a bikini for you.
Health Safety , bed , ... and Frank next-door says to remind you you owe him a new ladder!
Food Marriage diet , , You weighed 100 pounds on our wedding day, so I'm not even married to three-quarters of you!
Military children , , Dad, where can we go to burn some crops?
Marriage , fiance , He said, 'Glass is a boy's best friend'.
Leisure Sports , club , This'll be the first time in his life he'll shoot a birdie.
Effectiveness Employment , , What exactly do you do around here, Mildew?
Restaurants Retail Service , Ice Cream Flavours , It's your own fault for changing your mind.
Diet Health Food , Junk , You quit smoking again?
Marriage , friend , I gave up all dreams of happiness when I agreed to marry Henry.
Fashion Retail , Hats , NO CAPTION
Restaurants Service , menu , I said, I would like a pitcher of water.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'm going to take you off the nitroglycerin pills.
Children Technology , child , I told you I wanted that $800 electronic keyboard for my birthday.
Children , child , Was everything in black and white when you were a kid?
Employment Sports , Round , Get your wife out of there, Mildew. You're fired.
Grooming Maintenance Grooming Maintenance , jack jack , Your wife stuck in the bath again?
Safety Travel , Gates , New airline strategy. All first-class passengers have to have one.
Doctors Health Lawyers , doctor , Leave a clamp or something in me. I could really use the money.
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , puzzle puzzle , Your wife says you're quite a puzzle.
Employment Ethics , boss , I should fire you, but I don't believe in mixing business with pleasure.
Animals Pets , dog , Has the dog been out today?
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance , axe , She changed her mind.
Children , baby , I see he's got his Mommy's nose.
Automobiles Quality Sales , , It doesn't have a reverse gear for backing up.
Health , bed , Go to sleep. Everybody has one foot bigger than the other.
art , , This is one of his earlier works.
Children Pets Training , Obedience School , We only do dogs.
Crime Science Technology , lie detector , Can you send someone over to fix the lie detector? All the pens have broken off.
Travel , husband , I got a ticket for going the right way down a one-way street in reverse!
Quality Restaurants , Home Cooking , NO CAPTION
Government Travel , Customs , Why don't we just call it even and I'll cancel my next four trips abroad.
, restaurant , When I shout 'waiter', I expect you to come here immediately.
Death Lawyers , bodyguard , If anything happens to my nephew, Rodney, the bulk of my fortune will go to his bodyguard, 'Big Louie.'
Sports , boxer , Are you sure the referee didn't hit me a couple of times in there?
Television , , It's a movie about a prisoner of war camp.
Marriage , husband , That's the third time you've agreed with him.
Leisure Marriage Sports , best man , You're supposed to be at the church in 20 minutes.
Children Maintenance , can , I didn't tell him he could play with the paint.
Animals Food Pets , Fish , I'll just let them help themselves.
Children Miscellaneous Travel , , You'd better go now. I'm not stopping halfway across the galaxy.
Marriage , husband , He always keeps me in the style to which we have become accustomed ... abject poverty.
Doctors Health , doctor , He wants a second opinion, Ronnie, what do you think?
Service , Directory , NO CAPTION
Diet Health , fat lady , D'you think it's those diet pills beginning to work?
Automobiles Training , automobile , You're not even half as good as my last driving instructor!
, husband , How's your hay fever, Mother?
, boxing gloves , Herman, I want a word with you about loading a dishwasher.
Animals Banks Service , Bank Banking , Get a move on - I got 200 sheep parked outside in the street!
Travel , airplane , The note says, 'When do we land?'
, lawyer , Let's see ... stung by a jellyfish. I think we may be able to sue Jacques Cousteau.
, , Go ahead. Make my day.
, husband , You call yourself a salesman!
aliens , , Two railway stations ... both with sugar and milk.
Animals Marriage Animals Marriage , pigs pigs , It dudn't get any better than this.
Aliens Miscellaneous Travel , alien , Just say something about what it's like down here on earth.
, Driving School , I cannot drive with your foot hovering over the brake pedal!
Crime Marriage Newspapers , 7912 , Did you have to tell the newspaper reporters I was 57 years old?
Fashion Retail , Shoes , They feel comfortable. What do they look like?
Dating Dating Service , , Any luck today, Betty?
Employment , phone , Eleven years ago he was told, 'Don't call us, we'll call you.'
Effectiveness Fashion Newspapers , Dress lbs Thinner , NO CAPTION
Grooming Marriage , Hers , Your's is under the sink.
Children Ethics , boy scout , D'you wanna buy some 'Equal-Opportunity- Boy-Scout Cookies'?
Doctors Health Technology , bed , It's just a back-up system for your pacemaker.
Children Government , child , I gotta pay income tax on that $5 Grandpa gave me!
Crime Retail Service , Cut , What's this made of ... soap?
Lawyers , brush , He's badgering the witness, your honor.
Government Newspapers , husband , They're thinking of replacing the $20 bill with a coin.
Doctors Health Service , doctor , I can't see him without an appointment!
Lawyers Maintenance , bill , I asked that lawyer what time he wanted me to clean his office and he sent me a bill for 'Discussion of Cleaning.
Safety Travel , beach , I told you the sand was hot.
Children Safety , Fireworks , Don't light that in here.
Health , , Darrell, you've won a million dollars!
Quality Safety , bed , That quart of milk in the fridge expires at midnight.
Banks Children Technology , Banking child , When you go to the bank tomorrow, you should find an extra $50,000 in your savings account.
Mail , desk , The mail strike is over.
Quality Restaurants , menu , What's the muck-of-the-day?
Children Health , bandages , Your wife had a baby girl. I don't know if that makes you a daddy-mummy or a mummy-daddy.
Employment , boss , Rather than an extra $20 a week, how would you like to be managing director of filing?
Food Retail , Kitchenware , Got a hammer and chisel in avocado green?
Government art , , I get a government grant to study what it's like to be an out-of-work artist.
Service , Skid , I use this one when it's raining.
Friendship Marriage , friend , Bernie, old boy ... my wife doesn't believe I was with you last night.
Effectiveness Travel , Bus Stop , There's never a bus when you want one.
Children Education Quality , English Literature , Shakespeare, did your father help you with this homework?
Health , Hospital , D'you want 'OUTPATIENTS' or 'EMERGENCY'?
Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor , Try to remember all the things you've eaten in the past three days.
Dating , cave man , You don't want us to become extinct, do you?
, restaurant , How much do out-of-work, war veterans usually tip?
Government Service Travel , automobile , Nervous flyer. ... He promised me an extra 10 bucks if I miss his plane.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance Councillor , She never wants to go out.
Grooming , automobile , I thought you liked this perfume!
Science , husband , George is an amateur astronomer.
Animals Diet Food Pets Restaurants , fish , Who's having the raw herring?
Health , bandages , What time did he discharge himself?
Automobiles Training , School Motoring , Don't keep ducking.
Diet Doctors Food Friendship Health , , He asked me to put some ketchup in here.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bed , You know better than to make a bed like that, nurse.
Effectiveness Marriage , frying pan , He told me to wake him at exactly 8 o'clock.
Service , Now Locations Serve You , I'm outside the railway station after 3 o'clock.
Effectiveness Health , bed , Doctor, I'm not getting a pulse.
Grooming Quality , bathroom , My new underwater watch has stopped!
Restaurants Service , cafe , Hey, Harry, can I have the key to the sugar?
Friendship , friend , Sure, come over to dinner one evening. You can have mine.
Dentistry Effectiveness , dentist , The other scraper!
Crime Government , Jail , Good luck, Miller. Try to stay out of trouble.
Health Service , Out Patients , Who's next?
Health , nurse , Well, I just hope I look as good as you do on my 110th birthday.
Doctors Health , doctor , What's wrong with your neck?
Sales , , Don't start that sales resistance stuff, Madam, I'm having a rough day.
Quality Restaurants , plate , Is that supposed to be a tip?
Innovation Lodging Maintenance , brush , Five cans of ceiling white.
Friendship , alligator , You guys are too early ... he's not in here yet.
Health , bed , Did you ask the nurse about getting me into a bigger ward?
Banks Crime , Bank Banking , You shouldn't carry all this cash. Why don't you open an account?
Banks Crime , Bank Banking , How much do I have in my account?
Dentistry , dentist , Will you RELAX! ... it's a little mirror!
Doctors Health , Emergency , It is an emergency! The potatoes are burning my head.
Service , Information , Who am I? And what am I doing here?
Music Technology , , We handle hi-fi stereo, sir. You need a blacksmith.
Marriage , fat lady , We used to fght when we were young but she grew out of it.
Health Innovation , funnel , His doctor told him to get some mountain air.
Automobiles Sales , , If you want a good runabout, buy this one. ... It never starts.
Grooming , beauty parlour , They warned us in hairdressing college this day would come.
Safety , Human Cannonball , Oh, no! Right over the old ladies home!
Friendship , fat lady , We'd love to have you over for dinner but we only have small chairs.
Health , bandages , They're gonna use your X-rays in a textbook!
Health , Pharmacy , Got anything for vine-burn?
Health , Emergency , Just follow the blue line until you find your insurance card.
Children Health , Ward , Come along, dear. Daddy's not supposed to go home today.
Employment Newspapers , husband , You'll strain your eyes looking for a job with the newspaper that close!
Employment Maintenance , bucket , They finally gave me the keys to the executive washroom at work. I have to clean it.
Marriage , door , It's for you, Mildred.
Doctors Health , bed , You've had a triple bypass.
Government Travel , Customs , I said, take the lock off!
Safety children , , There goes 20 buck's worth of fireworks.
Restaurants Service food , , That waiter doesn't like you.
Children Science , child , Did your mother say you could build a nuclear device?
Grooming Lodging Maintenance , bath , Don't keep shouting 'call the plumber.' I've called the plumber.
Restaurants , bottle , You're supposed to let wine breathe.
Health Service , bed , Nurse, can we get some chairs over here?!
Children Travel , baby , Just because it's your turn to change his diaper!
Restaurants Service , Please Wait Tolerated , NO CAPTION Please wait to be tolerated
Lodging Maintenance , hammer , I'm not break-dancing! I hit my hand.
Health Safety , bandages , I told you never to get between my mother and a dessert trolley.
Travel , back , So you were three days into the mountains, then what happened?
Dating Dating Service Sales , , It's $500, but that includes a month's supply of breath mints.
Death , crystal ball , Ask him where he left his key to the safe-deposit box.
Employment , boss , Can we discuss salary first? My wife's waiting to go shopping.
Military Miscellaneous , hook , You must be the notorious Captain Phillips.
Employment Military , shields , What do you mean you overslept? That's the third battle you've missed this month!
Restaurants Service food , , I'm washing dishes out back now. Hide my tip in the gravy.
Animals Pets Quality Sales , , You can have that three-legged one for $7.50.
Automobiles Doctors Health , bed , We have to wait for the shock to wear off. He drove over an 800-foot cliff.
Animals , dragonfly , Don't kill it! It'll fly away on its own.
Health Leisure Safety Sports , bandages , They found your skis.
Animals Death Pets , Vet , Good news and bad news. The good news is he won't be scratching your furniture anymore.
Doctors Health Travel , doctor , Two years is a long time to have jet lag.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , That's not the signal for a right turn.
Retail , husband , I've been elected to the Credit Card Hall of Fame.
Employment Restaurants , boss , I know it's you Bellamy. Who said you could take a part time job?
Fashion Retail , Suits , Chest, fifteen and three-quarters times four.
Health Leisure Sports , Emergency , Still having trouble with that shoulder?
Restaurants Service , menu , Don't bother to leave a tip. I had one of your sausages.
Doctors Health , doctor , If you can spare a few seconds, I'd like to do a brain scan.
Health , bed , If you're that worried about catching my cold, sleep in the KITCHEN.
Philosophy Politics , drinks , I'm a masculinist.
Children Education , child , Why is he learning algebra? Stick to this country!
Doctors Health , doctor , I've gotta get a sample of your stomach acid.
Employment Innovation , hat , It says on your resume that you can use your head in an emergency.
Military Quality food , , In time of war, they could drop you behind the enemy lines with that frying pan.
Military , arrow , Looks like they hit the supply wagon.
Restaurants , waitress , Three coffees to go. Here's the address.
Effectiveness Marriage , automobile , Muriel, I want her out of my car.
Automobiles Training , School Motoring , Coward!
Holidays Retail , bags , Oh, great! I give you $50 for your birthday and you spend five thousand.
Children Crime , 2639 , In time, I'll put this one through law school. He'll get you out of here.
Safety , Phone booth , I love you too, sweetheart, but I've gotta go.
Animals Pets , dog , He's not house-trained, but who cares?
Employment Service , bed , Mildew, don't think I haven't noticed your little trips to the flea market.
Effectiveness Military , castle , Whaddya mean 'the oil isn't boiling'? They'll be attacking in 10 minutes!
Government Travel , Immigration , It says he was born in three different countries.
Food Maintenance , sausage , Who's supposed to be looking after this sausage machine?
Music , fly paper , NO CAPTION TRUMPET WITH MUSICAL NOTES
Dentistry , dentist , I can't find my glasses, so don't move around.
Holidays Marriage , husband , How d'you expect me to remember your birthday? I was only three years old when you were born.
Doctors Health , bed , Sure, I can do the operation for $800. ... bigger stitches.
Effectiveness Fashion , husband , You just ruined a perfectly good hole.
Entertainment Newspapers Television , Daily Planet , There's absolutely nothing on TV tonight!
Technology , Next Time Black Sugar , I spilled my coffee on the keyboard!
Lodging Maintenance Retail , Wallpaper , Just show me the cheapest stuff in the store and I'll force myself to like it.
Children Education , chalkboard , When I said 2 x 4 equals 5, I meant after taxes!
Children , child , The dollar's weakening. ... Got a hammer?
Retail Service , Please Take Number , Number 87 ... tomorrow morning, 9 a.m.
Effectiveness Health , Pharmacy , How do you squeeze these little bottles in a typewriter?
Entertainment , fair , Do I get your hat?
Marriage Technology Television , , This is our new model, 'The Marriage Saver.'
Children Marriage Religion , baby , I'm not naming him 'Spartacus.'
Restaurants Service , menu , We ask for a $2 deposit before we start frying the sausages.
Automobiles Safety Training , School Motoring , Did you just change lanes under that truck?
Children Education , child , I can't find Australia. Are you sure it's on here?
Travel , beach , What happened to my sun screen?
Service , bed , Oh, no! We didn't get our wake-up call.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bells , You say you've got a ringing in your ears. ...
Food Technology , pizza , Electronic Pizza's here.
Marriage Religion , bride , ... with this ring I thee wed.
Lodging Maintenance , husband , He always disappears when I want him to do the dishes.
, Pickpocket , NO CAPTION
Children Education , child , I got 6 percent in math. Is that good or bad?
Children Effectiveness Friendship Leisure , cards , My kid ripped up the ace of diamonds.
Crime Lawyers , accused , Yes ... go on, 'guilty' or 'not guilty', or what?
Automobiles Training , Driving School , How can I signal with both hands steering the car?
, bull , Have you heard that expression, You are what you eat'?
Innovation Lawyers , hat , He designed a roof-rack for cyclists.
Diet Food Restaurants , blindfold , It's just until the dessert trolley goes past, he's on a diet.
, fat lady , Guess who?
Doctors Health , bullseye , You ready?
, fence , I told you not to look at the map whilst you're driving!
Automobiles Effectiveness , automobile , He's a speed-reader.
, , Did you leave that movie in the VCR last night?
food , , I thought you said you wanted 'take out'!
Government Miscellaneous Travel , Immigration , Let me do the talking.
, baby , I don't like it. He's stopped crying and started smiling.
, bed , How long does it take to walk down to the dispensary and get him a sleeping pill?
Grooming Philosophy , Nudist Camp , NO CAPTION
, kettle , You didn't fill it up, did you?
, ambulance , Take him straight down to X-ray.
Employment Health , Bus Stop , I've already had three days off sick this month.
Animals Children Safety , Crocodiles , Get a move on. I'm not paying $6 for another frisbee.
, cards , If you have been cheating, that's your own food money for the week!
, bed , What have I got?
, convicts , I hope you're behaving yourself.
Philosophy Politics , door , I wanted to ask you what you thought of gun control.
, husband , Get down, Robert, remember you're an accountant.
Automobiles Innovation , Car Wash , NO CAPTION
Lodging Maintenance Safety , newspaper , What was that window cleaner shouting about?
, child , If you want to read the editorials, you'll have to wait until I've finished the comics.
, Maternity , If Mom has another girl I'm leaving home.
Animals Grooming Pets , bath , He hates baths but he can't hold on forever.
Doctors Health Holidays Doctors Health Holidays , bandage bandage , You can go home for Christmas.
Aliens Miscellaneous Newspapers Restaurants , alien , Say, ain't you that defector from another galaxy I've been reading about in the newspaper?
Crime Effectiveness Government , convict , We found him hiding in a laundry basket.
Quality Retail Service , pot , Look in the brochure. See if it says it's dishwasher safe.
Animals Pets Safety , dog , NO CAPTION
Automobiles , Auto Parts , I need the front of a Ford and the back of a Toyota.
Doctors Effectiveness Travel , bandage , If I let you drive yourself home, are you going to be turning left or right?
, Children, Christmas, Holidays, child, Santa, Santa Claus , Telling me an old man dressed in red is coming in here tonight is not going to help me to sleep.
Animals Food Pets , chair , I can't find the steak anywhere.
Quality Restaurants Safety , menu , Sorry about the accident. Do you want to order something else from the menu?
Doctors Health , doctor , Your skeletal structure can't support your weight anymore.
Mail , Fragile , Sign here.
Ethics Philosophy , drinks , So I said to him, 'Where is it written down that women should always be the one to look after a baby'?
Children Retail , Toy Dept , My sister wants to exchange this for a radio-controlled tank.
Crime Holidays Lawyers , accused , Will you please tell the court if this is the man you saw standing on the corner.
Dentistry , husband , He just had a tooth pulled by hypnosis.
Children Holidays , bed , Get the Christmas stuff wrapped. They must be asleep by now.
Entertainment Television , , I wish you wouldn't do that every time you don't like something!
Holidays Marriage , bed , You haven't the remotest idea what to get me for Christmas, have you?
Service Technology , Out Order , NO CAPTION
Children Holidays , child , Mom, I'm going to bed now. Wake me up Christmas morning.
Crime Lawyers , , It was just a bit of bad luck that 11 of your twelve jurors had their homes burgled in the past year.
Service , horn , How about a nice swim in the pool?
Quality food , , Use your fingers on it.
Entertainment Quality , Miss , She's changed her nationality 14 times and still hasn't won a pageant.
Dentistry , dentist , Last time I was here you said I probably needed a cap.
Grooming Quality , bottle , This is the most expensive perfume I could find without my reading glasses.
Animals Pets , bed , Will you stop grinding your teeth!
Lawyers , cabinet , Quick ... call a lawyer!
Animals Food Safety , bench , NO CAPTION MAN FEEDING BIRDS
Holidays Marriage , husband , What a coincidence! You forgot my birthday and I forgot how to cook.
Animals Pets Restaurants , bar , Hey, Rosie. Gimme a small grape juice and stick it on his tab.
Marriage Retail , husband , Don't worry if this credit card has been reported stolen. I had a fight with my husband.
Employment , check , I told them I'd quit unless I got a bigger paycheck.
Travel , Taxi , How much to the airport if I drive?
Science , balloon , He's 70 million years old tomorrow.
Animals Science Animals Science , Zoo Zoo , One round-trip and one one-way.
Automobiles Retail , Auto Parts , One of everything.
Diet Effectiveness Food Restaurants , siamese twin , Two coffees, please, one decaffeinated.
Fashion Retail , Hats , I think it definitely makes a statement.
Automobiles Ethics Sales , , I wouldn't sell this piece of junk to my worst enemy.
Restaurants Service , fisherman , I just want to double-check your order before I go. You did say 'Atlantic cod', didn't you?
Quality Restaurants , bowl , If you find a pork chop in your soup, it belongs to table nine.
Animals Pets , birdcage , Are you really sure it was a parrot?
Safety Travel , Reception , Keep this in your room. We don't have a fire escape.
Animals Health Animals Health , Emergency Emergency , My name or the dogs?
Farming Innovation , farmer , I got you a four-slice toaster.
Animals Pets , cat , OK, OK ... you can stay out Saturday night.
Grooming , barber , I never knew this had a 'reverse' switch!
Effectiveness Employment , chair , You're certainly a front-runner for the store detective job.
Doctors Health , doctor , Is this the first time you've had your eyes tested?
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , We mark your ideal shape and the laser does the rest.
Food Marriage Quality , cake , The bride made her own cake.
Dating , boyfriend , We were made for each other, Cybil!
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Music , husband , No wonder that piano tuner wanted 25 bucks!
Children Death , bed , Grandpa, they've been arguing all afternoon about who's going to get your pool table.
Effectiveness Marriage , best man , Ladies and gentlemen ... the gride and broom.
Children , child , Daryl ... we don't need a meteorite!
Automobiles Service , Mechanic Duty , I can't adjust the air conditioning.
Ethics Leisure Sports , bear , I've given up hunting and it's my way of saying thanks.
Crime Effectiveness Safety , cell , NO CAPTION
Doctors Health Safety , doctor , You fell off the operating table.
Food Retail , Pickles , Douglas, when I told you to count the pickled onions, I did not mean separately.
Ethics Food Restaurants , Escargots Have Rights Too , NO CAPTION
Animals Mail Pets , dog house , He likes to get a good run at the mailman.
Doctors Health , doctor , Listen ... it sounds like a subway train.
Restaurants Service , bowl , You the guy with a fly in his soup?
Employment , Air , Well I guess we can kiss goodbye to my promising career on the radio.
Doctors Ethics Health , doctor , I'll do your gallstones and your wife's broken pelvis for your left kidney.
Aliens Food Miscellaneous Restaurants , alien , I can't face the next thousand years without my cup of coffee.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , I'm prescribing two coats of exterior latex.
Leisure Sports , fishing rod , Don't blame me! I told you not to leave it on the seat of the car.
Friendship Health , head , D'you think I should see a doctor?
Lodging Maintenance , husband , I told you not to plant it too close to the house.
Restaurants , bill , Tell the manager I'm declaring bankruptcy.
Effectiveness Entertainment , bax , Hold on ... something's cutting into my side.
Fashion Retail Sales Service Fashion Retail Sales Service , , Maurice, he got this home and it was too tight across his shoulders.
Government Travel Government Travel , Taxi stand taxi Taxi stand taxi , I doubt if you know it. It's a very small country.
Dating Dating Effectiveness Marriage Dating Dating Effectiveness Marriage , Computer Computer , Your last Þve dates all went back to their ex-husbands.
Effectiveness Safety Effectiveness Safety , arrows history security arrows history security , I forgot their crummy password again.
Automobiles Health Marriage Automobiles Health Marriage , bed hospital bed hospital , The car's not quite as wide as it used to be.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , arrow arrow , Is that Robin Hood Pizza?
Lodging Maintenance Retail Safety Lodging Maintenance Retail Safety , hair hair , Got any 25-amp fuses?
Children Miscellaneous Children Miscellaneous , balloon finance balloon finance , Mother, I thought we'd agreed - 'no luxuries.'
, menu menu , Table for 650.
Health , bPZ , Happy Birthday, Mr. Crowfoot. So tell us, how did you get to be 100 years of age? There's only one way... Quit drinking, quit smoking... ...and quit chasing girls. And how long have you been doing that? Three months.
Innovation Innovation , cave cave men exercise men cave cave men exercise men , Get down before you hurt yourself.
Doctors Education Effectiveness Training , , Come in, Crudley. Crudley, this is your fourth year at this medical college. ...And I have here your hand-written examination papers. No one can understand a single word of it. It is TOTALLY illegible. Well done.
Ethics Miscellaneous , beggar charity , Would you like to donate something to the charity of your choice?
Marriage Marriage Television , Guidance , If she agrees to cook, I think you could spring for a color TV in the kitchen.
Effectiveness Employment , boss , Your previous employer says you have trouble adjusting.
Death Health Insurance Marriage Death Health Insurance Marriage , bed hospital bed hospital , I hope you realize you let your life insurance run out in 1955.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , 1705 1705 , What are you in for? I got three months for assault with a deadly weapon. A gunman tried to rob my store... I threw the cash register at him and broke his hand. His lawyer says he won't be able to hold a gun without a lot of pain for at least six months. ...So now he's got a civil judgment against me. ...Loss of income.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , , Waitress WAITRESS I ordered lamb chops and you brought me a grilled cheese sandwich. I'l like you to change it. See what it says on the bottom of the menu. NO SUBSTITUTIONS!
Lodging Safety , bathroom neighbor , Where did these bathroom scales come from?
Children Lodging Safety Children Lodging Safety , chair chair , You mustn't play with Grandpa's chair.
Dating Marriage Dating Marriage , jewelry jewelry , I know diamonds are forever. What can I buy for a couple of months?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Music Doctors Effectiveness Health Music , bow bow , I don't think you're cut out to be a violin player.
Effectiveness Music , horn , He's been taking trumpet lessons for two years.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor doctor , They all sound the same to me after 30 years.
Health Insurance Health Insurance , bed hospital bed hospital , Twelve years I've been paying into that medical plan.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , bible bible , Is this your eye-witness?
Marriage Restaurants Service , husband , Why don't you write more clearly? You left a $200 tip.
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , Personnel Personnel , The job's been Þlled.
Animals Innovation Animals Innovation , Tiger zoo Tiger zoo , NO CAPTION TIGER
Dating Effectiveness Dating Effectiveness , Hat Check Hat Check , Oh, no! Not him again. Tell him I'm off sick.
Miscellaneous Science aliens Miscellaneous Science aliens , , Randolph, I'm talking to a real live brontosaurus.
Health Lodging Marriage Safety Health Lodging Marriage Safety , chair chair , I'll explain later. He had to go to the hospital.
Food Marriage Quality Restaurants Service Food Marriage Quality Restaurants Service , Menu Menu , It's our wedding anniversary. What wine can you suggest that leaves a bad taste in the mouth?
Animals Ethics Technology Animals Ethics Technology , bird birds telephone bird birds telephone , This is a good one! The guy's trying to make a date with the operator.
Animals Marriage Pets , aquarium fish , I can't see Flipper or Goldie!
, boss boss , When you read that letter of reference, you'll understand why I left.
Dentistry Effectiveness Dentistry Effectiveness , dentist dentist , I'll let you decide, but they said the electricity will be off for at least an hour.
Doctors Health Marriage Safety Doctors Health Marriage Safety , doctor doctor , You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many guys sit on their wife's knitting.
Animals Pets Technology Animals Pets Technology , cat clock cat clock , Muriel, the cat got my cuckoo.
Animals Effectiveness Pets Animals Effectiveness Pets , Beware The Dog Back dog security Beware The Dog Back dog security , NO CAPTION BEWARE OF THE DOG BACK IN 5 MINS.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , accused justice accused justice , You expect me to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and then you ask me a question like that!
Employment Employment , Union Union , What a break! It's his first day.... He was so excited... he's been our of work for eight months. $385 a week is gonna make a big difference around here. Why's he sitting over there reading the newspaper? They sent him home early. They're on strike for more pay.
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , biker biker , Excuse me, sir, do you think I could trouble you to pass the salt?
Animals Food Safety Animals Food Safety , cheese mouse cheese mouse , I don't know but I've got a funny feeling about this.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Television Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Television , , What are you doing to the fence? I've gotta fix the T.V. antenna. T.V. antenna? What's that got to do with the fence? Supposing I fall off the roof?
Mail Mail , Parcels Parcels , Are you joking? Six dollars to send that?
Animals Food Quality Restaurants Animals Food Quality Restaurants , Salad Bar rabbit Salad Bar rabbit , NO CAPTION SALAD BAR
Miscellaneous Science aliens , , He says there's deÞnitely no intelligent life down here.
Dating Dating , beauty beauty , I don't think I've heard of you before and I'm beginning to see why.
Children Effectiveness , baby , Five more minutes. Grandpa's been on his feet all day.
Entertainment Science Entertainment Science , , How interesting... Scientists believe that there are something like 400,000 billion suns in our galaxy alone... If only 1 percent had planets and only 1 percent of those could sustain life... That would still leave billions of earthlike environments. Isn't that just my luck. I end up on the same one as you.
Fashion Marriage Quality , cap , Are you wearing that cap again? I've thrown it in the garbage three times.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Send in the next three patients.
Animals Pets Retail Sports Animals Pets Retail Sports , horse horse racing jockey racing horse horse racing jockey racing , I'm right out of horses until next Thursday.
Aliens Philosophy , UFO , I saw a shooting star last night. What d'you think about UFOs? It's a possibility. Space aliens? Why not? Why would they come all this way and then not bother to land? Maybe they're looking for intelligent life.
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , alien charity alien charity , I guess you heard about the ßoods on Mars?
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage , bathtub , If you must know, I don't like soap in my eyes.
Automobiles Children Marriage Automobiles Children Marriage , automobile automobile , You said we could get a bigger car when the triplets were born.
, Estate House For Sale Real Real Estate Estate House For Sale Real Real Estate , It's quite a friendly neighbourhood.
Miscellaneous Science aliens Miscellaneous Science aliens , alien alien , I get mixed up with Jupiter and Saturn. Why don't you ask at the gas station?
Crime Effectiveness Crime Effectiveness , bicycle police policeman bicycle police policeman , And you say your bike was chained to it.
Food Marriage Food Marriage , , Yoo-hoo Sweetheart... D'you want a baked potato or mashed with butter? We're having grilled pork chops, your favorite, and I managed to get some fresh garden peas. What was that all about? Must be her birthday next week.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Is your leg still stiff?
Animals Food Marriage Animals Food Marriage , bird bird , Where's the weiner?
Art Effectiveness Art Effectiveness , artist artist , Will you quit looking at your watch!
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , restaurant restaurant , We have two sorts of pies: undercooked and overcooked.
Food Restaurants Service Food Restaurants Service , MENU MENU , Don't drum your fingers. Now remember what the doctor said... You gotta stay calm and relax. I'm sorry waiter. I should've warned you. He doesn't like too much gravy.
Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage , Car Park Car Park , That too close?
Children Marriage , Maternity birth child child birth hospital nurse , I am not getting angry. I just want to know what you mean by 'triplets.'
Fashion Friendship Grooming , cave cave man cave men men , Fifteen years in the rat race, Ralph. Who needs it?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , cream medicine cream medicine , Rub this on everything within 50 feet of your house.
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , If you've stopped serving breakfast, I'll have a bowl of corn ßakes for lunch.
Lodging Quality Service Lodging Quality Service , , Is everything clear? Now remember, at this hotel, always tap on the door and announce "room service" before entering a guest's room. In the event that you find a "Do Not Disturb" sign... quietly open the door with your passkey... Move alongside the bed... and start up your vacuum cleaner.
Quality Safety Service , Complaints , Don't tell me, let me guess.
Effectiveness Safety Effectiveness Safety , Cannonball Cannonball , You're not using enough gunpowder, Harry.
Grooming Service , barber , That's perfect, Wayne.
Effectiveness Music , drum , Is the band still in front of me?
Effectiveness Employment Marriage Effectiveness Employment Marriage , husband husband , I got a job as a night watchman in a mattress factory.
Children Leisure Children Leisure , brother brother , One day, kid, this will all be yours.
Animals Pets , bird parrot , Where did you learn a word like that?
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , beard beard , I bought you that tie 40 years ago and this is the Þrst time you've worn it.
Health Marriage Newspapers Health Marriage Newspapers , bed horoscope hospital bed horoscope hospital , Your horoscope says, 'Luck is on your side today. Don't be afraid to take risks.'
Lodging Marriage Lodging Marriage , door door , Couldn't you hear me knocking?
Animals Automobiles Pets Safety Animals Automobiles Pets Safety , automobile dog police automobile dog police , Is the police cruiser still behind us?
Leisure Lodging Marriage Travel Leisure Lodging Marriage Travel , camp camping camp camping , What do you mean, 'Put up the tent'? That's it!
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , , They don't know what they're talking about. The basis of a lasting marriage is communication. I agree. What do you know about it? I've been married to a genius like you for 35 years! SHOVE OFF! Shove off yourself.
Fashion Marriage Retail Fashion Marriage Retail , Fur Sale Fur Sale , You won't be able to write a check with your hands shaking like that.
Animals Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Animals Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance , mouse mouse , This your idea, was it?
Employment Service Technology Employment Service Technology , assistant assistant , Yes, the copier! It needs Þxing again.
Ethics Ethics , beggar charity beggar charity , Don't try to sneak by, sir.
Entertainment Television Entertainment Television , , Read 'em and weep. Isn't this nicer.... playing cards instead of all being glued to the television. Hey, Pal... That's the third time you've had a Royal Flush. I don't like it... Know what I mean? Isn't "Jeopardy" on?
Banks Crime Effectiveness Banks Crime Effectiveness , Banking bank police Banking bank police , Did anyone other than yourself know the combination?
Crime Effectiveness Employment Ethics , axe history , I didn't bring my glasses. Does that say you've been pardoned?
Quality Service Quality Service , Repairs Repairs , We're closing in Þve minutes. I'll get you a blanket.
Diet Effectiveness Ethics Sales Diet Effectiveness Ethics Sales , , Who are you looking at? I wrote a book once... "How to Eat Donuts, Chocolates and Ice Cream... And Lost Weight." Does it work? Of course not! So what was the point? Sold 17 million copies.
Effectiveness Miscellaneous Effectiveness Miscellaneous , UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS , NO CAPTION UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS
Innovation Science Technology , , Technology today, eh! It says here, "Genetic scientists will soon make it possible for prospective parents to choose their child's potential." Just imagine if Albert Einstein's parents had had an option like that! Or Mozart's... What about Einstein's parents? ... They could've wanted him to grow up like his Uncle Eric.
Crime Marriage Crime Marriage , convict prison convict prison , They took away all my mink coats and my diamond-encrusted wristwatch.
Crime Government Crime Government , , Who was that on the phone? The police are coming over here to interview me about the explosion. What explosion? Last Sunday... When the gas barbecue blew up. It was an accident. I know it was an accident. It seems fifteen different terrorist organizations have claimed responsibility.
Crime Marriage Crime Marriage , 6952 prison 6952 prison , I got 14 days without parole! Don't waste your life. Find someone else.
Miscellaneous Television aliens , , Here's the latest word on that mystery object seen over our city this evening.
Safety Travel , captain history ship , I think we can dispense with hand signals in the middle of the PaciÞc Ocean.
Animals Food Miscellaneous , cave cave men cavemen dinosaur men , I haven't seen one of these for years.
Animals Mail , Keeper monkey zoo , My cousin, Herbie's at a zoo in America.
Health Retail Health Retail , book store library book store library , You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of intelligence. Where can I Þnd a book on self-conÞdence?
Health Innovation Marriage Retail Technology Health Innovation Marriage Retail Technology , fat lady fat lady , Is there such a thing as a bathroom scale Þtted with shock absorbers?
Dating Lodging Marriage Dating Lodging Marriage , boyfriend boyfriend , I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in moving my furniture.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , Give Blood Give Blood , You're not allowed to take it out yourself.
Animals Dating Pets , Rex fish gold gold fish , He keeps forgetting his name!
, bone bone , What's it gonna be: go for walkies, or have this bone and watch the game on TV?
Children Effectiveness Employment Mail Safety Children Effectiveness Employment Mail Safety , arrow arrow , A message from your grandson, sir.
Employment Fashion Quality Employment Fashion Quality , baker baker , Somebody tell that new assistant manager I found his sport jacket.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage Retail Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage Retail , hardware store hardware store , I need one more gallon of that ceiling white.
Food Miscellaneous aliens Food Miscellaneous aliens , Breakfast Special Breakfast Special , It's a little round white thing, comes out of a chicken.
Animals Pets Quality , old lady police , Detective Shenko, lady. You called in about a missing cat ...
Retail Sales Service , Shoes , Will you get a move on with those loafers? He's trying to leave!
Animals Entertainment Food Leisure Animals Entertainment Food Leisure , banana monkey zoo banana monkey zoo , Can't you see I'm eating? Why don't you push off and go look at the penguins?
Effectiveness Grooming Philosophy , FjV , Time sure flies Days go much faster when you're older. Why's that? By the time I get out of bed in the morning... Have a shave and comb my hair... cook breakfast, eat it, do the dishes... find a clean shirt and get my shoes on... It's four o'clock in the afternoon.
Crime Government Crime Government , , How times change. My great-great-grandfather used to be in your line of work... He used to wait in hiding for unsuspecting travelers on a lonely stretch of highway. Then he'd pull them over... ...and demand money. He got thirty years.
Doctors Ethics Health Marriage Safety , bed , I explained the risks to his wife and she thinks we should take a chance.
Animals Children Education Pets Animals Children Education Pets , child dog child dog , Eat this school report and let me do the talking.
Banks Crime Effectiveness Banks Crime Effectiveness , Banking Loans Banking Loans , I could literally double my income with a 20-foot ladder.
Children Children , Nursery Hospital Staff Only hospital nurse Nursery Hospital Staff Only hospital nurse , I'm back!
Philosophy children Philosophy children , , Who said 'No man is an island'?
Dating Employment Dating Employment , , My daughter tells me you're a lifeguard.
Leisure Marriage Technology Leisure Marriage Technology , ear phones ear phones , Don't touch that volume control.
Banks Effectiveness Banks Effectiveness , Banking Banking , Next... I've been using this bank for twenty years... And I have to wait in line for an hour. I wanna close the account. Give me all my money. D'you know your balance? Just as I suspected... D'you want it in large coins?
Animals Diet Food Marriage Quality Animals Diet Food Marriage Quality , cave cave men caveman men cave cave men caveman men , See if you can get a saber-toothed tiger for the weekend. And make sure it's not all fat.
Entertainment Food Marriage Entertainment Food Marriage , cellar cellar , They all want coffee.
Ethics Lawyers Ethics Lawyers , , How much should I go for? You haven't got a strong enough case to sue for a million. We'll sue for fourteen million. I don't get it. One million for you, one million for me...... ... And twelve million for the jury.
Children Education Technology Training Children Education Technology Training , cave cave men caveman men cave cave men caveman men , Any questions so far?
Children Dating Marriage Children Dating Marriage , bride bride , Randolph! Your blind date is here.
Banks Effectiveness Banks Effectiveness , Banking Banking , I can't understand this! Is this your birth certificate?... ...What's all this crossing out?... The year you were born has been altered! I've been doing it for years. Every year on my birthday, I take this out and add one more year to my date of birth. So you don't know how old you are... I'm always the same age. You were born in 1861!
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , 001 prison 001 prison , What really bugs me is I can't remember what I did.
Effectiveness Miscellaneous Service Effectiveness Miscellaneous Service , Books library Books library , I've only got a few minutes. Where are the short stories?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor medicine doctor medicine , These will stop you tossing and turning all night.
Employment Health , bandages , I'm making you Dobson's personal assistant until his feet get better.
Animals Entertainment Leisure Quality Animals Entertainment Leisure Quality , Zoo monkey Zoo monkey , What about monkeys? You must have monkeys!
Employment Ethics Employment Ethics , CEO CEO , Mrs. Rodriguez, next Monday I want you to stand in for me at the annual stockholders meeting.
Animals Pets Sports Animals Pets Sports , Rex cat Rex cat , OK. Here he comes. Now remember everything I taught you.
Politics Politics , Grandperson Clocks Grandperson Clocks , We're living in very strange times, Martha.
Ethics Innovation Marriage Science Ethics Innovation Marriage Science , frankenstein frankenstein , Your four years' hard work in the basement just came waltzing up the stairs.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Restaurants , Delicious Pizza , I called your receptionist this morning for a 3 o'clock appointment to have my eyes tested.
Fashion Quality Service Fashion Quality Service , Hat Check Hat Check , I think this one is yours.
Employment Grooming Employment Grooming , beard beard , I think you'll enjoy working here. We're very informal.
Entertainment Television Entertainment Television , , I can't read that... What does it say on the television, I haven't got my glasses... It says, "Warning. Viewer discretion advised.... "The following game show may not be suitable... for anyone with average... or above average intelligence.
Retail Sales Retail Sales , dwarf dwarf , Have you got one with an eye-level grill?
Entertainment Friendship Leisure Technology , Exit , I told you you'd love it.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Clamp!
Marriage Retail Sales Service Television Marriage Retail Sales Service Television , Sale Sale , Imagine them wanting a $5 delivery charge!
Automobiles Effectiveness Sales Automobiles Effectiveness Sales , LAST GAS FOR 300 YARDS LAST GAS FOR 300 YARDS , NO CAPTION LAST GAS FOR 300 YARDS
Ethics Marriage Philosophy Ethics Marriage Philosophy , , Wouldn't it be great... Imagine if there was a country where everyone had to be friendly and courteous all the time. Where no one broke the law and everyone drove within the speed limits... There's only one thing wrong with that. What's that? They wouldn't let you live there.
Automobiles Miscellaneous Service Technology aliens Automobiles Miscellaneous Service Technology aliens , alien alien , Arnold, where can I lay my hands on a fan belt for a 2078 Cosmos Star cruiser?
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , cake cake , ... and cancel the tickets to Acapulco.
Leisure Retail Sales Travel Leisure Retail Sales Travel , backpack backpack , Here we are, Mount Everest. I need 29,000 feet of rope.
Animals Lodging Pets Television Animals Lodging Pets Television , dog dog , I don't want that right in front of the TV.
Education Education , Wet Paint Wet Paint , Dropping out of school never done me no harm.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , boyfriend hospital boyfriend hospital , It was a choice between one of these or a dozen skimpy little roses.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , broom broom , He's down in the basement cleaning the furnace.
Military Military , , When you get to my age, you appreciate a little peace and quiet. You a veteran? Long time ago. Which war? I can't exactly remember... What were you, Army? ...Navy? A Musketeer.
Effectiveness Marriage , friend , We had a trial separation, but she found me.
Entertainment Marriage Television , , This stuff turns your brain into mush. Do you have to watch this junk every day? We should watch something to make us use our brains! Something to stimulate the old gray matter... ...A challenge. I'm not watching "Wheel of Fortune".
Automobiles Children Health Marriage Automobiles Children Health Marriage , automobile automobile , Open the door. How can new seat covers catch measles?
Health Marriage Health Marriage , bed bed , I wish I could lay around in bed all day every time I had a sore throat.
Employment Quality Restaurants Service Employment Quality Restaurants Service , Menu Menu , You'd be in a lousy mood, too, if you had to deal with twits like this every day.
Entertainment Television , , He just won $5,000. I auditioned for a TV game show once. What happened? I was rejected. You know when they show a close-up of your face.... ...And read out all the prizes you could win... The said I didn't look excited enough.
Friendship Holidays Marriage Friendship Holidays Marriage , birthday birthday , Of course I remembered your birthday! I had a drink with the guys at lunchtime.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bed , You still having trouble sleeping?
, 373 373 , Did I tell you I was voted 'The boy most likely to go somewhere'?
, cage cage , If you don't mind me saying so, sir, he never did take well to captivity.
Children Safety Service Children Safety Service , boy scout boy scout , Anybody wanna cross the street?
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , BEWARE dog BEWARE dog , NO CAPTION BEWARE OF 'LULU'
Animals Food Marriage Pets Animals Food Marriage Pets , leash pig leash pig , I used to have a dog, but he wouldn't eat my wife's leftovers.
Employment Employment , assistant assistant , Miss Stokes, I've been looking at your work record, and you're taking far too many days off.
Music Music , Saving For Violin finance Saving For Violin finance , NO CAPTION SAVING FOR A VIOLIN
Effectiveness Quality Religion Effectiveness Quality Religion , Bread Bread , It's a grocery list, Brother Clarence!
Entertainment Food Marriage Entertainment Food Marriage , bowl bowl , I'm not nagging. I just said I hope you're not going to ruin my sister's wedding.
Banks Doctors Ethics Health Banks Doctors Ethics Health , Banking doctor Banking doctor , Your bank manager says he doesn't recommend surgery at this time.
Animals Lodging Newspapers Pets Animals Lodging Newspapers Pets , Apartments For Rent cat Apartments For Rent cat , Here's a nice two-bedroom apartment, but they don't allow pets.
Animals Children Pets Animals Children Pets , baby dog baby dog , Dad, I've been thinking: Why don't we get a dog?
Quality Restaurants Safety Service Quality Restaurants Safety Service , coffee coffee , What's the matter with you? That's the third time you've knocked over the coffee.
Animals Leisure Marriage Pets Animals Leisure Marriage Pets , dog dog , Why would I take your pipe? Have you looked in the kitchen?
Leisure Marriage Leisure Marriage , girl girl , The wife used to do quite a bit of modeling ... until she lost her tube of glue.
Animals Leisure Animals Leisure , decoy elephant hunting decoy elephant hunting , Someone's been taking shots at the decoy!
Health doctors Health doctors , , Bill specializes in the study of rare diseases.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bandages bandages , OK. You can put your clothes back on.
Effectiveness Entertainment Television , 000 000 , Are you ready? For one million dollars AND the championship.... you question is a three-parter on physics. One... Name the first man who succeeded in splitting the atom... Two... What was his nationality? ...And finally... To the nearest tenth of a cubic centimeter, give us the lung capacity of his maternal grandmother's pet canary.
Lodging Marriage , , Special day today. Happy Birthday, Joyce. What did George get you?He walked into the bedroom this morning and threw a set of keys on the bed. He bought you a car! New padlock for the garden shed.
Children Effectiveness Marriage Children Effectiveness Marriage , husband husband , If you want to be a grandfather, you've got to make a few sacriÞces.
Animals Art Quality , bird birds , I think these older statues are a lot more comfortable than modern sculpture.
Health Service Health Service , Pharmacy medicine Pharmacy medicine , This'll take about 20 minutes.
Banks Crime Effectiveness Banks Crime Effectiveness , Banking WANTED Banking WANTED , Are you sure you want cash? I'll need some identification. Driver's license? ...Anything with your photograph on it. I'm sorry, Sir. I simply cannot cash a $50,000 check without it... WANTED
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , Estate For Sale Real Real Estate Estate For Sale Real Real Estate , I'll be honest with you, this is not the largest planet in the universe.
Effectiveness Sports Effectiveness Sports , jockey jockey , If it looks like a close Þnish, jump off.
Animals Miscellaneous Technology Animals Miscellaneous Technology , Telephone monkey zoo Telephone monkey zoo , Hello, operator. I wanna place a collect call to the zoo.
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , bar dog bar dog , When we get home, pretend you're out of breath.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , ambulance ambulance , You wouldn't believe the time we had getting him down those stairs.
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , drums drums , I thought your resume said you did 40 words a minute.
Food Quality Restaurants Food Quality Restaurants , cafeteria cafeteria , Is that 'turkey with noodles', 'beef with cabbage' or 'lasagna'?
Diet Food Restaurants Diet Food Restaurants , , You look nice! We're going to an Indian restaurant. Why don't you two come with us? Harry has very strong views about eating foreign food. He says it's unpatriotic. What does he eat? Spaghetti mostly.
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage , bar , She hid all my clothes so I couldn't go out tonight.
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , bride bride , He's a bit nervous.
Health , axe history medicine , Did they tell you I had to take one of my pills at 2 o'clock?
Construction Entertainment Lodging Construction Entertainment Lodging , bricklayer bricklayer , The housewarming party has been postponed.
Marriage , phone , It's me. I think I'm having a nightmare. Check and see if I'm in bed.
Marriage Religion , bride , Nice job, Percy. See you next time.
Children Health Children Health , birth child child birth father birth child child birth father , Let's see. ... Your wife had a baby girl at 2:15 a.m., a boy at 2:20 a.m. and another two girls at 2:25 a.m.
Animals Food Newspapers Restaurants Animals Food Newspapers Restaurants , dog dog , What do you want on your hamburger?
Employment Employment , boss boss , Your previous employer says you're unpredictable.
Ethics Miscellaneous Science , big big foot foot , Have you done the north slope?
Innovation Technology , arrow cave cave men men , I've still got a few wrinkles to iron out.
Employment Marriage Employment Marriage , boss boss , I told you not to call me at work after 9 a.m.
Effectiveness Government Effectiveness Government , badge cowboy police badge cowboy police , You must be the new sheriff.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , brush brush , Is your mommy or daddy home?
Education Effectiveness Education Effectiveness , audience audience , Today's topic is 'public awareness.'
Food Marriage Retail , fat lady , Do you realize it's been 12 years since we went through the express checkout?
Animals Grooming Pets Animals Grooming Pets , bathtub fish gold gold fish bathtub fish gold gold fish , I'm giving the goldÞsh a good swim.
Crime Lawyers , Jury , OK, OK. Not guilty.
Food Marriage Quality Food Marriage Quality , beef beef , Do you always have to buy the cheapest cuts of meat?
Crime Lawyers Politics , , What have you got to say for yourself? I don't think of myself as a criminal, your Honor. What do you call it? I just take people's money. ...And help them spend it. Why don't you run for office?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , ambulance hospital ambulance hospital , Now, now. ... What's all this I hear about you not wanting to come into my nice hospital.
Doctors Health , bed hospital , They're keeping me in for observation.
Animals Leisure Animals Leisure , Not Feed gorilla zoo Not Feed gorilla zoo , NO CAPTION DO NOT FEED
Children Children , child child , Do something, Dad! A big kid at school kicked me in the leg.
Advertising Dating Marriage Advertising Dating Marriage , , We staying home? Thirty years ago, your advertisement in the Personals said "Romantic, slim woman, loves to ride, aprŽs ski, eat caviar." Yours said, "Professional man, high morals, sense of humor, loves concert halls and mountain tops. Yeah... Yeah... What happened?
Automobiles Insurance Marriage , husband , Does car insurance cover ornamental fountains?
, Dogs Dogs , Take a tip, pal. Never let them know you can read.
Effectiveness Lodging Music Effectiveness Lodging Music , door door , It's really stuck. Do you think you'll be able to play it like that?
Food Marriage Quality Food Marriage Quality , husband husband , We'll have to eat in the kitchen. Your dinner's stuck to the stove.
Effectiveness Marriage , , Grushm. Shmuff slar gromish... Nishm shame nosh vigrar... ...Greddy.. ...Myshlar moov. I wish you wouldn't speak with your mouth full.
Innovation Technology Innovation Technology , cave cave man cave men men cave cave man cave men men , I wanna try something. Grab both my legs and push.
Crime Ethics Retail , Artificial Flowers , Oh, no! The ink's coming off this twenty.
Children Children , child child , The baby sitter fell asleep and some gangsters broke in and ate the rest of that chocolate cake.
Effectiveness Quality Safety Technology Effectiveness Quality Safety Technology , Express Elevator Express Elevator , NO CAPTION EXPRESS ELEVATOR
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , chair , It's still wobbling.
, Beware Dog Beware Dog , It doesn't pay to advertise. Someone stole the dog.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , maitre dis maitre dis , We didn't reserve a table, so I brought my own.
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , Estate Real Real Estate alien Estate Real Real Estate alien , Sorry, pal. I just bought the planet. I want you and all your buddies off by next Friday.
Animals Lodging Marriage Animals Lodging Marriage , cupboards mouse cupboards mouse , Where have you been all day? There's a mouse in the bedroom.
Dating Dating , Love Story Love Story , Wanna go see a movie, baby?
Crime Lawyers Religion Crime Lawyers Religion , , Not guilty", your Honor. This is religious persecution, your Honor. I belong to a small but very devout sect. What's that got to do with all these unpaid parking tickets? Thirty-eighth commandment! What about it? Thou shalt parketh thine own chariot outsideth thine own house.
Service Television Service Television , , Cut out the crying. I promise you you'll have it back tomorrow.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , snake snake , My pet snake swallowed a broom handle.
Grooming Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bathtub plumber , The plumber told you not to block that overßow.
Doctors Ethics Health Doctors Ethics Health , Emergency nurse Emergency nurse , Leave him for a moment, Joyce. I want you to type this letter.
Animals Pets , cat , Here, kitty, kitty.
Effectiveness Ethics Politics , STOP POLLUTION , Get your father on the phone... Is that you, Randolph? ...Listen, I'm down at City Hall picketing so you'll have to do the grocery shopping for me. Got a pencil? ...Yeah... Get me a large detergent and a bottle of bleach... a tube of shampoo and some fabric softener. Also, we need some conditioner. I need toilet bowl cleaner and some spray-on oven cleaner. Then go to the hardware section and get a gallon of paint thinner. ...And if you're going to to the lawn over the weekend, we want weed killer.
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage Effectiveness Leisure Marriage , fish fishing fish fishing , I think you're reeling them in too slow.
Banks Banks , Banking Loans Banking Loans , I'd like to borrow just enough to get myself out of debt.
Children Education Employment Health Safety Children Education Employment Health Safety , Stop sign Stop sign , All the kids at your school sent you a get-well card.
Miscellaneous Science Technology aliens Miscellaneous Science Technology aliens , , Do we set our watches back 4,000 years or forward 4,000 years?
Government Politics Government Politics , , I'm sick of politics. I take no responsibility for any government in the last 50 years. It doesn't matter which party I vote for, the other party always gets elected... It happens every single time. I've never had political representation. Who are you voting for next time? You'll know.
Automobiles Effectiveness Training , Driving School , I hope you don't expect me to pay for a three-minute lesson.
Diet Doctors Food Health Diet Doctors Food Health , , How are you feeling today? Is this the list of all things you eat every day? It's going to be difficult, but if you're going to lose 500 lbs., you have to go on a starvation diet. Good grief! Six boiled chickens and a dozen eggs for breakfast! Starting tomorrow... Only 3 chickens.
Doctors Health Leisure Doctors Health Leisure , doctor exercise fitness doctor exercise fitness , I want you to start jogging three times a week. But not on my street.
Doctors Employment Science , hunchback , The agency sent me.
Doctors Ethics Health , Wards hospital , His hospital insurance runs out in 15 minutes.
Doctors Effectiveness Entertainment Health Safety Doctors Effectiveness Entertainment Health Safety , Emergency Emergency , Are you three all together?
Animals Miscellaneous Animals Miscellaneous , shovel shovel , One ... small ... step for worms ...
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , alarm clocks alarm clocks , Only you would book a ßight at 4:30 in the morning.
Animals Marriage Pets Travel Animals Marriage Pets Travel , 787 dog prison 787 dog prison , I'm going to ask the warden if he'll let you look after Rusty for the two weeks I'm in Bahamas.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , I can hear the ocean!
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , , Well? He said you can play on one condition. He wants a felt-tip-pen. To keep score? To write his return address on all the balls.
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , friend zoo friend zoo , She said she wants to look at some fur coats on Saturday, so I'm taking her to the zoo.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Retail Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Retail , , I need a door like this but with number 37 on it. ... We're moving.
Effectiveness Leisure Safety Effectiveness Leisure Safety , Lifeguard Lifeguard , Couldn't you hear me shouting out there?
Newspapers Sales Newspapers Sales , End End , Did you see this? Three rooms of furniture for $15!
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , Doggie dog security Doggie dog security , Come on ... you won't get to be a guard dog just by looking at it.
Food Marriage Quality Food Marriage Quality , husband husband , I'll serve dinner as soon as the smoke clears.
Government Travel Government Travel , Immigration Immigration , How do you say, 'We came to your country to Þnd our suitcases'?
, child child , You've got to be over at the park at 6 o'clock to Þght Henry O'Grady's father.
Animals Miscellaneous Safety Travel , antlers , I told you to stay away from the highway.
Employment Television Employment Television , BETWEEN MYSELF AND THIS BETWEEN MYSELF AND THIS , Here's a news bulletin... Due to a breakdown in salary negotiations... Between myself and this network... After nine years... and much soul-searching...
Effectiveness Mail Effectiveness Mail , , Is this No. 11?
Effectiveness Retail Effectiveness Retail , book library book library , Have you ever heard of the book 'How to Be Six Inches Taller'?
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , cell prison cell prison , Whaddya mean, it was a typing error? For two hundred bucks an hour you're supposed to catch typing errors!
Health Marriage Health Marriage , Out Patients hospital Out Patients hospital , Anyone would think you're the only person in the world who was ever stung on the nose by a bee.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , bed hospital bed hospital , You're being discharged today?! I just spent $8 on these ßowers!
Automobiles Safety Training Automobiles Safety Training , School Driving School Driving , Please don't start looking for your glasses at 80 mph.
Effectiveness Health Marriage Effectiveness Health Marriage , husband husband , There we are. What's 350 pounds divided by two?
Effectiveness Food Marriage Quality Effectiveness Food Marriage Quality , husband husband , Just how do you expect me to cook with these cheap saucepans?
Effectiveness Fashion Marriage Effectiveness Fashion Marriage , husband husband , Say when.
Employment Miscellaneous Employment Miscellaneous , caveman caveman , Our Þrst vice president.
Quality Restaurants Service food Quality Restaurants Service food , , We ran out of prime rib so I gave you double potatoes.
Effectiveness Employment Military , , It's your nephew, Reggie. You should listen to your uncle... When you get to his age, you learn a thing or two. He's joined the Navy. They offered me a commission. Don't take it... Tell 'em you want a regular wage.
Crime Health Lawyers Crime Health Lawyers , , What have you to say for yourself? You have 16 previous convictions! Your Honor, I remember leaving school when I was 15, but after that, everything is a blank. This throws a new complexion on the whole case. I'm ordering a psychiatric examination. For you or for him?
Effectiveness Miscellaneous , animal , Do you mind slowing down?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , ABEFGHMNO ABEFGHMNO , OK! Now stay exactly like that and I'll move the chart over to the other wall.
Diet Doctors Food Health Marriage Diet Doctors Food Health Marriage , Cakes Cakes , The doctor said you mustn't eat sweets. Why torture yourself?
Grooming Service Grooming Service , barber barber , I just cut hair. I don't book the appointments.
Effectiveness Health , , How's it going, Harry? What happened to you? I broke my left arm You mean RIGHT arm Left arm I switch the cast back and forth when it starts itching
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , menu menu , 'Soup of the day' is the same as the 'soup of yesterday' with spaghetti in it.
Effectiveness Health Miscellaneous Effectiveness Health Miscellaneous , foot foot , I have to wear this special shoe until the swelling goes down.
Animals Pets , dog security , OK, OK, don't go crazy every time someone rings the doorbell.
Lodging Marriage Safety Television Lodging Marriage Safety Television , , What happened to the picture?
Automobiles Marriage Technology Automobiles Marriage Technology , Telephone Telephone , Harold, I'm phoning you from the car.
Children Effectiveness Television , , I put the kids to bed. I don't want them watching stuff like this.
Children Holidays , child , I lie awake nights wondering how you get a 10-speed bicycle down a chimney.
Crime Crime , cell history prison cell history prison , What are my chances of time off for good behavior?
Health Travel Health Travel , Bus Stop bus Bus Stop bus , I hope there are plenty of seats.
Effectiveness Food Effectiveness Food , animal cave cave men hunting men animal cave cave men hunting men , My guess is that it's doubled back on us.
Food Health Food Health , RENT VISITOR RENT VISITOR , Your eight dollars didn't include the grapes.
Doctors Ethics Doctors Ethics , doctor doctor , I can't sit in that waiting room all day, doctor. I'm in a hurry.
Ethics Restaurants Ethics Restaurants , Menu Menu , Coffee for me and he'll have a steak sandwich. ... Separate checks.
Employment aliens , alien , Very impressive credentials. How do you feel about relocating to another planet?
Advertising children Advertising children , ADULTS adults oasis ADULTS adults oasis ,
Animals Employment Animals Employment , Feed and Grain bird Feed and Grain bird , NO CAPTION FEED AND GRAIN
Food Restaurants , cook , Cheese omelet, sunny side up.
Animals Lawyers Marriage Pets Animals Lawyers Marriage Pets , , Your breakfast is getting cold. Did you see this! A woman was granted a divorce because her husband verbally abused her in the pet food section of a supermarket. ...She gets to keep the house.. ...the car... ...all the furniture. ... And custody of the ninety-eight cats.
Lawyers Lawyers , assistant indians assistant indians , When he said he wanted to speak to 'the man with the forked tongue', I assumed he meant a lawyer.
Effectiveness Fashion Retail Effectiveness Fashion Retail , chest chest , Chest, 68.
Newspapers , clean house , Please take your shoes off. I've just put down clean newspaper.
Fashion Service , Hat Check , I'm sorry, sir, I just can't Þnd yours anywhere.
Animals Pets Retail Sales , Goldfish fish , Is it OK if Vanessa chooses one for herself?
Children Education Effectiveness , CAT , Six minutes. OK .... You have five more minutes to finish drawing a map of the world. I'm gonna need more time and more paper. How far have you gotten? I'm up to the fish shop on the High Street.
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , Good grief, man. It's only a parking ticket!
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , , OK, Þve more minutes, then we'll go somewhere else.
Doctors Health , doctor medicine , I feel a lot better since I ran out of those pills you gave me.
Effectiveness Leisure Lodging Maintenance Marriage art , , So I said, 'If you wanted to do something useful around here, why don't you paint the fence'?
Food Marriage Food Marriage , bottle bottle , Your mother's been at my wine again.
Employment Ethics Food Employment Ethics Food , butler butler , Mildew, I'm not accusing you, but there's a grape missing.
Effectiveness Food Quality Service Effectiveness Food Quality Service , , There's less than a minute. That pizza place said if they don't deliver within 15 minutes, we get it free. They've got ten seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , Menu Menu , Catch of the day is the egg salad sandwich for $6.
Children Education Science Children Education Science , globe globe , Thank you, Burrows, for that descriptive insight into polluting the environment.
Employment Ethics Employment Ethics , Banking Banking , What d'you think, Harry? I've applied for a $12 million government grant. ... But for the proposed expansion I need an extra $5 million from your bank. Excuse me, Sir... Can you lend me 25 cents for a cup of coffee? GET A JOB!
Education Effectiveness , books library , Does that say, 'Learn to read in seven days'?
Science Science , cave cave men cavemen men cave cave men cavemen men , So much for your theory that the earth is round.
Animals Crime Leisure , Not Feed Dolphins police zoo , Detective Parker, zoo patrol.
Quality art , , He was only 35 years old when he did that one.
Food Holidays Marriage Retail Service , baker , Run out back and stick 'Happy Birthday' on that for me.
Employment Technology , CEO , I'm sure you've all been anxious to meet our new company chairman.
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , Have you got another menu? I can't afford anything on this one.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bunny rabbit psychiatry bunny rabbit psychiatry , You'd better cancel the rest of my appointments.
Diet Marriage Quality food Diet Marriage Quality food , , Do you have any special plans for this pork chop?
Animals Doctors Pets Animals Doctors Pets , Vet Vet , He'll be 42 years old next month.
Animals Pets Television Animals Pets Television , dog dog , Since he did that dog food commercial, he's been driving me crazy.
Fashion Retail Sales Fashion Retail Sales , Off Sale Off Sale , These are normally $1,000 shirts.
Children Marriage , child , Quick. Untie me, Maurice. Your mother's got my credit cards.
Children Dating Children Dating , boyfriend boyfriend , Is your daughter still in the same room?
Miscellaneous Science aliens Miscellaneous Science aliens , , These all suddenly disappeared about 2 million years ago.
Ethics , beggar charity finance , You name it. I'm collecting for it.
Education Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance , book ends library , I need some books about this wide.
, Estate House For Sale Real Real Estate Estate House For Sale Real Real Estate , Two bedrooms.
Government Military Sports Government Military Sports , crown history crown history , I just got a late score. Romans 2,168; Carthaginians 1,804.
Effectiveness Lodging Marriage Service Effectiveness Lodging Marriage Service , neighbor singer neighbor singer , The couple next door have gone away for the weekend. D'you wanna hear their singing telegram?
Animals Ethics Government , Customs bird , I told you not to open it.
Animals Effectiveness Leisure Animals Effectiveness Leisure , Buffalo zoo Buffalo zoo , Did you see which way the camel went?
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , bird bird , That, my friend, is a Tasmanian dive-bomber.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , , You really did it? I never thought I'd see you quit smoking. I guess that nicotine gum really works... It gets me over the rough spots. How long have you been chewing it? Seven and a half years...
Education Ethics , apples , OK class, here are your exam results.
Marriage , dwarf , We've got 50 photographs of our wedding and he's not in any of them.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Quality , , You work here? How long d'you think this light bulb will last? A bulb like that... in a warm, dry climate... sixty to a hundred years. ...Thereabouts. How long if I switch it on?
Food Restaurants Service Food Restaurants Service , MENU MENU , I'll have the steak. D'you want mashed potato, Fench Fries or baked? Mashed. We ran out. Baked. They're all gone. Fries. D'you want carrots, broccoli or peas?
Animals Food Science Animals Food Science , , D'you believe that? Scientists have predicted that in 387 million years... the anchovy will have the same intelligence as a present-day human. I never eat them anyway.
Farming Science , bench , Personally, I think it's all these chemicals they spray on the fruit.
Marriage Travel , husband , And don't let me Þnd out you're having a good time.
Ethics Food Service Ethics Food Service , cake cake , Anyone else like a cake?
Miscellaneous Travel aliens Miscellaneous Travel aliens , , NO CAPTION HITCH-HIKER UFO
Animals Food Animals Food , birds birds , Let's get some French fries with that.
Marriage Religion , bride , I can't listen to both of you at the same time.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , dog dog , I thought it was just one dog in the pet store.
Effectiveness Employment Safety Effectiveness Employment Safety , building building , You can go back, Johnson, we got the door open.
Effectiveness Leisure Quality Sports , club golf , These clubs are going back to the store. They're useless.
Crime Marriage , 373 prison , OK. I'll be back to pick you up in 25 years. What time?
Effectiveness Food Restaurants Effectiveness Food Restaurants , Menu Menu , I'll have a cheeseburger with everything on it except cheese.
Children , baby , Well, excuse me for being born.
Lodging Service aliens , Motel hotel , I've gotta see identiÞcation. You have some sort of pilot's license?
Health , Out Patients hospital , What are you here for?
Employment Restaurants , Dishwasher Wanted Apply Within , I told you this was a classy joint. I just hired a guy with a Ph.D.
Maintenance Marriage Safety Technology Television , , It's too bright! It's still too bright... Just hold on... I haven't done anything yet... Now it's too dark.
Doctors Service , doctor hospital operation , Anyone know where I can Þnd the gift shop?
Doctors Health Leisure Marriage , ball , Your wife's got a very bad case of sunburn on her tongue.
Death Insurance Marriage , husband , What would the 'widow's beneÞts' be, say, about six months from now?
Leisure Sales Service , Canoe Rental boating , I bet they'll try to keep our $5 deposit!
Lodging Marriage Miscellaneous , cactus , I wish you wouldn't sit so close to that cactus.
Children Technology , child , Grandpa gave me his transistor radio.
Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , footprint , I hope you're not walking across my clean ßoor.
Children Education , book , Thanks for doing my homework last night - now the teacher wants to put me back in first grade.
Food Quality Restaurants , cafe , Mix me up another four quarts of this coffee. I'd like to try it in my transmission.
Doctors Ethics , Cloning Research , You do realize I'm going to have to report this, Thompson?
Mail , Post Office , How much to throw this in the ocean?
Innovation Lodging Maintenance Marriage , husband , You won't be able to paint the ceiling like that.
Technology , Dishwasher Sale , How many dishes does it do to the gallon?
Holidays Marriage , coat , How do you feel about me going to my sister's for two weeks?
Banks Death , Banking Loans , He wants to borrow a million dollars to leave to his grandchildren.
Food Restaurants Service , coffee , Okay, three coffees for him. What do you two want?
Doctors Health , bed hospital , At these prices, I've got about 20 seconds to recover and get out the main gate.
Dating , book , Write your name and phone number in my little book and give yourself one-and-a-half stars.
Doctors Health , doctor , I get a real sharp pain when I do this.
Food Marriage Safety , cake , How many times have I told you not to run with a wedding cake?
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Quality Retail Service Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Quality Retail Service , , You the manager? I wanna get my money back on this tap.... What's wrong with it? Don't argue! It took me hours to install that lemon. Water didn't come out? Sure it came out. ...It came out for twenty minutes! ICE COLD..
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , Take that thing off your head or I'll Þne you for contempt.
Diet Food Health Diet Food Health , , Hey Chief.. Wanna bite of this hot dog? No thanks, I'm vegetarian. You speak very good English!
Lodging Marriage Safety Lodging Marriage Safety , , Here we go! They're at it again... He said her mother's cooking tasted like garbage.... Sit down. Listen... This is my early-warning system.... One of them threw the toaster last week! Oh no! Not the.... ..TV!
Doctors Health , doctor psychiatrist , Repeat after me: 'Hypnotherapy is worth $60 an hour.'
Grooming Marriage Quality , barber , If you're gonna complain, you can cut it yourself.
Effectiveness Retail Sales Technology , binoculars , Well look at that! The store across the street has the same binoculars for $15 less.
Children Doctors Ethics Health , child veterinarian , I know you're a veterinarian. Regular doctors won't touch him!
Quality Service Travel , Baggage Claim , We've lost your suitcase, but you get Þrst choice of any bag off the next arrival from Europe.
Effectiveness Employment Fashion , , Is everyone here? D'you mind if I ask why you're wearing women's clothes? Your letter said, "All applicants must wear a tag with their name and a dress". Name and ADDRESS. Miss Thompson.
Entertainment Marriage Television , , The game has been postponed.
Children Effectiveness Entertainment Children Effectiveness Entertainment , MANIAC MANIAC , How old are you? Is this supposed to be you? You don't look 26 years old to me, son.... Are you sure this I.D. doesn't belong to your brother? My brother's only eleven... Twelve!
Service Travel , bathing suit beach , I think you'll Þnd, Sir, our brochure says 'safe beach'. You must have gone into the ocean.
Doctors Health , doctor , I've got to Þnd a kidney that won't reject YOU.
Crime Education Lawyers , 1239 prison , So you left school in 1937 and became a bank robber. What happened after that?
Ethics Miscellaneous , Telephone , I gotta go. There's a guy waiting to use the phone.
Marriage , , I'm bored! I don't suppose you fancy a romantic stroll in the moonlight, do you? A what? A romantic stroll.... You know, moonlight.... fresh air.... Yeah!llll Why not? I'll be back in about an hour.
Lodging Marriage , chair , I'm going! Your house is always drafty.
Crime Lodging , burglar , They're out, but I'll tell them you stopped by.
Ethics Lodging , bed neighbor , The house next door is on Þre. D'you wanna watch?
Doctors Health Technology , Exray nurse , You don't have to smile for a chest X-ray.
Animals Doctors Health Pets , bandage parrot pirate , I gave your parrot a tranquilizer!
Banks Children , Bank Banking finance , You better make sure I get it all back by Friday.
Restaurants Service food , , Three times I've asked that waitress to bring you a fork.
Doctors Health , bed hospital , I told you not to try to adjust it yourself.
Diet Food Marriage , flowers , Too spicy?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bar , I told her, the day I do the dishes is the day the sky falls in.
Automobiles Effectiveness Fashion Automobiles Effectiveness Fashion , , Men are all the same! Don't look, Muriel... ..That's the third one who's whistled at me today.... He's waving! Animal. It's been like that all morning. TAXI.
Employment Restaurants Service , bunny , All the girls are off sick!
Dentistry Safety , dentist , WILL YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR ARMS DOWN!
Fashion , ashtray , Your hat's full of cigarette butts again!
Entertainment Service , crystal ball finance fortune fortune teller teller , If you want to know how you're going to make your Þrst million, it'll cost you another Þve bucks.
Holidays Marriage Technology , Happy Birthday birthday , It's a ßashlight. I couldn't find any candles.
Banks Service , Banking bank finance , Your account is $28 overdrawn.
Doctors Ethics Health , Exray hospital operation , Sorry about the two scars. We had your X-ray upside down for a while.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage art , , Is that the only nail we had?
Crime Marriage , Stamps , No wonder your brother never writes!
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , The jury has found you not guilty, but I'm going to give you 2 years just to be on the safe side.
Marriage Restaurants Service , Bus Stop , He's still there! I wish you wouldn't over-tip like that.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , carpet , You've laid the new rug!
Restaurants Safety , Birthday Cake , I put the candles on the cake like you said, and the box caught Þre.
Holidays Marriage , birthday , Quick! Your mother sent me a birthday present. Get a bucket of water.
Food Marriage Retail , Cashier , I didn't see that. Did you get him with the blueberry or the pecan?
Fashion Retail Sales , hat , They're wearing them low these days.
Children art , , He painted this one when he was only 2 years old.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , garden gardening , Did I say we had to plant them 4 feet deep? I meant 4 inches.
Effectiveness Quality Service , ball , You're right, I'm at the wrong house.
Philosophy Religion Science Philosophy Religion Science , , Life is a mystery! D'you believe in 'evolution' or 'creation'? Both. I think some men developed from early ape-like creatures.. ...and some were 'created'. That doesn't make any sense. You're just jealous!
Automobiles Crime Service , car , So anyway, I thought, you won't be back for 10 minutes. I'll grab a hot dog.
Health Philosophy , bus , Every major problem on this planet can be linked to overcrowding.
Lodging , attick neighbor , We can put all our old junk up here.
Doctors Health Safety , bed hospital , Your seatbelt saved you.
Animals Marriage Pets , bed dog , Are you wearing furry socks?
Entertainment Marriage Television , , I don't know how you can stay up all night and watch horror movies.
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , BOP BOP , Bop FORE.
Food Grooming Restaurants Service Food Grooming Restaurants Service , , You ready to order? I'm hungry.. but I'm not sure what I want. The steak looks good... So does the broiled lobster. D'you mind if I make a few suggestions? By all means. Why don't you wear a blue tie with that suit? ...And maybe get a haircut?
Innovation Marriage , husband , Try to think of something for me to invent.
Marriage , bed , I hope I'm facing in this direction when I wake up in the morning.
Automobiles Children Technology Automobiles Children Technology , , Will you get the phone? There's nobody there... Just a lot of heavy breathing! ...Still heavy breathing.. Give that to me... MORON Sidney's car broke down and he had to push it two miles to a gas station....
, Matches Matches , I didn't ask you if you smoked. I said, 'Do you need any matches'?
Children Education Food Marriage , child , You're eating her plaster model of Mount Everest!
Employment Technology Employment Technology , , What is it, Mildew? Sir, the men are worried about machines taking over their jobs. This is the twentieth century, Mildew.... We need machines but they will never replace humans. You have.... ...M... ..My...Word.. ..On......On... ....That.
Employment Ethics , Manager , I don't know if they told you outside but I never employ anyone over 5 feet tall.
Marriage diet , husband , I can't remember the last time you put your arm around me at the movies.
Philosophy Sales , beggar charity , If you don't buy one of these pencils, you're placing an unfair burden on the rest of society.
Entertainment Innovation Marriage Television , , I told you it wouldn't stay up there.
Food Marriage , dough , I bet your mother's pie wasn't as soft as that.
Doctors Health Newspapers Safety Doctors Health Newspapers Safety , bed bed , Keep those press and TV people out of here 'til we've had a chance to explain what's wrong with him.
Effectiveness Innovation Quality Technology Effectiveness Innovation Quality Technology , BOOM BOOM , What did you want me to do? Stand over there by the house. You're the 'Flight Director' for the duration of this mission.... One small step for man.. BOOM Want me to cancel the space-walk?
Crime Food Restaurants , Menu , Got a table for two near an emergency exit?
Children Employment Training , application , I'm so desperate for a job, I'll even start at the bottom if it's absolutely necessary.
Animals Miscellaneous Politics , Save , D'you wanna give any money to save Norwegian crocodiles?
Health Health , , Gotta keep in shape.. I jog about five miles every day.... I'm a vegetarian.. ...Don't smoke..... Don't drink. How old do you think I am? Forty-four. FORTY-FOUR! Are you trying to be funny? You sit there like a great sack of potatoes... and say 'FORTY-FOUR!' It just so happens... I'm FORTY-THREE!
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage , beach , This is how I like it.
Safety Sports , bandage boxing , What made you give up the 'fight game'?
Children Education , child , I gotta write a poem about Dad. What rhymes with 'el dummo'?
Effectiveness Lawyers Effectiveness Lawyers , , Raise your right hand. Repeat after me... I swear to tell the truth... I swerve to smell de soup... ..The whole truth... ..De toll-booth... ..And nothing but the truth. ..An nuts sing on de roof. Now tell us in your own words exactly what happened.
Crime Effectiveness Quality Crime Effectiveness Quality , counterfeit counterfeit , You left the 'w' out of 'twenty'!
Food Leisure Marriage Retail , fishing , I can't see any sense in this! We passed about 10 Þsh markets on the way here.
Effectiveness Marriage Sports , clubs golf , You can't putt 300 yards!
Doctors Effectiveness Health Marriage , doctor , You say you were helping your husband move furniture and it just 'locked'?
Leisure Marriage Sports , baseball baseball game , I wouldn't know a 'home run' if I saw one.
Animals Marriage Safety , aquarium whale zoo , They wouldn't let people stand here if it was dangerous.
Food Restaurants Service , cafe , If you want instant coffee, you'll have to wait!
Dentistry , dentist , Hold still! I dropped my little mirror.
Aliens Government Military Miscellaneous , UFO , We know you're in there! Don't be nervous.... You can come out now.... But keep your hands where we can see them. Right. Good Grief! How many of you are there? I'm on my own.
Newspapers , finance husband , The bottom's dropped out of the market. I've lost 18 bucks.
Children Marriage , baby birth child child birth , I told you on the phone she had a lot of hair.
Animals Lodging Marriage , elephant , It's some guy from the zoo.
Children , bald finance , There. Everybody owes me a dollar.
Friendship Lawyers Marriage , court judge justice , You're not making any sense! First you say your wife ran off with your best friend and then you tell us you never actually met the guy.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bandage , That too tight?
Crime Effectiveness Health , axe history , It's been postponed. He's got a headache.
Automobiles Children Innovation , child , You told me to use my initiative if I needed money, so I sold your car.
Friendship Miscellaneous , Real Estate , Why do you keep looking up at the sky? I just keep wishing I could see a U.F.O. ...I wonder if they exist? The theory I prefer is that's us hundreds of years in the future.... and we've found a way to break back thru the time-barrier... No! That's really incredible! I wonder what they're doing here? Probably buying up real estate.
Children Lawyers Leisure , baby , If we don't go to the zoo tomorrow, you'd better get yourself a good lawyer.
Children Entertainment Leisure Safety , Ring The Bell fair , Try again, sir; that was my foot.
Doctors Effectiveness Employment Health , butler jogging , Albert, the doctor says I need more exercise. I want you to start jogging for me.
Dentistry , Dentist , Grab his legs!
Children Philosophy Children Philosophy , , Do you like riddles? Sure. If a tree falls in the middle of an uninhabited forest.... ..Does it make a sound? Of course it does! NO. A falling tree merely creates a shock-wave in the surrounding air.... This would become 'sound', as we know it, only if and when it disturbs the hearing mechanism or a living organism.... ...Or possibly a substitute ear, such as a microphone. Did you watch the game last night?
Health doctors , hospital operation , I'm still awake, you know!
Entertainment Ethics Health Marriage , courtesy manners movie , Use your handkerchief.
Employment , boss retirement , It's been brought to my attention that you retired from here 30 years ago. What gives you the nerve to draw a pension all that time?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , chair , Sorry, did I disturb you?
Travel aliens , , I've just seen those big lumpy things since we got here - but so far, no real people.
Children Doctors Employment Health , bed , While you're taking time off from work, just remember where you got the germs.
Automobiles Safety Training , Driving School , What's the hand signal for backing onto a freeway?
Marriage Religion , bride , Dearly beloved, as this is John's third wedding and Betty's second, I'll make the service as brief as possible.
Animals Death Pets Animals Death Pets , Vet dog Vet dog , He won't eat!
Doctors Health Marriage , doctor hospital operation , Your wife is still under the anesthetic and from what I've heard, this would be the best time to see her.
Safety Sports , coach football , Nice tackle, Ron! I think you'll make the team.
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage Safety , accidents bath , I manage to take a shower every day without stepping on the soap.
Food Restaurants , Menu , Look at these crazy names on this menu! What for instance is an 'elk-burger'?
Animals Marriage Pets , bird birdcage , Thanks for changing the bird seed while I was away.
Effectiveness Employment , boss retirement , Get this straight! If people only retire when they're no longer productive, you should've gone 10 years ago!
Automobiles Lodging Safety Automobiles Lodging Safety , CRASH CRASH , This is the life! There's nothing nicer than a long hot soak to get away from the frenzy of the rat race..... A man's gotta have one place on this planet where can truly relax..... An island of solitude in a world full of loonies... CRASH Missed my turn!
Entertainment Marriage Television , , It says 'parental guidance recommended.' You gonna call your mother?
Children Fashion Innovation , child , I'm making her a coat the same as yours.
Grooming Health Marriage , husband , I haven't changed much since I was 18, have I?
Animals Marriage Pets Television , , How am I supposed to watch television when he's always wearing my glasses?
Automobiles Marriage Automobiles Marriage , , Is that you? What happened to the car? It's in the driveway. ALL FOUR WHEELS ARE MISSING!!! Someone vandalized it when I was down at the supermarket... I didn't notice anything until I got home... You didn't notice anything... And DROVE home!!! I thought it felt lower.
Dating Ethics Science , Ralph , If my dad asks you what you do for a living, say you're a marine biologist.
Animals Pets Service Television , , Can you send someone over? The TV's making a high-pitched whistling sound.
Crime Food Crime Food , , What's the word? It's all set... I'm going over the wall at midnight. Make sure you remember everything. Don't worry. I've got it all written down. You'd better go over it one last time... Two hundred and seven cheeseburgers... Eighty-nine hot-dogs... And one hundred and ninety-two fries.
Entertainment Innovation Leisure , drink , You mustn't stand here looking so bored. You're supposed to be having a good time!
Marriage , broom , There's a guy at the door who wants to know what I think of 'sexual equality.' What do you want me to tell him?
Miscellaneous , bank finance history , Gold's gone up to 87 cents an ounce!
Employment Ethics , bed , Take a look up the road and see if my boss is coming. A little ugly guy with a bald head.
Effectiveness Government Safety , Swimming police , I guess you don't read so good.
Children Leisure Safety Travel , beach , Dig up your father or you won't get any ice cream.
Banks , Banking Loan finance , A car or boat, maybe; I'm not lending you money for groceries.
Health , hospital nurse , You're not drinking your water!
Effectiveness Service Training Effectiveness Service Training , , The crystal ball never lies. I see you taking a plane trip in the very near future... You're right! You just bought some new, expensive, lightweight luggage. Right again! I see it covered in dust and surrounded by a load of camels. I'm flying to Chicago! Your bags are going to Istanbul.
Ethics Lawyers Marriage Ethics Lawyers Marriage , , Do you agree that she should get the car? I do. Should it become necessary, do you agree that the house be sold and the proceeds split fifty-fifty? I do. Do you both agree that divorced parents should each have access to their children? Yes. Yes. Would you ever demand more than half of his income? No. ...Then I now pronounce you man and wife.
Food Retail , Coffee police security , Richest blend in the world.
, can can , Can't you tell the difference between bug-killer and spray paint?
Innovation Lodging Safety , chain saw neighbor , What was that clown next door saying about building a new closet?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , fence , The forecast said there's a 50% chance of rain, so he's watering half the lawn.
Farming Lodging , Estate Real Real Estate arrow , You the young fella thinking of buying the farm?
Doctors Health , doctor nurse , Just the usual full-moon crowd.
Food Marriage , dinner , I was gonna give you fresh garden peas but I couldn't Þnd the can opener.
Death Doctors Health , cabinet , I Þnally tracked down your records. I had them in the 'dead' Þle.
Crime Ethics Lawyers Crime Ethics Lawyers , , This should be interesting... He's a good defense lawyer. ...Sixty-eight consecutive acquitals.. However, this time, I think he's had it. I know him... He's gonna come up with something. We'll see. Your honor..... At precisely 8:30 p.m. on the night of August 10th 1980... When the alleged crime took place... This man was at my house..... Playing cards.
Animals Food Marriage Restaurants , alcohol , I told you to sip it.
Holidays Quality Service Travel , concierge hotel , This room you gave me overlooking the ocean. Is that the PaciÞc, or the Atlantic?
Health Marriage Safety , Wards hospital , WHAT ARE YOU BLAMING ME FOR?
Sales , Brush , I thought for a minute there you were Cindy Crawford.
Leisure Marriage Travel , camera , Move over a bit. I can't see the Grand Canyon.
Animals Pets , bed spider tarantula , Will you get your cat off this bed!
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , Aaagh He's hurt his back, doctor. Nothing to worry about... It's just a pulled muscle. This is usually the result of a sudden unnatural movement. What were you doing? We were in a restaurant with some friends... He was reaching for the check!
Banks , Bank Banking finance , Close the account? You mean you want to withdraw the whole 90 cents?
, egg egg , Move your foot. I think you're standing on a fried egg!
Food Health Quality Restaurants , Menu , I didn't like the look of that fish.
Leisure Marriage Television , , I wish you wouldn't keep reading while I'm trying to watch TV.
Children Education , child , Teacher says if I don't do well at school, I'll end up like you.
Effectiveness Safety Sports , archer archery history , Did you see where that one went?
Lodging Marriage aliens , neighbor , Harry across the street says we've got a big silver thing parked on our roof.
Animals Friendship Lodging Quality , deer , It looks better in the other room.
, bandages bandages , Does he bite?
Animals Leisure Marriage , Gorilla zoo , Turn this way a little bit?
Effectiveness Marriage Retail Effectiveness Marriage Retail , Bus Stop Bus Stop , May I help you, Sir? He wants to surprise his wife with a pair of 'designer jeans'.
Doctors Health Marriage Safety , bed hospital , You shouldn't upset your wife like that.
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , I'm putting you on probation. That means no more robberies for 12 months.
Children Effectiveness Safety Service , barber , My future father-in-law says you're the best hairstylist in town.
, bed bed , Look, as soon as a private room becomes available, you'll get one.
Marriage Quality Retail , earrings , At least try the earrings! This lot cost me $6.
Animals Pets , dog , His bark's a lot worse than his bite.
, doctor , As soon as you feel a headache coming on, give your wife two of these.
Quality Service , saw , Piano movers!
Diet Food Retail Diet Food Retail , , Instant oats... Instant tea. One minute rice... Instant coffee.. Instant mashed potato... Instant breakfast. Check-out
Dating Marriage , bench , I can't marry you 'til both of my divorces are finalized.
Retail Sales Service , Sale , Linda, those pants we had on sale - were they machine washable?
Aliens Food Quality Service Technology Travel Aliens Food Quality Service Technology Travel , alien alien , You've come 50 billion miles and all you can tell me is, 'Stick the meat in the Þre; it'll taste better'?
Entertainment Television , actor , Hidden camera commercial, take 9.
Diet Food Lodging Marriage Diet Food Lodging Marriage , , Same old Sunday. Can you smell something burning? Probably. D'you think we should call the fire department? Wait thirty seconds. 27..28...29...Thirty. Your dinner's ready.
Children Education Employment Children Education Employment , child child , I'd like to be a teacher but not on your salary.
, criminal criminal , I'll take a check if you've got some identiÞcation.
, Isaac Newton Isaac Newton , As soon as someone discovers gravity, they'll all hit the ground.
Leisure Marriage Safety , Danger Quicksand , We can use this as a picnic table.
Children Philosophy Science Technology , child , When they invented the Þrst clock, how did they know what time to set it?
Animals Health Pets Animals Health Pets , , RALPHY. C'mon, Ralphy... You need more exercise... Fetch it. Ralphy.... Get the stick. Ralphy, 'SIT'. Gimme a break, will ya?
, child , Whiplash!
Effectiveness Employment Ethics Marriage , , You wanted to see me, Sir? What's going on, Wilson? Someone claiming to be your wife just called and said you wouldn't be in today because you'd twisted your ankle. Probably a prankster, Sir. Where are you? I told you to call... ...TOMORROW.
Health Service , Hospital nurse , Emergency is next door.
Entertainment Television , , The television won't be Þxed 'til next Friday.
Children Marriage , daughter engagement , When I was your age, I had an engagement ring that squirted water.
Animals Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , floor , Look at my rug! I told you not to put exploding cheese down the mouseholes.
Grooming Marriage , face , Don't look straight in the mirror this morning. Sneak up on it.
Animals Marriage Pets , aquarium fish gold gold fish , I was going to feed your tropical Þsh but the cat saved me the trouble.
Marriage , bed , Wake up. I heard a crash!
Music , camera , Can you play 'Shine on Harvest Moon'?
Animals Effectiveness Marriage Pets , hoop turtle , Your dinner's getting cold.
Food Marriage , pizza , D'you want that slice of pizza you didn't eat last week?
Animals Death Pets , cat , Your Aunt Mabel has left you everything if you promise to look after her cat.
Effectiveness Military , , Custer. General Custer's coming.... Pass it on. General Custer's on his way... Pass it on. Custer. Custer's coming... Pass it on.
Innovation Technology Travel Innovation Technology Travel , , He's up! Man's first powered flight. This is history. Wow! Nearly a whole minute in the air. He doesnt look too happy... What's the problem, Orville? He's lost his suitcase.
Leisure Marriage Sports , dishes golf , It's not gonna kill you to help with the dishes once in a while.
Food Marriage Quality , bowl , You can't rush my chunky stew.
Employment Quality , boss , Sorry I'm late. I got caught in trafÞc.
Retail Sales Sales Training Service Technology , Program , This attachment will slide into the customer's pocket and suck out $260.
Miscellaneous , bully finance , I need change. Give me two twenties for this Þve.
Holidays Marriage , birthday , Mother's sent you a coloring book for your birthday.
Health Lodging Marriage , bed hospital , Can I bring the laundry up here?
Restaurants Travel , London , You'll love this place. Palm trees, sandy beaches and 2,000 restaurants.
Animals Mail Pets , Stamps , Don't spill this; it's goldÞsh.
Children Marriage Music Television , child , Please let him watch TV.
Advertising Entertainment Innovation Marriage Restaurants , Eat , What's wrong with me picking up a few extra bucks on the way to the movies?
Doctors Health , bed hospital nurse , I hate giving these injections. Look at my hands shaking.
Banks , Banking bank finance , Why do I get the feeling that if I drop this check it'll jump up and break the window?
Children , child , I hope I don't look like you when I'm your age.
Food Marriage , breakfast , Don't forget the syrup.
Employment Religion , Strike , We're demanding more work and less food.
Lodging Marriage Safety , Stop , What's the big idea sticking this on the back wall of the garage?
Children Lodging , child , Didn't I tell you not to jump around upstairs.
Food Restaurants Service , cafe , Joyce, give this guy a second cup of coffee. He found my car keys.
Entertainment Technology Television Entertainment Technology Television , , This is the best time of the day. I wonder what people did all evening before they invented fire! Look at those colors! That's pretty.. What's on tonight? Hickory... at the moment... ...Then we're having pine cones at 8 o'clock... spruce logs at 9:30 then oak chips before bedtime.
Dating Marriage Dating Marriage , , I found some of your old letters... I remember this one.... You said if I didn't marry you, you were going to join the Foreign Legion. 'My future happiness depends upon your decision', you wrote... My mother said a life of boredom and deprivation would do you good... Dad said he thought I should marry you. He always agreed with her.
Fashion Marriage Travel , bathing , Are you taking your bikini?
Animals Pets , dog , There's nothing wrong with him. He just does that to make me look stupid.
Entertainment Marriage Television , , I can't enjoy a comedy with you laughing all the way through it.
Children Education , apple , I'm not worried about earning a living - I want to teach.
Doctors Health , disease , If it doesn't itch, don't worry about it.
Employment accounting , boss finance , They got me for $28 tax last year. How did you make out?
Grooming Marriage , His , Can't you answer the front door while I'm cooking?
Children Travel Children Travel , , Okay... One last time... Tent... Sleeping bags... Matches... Chocolate ice cream... Salami... Pickles... Maps... Spaghetti... Compass... Cookies... Spoons... Assorted nuts.. Bread.. Cheese.. I hope we haven't forgotten anything. If anyone needs me for a couple of months... I'll be out in the back yard.
Animals Religion Animals Religion , , Is that you? I can't find either of the elephants! I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Noah, but the female fell over the side in the storm. Where's the other one? He's out there somewhere, in a rowboat...
Safety Training , parachute , As it's your Þrst jump, we'll see if we can Þnd you a better parachute.
Crime Lawyers , cell prison , You've been paroled.
Effectiveness Food Marriage , celery , Is that how you eat celery?
Government Marriage Politics Government Marriage Politics , , My family always was political. My sister's on a hunger strike to protest the arms race. ...And guess who'e going to address the General Assembly of the United Nations in a plea for sanity... Guess... Probably the manager of her local supermarket.
Dentistry Marriage , dentures , Your mother left her teeth in our bathroom. They're just starting to slow down now!
Art Art , Sale , This one's called 'Here Comes the Sun'.
Lodging , door , I guess you were out back.
Children Entertainment Television Children Entertainment Television , , Were you asleep? Sorry to get you out of bed.... There's a movie on channel seven... ..Young couple.... ...seeks adventure in the big city... Yeah, I know... It says 'Parental Guidance Recommended.' Whaddya think? Thanks, Mom! She said I can watch it.
Dating Marriage Safety , bandage , I told you not to ask me to dance.
Dating Marriage Restaurants , Menu , I brought you here, Agnes, to ask you to marry me.
, Hat Check , You forgot to tip her.
Banks Crime , Banking bank , He doesn't have an account with us.
Children Crime , Ice , Where d'you keep the bubblegum?
Children Marriage , Bus Stop finance , Your father lost a dollar here in 1987.
Marriage Service Technology Television , , Folks, the main reason you're not getting a good picture is because you bought yourselves a microwave oven.
Advertising Grooming Marriage Advertising Grooming Marriage , WHACKO WHACKO , No more washday blues... When my husband comes home from work, he's covered in grease. Grease and dirt on his shirt... on his pants... in his socks... and yes, even on his underwear... Luckily, I now have the all-new, powerful.... ... 'Whacko'.
Quality Restaurants Service , Menu , This 'Bottled in 1835' is written in ballpoint pen.
Effectiveness Health Marriage , bath , Feeling any better after a hot bath?
Diet Food Marriage , bowl , He likes the milk more than the cornflakes.
Doctors Ethics Health , couch psychiatrist psychiatry , It's a real treat to talk to someone who doesn't keep laughing.
Automobiles Crime Employment , Banking bill collector , Hey, boss! This cute little fella wants to know why we're three years behind with the car payments.
Marriage Retail Sales , Each , I'll pay for them and we'll call it your birthday present.
Retail Safety , accident , She came straight out of 'Jams and Jellies' without signaling.
Food Marriage Quality , burned , Is that chicken too well cooked for you?
Diet Food Holidays Marriage Quality , christmas , This your idea of a good old-fashioned Christmas - turkey pizza?
Aliens Dating Marriage Miscellaneous Aliens Dating Marriage Miscellaneous , UFO UFO , I've heard it all before. Don't worry about it. It's the same all over the universe. On one planet, for instance... Men and women.... ... Are only allowed to talk on alternate days.
Effectiveness Food Retail Safety , alarm , Have you got a smoke alarm I can switch off while I'm cooking?
Leisure Marriage Sports Leisure Marriage Sports , fishing fishing rod fishing fishing rod , He's lost his worm again.
Innovation Music children , , Golden hits of yesteryear ... one dollar.
Animals Grooming Marriage Pets , bathing cap dog , I don't care if it's his birthday! I want him out.
Diet Food Health , cafe , Any diet drinks?
Children Retail , Bazoo , What you've got to ask yourself is, 'Do I feel lucky?'
Employment , birthday , Happy birthday, boss. All the guys got together and bought you a new padlock for your wallet.
, candy candy , Great checkup! Have some candy.
Miscellaneous Safety , Elevator , ELEVATOR
Employment , bum , I'm 65 today! I guess I'm retired.
Animals Effectiveness Holidays Pets Retail Service Animals Effectiveness Holidays Pets Retail Service , , Not a turtle. A parrot... No, no! I said a parrot.... I want to buy my wife a parrot.... A gift for Christmas. Green parrot... Preferably with plenty of feathers.... No rats. You don't have a parrot, do you? Alright, Snyder... I'll take over.
Retail Sales , cashier , I'm charging you a dollar for whatever it is you've got in your mouth.
Retail Service Technology , Watch Repairs While , Take a seat. It'll take about two days.
Quality Service Television , Movers , Where do you want the TV?
Employment Safety , bandages , He wants to quit lion taming.
Animals Effectiveness Science Animals Effectiveness Science , , Deee-licious. No more Links. What's a 'Link'? You know! Those animals that look half like a human and half like a gorilla. What about them? We just ate the last one.
Diet Food Health Marriage Diet Food Health Marriage , , That's lunch... It's a piece of lettuce and a slice of onion!!! Don't blame me! Your diet says, 'No meat, no dairy products... ... and no bread. So what's this? A cheeseburger.
Children Holidays , child , You're a lot uglier than your pictures.
Animals Pets Retail Safety , Piranha fish , Put those back!
Marriage Safety , bum , Oh, good! Is that my other knitting needle?
Animals Pets , Bruno dog , Take a look in here! Five bags of mail, two sets of encyclopedias and a brand-new vacuum cleaner.
Education Employment Newspapers Education Employment Newspapers , , What a life! High school diploma... and I've been out of work for two years. There's a guy here, started washing dishes and made ten million bucks with a chain of restaurants. ...With a grade three education! That could be your problem, right there. You're overqualified...
Health Leisure Sports , Equipment exercise , He wants to buy an exercise bicycle with a motor on it.
Doctors Friendship Health , bed hospital , What happened to your face? They said you'd hurt your foot.
Crime Holidays , bed burglar , He put our clock radio in his sack!
Education Employment , brain , You did very well on your IQ test!
Effectiveness Fashion Marriage Quality , hat , I told you to get it dry cleaned.
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , We're short of plates!
Animals Friendship Health Pets , leash , He gets me out for a little exercise!
Ethics Food Quality Restaurants Service Ethics Food Quality Restaurants Service , , Waiter. What do you think of the Dover Sole? I wouldn't eat it.... Spaghetti any good? It's your stomach. How about... delicious, ...home made... steak.... and kidney PIE? How long will it take? I live twenty minutes away.
Crime Lawyers , court , Your honor, my client is the product of a broken home.
Crime Government , meter man police , I'm still going to give you a parking ticket.
Innovation , cavemen history , Are you coming hunting with us or you gonna sit here all day inventing?
Art Quality , artist , Is it OK if I scratch my ear?
Doctors Health , doctor , I Þnally discovered why you're limping. You lost the heel off your shoe.
Food Marriage , bread , Why didn't you say you wanted a sandwich while I was in the kitchen?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage Service , broken , You forgot to pay the window cleaner again!
Safety , arrow history indians , I was cleaning it!
Doctors Health , Exray hospital , I've got the results of your X-rays.
Doctors Employment Health Safety , doctor , And in recognition of your 20 years loyal service in the X-ray department...
Animals Leisure Marriage Safety , aligator , It'll go away if you stop staring at it.
Innovation Lodging , Estate Real Real Estate architect architecture history , Whaddya mean, it's only a model? How much bigger d'you wanna build it?
Employment , boss , I hope you're not after another pay raise.
Food Marriage Safety , Boom Cereal , This one goes 'snap, crackle, BOOM.
Animals Pets , carrot dog rabbit , What sort of dog eats carrots?
Aliens Effectiveness Miscellaneous Science Aliens Effectiveness Miscellaneous Science , , Boy! The things I remember. There used to be a race of people on Mars once... ...One year, they had a terrible flood.... One old man saw it coming. ...... Built a great big wooden ship..... ..Spent years loading it with every species on the planet. ..One of each.
Grooming Television , , How much longer are you gonna sit in the bath?
Animals Food Health Marriage Pets , cooking dog , I don't know how you manage to eat all my cooking and never put on any weight.
Children Marriage Quality , cage , So this is your idea of babysitting?
children , , We went to the museum.
Children Grooming , child , Grandma, I can see where Dad gets his whiskers!
Effectiveness Ethics Friendship , friend , He still owe you that twenty bucks?
Aliens Miscellaneous Aliens Miscellaneous , GASSO UFO GASSO UFO , You open? ..Down a bit more.. ...About another two feet... Hold it! What do we want 'Regular' or 'Super'?
Animals Health Pets , Vet dog , You have my word of honor, Dudley, it's only a rabies shot!
Aliens Miscellaneous Newspapers Aliens Miscellaneous Newspapers , , I found a human newspaper down at the picnic area. Anything about us in it?
Effectiveness Quality Retail Sales , salesman , That one closes automatically!
Crime Lawyers , 373 judge justice prison , The judge gave my lawyer Þve years before he even got around to me!
Entertainment Friendship Television , movie , If they ever edit this for television, it'll run about two minutes.
Quality Safety Travel , 747 airplane , Anyone here ßy a 747?
Marriage Marriage , , It's my anniversary. I was married twenty years ago today! Have you been happy? Very happy. ....After the first eighteen months. Has your wife been happy? I think so.... She remarried and had nine kids!
Doctors Health Sports , broken skiing , I'd like a second opinion.
Animals Marriage Pets , 137 dog , Is this the Þrst time he's been outside today?
Music , maestro , It's the Þrst time he's played with the Boston Symphony.
Automobiles Quality Safety Service , car seat , Your car's being recalled. Something to do with the seatbelts.
Animals Marriage Pets Quality food , dog , The dog not hungry?
Effectiveness Quality Retail Service , 387 , Number FOUR.
Fashion Sales Sports , boots fishing , How much do you want for these brown ones?
Dating , boyfriend finance , Why would I marry you for your money? There must be easier ways for me to get my hands on 45 bucks!
Doctors Employment Health , doctor , How long have you been on the night shift?
Children Philosophy Science aliens , , Dad, do you think there are people on other planets?
Children Lodging , child , You can rent out my room and send me the money.
Marriage Miscellaneous Technology , grass , Hold on! I've dropped my contact lens.
Animals Lodging Quality , , What's happening, Sid? You know, SIdney, I've been sitting here thinking.... ...Two thousand people per day look through those bars..... At three bucks a piece.. ... That's six grand.. ...Each and every day! Forty thousand dollars a week... With early closing on Sundays. Over two million a year... Excluding the gift shop. ... And they give me a lousy 'Retread'!
Diet Marriage Retail Service food , , You can't buy one lettuce anymore. You have to get a package of 10.
Marriage Travel , baseball bat , You can go to Las Vegas if you're lucky enough to make it through this door.
Crime Holidays Lawyers , 231639 prison , An 80-year sentence is not so bad - with good behavior you can be out by Christmas.
Health Leisure Marriage Travel , beach , Did you remember to bring my suntan oil?
Quality Service Television , , I'm well aware it's still under warranty.
Quality Restaurants Service , customer , Waiter! There's a four-letter word in this alphabet soup.
Doctors Ethics Health Sales , ABEGDCFGO , What you're looking at, my friend, could make you a very rich man.
Lodging Safety Sales , bed burglar security , Pssst...D'you wanna buy a burglar-proof lock?
Children Employment Service , child finance , My dad says I can't baby-sit for less than $100 an hour.
Animals Diet Food Quality Retail , butcher zebra , You sure that's beef?
Effectiveness Food Philosophy Politics , , Excuse me, Sir... Sir...How would you describe Peace? No war, I suppose. ...Tranquility... And you, madame, what does peace mean to you? Love, happiness. Helping one another for a change.... Sir... describe Peace for me. Small.... round... green... vegetables.
Food Marriage Safety , gas mask neighbor , The guy who lives across the street wants to know what you're cooking.
Marriage aliens , bed , Boy! I'm glad you're still awake. I was captured by a UFO and taken to another planet.
Marriage Religion , bride , Can I make a phone call before I commit myself?
Diet Food Health Marriage Diet Food Health Marriage , , D'you want this dinner in front of the TV? There's a guy at work who eats nothing but natural food... ..56 years old. ...Not an ounce of fat on him... He keeps telling me. "You are what you eat." "You are what you eat," he says. You should remember that next time you go grocery shopping. I'll get some boneless chicken.
Animals Leisure Marriage , , Get a move on... Don't just sit there staring into space... Clean up this mess. I don't know why you can't do anything without being told twice. How much longer are you going to shake that tablecloth?
Crime Government Service Crime Government Service , , Marvelous thing technology We spend billions of dollars launching spy-satellites... Highly trained observers watch everything that moves inside the Soviet Union Meanwhile, back here, I get mugged in broad daylight ... and it takes me two hours to find a cop
Effectiveness Employment Health Effectiveness Employment Health , chest nurse chest nurse , How do you spell 'escapologist'?
Food Service Food Service , , I'm so hungry They're so cheap. I'm not staying here for breakfast I'M STARVING Will you keep your voice down They can't hear me... ...They're in the kitchen counting cornflakes
Animals Ethics Science , dog , Wagstaff, these experiments have got to stop.
Quality Retail Quality Retail , china shop china shop , I'd like to see a set of your unbreakable dishes.
Fashion Quality Retail Sales Fashion Quality Retail Sales , Suit Sale Suit Sale , You're like my brother-in-law. He's got short arms.
Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage Effectiveness Entertainment Marriage , mustache mustache , I hear your husband is a ventriloquist.
Travel Travel , airplane airplane , You'll be pleased to know, madame, we just landed safely at the airport.
Fashion Friendship Marriage Fashion Friendship Marriage , coat coat , Cost me $60 and she only wore it twice.
Effectiveness Entertainment Miscellaneous Effectiveness Entertainment Miscellaneous , crystal ball fortune fortune teller teller crystal ball fortune fortune teller teller , My goodness! It says in another month, I'll be charging $20 a visit.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , couch psychiatry , When are you gonna start facing reality?
Children Children , baby birth child child birth baby birth child child birth , Not him?!
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , dog dog , Take up the slack.
Doctors Education Effectiveness Science Doctors Education Effectiveness Science , doctor doctor , I hear you're giving a series of lectures on body-building.
Art Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage Art Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , house house , I see you Þnally Þxed the crack in the wall.
Dentistry , dentist , Will you quit whimpering? I'm cleaning my glasses!
Effectiveness Lodging Sales Effectiveness Lodging Sales , bug spray bug spray , I don't normally buy bug spray at the door, but the one we're using obviously doesn't work.
, Goldfish Toast Fresh Goldfish Toast Fresh , Well, I sure wasn't making any money as a pet store.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , 1209 prison 1209 prison , D'you want the name of a good lawyer?
Fashion Fashion Retail Sales Fashion Fashion Retail Sales , Shoes Shoes , That's the last pair I have in those!
Lodging Maintenance Television Lodging Maintenance Television , , Does he ever get out of that chair? What's he watching? He loves these programs where they show you how to fix things around the house. When did he ever fix anything around the house? He never does... ...But he likes watching someone else do it.
Leisure Marriage Leisure Marriage , cards husband cards husband , I got her in a poker game. I had a pair of eights and the other guy had three jacks.
Effectiveness Employment Music Effectiveness Employment Music , assistant assistant , D for Destiny's Child, E for Eminem, A for Alanis and R for Rolling Stones.
Automobiles Miscellaneous , bum police , A spot of car trouble, ofÞcer. My chauffeur's gone for a tow truck.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed hospital bed hospital , I spoke to the doctor. He said you're taking too much iron.
Leisure Sports , ball golf , Now, let's see. You say yours has three little blue dots on it?
Food Grooming Food Grooming , bath bath , Keep shufßing your feet around. I don't want these vegetables to stick.
Food Restaurants , Menu , I'll have your red snapper, white potatoes and green beans. D'you have any orange carrots?
Leisure Marriage Safety Leisure Marriage Safety , Danger Minefield Danger Minefield , What are you doing now? Throw the Frisbee.
Animals Ethics Pets Safety , bandage bird , I brought him over because I want him to apologize.
Children Grooming Children Grooming , arrows arrows , What time do those kids go to bed?
Children Lodging Sales Children Lodging Sales , armour armour , George ... Have we got 900 rolls of this 'imitation stone'?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , RUOKTMBXZE , I'm-Þne-how-are-you?
Friendship Marriage Music Friendship Marriage Music , door door , Is your wife still taking singing lessons?
Banks Quality Service Banks Quality Service , Banking Information Banking Information , I suppose you heard about that blonde who used to work at the bank...
Children Education , class history , If he had six wives, how come there was no Henry the Ninth?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , cow cow , I can't help you if you're just going to sit there mooing.
Animals Marriage Safety , bug insect , Something just landed on my back!
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , , Excuse the intrusion... I truly apologize for my golf ball landing on your living room rug. I'm very embarrassed about it, believe me. I'll pay for the window... ...and be out of here in a few minutes. TAKE THE FLAG OUT.
Lawyers Marriage Lawyers Marriage , , What can I do for you? We want to draw up a marriage contract. He mustn't earn less than $40,000 per year. He takes care of the housework and gardening on weekends. I need two vacations each year. No watching television after 9:00 P.M. Do you think I could have a word with your fiancŽ in private?
Animals Training Pets Training Animals Training Pets Training , Dog Center dog Dog Center dog , He's out! Can I take a message?
Marriage Newspapers Marriage Newspapers , , Pay attention Are you listening? You never look at me when I'm talking to you! LOOK AT ME! Oh, no! I thought I married Muriel Baker...
Grooming Grooming , barber barber , Did you have your hair done at that new place on Market street?
Children Children , baby baby , I just hope that's not the water you had your teeth in!
Entertainment Friendship Leisure Marriage Entertainment Friendship Leisure Marriage , ball bowling ball bowling , Listen, Ron, I'm not going bowling tonight.
Construction Employment Construction Employment , application application , He doesn't have a diploma, but he does have carpentry experience.
Crime Lawyers aliens Crime Lawyers aliens , judge judge , What do you mean, you don't recognize this court?
Effectiveness Grooming Effectiveness Grooming , mirror mirror , They hung this mirror upside-down.
Children Education Children Education , child child , Which parent do you want to sign it: my mother, my stepfather, my mother's third husband, or my natural father's fourth wife who lives with us?
Ethics Lawyers Ethics Lawyers , , Where's your lawyer? I don't have a lawyer, your Honor. A man who defends himself has a fool for a client. I just came here to tell the truth... the whole truth and nothing but... What are you.. A wise guy?
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , application application , Forty words per minute doesn't include spelling.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , King Kong King Kong , Table for two ... name of 'Kong.'
Employment Employment , Town Planners Strike union Town Planners Strike union , NO CAPTION TOWN PLANNERS ON STRIKE
Children Miscellaneous Technology aliens Children Miscellaneous Technology aliens , , The computer says it'll probably try to stick that rubber thing in your mouth.
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , boss boss , Is it true you like your employees to speak their minds, Big Nose?
Health Lodging Maintenance Marriage Health Lodging Maintenance Marriage , dishes dishes , You're getting overheated. Go outside in the fresh air and clean the windows.
Farming Safety Farming Safety , arrow indians arrow indians , Keep your head down, Billy-Joe.
Grooming Lodging Marriage Grooming Lodging Marriage , bathroom bathroom , I wish you would put your razor away.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , fish fish , Got any more of those blue-and-white striped ones that taste like tuna?
Miscellaneous Travel aliens Miscellaneous Travel aliens , police police , I'm gonna let you go this time, but stick to the speed limit.
Automobiles Quality Service Automobiles Quality Service , auto mechanic auto mechanic , This isn't the correct water pump, but I'll make it Þt.
Employment , applicant , I gave up two hours of sleep to apply for this job!
Food Food , , I've been watching you... A hundred years ago, if your great-grandmother had had a craving for something "oniony", she would have eaten an onion... Five minutes ago, you told me you fancied something "oniony"... You've eaten three onion rolls... A jar of onion dip... ...And four pounds of onion flavoured chips.
Crime Diet Food Marriage , 373 prison , My stomach's having a tough time getting used to good food.
Animals Mail Pets , , Let go, sweetheart, and Mommy will give you this bone.
Grooming Service Grooming Service , Haircut barber Haircut barber , Just cut off a dollar's worth.
Innovation Science Technology Innovation Science Technology , bartender bartender , D'you know how many people are hit by lighting every year?
Advertising Animals Food Pets Television Advertising Animals Food Pets Television , Woof dog Woof dog , Come on. You were all excited when you saw it on TV.
Art Crime Lawyers Art Crime Lawyers , cell prison cell prison , Don't let George scare you. He's in for art forgery.
Retail Sales Retail Sales , appliance appliance , You'd better hurry up and decide. The warranty runs out in 15 minutes.
Doctors Effectiveness Ethics Health Doctors Effectiveness Ethics Health , chart chart , I used to have a bigger eye chart, but I wasn't making any money.
Doctors Ethics Health Doctors Ethics Health , doctor doctor , I'm putting you down as 'potential donor material.'
Marriage , Wanted police , It's been six days. Has he reported me missing yet?
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , 163 163 , These are for you in court. We're going for 'insanity.'
Marriage Television Marriage Television , , Nothing on?
Food Restaurants Service Food Restaurants Service , Chicken And Ribs Chicken And Ribs , You haven't eaten your chicken!
Marriage , husband , I married her for looks and she married me for money. Now we're even.
Newspapers Science Newspapers Science , bums bums , It says, 'Your day will be greatly inßuenced by the planet Neptune.'
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , He still won't talk.
Leisure Miscellaneous Leisure Miscellaneous , GAME CROSSING GAME CROSSING , Ready All clear
Marriage Newspapers advertising Marriage Newspapers advertising , , What's so dumb about cutting out a full-page advertisement?
Children Health Children Health , bandages hospital bandages hospital , I've seen it before. He's changing into a butterßy.
Employment Employment , boss union boss union , This is not an illegal strike. We're having a 72-hour lunch break.
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , , Get a move on. The tranquilizer dart's wearing off.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , animal dinosaur animal dinosaur , Old Rex has been in the family for as far back as I can remember.
Effectiveness Marriage Religion Effectiveness Marriage Religion , , Better worse sickness More Part Can you speak up? We can't hear anything at the back.
Marriage Quality Retail Sales Marriage Quality Retail Sales , Sale Sale , For $12, I'll have to keep them in our safety deposit box.
Health Leisure Sports Health Leisure Sports , , Exercise keeps you young I run five miles every day... How old d'you think I am? Sixty-three? Exactly right... sixty-three. You certainly don't look it.
Children Children , child child , One minute, 52 seconds. I could have died of thirst!
Government Travel Government Travel , beard customs beard customs , When was this passport photo taken?
Banks Marriage Banks Marriage , Banking Say finance Banking Say finance , We were wondering if we could extend the maximum limit on our charge account?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , We had much nicer diseases when I was a girl.
Death art , , This is the last one he painted.
ALIENS Animals Pets ALIENS Animals Pets , UFO UFO , 20,000 feet. We're 10,000 feet from the surface, Commander. Planet Earth is now 5,000 feet below... Stand by, 50 feet 10 feet
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , dog dog , Make sure he's home in an hour.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , drug store medicine drug store medicine , We're out of vitamins.
Crime Lawyers , accused , Is that the man who tried to mug you?
Banks Banks , Banking Loans Banking Loans , You can't use your bookie as a reference.
Miscellaneous Travel aliens , police , She's here to get some entry forms for the Miss Universe competition.
Fashion Grooming Marriage Fashion Grooming Marriage , , You're wearing odd socks. No, I'm not. What d'you call those? I'm wearing two pair.
Lodging , bum police , I'd ask you in, but I've only got one chair.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , Exray Exray , You're supposed to adjust the machine; this chest X-ray shows only the top of his head!
Lodging Marriage , agent , This is a much bigger apartment than we're used to.
Fashion Retail Sales Fashion Retail Sales , lamp lamp , Make sure he pays cash.
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , We've been happily married for two years - 1987 and 1989.
Doctors Health , doctor , In 35 years, you're my Þrst case of this!
Employment Retail Sales , Clockwork Mice Treat Your finance , I sold half the business!
Animals Health Marriage Pets Safety , bed cat hospital , Come on! Tell him you're sorry for stepping on him at the top of the stairs.
Children Education Ethics Children Education Ethics , child child , If I get a good mark, you could be looking at a very nice apple tomorrow morning.
Diet Health Marriage , bed , It's my new diet book.
Animals Effectiveness Friendship Leisure Animals Effectiveness Friendship Leisure , giraffe hunting giraffe hunting , I've never told anyone before, but I was aiming at a crocodile.
Effectiveness Lawyers Effectiveness Lawyers , , Did you understand? I want to cast you mind back to the year 1979... To be precise the 19th of June 1979... ...At 2:30 in the afternoon. What day is it today?
Government Military Politics , castle history , The peasants have stopped singing. Put the guard on 'red alert.'
Food Retail Food Retail , cashier witch cashier witch , Ralph, what's the price on these lizard's feet?
Miscellaneous Safety Technology aliens Miscellaneous Safety Technology aliens , Stop Stop , We can't stand here all day. It must have jammed.
Children Education Effectiveness , , What day is it? Don't know Grandad, d'you think dinosaurs hibernated or went south for the winter? I don't know They didn't have fur, did they? I don't know They were reptiles, weren't they? I don't know You don't mind me asking you all these questions, do you? It's the only way you'll learn anything
Dentistry Dentistry , dentist dentist , Nurse, you'd better put these on.
Animals Lodging Pets , Beware The Dog dog , OK, don't start showing off!
Lodging Lodging , bed neighbor bed neighbor , I've found a secret room!
Employment Quality , application , Of course, we're looking for a man who can work without supervision.
Marriage Quality Retail Sales Marriage Quality Retail Sales , ,
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , accused justice accused justice , I guess I'll plead not guilty just to get the old ball rolling.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bed operation , If we have to go in there again it will save you a bundle.
Children Sports , baby , He seems to have decided on a baseball scholarship.
Ethics Military Ethics Military , , Nice day I see there are a few men left who value honor and integrity. Young people today don't understand such things How fascinating... Where did you get that one? Same place I got all the others... ..At a fleamarket.
Dating Dating , date date , I'm having a fabulous evening, but I really must be home by 8 o'clock.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice accused judge justice , Your honor, my client thinks ten years is a little harsh and requests permission to approach the bench.
Children Education Effectiveness Children Education Effectiveness , classroom classroom , I think my test results are a pretty good indication of your abilities as a teacher.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor medicine doctor medicine , I want you to take one of these with water every four years.
Doctors Health Leisure Marriage Doctors Health Leisure Marriage , bandages bandages , She kept saying the dance ßoor was lumpy.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bowl fish flying flying fish bowl fish flying flying fish , I thought I made it clear that they had to be back in their bowl by eight o'clock!
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed operation bed operation , We had to remove your brain for a couple of days, so just try to relax.
Lodging Marriage Technology Lodging Marriage Technology , appliances appliances , Do you have such a thing as a refrigerator with a revolving door?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , Menu , For the last time: I do not want Today's Special.
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , boss boss , Mrs. Baxter, I don't think things are working out.
Crime Lodging Crime Lodging , 219 prison 219 prison , We were Þnding it very hot in here, Warden.
Mail Travel Mail Travel , BOTTLES UFO BOTTLES UFO , WHO ELSE? Don't forget Aunt Florence and Ernie
Effectiveness Leisure Sports Effectiveness Leisure Sports , apple archery history apple archery history , Up and left.
Crime Lawyers Marriage Crime Lawyers Marriage , fat fat , Just give him your money, dear. The last one sued us for his medical bills.
Training Training , , Excuse me, young man Are you waiting for your driver's test too? Yes, ma'am. And how long have you been learning? Six weeks. My boy, you cannot learn to drive in six weeks. I have been taking lessons myself for thirty-seven years. ...and even I don't know it all.
Effectiveness Lodging Effectiveness Lodging , BUG BUG , Quick, quick... Give me that bug spray.
Marriage Marriage , convict prison convict prison , I won't be home Friday. They've changed all the locks.
Food Restaurants Service , customer , I'll skip the dessert menu. I don't like too many surprises in one day.
Animals Lodging Marriage Animals Lodging Marriage , Estate Real Real Estate aligator alligator Estate Real Real Estate aligator alligator , I knew we shouldn't have bought waterfront property!
Doctors Health , bed , Let me know immediately if you start feeling the urge to move sideways.
Animals Travel , iceberg penguin , I would've been here sooner, but our iceberg hit a ship.
Ethics Friendship Leisure , beach swimming , Can't you take a joke?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Travel Doctors Effectiveness Health Travel , chinese chinese , You wanna have good eyesight if you go abroad, don't you?
Ethics , crowd , Are you the guy who advertised he'd found a wallet?
Animals Innovation Marriage Pets , bird , Can't you help me catch the canary?
Grooming Health Marriage Grooming Health Marriage , husband husband , The only time he's got a 48-inch chest is when he stands on his head!
Crime Restaurants Service , Menu guns , He wants to sit with his back to the wall.
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , bum bum , I lost track of my age years ago. I think I'm about 22.
Animals Holidays Marriage Pets Animals Holidays Marriage Pets , bed cat bed cat , Forgot the cat's birthday, didn't you?
Friendship Health Lodging Maintenance Marriage Friendship Health Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bed hospital bed hospital , Some of the guys at work are coming over this evening to help me do the laundry.
Military Retail Safety Sales Military Retail Safety Sales , missile missile , And for the man who has everything, we have this personal nuclear deterrent.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , arrow arrow , I know it's probably uncomfortable, but we need them as evidence.
Fashion Marriage Retail , husband , My wife would like to look at some fur coats. Do you have a pair of binoculars?
Marriage Retail Sales Marriage Retail Sales , , You won't find a better buy... It's a beautiful dining room set, but we can't afford $900. We have a "time plan". Harold doesn't believe in credit. Then why don't we arrange for you to buy a piece at a time? What do you think, Harold? How much is a chair leg?
Children Education Science , child , Did you or did you not tell him I was a Homo sapiens?
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , boss boss , This says you have a tendency to grovel.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bees bees , You were going to Þx the screen door six months ago!
Doctors Health , bandages hospital , I think my memory's coming back! Ask me who won the World Series in 1200 B.C.
Art Education Entertainment Lodging Art Education Entertainment Lodging , , Make yourself at home. Nice place you have here. I learn a lot about people from the books they read... My word! Shakespeare, Tolstoy. Very impressive. Gin and tonic?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , , Take a deep breath... Zilch Not a sound Maybe it's your stethoscope. Stethoscope's fine... I need a seismometer
Construction Safety Technology , blade , Stand away from that on/off switch.
Doctors Health , doctor , I just seem to be walking around in circles all day!
Employment Sales , Going Out Business Sale , Old George has been with the company 38 years. Do I hear $300?
Children Doctors Employment Children Doctors Employment , Nursery Nursery , You're looking at the next general manager of 'Louie's Take-Out Pizza.'
Lodging Safety Lodging Safety , explosion neighbor explosion neighbor , Lily, run upstairs and see if this guy's gas barbecue is in our bedroom.
Children Employment , child , My daughter tells me you're hoping for a career in shipping.
Quality Restaurants Service Quality Restaurants Service , customer customer , You'd be surprised how many people walk out without paying!
Animals Children Animals Children , bird bird , I had over 200 hours of ßying time when I was your age.
Doctors Health Miscellaneous Doctors Health Miscellaneous , bandages motorcycle bandages motorcycle , He jumped a motorcycle across the Grand Canyon!
Safety Travel Safety Travel , airplane airplane , As we'll be ßying over water, I'll demonstrate what to do in the case of a shark attack.
Friendship Marriage , best man , Don't keep saying 'I do'. You're the best man.
Fashion Grooming Fashion Grooming , bow tie bow tie , I told you it was supposed to go around your neck.
Crime Employment Ethics , 373 prison , I can't explain now but I have been called away on business for three months.
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , , Come in, Mildew. You wanted to see me? Mildew, I called you in here because I seem to be having trouble getting through to you... You're extremely inattentive... Do you understand what I'm saying? Sure.... What did you want to see me about?
Food Restaurants Service , Lil twins , Separate checks, please.
Doctors Ethics Health Doctors Ethics Health , bill bill , Breathe deeply and take a quick look at my bill.
Employment Employment , boss boss , You've got the job. Now, take these home and practice kissing them.
Dating Entertainment Dating Entertainment , Love Story Love Story , Wanna go see a movie, baby?
Animals Doctors Pets , Vet fish , Can I go in Þrst?
Health Service Health Service , Complaints Complaints , I've got a stabbing pain in my left kidney.
Employment Ethics Health Employment Ethics Health , bed bed , Your boss didn't want you to lie here worrying about the work piling up, so he Þred you.
Mail , , Your brother-in-law is marooned on a desert island.
Children Sports , baby karate , I'm sorry! He's taking karate lessons.
Travel Travel , airport airport , I'm sorry, sir, that's not hand luggage.
Retail Retail , Library Library , Got any nice gift-wrapping paper?
Doctors Health Pets Doctors Health Pets , doctor doctor , I want you to walk two miles a day ... and take my dog with you.
Crime Ethics Lawyers Crime Ethics Lawyers , accused accused , Take off your tie and unbutton your shirt. There are nine women on the jury.
Food Service Food Service , , What are you doing? I'm ordering us some breakfast. Boy, that was quick! False alarm. I heard him shout, "room service"! That was the cheese plate we ordered last night.
, door door , I've lost the key!
Animals Effectiveness Pets , dog security , Of the smaller breeds, these are about the best guard dogs.
Ethics Friendship Health Ethics Friendship Health , bandages hospital bandages hospital , Just relax and get your memory back. Don't lay there worrying about the Þfty bucks you owe me.
Government Innovation Military Technology Government Innovation Military Technology , , We're on the cutting edge. ...Range of 800 miles. You can pick any spot on the map. No more landfills... And I can get as many as you want. Stripped down, it takes 40 tons of garbage, one way.
Lodging Miscellaneous Safety Lodging Miscellaneous Safety , cape cape , Got a room with a panoramic view of the city?
Marriage Marriage , fence finance fence finance , I Þnally found his credit cards, taped inside the TV cabinet.
Health Innovation Safety Technology Health Innovation Safety Technology , Stop Stop , It works most of the time.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , coffee coffee , I ordered a coffee when I came in. When will the beans leave South America?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , binoculars binoculars , Open up! I want to take a look down your throat.
Children Marriage , Meat Head , I'm sure he couldn't have done it intentionally!
Doctors Ethics Health Lodging Doctors Ethics Health Lodging , bum bum , You need plenty of rest. You'd better stay in the gutter for a few days.
Lodging Marriage Lodging Marriage , 690 690 , You were stronger on our Þrst honeymoon.
Banks Banks , Banking Loans Banking Loans , I'm sorry. I haven't laughed like this for months.
Diet Friendship Marriage Diet Friendship Marriage , , You're quiet! Whaddyer thinking about? I was just thinking about how important breakfast is. Most important meal of the day! It sure is... If I'm not home for it, my wife's gonna kill me.
Government Politics Government Politics , VOTE VOTE , Any questions? What about rampant bureaucracy? It's one of the problems our party is seriously addressing... Are you actively involved in that? Certainly... At the moment, I am sitting on a procedural subcommittee which has been set up to review a survey of a feasibility study on just that problem.
Effectiveness Effectiveness , cell prison cell prison , Can you see anything?
Leisure Marriage Sports , animal hunting , He shot it in the desert.
Marriage Marriage , boyfriend boyfriend , We've decided on a small wedding. I'm not going.
Employment Restaurants Employment Restaurants , chef chef , OK, you've got the job. But you make sure you have a big breakfast before coming to work.
Children Children , father father , Get back in bed!!!
Doctors Effectiveness Ethics Health Doctors Effectiveness Ethics Health , Exray hospital operation Exray hospital operation , I gotta open you up again. Those things are $36 a pair!
Marriage Marriage , , Is that him? No It's nearly three-thirty You should never have told him you refuse to do any cooking or cleaning 'til AFTER the wedding.
Friendship Lodging Maintenance Marriage Friendship Lodging Maintenance Marriage , brush brush , She said if I don't Þnish painting this fence in time, I won't be able to go to her sister's wedding this afternoon.
Animals Doctors Health Marriage Pets , bed hospital , The doctor said you can come home on Friday if I get rid of the cat.
Employment Technology Employment Technology , boss boss , I'm sorry, Wilson. After 16 years of loyal service, you're being replaced by this microchip.
Animals Farming Food Restaurants Animals Farming Food Restaurants , Menu sheep Menu sheep , Fish and chips for one and 28 chef salads.
Effectiveness Mail Effectiveness Mail , This Way This Way , How d'you expect people to read labels that are upside down?
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , Make yourself comfortable... You say the young man grabbed you around the neck and tried to run off with your pension check. Yes, Sir. ...You then kicked him and hit him several times with your umbrella... Yes, Sir. As it's a first offense, the Judge has set bail at $2,000. How do you feel about that? My grandson is trying to raise it.
Dating Politics Dating Politics , BUS STOP BUS STOP , There's a bus every hour Thanks for a lovely evening, Harold. I haven't had such a good time since the Depression. It's only eight o'clock... D'you wanna come back to my place for a cup of coffee? I'd love to, Harold... ...But we have to think of your future. One day you may want to run for President.
Friendship Marriage Friendship Marriage , best man best man , Listen, you're the groom and I'm the best man! We are not changing places.
Dentistry , ceiling , OK, that's enough for one day. I'll see you next Tuesday.
Holidays Marriage Retail , Underwear , Give me your credit card. I'm getting these for your birthday.
Animals Miscellaneous Animals Miscellaneous , decoys ducks hunting decoys ducks hunting , Stay away from those wooden ones. I nearly got my head blown off!
Animals Science Animals Science , bench bird bench bird , He's probably taking a breather on his way north.
Employment Ethics Employment Ethics , boss boss , I know you're three weeks away from retirement, but it's either Þre you now or I have to fork out for another gold watch.
Automobiles Dating Automobiles Dating , boyfriend boyfriend , It's not my fault if my dad won't lend me the car!
Diet Health , , I can't sleep with the light on... Are you going to scribble all night? Can't you help me with this? I have to write down everything I eat and work out how much exercise I need... Good grief! What? You've got to run 627 miles.
Animals Leisure Animals Leisure , Zoo gorilla Zoo gorilla , Come on, Herbert, look lively. The gates open in Þve minutes.
Innovation Marriage Television , , I had to make a videotape of myself telling him his supper's ready.
Automobiles Sales Service Automobiles Sales Service , Used Cars Used Cars , C'mon, Dave! I saw him Þrst.
Farming Miscellaneous aliens Farming Miscellaneous aliens , , We got a nice postcard from those little green guys in the U.F.O.
Crime Lodging Marriage Crime Lodging Marriage , burglar burglar , This guy wants to borrow our ladder.
Grooming Leisure Grooming Leisure , bathtub bathtub , How was I supposed to know it Þred torpedoes?
Art , artist , Can you stand on your right leg?
Employment Employment , application application , You can earn $504 a week if you work the full 168 hours.
Animals Science Animals Science , butterflies butterfly butterflies butterfly , You certainly have a way with animals.
Grooming Marriage Grooming Marriage , , Mr. Big-Shot Always making fun of my mother and she sends you a birthday gift... She said she spent weeks trying to find something suitable. I opened the package. What is it? A hair dryer.
Animals Lodging Maintenance Marriage Pets Animals Lodging Maintenance Marriage Pets , broom dog broom dog , Get a move on! She'll be home in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , customer customer , No, sir. This is not a Greek restaurant. You have the menu upside down.
Children Health Safety Children Health Safety , bandage bandage , Don't play with Grampa's foot.
Doctors Health Holidays Marriage Doctors Health Holidays Marriage , birthday birthday , Some florist delivered a bunch of flowers here by mistake.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , aquarium fish gold gold fish aquarium fish gold gold fish , He really likes you!
Fashion Retail Service Fashion Retail Service , clothing store clothing store , The changing room is occupied. Crouch down behind the tie rack.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , gerbil gerbil , Think back ... two years ago ... you sold me a gerbil.
Doctors Health , bed hospital , You should stay off that left foot for a couple of days.
Effectiveness Miscellaneous , garbage , It never ceases to amaze me what people throw away.
Food Marriage Food Marriage , husband husband , You're an hour late! Don't blame me if your cheese sandwich is ruined.
Health Miscellaneous Newspapers aliens Health Miscellaneous Newspapers aliens , National News National News , According to this, we gave a 45 year-old woman a skin rash.
Philosophy Politics Philosophy Politics , , What do you want? I'm collecting money for endangered species Listen... Every day I have to face crime, terrorism, nuclear warheads and lunatics on the freeway I eat pesticides on food. I drink polluted water... and I'm always broke Don't you care about endangered species? I AM ONE
Doctors Health Science Doctors Health Science , doctor doctor , You say you spent Þve years at the North Pole?
Effectiveness Farming Food , chicken , Did you happen to notice which chicken?
Automobiles Effectiveness Service Travel Automobiles Effectiveness Service Travel , Last Gas For Miles Miles Ahead Last Gas For Miles Miles Ahead , NO CAPTION LAST GAS FOR 60 MILES 54 MILES AHEAD
Education Miscellaneous aliens Education Miscellaneous aliens , English English , Er ... stay cool, baby ... and, er ... what's happening?
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , cage dog cage dog , Dear Pinkie: Having a wonderful time in the south of France.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , drugs medicine pharmacy drugs medicine pharmacy , Rub this on your feet three times a day, during meals.
leisure leisure , Police exercise fitness jogging Police exercise fitness jogging , Don't look like that. You'll be boasting about this for the rest of your life.
Food Mail Quality Retail Sales , Instant Coconut , NO CAPTION INSTANT COCONUT
Employment Ethics Marriage , bride , I thought you said you were an airline pilot.
Marriage , , You're always tired You women don't realize how lucky you are nowadays... Three hundred years ago, you'd be getting up at four o'clock to milk the cows... No television. ...No dishwasher Sixteen kids ... And married to the village idiot.
Marriage Miscellaneous Television aliens Marriage Miscellaneous Television aliens , , Lily, see if there's anything on the six o'clock news about it.
Ethics Retail Sales Ethics Retail Sales , Sale Sale , We usually put 30 percent on!
Doctors Health Service Doctors Health Service , , Hello Excuse me, nurse. I've been sitting here for nearly two hours. Tell the doctor I've turned invisible. He'll see you now.
Art Children Education Art Children Education , , Excuse me... Excuse me... Are you Mr. Shakespeare? I want to talk to you about your son, William. Teaching is a thankless task ...and parents like you don't make it any easier QUIT HELPING HIM WITH HIS HOMEWORK!
Children Dating Children Dating , boyfriend boyfriend , Couldn't you Þnd yourself a nice boyfriend from this planet?
Automobiles Holidays Marriage Automobiles Holidays Marriage , Happy Birthday Happy Birthday , Your birthday gift is in the garage, charging up the car battery.
Effectiveness Fashion , pants , I've worn a 34-inch waist ever since I was a teenager.
Doctors Health Innovation , husband , The doctor says he has to have plenty of rest for the next few days.
Employment accounting Employment accounting , accountant accountant , Wilson, I'm beginning to have serious doubts about your abilities as a bookkeeper.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , It's quite a puzzle. I'm having a difficult time understanding the source of your anxiety. You have a luxury townhouse, a motorhome, three cars, a powerboat, all the latest stereo and video equipment... You're planning another vacation in Hawaii... I only make $85 a week.
Holidays Technology Television , , It's not like the old days. I wish we could have an old-fashioned Christmas.... Soon fix that... What did you do? I turned the knob to make the television black and white.
Animals Entertainment Leisure children , octopus , Dad took us to Sea World and fell in.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , Restaurant Restaurant , Today's special is spaghetti and meatballs.
Animals Leisure , Missed ducks hunting , NO CAPTION MISSED
Animals Marriage Service Animals Marriage Service , , That's incredible! D'you know what they're doing now for people confined to a wheelchair and don't have use of their limbs? They provide them with a pet monkey to run errands Can you make me a cup of coffee?
Marriage Marriage , , Wow! Look at this! Some billionaire bought his wife a $2 million diamond ring... What about that green sweater?!!
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage , boat , Port?! Starboard?! Can't you speak English?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor medicine , Take two before you go to bed and before you wake up.
Effectiveness Travel Effectiveness Travel , captain captain , I'm planning a solo voyage around the world. D'you want to come with me?
Health Sports , bench , When I was your age, I could do the 100-yard dash in 12 minutes!
Marriage Technology , bride , Mention something about her not fooling around with my stereo equipment.
Employment Leisure Employment Leisure , binoculars binoculars , Do you have any other hobbies besides 'bird watching'?
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , accordian accordian , One egg sandwich with live entertainment, $12.50.
Effectiveness Travel Effectiveness Travel , FLY UFO FLY UFO , Next. Your suitcase is 10 lbs. over the weight limit.... You'll have to pay a surcharge.... That's another $46.00... Next. Just the one small bag.
Food Marriage , butcher , She wants six chicken wings. Three left and three right.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , anger medicine anger medicine , What do you mean, my blood pressure pills aren't working?!
Doctors Effectiveness Ethics Health Insurance Doctors Effectiveness Ethics Health Insurance , doctor doctor , Hello, Frank. Does my insurance cover me for snapped-off needles?
Marriage Safety Marriage Safety , flowers flowers , You've broken my best ßowerpot!
Holidays Marriage , christmas , Same old Christmas. He bought me a power saw and I bought him gold earrings .
Effectiveness Lodging Marriage Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , hammock hammock , Well, you knew we had only one tree when you bought it.
Banks Technology , Banking Loans , The computer handles all our loan applications.
Effectiveness Philosophy Religion Effectiveness Philosophy Religion , The End Near The End Near , Obviously you weren't at the meeting this morning.
Diet Food Marriage Quality Diet Food Marriage Quality , dinner dinner , Just out of idle curiosity, how d'you manage to serve leftovers 14 days in a row?
Employment Health Marriage Employment Health Marriage , disease disease , You're not staying home from work. It's payday.
Children Newspapers Service , holiday , I'm starting my vacation tomorrow, so I'll leave you 14 newspapers.
Animals Mail Pets , Beware Big Dog dog , Is that what they teach you at mailman's college?
Retail Sales , chair , Solid as a rock and light as a feather.
Food Miscellaneous Restaurants Food Miscellaneous Restaurants , diner diner , Gimme a stale donut and cold coffee.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , And just where have you been at three o'clock in the morning?
Food Marriage Quality Food Marriage Quality , dinner dinner , Whaddya mean you don't know what it is? Who cooked it?
Fashion Retail Sales Fashion Retail Sales , boots boots , Dougie, have we got these in coral pink?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor nurse doctor nurse , Mr. White is here for his annual checkup, doctor.
Politics Politics , fat fat , I'm campaigning for the little guy.
Food Quality Restaurants Service Food Quality Restaurants Service , Menu Menu , Here's the menu. I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Dating Effectiveness Dating Effectiveness , , How's it going? You look like the kinda gal who knows where she's going... I like that! Would you excuse me?
Children Education , , Wilson, don't drag your Þngernails down the blackboard.
Entertainment children Entertainment children , , Can we borrow your coat? We're going to the movies.
Newspapers accounting , bench finance , I see the dollar's taken another beating.
Effectiveness Entertainment Ethics , baby , Is it still half price for kids?
Ethics Travel Ethics Travel , BAGGAGE CLAIM UFO BAGGAGE CLAIM UFO , It was a family heirloom. Two feet by three feet... 24 karat gold outer casing. ...Lined with platinum and encrusted with semi-precious and quality gems. Contained fifteen silk shirts, a mink stole... What's going on? This gentleman's suitcase fell out of the plane over the north atlantic.
Friendship Leisure Sports Technology Friendship Leisure Sports Technology , clubs golf clubs golf , I hope you had a radio transmitter on that ball!
Crime Employment Lawyers Crime Employment Lawyers , accused accused , Your honor, a 25-year jail sentence would jeopardize my client's job at the supermarket.
Construction Effectiveness Retail Sales Construction Effectiveness Retail Sales , hardware hardware , We need a six-foot ladder and an eight-foot ladder.
Lodging Sales , Estate For Sale Real Real Estate , It's got a two-level Þnished basement.
Children Children , child child , Dad, I'm writing my life story. Is 'poverty-stricken' one word?
Animals Art Pets Animals Art Pets , 215 mouse prison 215 mouse prison , If you want a picture, you gotta keep your head still!
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage Effectiveness Leisure Marriage , decoration decoration , Hey, Lily! Was it 1958 I got my bronze medal for the 'foxtrot'?
Quality Restaurants Service Quality Restaurants Service , leg leg , Table for three.
Construction Effectiveness Quality Retail Construction Effectiveness Quality Retail , hardware store hardware store , This should hold it!
Dentistry Dentistry , Exray Exray , Your teeth are fantastic, but your gums have to come out.
Crime Dentistry Marriage , dentist , Put your stupid hands down; he's looking for the dentist.
Animals Health Pets Animals Health Pets , bed dog hospital nurse bed dog hospital nurse , I'm sorry, sir, visiting hours are over.
Leisure Marriage Leisure Marriage , baloon baloon , I take it your business meeting was a success.
Effectiveness Technology Effectiveness Technology , , What's wrong? I haven't seen my family for two weeks. Why don't you give them a call? I tried... ...All the lines are busy.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor medicine , Here, take this, but make sure you get home in 90 seconds.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , drugs drugs , Quick, drink this! It'll settle your stomach.
Animals Science Animals Science , , What are you doing? Evolution's coming whether we like it or not. I want you to time me. Not bad. Twenty-two seconds.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed hospital bed hospital , Is this the guy who was stuck in the elevator for three days?
Marriage , finance husband , I need to borrow your 68 cents of 'mad money.'
Doctors Health Marriage Doctors Health Marriage , ABEFNCDSO ABEFNCDSO , Whoever heard of anyone studying for an eye examination?
Dating Quality Retail Sales Dating Quality Retail Sales , customers customers , Anything under $25,000 nowadays is considered 'junk jewelry.'
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , The court is now in session. You have been charged with five counts of whistling whilst waiting for a bus... ...and two counts of chewing gum in a public elevator. How do you plead? I'm new in town, your Honor... Ingnorance of the law is no excuse.
Retail Service , Business , If you insist on laughing, sir, I must ask you to browse in the humor section.
Friendship Health Friendship Health , disease disease , It's not catching, is it?
Doctors Health , bed hospital , This is Dr. Elgin, our expert on tropical diseases.
Miscellaneous Technology Television aliens Miscellaneous Technology Television aliens , , And now for a look at the latest picture from our weather satellite.
Dating Dating , Hello Name Frank Hello Name Frank , He's back!
Employment Marriage Employment Marriage , application application , I think I'm gonna get the job. Call me back in Þve minutes.
Dating Ethics , date , Did you say on the phone you were 'in your '20s' or 'born in the '20s'?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor doctor , You're a little underweight. Put this in your pocket.
Animals Innovation Marriage Pets , cat , Did you tell the cat he could have my striped shirt?
Marriage Marriage , dishes dishes , Marriage is a partnership. I eat your cooking so you wash the dishes.
Friendship Marriage Friendship Marriage , birthday birthday , She gave me a box of chocolates for my birthday with all the soft centres missing.
Employment Employment , application application , D'you have any other references apart from this one from your mother?
Employment Friendship Employment Friendship , axe axe , You shouted it LAST time!
Crime Sales Crime Sales , Car Rental Car Rental , We need something fast for about 10 minutes.
Animals Health Pets Retail , Jaws fish gold gold fish , The guy at the pet store said he needs more exercise.
Ethics Technology Television art Ethics Technology Television art , cavemen cavemen , People are beginning to complain about too much violence on cave walls.
Banks Leisure Banks Leisure , Banking Loans cards Banking Loans cards , He wants another 50 bucks ... full house, jacks and nines.
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , Handle With Care Handle With Care , NO CAPTION HANDLE WITH CARE LIVE ANIMAL
Children Education , child , My report card isn't bad if you consider the genes I have to work with.
, , I think it's a waste of time and money If there IS intelligent llife in outer space, why don't they contact us? Very advanced life forms would use something much faster and more sophisticated than radio signals. Like what? THOUGHT. Where do you get all these ideas?
Doctors Health , book , Here we go! Step one: Take off your shirt.
Automobiles Safety Training , Driver School , I'll have to deduct Þve points for cornering on two wheels.
Diet Diet , , Excuse me... Can you spare a couple of bucks? Sorry. Don't you believe in helping the poor? I've been helping the poor for sixty years. Doing what? Trying not to swell their ranks.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , bed hospital bed hospital , I don't know who he is! He was there when I woke up this morning.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , acupuncture acupuncture , This is new ... 'mega-puncture.'
, , Hi, Bill... How's you wife? ...I hear she nearly had an accident. She's OK ... But it was no accident. Whaddyer mean? She was into the third day or her diet... Threw herself in front of an ice cream cart on purpose.
Children Sports Children Sports , , Now watch this! This is what we call a "High Fly Ball". It can be caught, but it takes concentration and courage. Get used to the fact that it looks fifty times bigger than it really is... Concentrate...
Holidays Marriage Travel , anniversary , We're on our second honeymoon. Make sure our rooms are not too close together.
Marriage Restaurants Marriage Restaurants , Menu finance Menu finance , We already ate at home. We just want to see how much we saved.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , boots , D'you still want the 'catch of the day'?
Children Food Health Marriage , chair , That's the first time I've seen your mother leave the table without a second helping.
Leisure Marriage , dart board , How come my photo's got all these little holes in it?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor medicine , Take one of these with water half-an-hour before you wake up every morning.
Effectiveness accounting , books library , Let's see. That's 18 volumes of 'Income Tax Made Easy.'
Children Food , child , Sure, I'll have a glass of milk. Make it a 'double.'
Children Dentistry Health Marriage , braces , What's to understand? You convince your mother you don't need your teeth fixed and I give you $50.
Marriage , anniversary , Have we been married 50 years, 60 years or 70 years?
Entertainment Retail Technology Television , Stereo , It's a new video game called 'Prize Fight.'
Food Restaurants Service , customer , Take that back and cook it! It's already eaten half the french fries.
Entertainment Marriage Television , , Can't you save that for during the commercials?
Animals Pets Retail , snake , When you've got a minute, I'd like a box of parrot food.
Animals Grooming Marriage Pets , cat , This was in the garbage compactor. It's either my hair piece or the cat.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , , I'm starving! Table for two! ...And you DON'T have a reservation! Now this could be ...tricky... You'll have to give me a few minutes. This way.
Entertainment Music Retail , Beatles , I've never heard of Mantovani. You sure you don't mean 'Flunky Monkey and the Fruitcakes'?
Animals Pets , dog , Was that kid shouting at us?
Crime Ethics accounting , Accountant , You can wait for him if you like. He's doing six months for 'embezzlement.'
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , dishes , If you buy me a dishwasher, you'd have more time to help out around here.
Food Marriage , Making Wine , Who do you think's gonna drink that?
Doctors Food Health Doctors Food Health , , I'm going to give you a little test. Now, look at these cards and tell me the first thing that comes into your head. A donut? Piece of steak... And that one? Fried egg. This one's tricky.. Hamburger. Liver and onions. I think we'll break for lunch! Gravy!
Grooming aliens , , I claim this planet in the name of Bluggrovia.
Dating Service Dating , Cupid , In describing your 'appearance,' I'll just say you're looking for a short-sighted girl with a sense of humor.
Marriage , husband , Mommy, he says he'd love you to come for the whole weekend.
Food Restaurants Service , chef , Is the guy in the green jacket the one who complained about the baked potatoes?
Children Military Technology Children Military Technology , , Where are you Grandpa? Grandpa... Will you show us how to shoot a bow and arrow? Bow and arrow! Yes... Come on... You told us you used to be in the army. Bows and arrows!!! We had guns and tanks. .....And rockets. He's younger than he looks!
Grooming Service , bath , Quit griping! D'you want your windows washed or not?
Crime Lawyers , accused justice , How do you plead to the charge of speeding?
Dating , boyfriend , I know it's only our first date, but I've got this crazy feeling that we were made for each other.
Crime Effectiveness Sports , jockey police , Take your time; just pick out the man who told you he was an 'out-of-work jockey'!
Children Education , child , Six times six is 54! Don't they teach you anything at that school?
Technology Technology , , U.F..... What? Look! ....A genuine UNIDENTIFIED FLOATING OBJECT.
Diet Food Marriage , breakfast , I know it's taking a long time but I'm trying to fry you an egg and the shells keep breaking.
Doctors Health Quality , doctor , Either your heart has stopped or this stethoscope's busted.
Children Dating Technology , child , Did you make a computer date with someone named Yvonne?
, , Don't you have any photos of your vacation? Do you want to see the color slides he took with his new underwater camera? Sure! Nice! Ooh That's nice! Great! Pretty fish. Lights. He only took three...
Employment , boss , Is that your final answer?
Children Restaurants Safety , child , What did you do with your fork?
Sports Technology Training , club , Okay, now shift your weight onto the left leg during the follow-through.
Fashion Grooming Marriage , bath , Look at the fabulous tie I got you while I was buying this silly old coat.
Children Lodging , baby , I want my own room.
Crime Ethics Lawyers Crime Ethics Lawyers , , The court will rise. You've been found 'not guilty' of passing counterfeit banknotes... It's obvious you're an innocent man, caught up in a web of unfortunate circumstances.... Unless you wish to address the court, you're free to leave. Does this mean I can keep the printing press?
Effectiveness Service Technology , elevator , Which floor?
Lodging Maintenance Retail Sales Service , guarantee , If the smoke detector fails and your house burns down, we replace the unit, plus batteries, free of charge.
Employment , Out , I'll let you know. I have another two thousand applicants to see.
Children Doctors Health , baby birth child child birth hospital , My doctor thought it was gallstones.
Children , child , How come I never hear you say 'please' and 'thank you'?
Marriage Quality Restaurants Service , fish , Every time we go out anywhere, you always find something to complain about.
Friendship Health , bed , Would you believe it? I've been all over town trying to get you some flowers.
Automobiles Training Education Training education , Driver School driver driver , It's just a little something to celebrate your 500th lesson.
Doctors Health Marriage , barometer , Are you sure he told you to stick a barometer in my mouth?
Grooming Service , bald barber , I think it needs some protein to give it more 'body.'
Accounting Doctors Health Leisure , , You can get dressed now! You seem to be suffering from stress... When did you last take a vacation? I spend most weekends cruising on my yacht or exercising the horses at my country estate... What about Monday to Friday? I usually dine at the club and go to the theatre tow or three times... Wednesday I take my flying lessons. So... What's the problem? I only make a hundred and twenty bucks a week!
Death Dentistry , dentist , Why did your nurse want to know my next of kin?
Children , Nursery birth child child birth hospital , The front row are all yours!
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , You the guy who ordered the 'Breakfast Special'?
Grooming Marriage , bath , How do you expect to wash like that?
Animals Lodging Marriage , bed birds , Well, the window's open. I hope you're satisfied.
Children Education Science , daughter , If you don't believe man came from monkeys, go take a good look at your father.
Banks Effectiveness Quality Banks Effectiveness Quality , Banking Borrow Your Money Banking Borrow Your Money , Next. Can you change a dollar bill? I need 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 2 nickels. That comes to $1.25... No wonder you people can afford marble floors!
Children Grooming , child , You only want me to get a haircut because you're jealous.
Animals Children Pets , child spider tarantula , You wouldn't let me have a dog or a cat!
Entertainment Friendship Lodging Entertainment Friendship Lodging , , I think we're gonna be friends! I just moved in next door and we'd like to have a 'get-to-know-your-neighbors' party... That's nice! Nothing too fancy...Maybe a few steaks. ...Some red wine... Music ...And a chocolate cake. Great! Myself and the wife and four or five of our friends... Next Saturday. Right. What time shall we get here?
Marriage Television , , I thought TV was supposed to make people violent.
Employment , book keeper , Can't you get on with your work without watching me all the time?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , door , I thought you were going to put a new lock on this door?
Crime Lawyers , decoy prison , You got nothing to smile about.
Animals Effectiveness Innovation Animals Effectiveness Innovation , , Keep the noise down. Wotcha doing? I'm waiting for an animal... I dug a hole and covered it with a layer of twigs... So what? Where's your imagination? The animal falls down the hole and we grab it! ...Now stay down and keep quiet. Why has it gone dark? Shhh.. Missed it by six inches!
Diet Doctors Health , doctor medicine , I'll give you something for gas.
Employment Marriage , chair , I take it you didn't get the promotion.
Diet Food Retail Sales , grocer , What exactly is 'new improved lettuce'?
Banks Crime Service , Banking Cashier , I haven't understood one word you said. Come back when your face gets better.
Food Marriage , cream pie , I've had a hard day, so don't make any smart remarks while I'm carrying this cream pie.
Doctors Food Health Marriage , bed hospital , I wish you'd let me know you were coming in here. I had to throw away a perfectly good frozen dinner.
Dentistry Dentistry , Your Teeth Your Teeth , Boy! These dentists sure take their time.... Looks like I'm next! If you're in a hurry, you can go in before me..... You probably have to get back to work or something.... I've got plenty of time.... You should go first... NO.
Government Holidays Leisure , ball , If you're coming ashore buddy, I wanna see your passport.
Children Philosophy , child , Maturity is a feeling that comes over you when you look back on your life and realize you were wrong on just about everything.
Death Entertainment Lawyers , estate , He left everything to the one woman who sustained him throughout his later years; Oprah Winfrey.
Food Service , coffee , You said you didn't mind tea or coffee so I gave you half and half.
Marriage , divorce , D'you realize we've been married three whole weeks, and neither of us has even mentioned the word 'divorce'?
Friendship Safety , arrow cowboys indians , Hey Tex. Come and settle an argument. Is this arrow Apache or Sioux?
Marriage , girl , I was just about to ask you how you liked your new glasses!
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , If you only want to spend twenty dollars, I'd recommend two hamburgers and a six-dollar tip.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , faucet , I see you've fixed the drip!
Effectiveness Food Marriage Quality , husband , You don't just pour stew into a lunch pail.
Entertainment , drink , Don't move while I'm gone, or you'll spill my drink.
Food Marriage , breakfast , I'm not the world's greatest cook but I think you'll enjoy my cornflakes.
Food Marriage , bed , Breakfast in bed, your majesty.
Children Dating Entertainment , astrology , Grannie, your horoscope says be prepared for a whirlwind romance!
Retail Sales , suit , Is that the way you normally stand?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , , You're really out of shape! I want you to start jogging. I hate jogging! Like it or not, you've got to do two miles.... Every week. Make it four. What's the matter with you? First you say you hate jogging. ...Then when I say do two miles.... You say make it FOUR! Well how d'you expect me to get back home?
Effectiveness Miscellaneous , cane , Hey, Pop! Your hearing aid has slipped down the leg of your pants!
Lodging Marriage , broken chair , I see your mother's been here again.
Children Education Employment , child , If I keep going to school, all the best jobs are gonna be taken.
Holidays Leisure Sales , back pack ball crystal crystal ball fortune fortune teller teller , I see you taking a trip.
Food , bird , How long have these eggs been in the fridge?
Death Employment Ethics , boss , Your son-in-law's not here this afternoon. He's gone to your funeral.
Doctors Service , Taxi hospital , I hate to mention it but there was a $1.80 on the meter when I hit that truck.
Animals Pets Service , Complaints fish , What do you mean, he's too noisy?
Doctors Food Health diet , , How are you getting on with the diet?
Dating Marriage , bench , If you insist on getting married, I'm gonna break off our engagement.
Marriage , Mind Reader fortune fortune teller teller , Let me guess. She gave you your money back.
Dentistry , dentist , You'd better stay off solid food for an hour or two.
, Estate Real Real Estate agent , Another feature of this home is that it's within a stone's throw of several schools.
Employment , Pony Express history indians , No one said the job was going to be easy!
Marriage , finance husband , If a fool and his money are soon parted, who's got yours?
Leisure Marriage Sports , fish fishing , Stop whining. I caught it, so I'll carry it.
Food Retail Food Retail , , 20lbs. of potatoes, please. Here you go! 20 lbs of potatoes. Anything else? ..Er... 15 lbs. of carrots. Any tomatoes? That's all. That'll be nine dollars.. Haven't you got anything smaller?
Employment Marriage , boss , You can't afford to get married on the salary I'm paying you! One day you'll thank me.
Food Marriage , cake , I'm not making any more cakes.
Advertising Television Advertising Television , , 'Spotty' here is 189..... CUT! Roll 'em 'Doggo' commercial - take twelve 'Spotty' here is twenty-seven. ...That's 189 to you and me. CUT.. One of his wheels fell off!
Dentistry , dentist , Are you sure you're comfortable like that?
Employment , corporation office , It says here you're intelligent, honest and reliable. What makes you think you'd be an asset to this company?
Quality Restaurants Service , Menu , I want to leave you a tip but I haven't got change for a quarter.
Employment Maintenance Religion , builder , Oh, darn!
Effectiveness Employment Marriage Effectiveness Employment Marriage , , Thank you for seeing us.... My husband... Is not at all happy with his position in this company ... After eleven years. In fact... He wants immediate promotion... And a thirty-percent pay raise...... No Arguments What sort of place do you think you're running anyway? Tell your husband.. ...He's FIRED! Your turn!
Automobiles Leisure Marriage , beach , Leave the car keys just in case something grabs you out there.
Doctors Health Travel , arm , That must have been one heavy suitcase!
Automobiles Innovation Technology Automobiles Innovation Technology , Research Research , What is it? We programmed our new super-computer to design a simple safety device for every car and truck on the road. Something to improve drive alertness. A prevention against careless and reckless driving, tailgating, drunk driving, inattentiveness and last-minute braking. ...Inexpensive to produce. What is it? A new steering wheel.
Effectiveness Employment accounting , accountant , They said he wasn't to leave the office 'til the books balanced.
Children , giant , As I remember, you always were a big kid for your age.
Health Health , , We had a nice evening. I should be going soon.... Where's you husband today? His doctor told him he's overweight... So he jogs around the block every night.... Why would anyone go jogging at midnight? He started at FIVE O'CLOCK!!
Dating Marriage Religion , proposal , What about our religious differences? I worship money and you're broke!
, Menu Menu , GET YOUR ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE!
Food Marriage , cart , I'll run out and mortgage the house and meet you at the checkout.
Doctors Health , bed hospital , It's just a simple little operation, but we want you to pay now.
Banks Marriage Retail , husband shopping , Your nest egg just hatched.
Food Marriage Restaurants , Menu , Who gets the triple 'jumbo-burger?'
Children Education , child , Sure you were good at history. You were there for most of it.
Dating Food Dating Food , , Sandra... Sandra, Sandra O' Sweet mystery of Love a last I've found yooooou Sandra. ...Say it loud and it's music playing.... D'you want some pizza? How can I eat when I'm consumed with love? I don't think I'll ever eat again! Change that 'large' to a 'medium'.
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , I have no way of knowing who started this fight so I'm going to fine you both $50.
Children Health , cast , If you were a horse, we would have shot you!
Animals Service , Crocodiles zoo , You dropped it. You get it!
Employment Restaurants , bus boy , You've just turned this restaurant into a 'nonprofit' organization.
Employment Sports , boss , Come in, Coach. I wanna discuss your lifetime contract.
Fashion Retail Sales Service , Shoes , Don't keep saying you don't like them. You've only had them on for 30 seconds.
Friendship Lodging Technology Television , , Hiya, Jonesy, you still watching that 32-inch TV?
Effectiveness Politics Effectiveness Politics , , I think it's lack of communication... The whole world seems to be in turmoil... Everyone's at each other's throats! We need more international dialogue. ...Discussion of the issues. There's nothing that can't be solved by negotiation. He's not very talkative! He doesn't speak English.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Safety , bandage , Where do you get off taking out your own appendix?
Automobiles Crime , car police speeding , How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for ten minutes?
, boss boss , I'm telling you; you don't have a complex. You ARE inferior.
accounting , Tax Consultant finance , You mean I've gotta pay tax on money I've already spent?
Food Quality Restaurants , cafe , I don't mind the long wait; the food here is terrible.
Politics Science Politics Science , , Oh no! Look who's coming. I've just figured out that the Earth is a giant ball whizzing around the Sun... Troublemaker! There's always one in every crowd... Why don't we kick him out the tribe? He's harmless! As far back as I can remember... There have always been people like him... But we have the ultimate defense.... What? A majority
Doctors Health Marriage , bed hospital , Give me a week's warning before they let you out of here and I'll clean the kitchen.
Banks , Banking cup finance , The bank wants to lend us five thousand dollars to get out of debt!
art , , I think he's trying to tell us he can't paint!
Animals Dating , gorilla king kong , Shove off. I'm sick of your jealousy!
Banks , Bank Banking finance , I wanna open a joint-account with someone who's got plenty of money.
Art Marriage Art Marriage , , I hope this is going to look like me! Don't complain! You said I should take up a hobby.... I should've taken this up years ago! How much longer are you gonna be? About another hour.. Then you can start talking.
Children Religion , bed time , I'm gonna say my prayers. D'you need anything?
Effectiveness Employment , boss , I wanted a steady worker, but you're absolutely motionless.
Effectiveness Employment , assistant , I can do shorthand! It just takes a little longer.
Effectiveness Quality Effectiveness Quality , , Good Morning, Sir... This is a singing Telegram. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEE..AR.... Hold it! Wrong house!
Employment Sports , boss golf , As I see it, you've got a choice between a 'birdie' and promotion to branch manager.
Marriage , bride wedding , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, raise your glass to the bride and groom!
Quality Retail Sales Service service , customer , Sure it's faded! You've been wearing it during daylight hours without a jacket on.
Effectiveness Marriage Safety children , , Where are the kids?
Marriage , argument finance , I know there are a lot of things more important than money and they're all expensive!
Dating Lodging Marriage , boyfriend , Mom said we can get married and live in the dining room if you don't mind eating in the kitchen.
Children Health Safety , beach , Get off that oily man with your best shoes on.
Children Education Leisure , , I decided to come in today. The poolroom's packed.
Dating Dating Service Ethics Sports , , I see you've listed your hobbies as alpine skiing, scuba, sky-diving, treasure hunting and climbing Mount Everest.
Effectiveness Employment Safety , boss zoo , I appreciate this is your first day at the zoo, but from now on just paint the empty cages.
Animals Effectiveness Miscellaneous Safety Animals Effectiveness Miscellaneous Safety , , What is it, Joyce? I can't understand you, Joyce... Stop yelling! You're not making any sense! ...Speak slowly. I thought you said 'Ping Pong'... Spell it. K..I.....N......G
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , Over 1000 Flavors Over 1000 Flavors , Large cone please, ...Vanilla. What's this supposed to be? Good grief! It tastes terrible! This is NOT Vanilla! Vanilla! I thought you said "Gorilla".
Children Doctors , baby birth child child birth hospital , Can't you ever get sick without bringing home one of those?
Dating , blindfold , Is this your first blind date?
Technology Television aliens , , They said something about five thousand UFOs landing in Idaho, then cut to a commercial.
Lodging Music , money , Everyone in the building took up a collection. Here's $225 for your violin.
Science Science , , We can't live with my parents. They're still living with their parents!
Art , , Sure you can have it for ten bucks, but wouldn't you rather own a $200 painting?
Children Effectiveness Food Marriage , baby , He wouldn't eat it so I put in some dirt and made it look like mud.
Food Marriage , bride wedding , Look what your stupid uncle gave us. What d'you think it is?
Effectiveness Quality Sales Service , Wigs , Are you sure I'll be able to swim with it?
Dating , boyfriend , Judy, are you gonna elope with me or not?
Crime Employment Ethics , finance operator , Mr. Harrison took off for South America with the company payroll. Would you like to leave a message?
Employment Holidays Marriage Sports Travel , diving golf , The way you carry on, you'd think I enjoy these business trips.
Effectiveness Marriage Television Effectiveness Marriage Television , , I've seen this movie about ten times... D'you want a cup of coffee? I'd love one. What d'you want in it? Milk... No sugar. Where are the cups? In the cupboard, over the sink. Is the milk in the 'fridge? Where d'you think it is? The water's not supposed to boil, is it?
Effectiveness Science Technology , inventor , How many guys d'you know with a solar-powered wristwatch?
Children , Dad birth child child birth hospital nurse , Congratulations! He seems very bright.
Marriage Religion , bench , If you're so dead set against gambling, how come you're in the marriage business?
Food Restaurants Retail Travel Food Restaurants Retail Travel , COCONUTS Fresh Daily COCONUTS Fresh Daily , Isn't this great! I love it! We must be a million miles from civilization. Why don't you get one. D'you want Diet or Regular?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bath , The sink's backed up!
Crime Lawyers , 713619 prison , You're the only guy we can trust in this cell 'til we get those bars fixed.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , The way we treat a headache here is to divert your attention to something else.
Children , child , Don't play with Grandpa's greasy hair just before suppertime.
Effectiveness Employment , applicant , Don't worry about my punctuation. I'll be on time every morning.
Animals Food Pets Quality Restaurants , customer , I'd ask for a doggie bag, but my dog wouldn't eat that if I paid him.
Crime Lawyers , accused justice , If I've got to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, what sort of fair trial is this gonna be?
Banks , Banking bank finance , Mr. Henderson, he's written another check!
Banks , Banking bank finance , The bank will lend you the money, but you have to prove to us that you don't really need it.
Children Education , Report Card , 'F' means 'fantastic.'
Dating , boat , My mother says either we get married or I shouldn't see you anymore.
Entertainment Leisure Marriage Sports , bet gambling horse horse racing racing , Don't look so miserable. Maybe the first seven horses will be disqualified.
Food Retail Food Retail , Discount Discount , D'you want a car order? Let's see... That's three hundred and forty dollars. Hold on! ....That can't be right. My mistake... It's thirty-four.... Someone get a glass of water.
Crime Lawyers , court , I don't wanna be a juror! Can't I be a witness?
Animals Leisure Marriage Pets Animals Leisure Marriage Pets , , I need some fresh air. I think you spend more time with that dog than you do with me! I don't know why you two didn't get married... I'm going to see my sister. Your move.
Entertainment , feet , Are you sure you're comfortable?
Employment , Personnel , You may be sort of overqualified.
Crime Lawyers Marriage , prison , You've got six wives waiting for you on the outside. Are you sure you want parole?
Doctors Ethics Health , doctor , Here, let me know if these work and I'll give them a try myself.
Doctors Ethics Health Marriage , doctor , Can you put my arm in a sling for a couple of weeks so I can get out of doing the dishes?
Crime Lawyers , cell prison , Fifteen years up already?
Quality Safety Service , barber , Just take a seat, son. You're next.
Marriage , bucket , Herman's a man of rare gifts. In 25 years, I've had one bunch of flowers.
Children Dating , child , They say opposites attract. There must be plenty of good-looking, intelligent girls around.
Marriage , argument , And another thing! I'm getting sick of you being so agreeable all the time.
Food Marriage , boat , If you don't like the soup, just say so!
Miscellaneous , boat rain weather , Is it still raining?
Banks Quality Retail Service Banks Quality Retail Service , Banking Banking , What a life! I hate these line-ups! It's always the same at this bank. They ripped me off for two bucks last month. If you can't trust your own bank.. ... Who can you trust? The whole world's gone crazy... STICK 'EM UP.
Effectiveness Health Innovation Safety Science , 78518 , I guess we should have tried it on the rats first.
Doctors Ethics , doctor , I asked that doctor over there what it would take to cure an upset stomach and he said about two hundred bucks.
Automobiles Effectiveness Health Innovation Automobiles Effectiveness Health Innovation , , What's he doing? Are you Okay? Fine! What's wrong with him? D'you need a doctor? No! Well, what are you doing? I found this parking space and my wife's gone to get the car..
Children Marriage Safety , child , I know the same thing happened on his last birthday. I'm 'accident prone.'
Children Marriage , child , Okay, just once more then it's bedtime.
Doctors Health , Exray hospital operation , I'll have to open you up again: That watch has great sentimental value to me.
Effectiveness Employment Quality Effectiveness Employment Quality , , I've been out of work for eight months! Most employers require some sort of qualifications or skills... Here's one.... 'No experience necessary... But must be able to work without supervision.. ...Honest and reliable'. What do you think? Got anything else?
Food Grooming Marriage Quality , comb , Oh goody! You found my comb.
Doctors Health Marriage Doctors Health Marriage , doctor doctor , The Doctor says he can see you Friday morning.
Food Marriage Sports Television , , Time out. ... SUPPER!
Animals Food Pets , dinner dog , I told him he could have your 'leftovers.'
Crime Ethics Government Crime Ethics Government , , Stand and deliver. I rob from the rich and I give to the poor. Hand it over! All I have is five crowns. Now you've taken all my money and I'm flat broke... I thought you said you gave to the poor! Okay, keep the noise down. I'll give you back two crowns. What about the other three? Service charge! You ever thought about working for the government?
Lodging Maintenance , flower pot gardening , I had to dig it all by hand.
Doctors Health Technology , cell phone , No, Doc, I'm not 'bionic'. I had a cellular phone in my back pocket.
Children Dating Employment Safety Children Dating Employment Safety , Circus Circus , Guess what Mike does for a living!
Children Employment Food Restaurants , Telephone , Hey Mom. I got that job. Get over here quick and show me what to do.
Effectiveness Employment Grooming Effectiveness Employment Grooming , Out Out , If you get up a little earlier in the mornings, you'd have more time to shave!
Crime Lawyers Travel Crime Lawyers Travel , convict justice prison convict justice prison , If I'm innocent 'til proven guilty, why can't I buzz off to Australia and you let me know how things turn out?
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , carpet , Quick! I spilled the plant food on the organic rug.
Lodging accounting , finances landlord , I know your landlord depends on the rent but you can't list him as a dependent.
Children Education Effectiveness Children Education Effectiveness , , Quiet! Settle down If John had five apples and Peter had four.... How many apples did they have together? Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine Eleven. Who said eleven? STAND UP
Children Friendship Grooming Lodging , bath , I'm just showing these guys around the place.
Effectiveness Employment Grooming Service , Chez Harry Beauty Salon , Just hang around here and whistle at the customers when they leave.
Friendship Leisure Marriage Sports Friendship Leisure Marriage Sports , , You're as ready as you'll ever be, Ralphy! Now remember.... Watch for the Left Jab followed by the Right Cross.... And the Uppercut. Right! Watch out for that Uppercut. Now get in there and give it your best shot. I'm NOT going to your sister's... I'm going FISHING.
Marriage , argument gardening , How DARE you shout at me like that in front of the plants.
Entertainment Grooming , movie , Hey lady! If you keep your rollers lined up with the screen, I'll be able to watch the movie.
Effectiveness Leisure Marriage , camera , You wasted all day taking those photos and the film is blank!
Dating Marriage , engagement ring , I guess I can always borrow a magnifying glass to show it to the girls at work.
Children Marriage Safety Sports , child , I'm well aware it's only a plastic sword. Don't interfere!
Education Employment , application , I'm not sneering at your qualifications. I just wasn't aware you could get a B.A. for 'flower arrangement'!
Effectiveness Food Marriage , dinner , It's baked turkey. The feathers turned black.
Children Ethics Miscellaneous Politics , grandaughter , You're not allowed to be a grandfather anymore; you're a 'grandperson.'
Retail Sales Service , logs , These fireplace logs are just pieces of a tree. Haven't you got any of the real plastic ones?
art , , For the money I'm paying, I hope you're painting the real me.
Employment , Boss , Only 12 more years and you'll be retiring.
Leisure Technology Travel Leisure Technology Travel , , Where are you? I'm home! I bought myself a new coat. Oh no! How much? It was 'On Sale'... It's not how much it cost.. ..It's how much I SAVED! I save FIFTY DOLLARS! Well, you'd better go back there and buy eight more coats... ...So you can save another four hundred to pay this month's RENT!
Children Ethics Military , Rocky , There you go! I forged your signature. You're in the Marines.
Doctors Health Service Doctors Health Service , , Pssst... Doctor... I'm sorry to barge in... But you'd better see that Mr. Johnstone... ..He's gone INVISIBLE! Whaddya mean, 'invisible'? He's completely invisible... And he's absolutely hopping mad. Well, he'll have to wait his turn... What's he mad about? He's been sitting in the waiting-room since Tuesday.
Marriage Travel , husband , What are you taking? We're only going for a walk in the park.
Entertainment Marriage Military Television , , Not another war movie!
Holidays Marriage , birthday , If I can't buy a really expensive birthday gift I won't buy anything. So I didn't get you anything.
Automobiles Doctors Health Sports , broken , Next time your car won't start, try calling a mechanic.
Children Music , child , I coulda sold a million albums by now if you hadn't made me take singing lessons.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , , I don't suppose you've sewn that button on my shirt? What are you watching? There's nothing else on! It's as bad on the other channels. Isn't there a movie on? Not until midnight... Good grief! Another four hours of this garbage... Don't keep complaining.. You'd have to be a moron to watch this junk!! Thanks. They must think we've got nothing better to do.
Friendship Marriage Friendship Marriage , , You must be joking! Oh no! ...He was so young... I can't believe it... What a tragedy! I know... Prime of his life... ...Must have happened fast... ...Last Saturday! AWFUL! He had everything going for him... What was all that about? Arthur got married.
Animals Leisure Safety , boat octopus , What?
Food Marriage , court judge justice , I admit it looks horrible but it's still not grounds for divorce.
Diet Food Health doctors , hospital , He'll be okay. He overdosed on sunflower seeds.
Children Food Marriage , baby , You gotta stop throwing food at Daddy.
Sports , Rocky , How can I throw in the towel before round one?
Automobiles Service , Last Gas for Miles Closed , NO CAPTION, - MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF SIGN THAT READS LAST GAS FOR 42 MILES AND IT IS CLOSED.
Crime Lawyers , prison , Been here long, Pop?
Children Doctors Marriage Safety , child , Wake up! He's practicing to be a doctor and wants to saw off your leg.
Children , Maternity birth child child birth hospital , I hope all that screaming is not from the one I'm getting.
, , You never learn, do you? What a mess! I suppose you realize you wrecked the car... .. The insurance will be double next year... Are you listening? Now you're gonna lay around here for six months.... My mother warned me about you years ago! ... ....You're a BORN LOSER!!! ARE YOU LISTENING? I'm over here.
Crime Restaurants food , chinese , This fortune cookie says, 'Very sorry, your overcoat stolen.'
Doctors Health Sales Doctors Health Sales , doctor doctor , It's a marvelous idea, Doc! You fill 'em up with flu vaccine and put them on all the chairs in your waiting room.
Music Music , Centre , Where do I put my mouth?
Grooming Retail , New Pants , Got any wide-bottom shirts?
Children Education Marriage , child , Now that you're in Grade 4, Daddy's not going to be able to help you with your homework anymore.
Doctors Employment Ethics Sports , Telephone golf , Yeah, well I guess if the Doc says to stay in bed for the rest of the day, I'd better stay.
Grooming Marriage , husband , I know you take a shower almost every day. You almost took one Monday, you almost took one Tuesday...
Doctors Health , doctor , The Doctor says he'll see the gentleman with the Ebola virus first.
Children Food Marriage , child , I can get a court order to stop you from teaching her to cook.
Aliens Government Miscellaneous Travel Aliens Government Miscellaneous Travel , UFO UFO , We'll have to stop soon. I forgot to fill up!! Thirty billion miles... Only you would run out of gas in a place like this! .... You shot right past Pluto...... And Saturn.. I bet they're having another war. Of all places to stop! ... EARTH! ..You know what it's like down there! Don't keep griping.. Put your seatbelt on. Oh no! It's starting already. ...Parking ticket.
Grooming Marriage , bald , If you're gonna buy a hairpiece, buy one! Don't keep drawing all over the mirrors.
Food Marriage , dinner , I know you're a good cook, but I distinctly remember asking for a cheese sandwich.
Crime , detectives , The only description he can give us is brown shoes, black laces.
Fashion Grooming Retail Sales , Paint , You'll need a lighter shade with that tie.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Science Technology , doctor , We implant this behind your left ear and you won't even know it's there.
Leisure Marriage Military , boat , Now I know why you were a cook in the Navy.
Employment , Reception , Mr. Kelly, that man's here about the job. He doesn't look too bright.
Art Employment Television , Agent acting , I know you want to play Hamlet, but for this television commercial you're a stick of celery.
Innovation Lodging , Estate Real Real Estate fire pole , You'll get used to it. A fireman lives upstairs.
Effectiveness Employment Retail Sales Service , Shoes , I'll take over, Wilson.
Effectiveness Employment , Key Pout , Keep out! Keep out! K-E-E-P O-U-T.
Children Marriage , child , Mom, why don't you get a divorce and marry someone with more money?
Children Lodging Safety Sports , child , Sorry about your window, I'm practicing for the Olympics.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bath , I've unclogged the upstairs bath.
Marriage , bar , They say you get what you pay for: It cost me $4 for a marriage license.
Holidays Marriage , christmas , Just stay under there and give everybody else a happy Christmas.
Children , child , No, you can't wear it to school. Put it back on the wall.
Food Holidays Marriage , christmas , We don't need to buy a turkey. I've still got last year's leftovers.
Lodging Maintenance Safety , axe neighbor , Can I borrow your chain saw now?
Doctors Ethics Health , doctor operation , Of course your operation is necessary ... I have to buy a new car.
Holidays Marriage Retail Holidays Marriage Retail , , May I help you, Sir? What can I buy my wife for Christmas? What are her interests? She doesn't have any interests... except maybe TV..... How refreshing! WHat about something for the kitchen? Now there's an idea! Got any fire extinguishers?
Effectiveness Maintenance Marriage , clothes line , As you can see, the Genius fixed my washer!
Safety Travel , Gate , How was Africa?
Children Holidays Children Holidays , child child , You'd better not bring my brother anything!
Children Education Marriage Science Children Education Marriage Science , , Are you asleep, Grandpa? Grandpa.... Do you know anything about the workings of the human body? I mean... We're just muscles and bones and stuff... And we don't have an engine! What makes us MOVE? How many times do I have to tell you to take out that garbage? It's called 'fear'.
Effectiveness Innovation Mail Military Safety , , Get back here as soon as it's delivered.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , , DISgusting! Do you know what you're doing to your lungs? You're a prime candidate for dozens of cripplilng diseases. Apart from that.. ....You're polluting the air other people have to breather. If you don't care about yourself... Think of others! He just quit himself this morning.
Automobiles Effectiveness Employment , bed , I know you've been late for work twice this week but it's ridiculous to sleep in the car all night!
Fashion Retail Sales , jacket , Listen, if you buy the jacket, we'll burn the one you're wearing free of charge.
Effectiveness Retail Sales Service , butcher , The reason meat is expensive is because no one ever argues with a guy holding one of these.
Quality Restaurants Service , , Er..Waiter I hate to trouble you but my wife didn't get a fork. Don't leave him a tip.
Effectiveness Quality Retail Effectiveness Quality Retail , , Got any soup plates? Do you have any soup plates? Toothpaste? No, not toothpaste.... Soup plates. What? SOUP PLATES Soup plates. Alright, alright! You don't have to shout. Regular or Spearmint?
Leisure Marriage Sports Leisure Marriage Sports , , Come in, Joyce. I could do with some company. What's the Old Misery looking so happy about? Ignore him! He played golf this morning and broke the club record for nine holes. That's great! You should be proud. How many strokes? Three hundred and eighty-seven.
Leisure Marriage , bugs picnic , I told you to use my insect spray.
Government Mail , , How sweet! A birthday card mailed in 1986!
Children Retail Sales , Ice Cream Flavours , How does it feel to take some little kid's last dollar?
Marriage Restaurants Service , husband , Will you get outta here with that romantic junk!
Quality Retail Sales Technology Television Quality Retail Sales Technology Television , , I've been in this business for twenty years. I want to show you this one. ...It's expensive, but you get what you pay for nowadays. A set like that will last you twenty years.... Look at those flesh tones! It takes a few seconds to warm up. They all do that when they're new. Six-month warranty!
Holidays Leisure Marriage , camping , I'm NOT going camping. If you wanna get back to nature, take the screen off the window.
Government Marriage Service , Missing Persons , Hey, Harry! Look at this guy's wife.
Friendship Miscellaneous Service , booze , Say when.
Diet Food Health Marriage , box , Did you say this pizza gave you indigestion?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , sign , NO CAPTION, - MAN AT RESTAURANT READING SIGN THAT SAYS WE CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR FOOD SERVED ON THESE PREMISES
Employment Marriage , friend , Did she tell you I got a job down at the fish market?
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Don't do that while I'm eating!
Animals Effectiveness art , , It's called 'Pigeons Beware.'
Dentistry Marriage , false teeth , I hope you used warm water. I don't want to listen to those things chattering all night.
Marriage Retail , dinner , Next time you go to the store, get some proper paper napkins.
Children Dentistry , candy , Look what she did to my candy bar!
Effectiveness Marriage Quality , gift , This watch you bought me is a great conversation piece. I have to ask everybody the time!
Marriage Military Safety , bomb , Well, when he comes back from lunch, tell him his war souvenir is making clicking noises.
Sports Training , chop karate , You can't be expected to get it right the first time!
Dating , beach , Boy, Harry, you sure look different without your wallet!
Children Entertainment Technology Television , , Grandpa, how do you change channels on this set?
Children Employment Training , child , If you don't learn a trade, how are you going to know what kind of work you're out of?
Children Marriage , baby , He's got your hair!
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , , Looks like it's gonna be a nice day. I'm your new neighbor... Just moved into the house next door. I was wondering if you would lend me a bucket of water. What's wrong with your own water? It's in my kitchen! So? So, I can't get in there... Why not? It's on fire!
Dentistry Service , dentist , Do you think the current economic policies will do anything to ease the unemployment situation?
Effectiveness Marriage Quality , coat , I see you finally sewed on my button.
Marriage Quality Service , barber , Why didn't you tell me your ex-boyfriend was the guy who cuts my hair?
Children Dating , boyfriend , My sister just gave me two dollars not to tell you something.
Education Employment , applicant , How can I be overqualified? I left school when I was eight!
Doctors Health , clothes , Okay, I'm coming out now. Close your eyes!
Restaurants Sales Service , Hot Dogs , I'm sorry sir, customers are required to wear a jacket.
Retail Sales Service , salesman , I haven't got those in a twelve, but I can let you have a pair of size nines for half price.
Children Leisure Sports , ball , He told me to throw it as hard as I could.
Lodging Maintenance Quality Service , house , You the guy who called a plumber?
Quality Service Technology Television Quality Service Technology Television , , Can you take a look at my TV? The On/Off switch keeps sticking. This set is two years old! You'll have to leave it here for a few days... It may need a complete overhaul.... Give me a call sometime next week.
Friendship Marriage , chair , How come every time we have company, I get stuck with this chair?
Crime Lodging Crime Lodging , , May I help you? I want to report a burglary. What's the name? I don't know! He wouldn't tell me. Who wouldn't? The burglar! I WANT YOUR NAME! Do I look like the kind of guy who'd rob his own house?
Doctors Health , bed hospital nurse , Hospital regulations. You have to wear the straps while I read the bill.
Marriage Religion , church , That bit about 'love, honor and obey.' Is that me or her?
Doctors Health , bed hospital operation , Butcher Harris is doing this one tomorrow morning.
Banks Crime Effectiveness Banks Crime Effectiveness , , Good morning, sir. How much for a safety-deposit box? Fifteen dollars, or twenty-two for the large size. I'll take one of the big ones. You'll have to fill out this card. You can use that room over there. THERE'S NOTHING IN IT!
Dating accounting , accountant , Ma! I just met this new guy. He's not good-looking or anything but he's an accountant.
Marriage Restaurants Service , bottle , I'm sure you'll agree, we don't want an epidemic.
Employment Safety Employment Safety , , Come in. Chief, d'you think I could have the day off tomorrow? We're really busy..... It's just that my mother-in-law is taking her driver's test. So why do you have to go? Go? I'm not going! I wanna stay off the streets!
Crime Employment Ethics , Profits 1997 finance , As most of you know, our company treasurer won't be with us for the next fifteen annual meetings.
Entertainment Friendship Lodging Marriage Television , neighbor , I told them they could watch 'til theirs was fixed.
Employment Marriage , hat , They made me 'Assistant Floor Manager' today.
Lodging Marriage , door , It's okay! I found the keys.
Crime Lawyers , bars prison , Four months, eight days, five hours and twenty minutes. Four months, eight days, five hours and nineteen minutes...
Grooming Marriage , hat , I wish you hadn't worn that tie. It doesn't go with your jacket.
Marriage Sales , pot salesman , I'm sorry. I thought you were my husband.
Employment , , There aren't any jobs as movie actors. What about a dishwasher?
Dating Doctors Health , bandage , So I said to her, 'how about giving me something to remember you by?'
Children Education , History , Can you believe this? Our history teacher wants us to go back all the way to 1985.
Religion , , I'm sure he'll be sorry he missed you.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , We can't elope. I haven't got a suitcase.
Diet Doctors Health Marriage , bed , I phoned the doctor. You're supposed to get plenty of fluids.
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , Palmistry Palmistry , If you're thinking of buying lottery tickets, save your money.
Animals Lawyers Pets Animals Lawyers Pets , dog dog , What do you mean, you 'got custody'?
Friendship Marriage Friendship Marriage , bandage bandage , I said we ought to iron out our differences so she hit me with the steam iron.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , menu menu , I said, I would like a pitcher of water.
Marriage Marriage , fence fence , In 10 years, she changed from a ballerina to a sports arena.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Heel.
Marriage Philosophy Marriage Philosophy , cave cave , You want a career? Try chasing bloodthirsty animals with a homemade spear.
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , Breakfast Breakfast , I'll have my usual: two eggs over greasy.
Marriage Marriage , birthday cake birthday cake , I dropped your cake.
Sales Sales , fairy fairy , Three wishes for a dollar.
Diet Effectiveness Diet Effectiveness , , THINK THIN NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , , Where else will you get an eight-seater for that price?
Animals Leisure Sports Animals Leisure Sports , duck duck , If you're bored with duck hunting, go home.
Science Science , ape man ape man , His great great-grandfather on his mother's side was a Neanderthal.
Sports Sports , , My wife needs plenty of warning with the lemonade.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , Coffee Second Cup Free Coffee Second Cup Free , I bought the first cup last Tuesday.
Entertainment Marriage Television , , There's nothing on TV. D'you want to have an argument?
Marriage Marriage , check book check book , When are you gonna understand? We're not 'jet-set' we're 'train-set'.
Advertising Advertising , , Let's get out of here.
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , bride bride , Goodbye and good luck.
Quality Restaurants food Quality Restaurants food , , 'Catch of the Day' is fish sticks.
Health Health , Your Weight Your Weight , It says. 'Owee. Ouch-ouch. Get off. Quick. Oh, please. GET OFF!!!'
Grooming Maintenance Grooming Maintenance , jack jack , Your wife stuck in the bath again?
Health Health , bed bed , Go to sleep. Everybody has one foot bigger than the other.
Health Service Health Service , ambulance ambulance , Two cheeseburgers to go.
Lodging Maintenance Service Lodging Maintenance Service , flood flood , You won't find it under 'plumber'. Look under 'drainage engineer.'
Art Grooming art Art Grooming art , gallery gallery , It's Julius Caesar taking a bath.
Health Health , Prescriptions Prescriptions , Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
Quality Retail Sales Quality Retail Sales , old lady old lady , That's guaranteed waterproof if you go down to 100 meters.
Diet Doctors Health Diet Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I see you're back to five meals a day.
Effectiveness Travel Effectiveness Travel , Airline Airline , Your flight left two hours early owing to a malfunction in the captain's watch.
Doctors Effectiveness Travel Doctors Effectiveness Travel , bandage bandage , If I let you drive yourself home, are you going to be turning left or right?
Fashion Fashion , dress dress , Vertical stripes will definitely make you look slimmer.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance , dishes dishes , I promised to do the dishes on her birthday.
Employment Health Marriage Employment Health Marriage , Get Well Soon Get Well Soon , You didn't tell me there was a Cynthia and a Janice at your work.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , scale scale , Any luck?
Advertising Retail Advertising Retail , Everything Reduced Everything Reduced , Not quite everything.
Entertainment Restaurants Entertainment Restaurants , Menu Menu , I thought this place had a floor show.
Employment Employment , boss boss , You can't fire me, Bradley! You have to SELL slaves.
Health Politics Health Politics , needle needle , Give me a few seconds to prepare myself.
Children Education Technology Children Education Technology , child child , How d'you expect me to do all this homework without a computer?
Animals Safety Animals Safety , Zoo Beware The Lion Zoo Beware The Lion , Any escapes today?
, boxing gloves boxing gloves , Herman, I want a word with you about loading a dishwasher.
Animals Lodging Pets Animals Lodging Pets , dog dog , I found wheel tracks in my roses again.
Retail Service Retail Service , Please Take Number Please Take Number , You need to take two numbers to buy a pair of hinges.
Marriage Marriage Marriage Marriage , Guidance Guidance , ÒAnd stop burning the poor guyÕs breakfast!ÓÓ
Fashion Retail Fashion Retail , hat hat , Is it for your wife or do you want to wear it home?
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , bill bill , The 50-cent surcharge is for the clean fork I brought you when you dropped the other one.
Fashion Fashion , Suits Made Measure Suits Made Measure , Seventy-five degrees.
Food Quality Food Quality , , Use your fingers.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , Menu Menu , What does he want to eat, a bowl of ants?
Entertainment Entertainment , box box , So this is your private box at the theater!
Retail Sales Retail Sales , Pots Pots , Why don't you try it out before you buy it?
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , Real Estate plant Real Estate plant , GET OFF MY LAND!
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , bull horns bull horns , Got any non-dairy creamer?
Quality Restaurants Quality Restaurants , cook cook , You the guy with the fly in his soup?
Retail Retail , Jewlry Jewlry , How can you tell if an uncut diamond is genuine?
Safety Technology Safety Technology , armr armr , I caught my arm in a copy machine.
Effectiveness Safety Effectiveness Safety , bandages bandages , He was trying to fill a disposable lighter.
Fashion Fashion , Fire Fire , I told you to get size 10.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , , It's for my mother-in-law. Got anything rabid?
Doctors Doctors , patient patient , I'd say they're about the most pathetic fantasies I've ever heard.
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , Why should I be the only one to suffer?
Miscellaneous Travel Miscellaneous Travel , couch couch , Make sure you stop a car with a roof-rack.
Food Marriage Food Marriage , cliff cliff , Are you going to drink this coffee or shall I throw it away?
Children Crime Food Restaurants Children Crime Food Restaurants , Beer Beer , Hand over all the french fries, you dirty rat.
Marriage Marriage Marriage Marriage , Licenses Licenses , Before you start the wisecracks, it's for my granddaughter.
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , Yummies Yummies , I gotta leave you on your own for a few weeks.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , Wallpaper Wallpaper , Two rolls of anything. It's for our bedroom.
Miscellaneous Sales Miscellaneous Sales , For Sale Real Estate For Sale Real Estate , We're not trying to sell your house; we're selling the planet.
Food animals pets Food animals pets , dog dog , He doesn't like anchovies!
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , , Can I use your phone?
Food Marriage Food Marriage , husband husband , Don't tell me your mother's coming here for dinner!
Food Marriage Food Marriage , frying pan frying pan , I hit my arm. Two of your sausages are under the dishwasher and one flew out the window.
Children Health Children Health , child child , Are you sure there wasn't a full moon last night?
Animals Banks Pets Animals Banks Pets , Banking Loans Banking Loans , He didn't say 'No', he said 'Maybe.'
Children Newspapers Safety Children Newspapers Safety , axe axe , Will you please take this chopper away from him. I'm trying to read.
Miscellaneous Quality Miscellaneous Quality , , Would you say you are, 'extremely happy,' 'happy', 'average' or 'bored stiff'?
Employment Employment , boss boss , First things first. Get your stomach off my desk.
Marriage , frying pan , Do you recognize this pan as the one your wife used?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , Prescriptions Prescriptions , Did you say one a day or two a day.
Advertising Holidays Retail Advertising Holidays Retail , ONLY 358 SHOPPING DAYS CHRISTMAS ONLY 358 SHOPPING DAYS CHRISTMAS , ONLY 358 SHOPPING DAYS TO CHRISTMAS NO CAPTION
Doctors Doctors , doctor doctor , Does that hurt?
Animals Pets Safety Animals Pets Safety , bug bug , What'sa matter with that goofy cat?
Grooming Service Grooming Service , barber barber , Here comes this week's challenge!
Travel Travel , Next Next , NEXT GAS? NO CAPTION
Food Food , bread bread , Bread dough or not ... you'd better go and get my gun.
Health , hospital , My wife wants to read for a while so I thought I'd watch you guys.
Animals Fashion Travel Animals Fashion Travel , arrows arrows , Pity ... would've made a nice set of luggage.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor office doctor office , The doctor will see you now Mr. Harris.
Marriage Marriage , boards boards , Your mother just phoned ... she's coming over.
Children Retail Children Retail , Toy Dept Toy Dept , My sister wants to exchange this for a radio-controlled tank.
Fashion Retail Fashion Retail , boots boots , No, I don't think so. I haven't got a pilot's license.
Effectiveness Health Innovation Effectiveness Health Innovation , Stop Smoking Kit Stop Smoking Kit , Think it'll work?
Art Art , , NO CAPTION
Grooming Retail Grooming Retail , Cologne Cologne , This one's a best seller. It makes you smell taller.
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , If I didn't have all my faults, I wouldn't have had to marry a creep like you.
Ethics Restaurants Ethics Restaurants , menu menu , You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
Food Maintenance Food Maintenance , fish fish , Whaddyer want for supper, fish or meat?
Health Technology Health Technology , bicycle bicycle , I hear you got an artificial heart.
Effectiveness Employment , boss , Let me guess! You're our new security guard.
Children Science Children Science , child child , Did your mother say you could build a nuclear device?
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , Salad Bar Salad Bar , Gimme a gin and lettuce.
Marriage Military Marriage Military , army army , Your wife phoned. She said if you want toast for breakfast, bring home a loaf of bread!
Crime Lodging Crime Lodging , cleaning lady cleaning lady , Anybody know the time?
Children Children , DAILIES LSLI LSLI DAILIES TIF TIF child DAILIES LSLI LSLI DAILIES TIF TIF child , Can I get an advance on my inheritance?
Art Leisure Art Leisure , , He painted that one on our camping trip.
Grooming Grooming , bald bald , You've got a nice little recession of your own going on up here!
Friendship Marriage Safety , friend , Joe's my bodyguard while I tell you where I've been all night.
Children Education Lawyers Children Education Lawyers , History Test Answers For History Test Answers For , The court ruled in his favor.
Grooming Grooming , automobile automobile , I thought you liked this perfume?
Effectiveness Friendship Effectiveness Friendship , arrow arrow , I think he wants to be friends!
Diet Doctors Food Friendship Health Diet Doctors Food Friendship Health , , He asked me to put some ketchup in here.
Leisure Leisure , bowling ball bowling ball , I'm just going over to the bowling lanes to get a candy bar.
Crime Employment Crime Employment , bullets bullets , I got a job housekeeping for a motorcycle gang.
Effectiveness Fashion Effectiveness Fashion , husband husband , The neck's too tight.
Automobiles Children Dating Automobiles Children Dating , child child , Boy, if you could see my date for Saturday, you'd go straight out and buy a new car.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , It always speeds up when I take my clothes off.
Children Children , child child , We're gonna have supper as soon as you shove off.
Doctors Safety Doctors Safety , accidents tuba waiting room accidents tuba waiting room , The doctor won't be long. Would you like a magazine?
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , dog dog , He may as well have mine, now!
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , bride bride , This is your last chance, Steve.
Animals Animals , Gorilla Gorilla , He must have remembered your banana cake.
Food Food , gun gun , It wasn't THAT under-cooked.
Ethics Sports Ethics Sports , armour armour , Technically, you could say you dis-armed him.
Government Travel Government Travel , Customs DAILIES LSLI LSLI DAILIES TIF TIF Customs DAILIES LSLI LSLI DAILIES TIF TIF , Stay alert. They've tripled the import duty on wallpaper.
Philosophy Philosophy , friend friend , His idea of life in the fast lane is going through the express checkout with a can of prune juice.
Marriage Marriage , bed bed , I don't care if he is your grandfather; he's not staying another week.
Marriage Safety Marriage Safety , gun gun , Don't look at me like that, I was polishing it.
Crime Travel , bandit , You haven't signed these traveler's checks.
Safety Science Safety Science , invisible man invisible man , It's going take an hour to wear off. What do you want to do?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , Blood Clinic Give Blood Blood Clinic Give Blood , How d'ya feel about giving a quart?
Banks Banks , Banking Loans Banking Loans , Your interest starts now.
Effectiveness Entertainment Technology Effectiveness Entertainment Technology , earphone earphone , She doesn't buy many luxuries but she loves her stereo.
Entertainment Entertainment , husband husband , Do you have to keep saying 'bunch of junk' every five minutes. I'm enjoying it!
Dating Dating , boyfriend boyfriend , I'm sorry I'm two hours late, but are you nearly ready?
Safety Safety , pumpkins pumpkins , He was the world's greatest juggler.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , bed bed , You should see the pills I have to take.
Lodging Quality Lodging Quality , chair chair , George makes all our own furniture.
Animals Effectiveness Newspapers Pets Animals Effectiveness Newspapers Pets , dog dog , He fetched it upside down again.
Service Service , Now Locations Serve You Now Locations Serve You , I'm outside the railway station after 3 o'clock.
Miscellaneous aliens Miscellaneous aliens , , This is 'Earth'. We don't hang around here too long - they're all bananas.
Children Religion Children Religion , baby baby , After you've finished the baby, I'd like to change my name to 'Lance.'
Quality Restaurants Safety Quality Restaurants Safety , axe axe , STOMACH PUMP BREAK GLASS NO CAPTION
Animals Restaurants Animals Restaurants , birds birds , Would you prefer to eat inside?
Health Restaurants Health Restaurants , Menu Menu , Guess what 'catch of the day' is.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed bed , I've got good news and bad news. We found you a donor, but the guy was 104 years old.
Mail Mail , , Where do I get stamps?
Marriage Marriage , antlers antlers , It's the same every spring.
Children Education Children Education , chalkboard chalkboard , When I said 2 x 4 equals 5, I meant after taxes!
Automobiles , automobile , My foot slipped off the gas pedal.
Doctors Service Doctors Service , doctor doctor , Take your time, Doc. I'm enjoying reading 'Predictions for 1978'.
Health Health , nurse nurse , Well, I just hope I look as good as you do on my 110th birthday.
Animals Mail Animals Mail , fence fence , Never trust a dog that smiles at you like that.
Crime Crime , chain chain , Someone's stolen my bicycle!
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , dress dress , It's me. I'm changing my image.
Holidays Religion accounting Holidays Religion accounting , accountant accountant , I am well aware that it's a religious holiday. But Christmas expenses are not deductible from your taxes.
Dating Dating , jane jane , If you Jane, me not Tarzan.
Art Children Art Children , artist artist , You're not as good as my brother.
Banks Retail Banks Retail , Banking Loans Banking Loans , Let's see, I need $899 plus 7 percent sales tax.
Service Service , Taxi Taxi , Get me to the airport in 10 minutes and I may overlook this filthy cab.
Technology Television Technology Television , , It's not the electronics. You've got wood-rot.
Effectiveness Fashion Effectiveness Fashion , Menswear Menswear , Waterproof up to 60 fathoms.
Advertising Retail Advertising Retail , Antique Sale Antique Sale , The oldest thing in there was the woman selling tickets.
Children Mail Children Mail , , I gotta pay income tax on that $5 Grandpa gave me!
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , cafeteria cafeteria , She tries to watch what she eats but her eyes aren't quick enough.
Fashion Military Fashion Military , arrow arrow , It missed my new hat by an inch.
Service Travel Service Travel , Taxi Taxi , Anyone else for the airport?
Animals Religion Animals Religion , ark ark , I think I'll just take one of these!
Crime Effectiveness Government Crime Effectiveness Government , convict convict , We found him hiding in a laundry basket.
Marriage Marriage , bed bed , Lights out!
Children Education Science Children Education Science , child child , My teacher assures me that genetics have absolutely nothing to do with the development of the brain.
Government Service Travel Government Service Travel , automobile automobile , Nervous flyer. ... He promised me an extra 10 bucks if I miss his plane.
Education Education , Income Tax Made Easy Income Tax Made Easy , Here's that book you ordered, 'Income Tax Made Easy.'
Doctors Health Doctors Health , couch couch , You are two completely different personalities. That'll be $100 each.
Effectiveness Service Effectiveness Service , king king , Why don't you listen? I said bring me a WENCH.
Ethics Philosophy Ethics Philosophy , drinks drinks , So I said to him, 'Where is it written down that women should always be the one to look after a baby'?
Food Quality Restaurants Food Quality Restaurants , chicken burger chicken burger , Who ordered the chicken burger?
Dating Employment Dating Employment , Chips Chips , I thought you said you were in shipping.
Retail Sales Retail Sales , Refunds Refunds , I'll just pay you when I'm sure I like it.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , Top Security Top Security , I told him he was allowed one phone call and he called dial-a-joke!
Leisure Sports Leisure Sports , arrows arrows , George is a big game hunter.
Travel Travel , airplane airplane , He said he just saw his suitcase fly past the window.
Insurance Marriage Insurance Marriage , husband husband , My life insurance company has offered me a premium reduction if I promise not to eat your cooking.
Automobiles Travel Automobiles Travel , Gas Gas , I think we're in trouble. He doesn't even know what a car is!
Effectiveness Safety Effectiveness Safety , Tropical Plants Tropical Plants , There's a $100 bill in here.
Children Religion Children Religion , baby baby , 'Randolph' if it's a boy, 'Jeanette' if it's a girl.
Maintenance Maintenance , Found Found , No Caption
Fashion Religion Service Fashion Religion Service , Hat Check Hat Check , Can't you remember your number?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Your skeletal structure can't support your weight anymore.
Quality Restaurants Safety Quality Restaurants Safety , menu menu , Sorry about the accident. Do you want to order something else from the menu?
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , cook cook , Chicken soup, without noodles.
Children Technology Children Technology , baby baby , Breaker-one-nine, breaker-one-nine. I need a glass of water.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , It was just a bit of bad luck that 11 of your twelve jurors had their homes burgled in the past year.
Health Health , Prescriptions Prescriptions , Read the instructions very, very, very, very, carefully.
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , beggar beggar , Have you finished with that?
Holidays Travel Holidays Travel , airport airport , All I said was, 'Open your suitcase'.
Lawyers Marriage Lawyers Marriage , Courtroom Courtroom , I hope this divorce lasts longer than your last one.
Construction Death Construction Death , egyptian egyptian , None of those buildings used to be there.
Friendship Friendship , Telephone Telephone , Have you got $38 worth of quarters?
Quality Service Technology Quality Service Technology , Kitchen Appliances Kitchen Appliances , It woke me up two hours late with a cold cup of coffee.
Safety Safety , bandage bandage , They said you were wearing this when you dived off the roof.
Effectiveness Television Effectiveness Television , Weather Forecast Weather Forecast , The next six months will be mainly sunny or cloudy, with dry and rainy spells. Winds will be from most directions.
, bride , It's his first time.
Crime Lodging Safety Crime Lodging Safety , Fire Fire , I'd like to make an appointment for 8 o'clock Tuesday.
Doctors Health Safety Doctors Health Safety , CONTAGIOUS DISEASES NOT THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE CONTAGIOUS DISEASES NOT THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE , CONTAGIOUS DISEASES DEPT. DO NOT FOLLOW: THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE NO CAPTION
Employment Music Employment Music , Harpsichord Tuners Strike Harpsichord Tuners Strike , We haven't had a contract since 1742!
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , 2015 2015 , I know you got 30 years! But you still have to pay my legal fees.
Employment Lodging Employment Lodging , Ohm Sweet Ohm Ohm Sweet Ohm , He makes $85 an hour as an electrician.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , Vet Vet , Don't ask.
Innovation Science Technology Innovation Science Technology , boss boss , You asked us to build a computer which could replace the government.
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , , Which way do you think it's facing?
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , big foot big foot , Every summer we get another rash of 'Littlefoot' sightings.
Crime Crime , accused accused , What if everyone went around pouring catsup over their mother-in-law?
Children Dating Children Dating , child child , I know women change after marriage. That's why I found someone who can't cook and argues all the time.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , arms arms , You've got Dutch elm disease.
Animals Animals , fly fly , Are you sure you got it?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , How come my sister gets big blue capsules and I get cough syrup?
Animals Food Restaurants Animals Food Restaurants , chef chef MiG , I'll have two eggs and some H ... A ... M.
, fat lady fat lady , Guess who?
Quality Restaurants food Quality Restaurants food , , Take that back! It tastes like the stuff my wife makes.
Children Education Children Education , bed bed , I'm studying astrophysics and you're reading me 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears'!
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bowl bowl , They won't breed like that! Push the bowls closer together.
Children Diet Food Children Diet Food , adult adult , We didn't eat all that junk food when I was a kid.
Effectiveness Innovation Leisure Sports Effectiveness Innovation Leisure Sports , ball ball , I'm gonna use this ball. I keep losing the other ones.
Government Newspapers Government Newspapers , groceries groceries , Are they allowed to give me five parking tickets in one day?
Animals Ethics Pets Animals Ethics Pets , husband husband , How could anyone flush a goldfish down a sink?
Children Marriage Children Marriage , child child , Mom found your credit cards under the mattress and she's gone shopping.
Government Miscellaneous Travel Government Miscellaneous Travel , Immigration Immigration , Let me do the talking.
Children Children , baby baby , He's got his grandfather's nose.
Grooming Grooming , comb comb , Make up your mind. Do you want me to cut your hair or you going to a barber?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , bandage bandage , D'you want me to pull it off fast or slow?
Children Children , baby baby , They haven't built the crib that can hold me.
Automobiles Automobiles , wheel wheel , My wife took the car and that came home on its own.
Diet Food Restaurants Diet Food Restaurants , fat lady fat lady , Sure I'll take you out to dinner! Which two restaurants?
Holidays Holidays , Hotel Hotel , Give me a wake-up call around new year.
Friendship Politics Safety Friendship Politics Safety , Save The Whale Save The Whale , I never said a word. He said it!
Children Holidays Children Holidays , child child , Can you manage that lot in one night?
Automobiles Training Automobiles Training , Driver School Motoring Driver School Motoring , My husband will be doing all the parking.
Holidays Sales Service Holidays Sales Service , birthday birthday , Must be the flowers I ordered for you birthday.
Holidays Retail Holidays Retail , plant plant , That is not a Christmas tree, that is a Christmas plant.
Service Service , Information Information , What are you asking me for?
Retail Retail , Jewelry Jewelry , I hate to leave without buying something.
Restaurants Restaurants , ice bucket ice bucket , Not so much ice next time.
Health Innovation Health Innovation , fat lady fat lady , 204 lbs. on the left and 189 lbs. on the right.
Employment Holidays Employment Holidays , boss boss , That's the fifth time you've wished me a Merry Christmas; what are you up to?
Children Holidays Children Holidays , bed bed , They're still awake.
Marriage Marriage , friend friend , We went to Greece for a second honeymoon. Six days and seven fights.
Doctors Health Holidays Doctors Health Holidays , bandage bandage , You can go home for Christmas.
Crime Holidays Lawyers Crime Holidays Lawyers , accused accused , Will you please tell the court if this is the man you saw standing on the corner.
Automobiles Automobiles , Auto Parts Auto Parts , I need the front of a Ford and the back of a Toyota.
Holidays Retail Service Holidays Retail Service , Christmas Gift Wrapping Christmas Gift Wrapping , Want a bow on it?
Food Lodging Maintenance Food Lodging Maintenance , door door , Here's your supper. I've waxed the floor.
Leisure Leisure , Water Slide Water Slide , The management thinks you may cause a tsunami.
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage Effectiveness Grooming Marriage , husband husband , If that's supposed to improve your looks, it worked!
Holidays Marriage Holidays Marriage , christmas tree christmas tree , Socks again! I bought you a digital watch.
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , , Extraterrestrials have landed.
Animals Food Animals Food , bed bed , It was in the freezer and must have thawed out!
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , chair chair , I can't find the steak anywhere.
Children Holidays Children Holidays , bed bed , Get the Christmas stuff wrapped. They must be asleep by now.
Banks Dating Banks Dating , Banking Loans Banking Loans , I'm sorry, we do not lend Miss Perkins.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , Menu Menu , Would you like a drink whilst the chef is trying to catch the catch of the day?
Effectiveness Leisure Sports Effectiveness Leisure Sports , moose moose , He almost made it across the river.
Animals Health Pets Animals Health Pets , dog dog , See what happens when you have too many walkies!
Entertainment Government Entertainment Government , magician magician , You're being charged with 'disturbing the ambience.'
Quality Restaurants Quality Restaurants , Cafe Cafe , There's a fly in my straw.
Fashion Retail Service Fashion Retail Service , Shirts Shirts , What are the chances of exchanging a red and green shirt with blue stripes?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I can't hear any problems, but that's not surprising.
Fashion Marriage Fashion Marriage , friend friend , This is my husband, the last of the big suspenders.
Automobiles Maintenance Automobiles Maintenance , Air Air , OK, OK, that's enough!
Animals Children Pets Animals Children Pets , child child , He's the equivalent of 49 years old, but he's not intelligent enough to get crabby!
Health Health , Out Patients Out Patients , I thought my shoe was squeaking for a while and then my foot fell off.
Safety Travel Safety Travel , airplane airplane , Hey, stewardess. Can you do the seat-belt demonstration a few more times.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , bandage bandage , I've been at the hospital all day. My wife lost her voice.
Maintenance Maintenance , ladder ladder , Let's try once more. We could get lucky the third time.
Holidays Leisure Travel Holidays Leisure Travel , beach beach , Here, you wanted a shark's-tooth necklace. Dig those outa my leg.
Mail Mail , Fragile Fragile , Sign here.
Health Health , bed bed , He's a very difficult patient.
Children Religion Children Religion , baby baby , Rambo ... Terminator ... Michael.
Art Marriage Quality Art Marriage Quality , artist artist , The art teacher told us not to get disheartened if our first portrait looked like a hippopotamus with a hat on.
Advertising Sports Advertising Sports , Pizza Pizza , It's getting too commercial.
Crime Lawyers Marriage Crime Lawyers Marriage , accused accused , Is that all you have to show the Court in your defence?
Maintenance Maintenance , indians indians , Do you ever get static cling?
Quality Retail Service Quality Retail Service , pot pot , Look in the brochure. See if it says it's dishwasher safe.
Restaurants Restaurants , diner diner , Haven't you got any bigger tables?
Advertising Miscellaneous Sports Advertising Miscellaneous Sports , WHAT HAVE YOU GOT WHAT HAVE YOU GOT , NO CAPTION WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
Food Retail Food Retail , , Here's the coffee ... right at the back.
Animals Diet Food Pets Restaurants Animals Diet Food Pets Restaurants , fish fish , Who's having the raw herring?
Safety Travel Safety Travel , airplane airplane , I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to return to your seat. We'll be landing in a few minutes.
Lodging Safety Lodging Safety , bucket bucket , We managed to put the fire out. Just do the front lawn.
Animals Effectiveness Safety Animals Effectiveness Safety , boat boat , SHARK BOAT NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Grooming Effectiveness Grooming , bugs bugs , That's your organic shampoo.
Advertising Retail Advertising Retail , Say With Flowers Say With Flowers , What can I say for about seven dollars. I wanna say, 'take your job and shove it' in poinsettias.
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , Pizza Pizza , He only delivered to little old ladies!
Lodging Lodging , fence fence , Your greenflies are all over my bushes again.
Travel Travel , WASHROOM BUST WASHROOM BUST , WASHROOM OR BUST NO CAPTION
Ethics Leisure Sports Ethics Leisure Sports , axe axe , When you joined the golf club, didn't you read the rule-book.
Effectiveness Effectiveness , fence fence , Pest control
Marriage Marriage , bride bride , My ex-husband was up all night buying everybody drinks.
Marriage Marriage , friend friend , I'd like to introduce you to my second wife, but I'm still stuck with the first one.
Crime Fashion Crime Fashion , Wanted Wanted , Someone stole his elevator shoes.
Government Travel Government Travel , Customs Customs , Now, I can't wait to open your suitcase!
Maintenance Maintenance , bucket bucket , I'll count to three, then I'm gonna use the sink.
Friendship Health Marriage Friendship Health Marriage , bandage bandage , I told her I wanted a 'trial separation' so she tried to separate my shoulder!
Automobiles Innovation Safety Automobiles Innovation Safety , Stop Stop , That's in case you run a red light.
Lodging Marriage Lodging Marriage , husband husband , Oh, it's you! I thought it was a burglar.
Doctors Food Health Doctors Food Health , doctor doctor , You need more exercise. Go and get me a cheeseburger with onions.
Animals Children Pets Animals Children Pets , child child , When I said you could have your friends over for lunch, I meant humans.
Quality Quality , husband husband , Don't tell me that's not the best speech I've ever written.
Maintenance Marriage Maintenance Marriage , arm wrestling arm wrestling , I'm getting sick of this arm wrestling to see who does the dishes.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , elbow elbow , I can't drink cold soup.
Holidays Mail Holidays Mail , , I want to send this birthday card to my brother, c.o.d.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , These should make you relax. You won't have any money to do anything else.
Marriage , bride , I hope you're not going to be like my first three husbands. They all went bankrupt.
Retail food , , This one's 10 percent real food.
Health , bathroom , The first number ... is ... five.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , OK, I'll marry you but only until I find someone better.
Employment , bench , They had a retirement party for me and I wasn't even invited!
Marriage Religion , bride , As a matter of fact, I went to all this trouble just to say 'I WON'T' ... now what?
Restaurants Service , cream pie , We pool all our tips here. Let's see, what's 50 cents divided by fourteen people?
Restaurants Service , drink , There wasn't any space left for the vodka.
Health Miscellaneous , crystal ball , In a few minutes, you're going to meet two nice gentlemen dressed in white coats.
Automobiles Government Training , School Motoring , It's OK, officer. She's looking for the emergency brake.
Employment Friendship , Personnel , These are my two references; neither of them can write.
Restaurants Service , Menu , If you'll allow me, sir, I'd recommend the cheese salad and a very substantial tip.
Grooming , Barbershop , NO CAPTION
Diet Food Health , grocery store , There's a surgeon general's warning on the potatoes.
Automobiles Sales , One Owner , Don't worry, I'll get her out. She hates to part with it.
Effectiveness Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I think you should leave 20 minutes apart until we've had a few sessions.
Employment , Personnel , I'm not really overqualified. My resume is slightly exagerrated.
Children Safety , Crossing Guard , He uses that one when he can't find his false teeth.
Animals Animals , Not Feed Not Feed , The zoo has decided not to press charges.
Entertainment Marriage , drinks , Don't go in the kitchen.
Marriage Newspapers , husband , I can't read with you standing there, pulling that face.
Entertainment Technology Travel , automobile , Freedom.
Grooming Restaurants , razor , I'm sorry, sir, there's no shaving in the restaurant.
Advertising Restaurants Sales , Garage Sale Blocks , Table by the window, please.
Children , child , He's never far from his stamp collection.
Animals Entertainment Miscellaneous Pets , Hat Check , NO CAPTION
Entertainment Marriage , drink , You may as well drink, Angela, because there's no way you're driving.
Retail , Cash , Whaddya mean, 'you don't take plastic'? Everything I'm buying is plastic.
Music , , 49 NO CAPTION
Food , boyfriend , I made you a mug of coffee to drink whilst I'm getting ready.
Children Religion , baby , After you've finished the baby, I'd like to change my name to 'Lance.'
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , antlers , I got them both during mating season.
Diet Food Restaurants , fat lady , Sure I'll take you out to dinner! Which two restaurants?
Government Travel , Customs , Now, I can't wait to open your suitcase!
Automobiles Training , DRIVING SCHOOL , JACK'S DRIVING SCHOOL NO CAPTION
Retail , lamp , What does that mean,'reading lamp'? Does it mean it can read?
Children , baby , It was a difficult birth. He's saggitarius and aquarius.
Safety , fat lady , I always sit behind her on the bus in case there's a head-on collision.
Leisure , bowling ball , I'm just going over to the bowling lanes to get a candy bar.
Employment Travel , boss , This is how long I was away on vacation.
Animals Pets Safety , Men Work , MEN AT WORK NO CAPTION
Mail , Mailman , I haven't opened it, this is the envelope!
Retail Science , Cosmetics , I wanna buy a book about the universe.
Automobiles Sales , , The engine is being repaired. Would you like to take it for a test push?
Food Technology , cole slaw , How many times have I told you not to use the office paper-shredder to make cabbage cole slaw?
Automobiles , automobile , My foot slipped off the gas pedal.
Advertising Holidays Retail , ONLY 358 SHOPPING DAYS CHRISTMAS , ONLY 358 SHOPPING DAYS TO CHRISTMAS NO CAPTION
Effectiveness , beggar , No, thanks. I couldn't take your last nickel.
Children Leisure Travel , beach , Did you have to buy him such a big bucket?
Dating Employment , Chips , I thought you said you were in shipping.
Diet Health , fat lady , She's very strong minded. She went to see a hypnotist in order to lose weight and the guy put on 40 pounds.
Dating , date , I don't want to rush things. Let's exchange photographs first.
Effectiveness Health , bed , I brought your slippers from home.
Doctors Health , bed , We'll get you down to X-ray in a few minutes.
Ethics Retail , , Excuse me, may I go ahead of you? I'm in rather a hurry.
Animals Grooming , bald , Eighty years old and he doesn't have a gray hair in his head.
Miscellaneous , frankenstein , Say, aren't you Harry Henderson and Pete Watson?
Animals Automobiles Pets , air valve , That serves him right. He's bitten the valve off my tire!
Food Health , bed , My mother couldn't come to the hospital but she asked me to have you open this jar of pickles for her.
Automobiles , Police , He's been driving non-stop for three days.
Doctors , doctor , Sure we can fix it with plastic surgery but you won't be six foot tall any more.
Food , coffee , The milk was frozen. I had to put antifreeze in it.
Leisure Sports , husband , For the last time ... there are no home runs in tennis.
Mail Travel , , How much would it cost to send a wooden crate, weighing 150lbs., to Hawaii for two weeks?
Health Marriage , bride , Which hospital did you stay at on your honeymoon?
Effectiveness , Dry Paint , DRY PAINT NO CAPTION
Doctors Fashion Health , doctor , You'd look a lot better if you didn't wear a striped shirt.
Diet Health , fat lady , His doctor told him to stay away from anything fatty.
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , dog dog , He starts barking when the mailman leaves the depot.
Doctors Health Safety , Emergency , It's nothing to worry about but I want you to wear this Medic-Alert helmet.
Effectiveness Leisure , boat , YOU are supposed to be steering?
Miscellaneous , Buzz Stop , BUZZ STOP NO CAPTION
Animals Technology Animals Technology , ham radio ham radio , You never heard of a ham operator before?
Employment , boss , I wanted to get you the gift you deserve, boss, but they didn't have anything cheaper!
Food Quality Restaurants , Menu , I can't remember which one of these is fish and chips and which one is liver and onions.
Marriage , husband , We've been married 27 years. How about time off for me for good behavior?
Animals Food , fence , Needless to say, we don't buy extra-large eggs anymore.
Marriage , caveman , You call yourself an 'early man' and you're three hours late!
Animals Pets , dogs , Would you say you're fond of animals?
Animals Death Pets , bowl , I keep it just as 'Goldie' left it four years ago.
Education Fashion , husband , He's taking one of those correspondence courses to become a window dresser.
Automobiles Employment , boss , You get a company car after two years.
Animals , Apes , I wonder if they'll remember you.
Animals Fashion , coat , Looks like 'zebra' finally made it onto the endangered list.
Children Service , baby , Wouldn't I get better service if I slept in your room?
Banks Children , Banking Mortages Loans , This will all be yours one day, Darryl.
Animals Holidays Pets , Happy 385 , The dog made me a birthday card!
Miscellaneous Science Technology , bow and arrow , Has it really been 2 million years since Wall Street collapsed?!
Automobiles Sales , Police , Send the speeding ticket to the car lot. I'm not buying it.
Music , clarinet , Your sister said you played by ear.
Restaurants Service , Taxi , I'm late, take me to a five-star restaurant and keep the engine running.
Food Innovation , husband , He's invented a saltshaker that will never clog.
Health , fat lady , She just had her physical. The doctor says she's as fit as a double bass.
Animals Food Pets , dog , She wants to know what lunch was like.
Service Service , Customer , The guarantee ran out whilst you were taking it home.
Retail , Jewelry , He's looking for something for the woman who has absolutely nothing.
Banks Fashion , Banking Loans , Come back and see me in two weeks and don't wear that tie.
Employment , clothes , I didn't say, 'undress'. I said 'address.'
Children Dating , beach , I need enough money to buy my fiance an ice-cream.
Leisure Safety , YOU SEE LARGE FIN LEAVE THE WATER , IF YOU SEE A LARGE FIN LEAVE THE WATER NO CAPTION
Animals , Apes , APES HUMANS NO CAPTION
Military , husband , Most of them are for ballroom dancing.
Retail Service , Footwear , Boo-oo-oo-ots.
Crime , Police , If I give myself up, do I get the reward money?
Lawyers Marriage , fork , Personally, I think it helps his divorce action if we leave them in stuck in there.
Food Restaurants , All You Can Eat , Can I eat half of all I can eat for $3.50?
Fashion Retail , Sale , I wouldn't pay all that for a dress while you're still growing.
Fashion Restaurants , Checks , Can't you read?
Doctors Health , doctor , I told him he thinks too much.
Effectiveness Retail , Books , Have you got that book, 'How to Be Six Feet Tall Under Hypnosis'?
Children Education Health , child , My school report card is not going to help your ulcer.
Children , child , What's it like, being inside there?
Doctors Health Lawyers , bed , You should be happy, they're going to settle out of court.
Entertainment Marriage , bed , It's a romantic novel ... pure escapism for someone like me.
Children Education , child , I told his schoolteacher I always helped him with his homework.
Doctors Health , husband , The dermatologist told him to stay in the shade.
Food Marriage , fat lady , She cooks it and she's the only one who can eat it.
Religion , minister , Sorry I left during your sermon. I was sleepwalking.
Doctors Health , Bright Optimist , He said he doesn't think I need glasses!
Travel , desert , I've walked about 150 miles. What about you?
Food Retail , Candy , Apart from the words 'orange-flavored', it's all in Latin and Greek.
Fashion Retail , fat lady , One size fits all.
Animals Employment , Elephant House , They've decided it was a job-related accident.
Automobiles Government Automobiles Government , automobile automobile , See what happens when you can't make up your mind! ... 'an illegal U-turn!'
Children Education , child , I taught him everything I know and he's still behind the rest of the school.
Animals Doctors Pets , , I've done the best I can.
Doctors Health , doctor , Stand back everybody. He thinks he's a frog.
Dating , drinks , Money or good looks attract me. I'd say you'd need about $15 million.
Quality Restaurants , Menu , There's a bottle of wine on here that cost's more than our mortgage payment!
Leisure Sports , , When we get more members, we'll buy a bigger piece of land.
Quality Restaurants food , , You're going to need this for the steak and kidney pie.
Automobiles Training , Driver School , Imagine anyone planting a tree right there in the way!
Animals Science Animals Science , bug bug , I wonder if there's intelligent life on other trees.
Banks , Banking Short Term Loans , No, not a month, each hour.
Lodging , Real Estate , The odd-numbered caves are on the other side of the gorge.
Lodging Marriage , drink , We sleep in separate bedrooms mainly to prevent the house from tipping over.
Children Safety Technology , child , Mom, I got him with the remote!
Travel accounting , Financial Planner , If you could afford the fare, I'd suggest Brazil.
Animals Effectiveness Pets Training Animals Effectiveness Pets Training , dog dog , He won't got out with anyone except my wife.
Automobiles Sales , Owner , The parking brake needs some work.
Advertising , Wishing Well Wishes , How about two for five dollars?
Automobiles Children Training , Student Driver , Don't drive with your hand in the air! If you want to go, find a gas station!
Effectiveness Employment , boss , Experienced! Are you kidding? I've had 12 jobs this year alone!
Quality Restaurants food , , Do you mind telling me why there are blue carpet fibers all over this sausage?
Insurance Marriage , husband , One day, we'll both be really happy you bought this life insurance.
Employment Holidays Technology , computer , I'm calculating when they'll declare a 365th national holiday. We'll all go to work once every four years.
Retail , Checkout , There's a limit of one per customer.
Advertising Children Crime Government Sales , Youth Tonic , Kid, it's against the law to tell people you're 50 years old when you're only six.
Effectiveness Newspapers , newspaper , The pages are well marked.
Advertising Effectiveness , Car Wash , NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales , For Sale , Lifetime guarantee against speeding tickets.
Retail , Parts , A what?
Restaurants Service , fork , Hey, waiter. This is not supposed to be my fork, is it?
Travel , Arrivals , Thirty-five thousand feet, one way.
Advertising Effectiveness Fashion , Ties , How much?
Food Marriage , cake , Let me guess ... the bride's father has a doughnut shop.
Doctors Health , doctor , I warned you about taking steroids with your low blood pressure.
Animals Pets , carpet , He'll only go on the rug.
Food Quality Restaurants , chicken burger , Who ordered the chicken burger?
Advertising Sports , Pizza , It's getting too commercial.
Entertainment Government , magician , You're being charged with 'disturbing the ambience.'
Holidays Mail , , I want to send this birthday card to my brother, c.o.d.
Employment , assistant , CAPTION UNKNOWN
Children , baby carriage , CAPTION UNKNOWN
Fashion Marriage , friend , This is my husband, the last of the big suspenders.
Advertising Miscellaneous Sports , WHAT HAVE YOU GOT , NO CAPTION WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
Effectiveness Holidays , Santa Claus , I told you to fetch me a sander.
, , Can I use your phone?
Maintenance , ladder , Let's try once more. We could get lucky the third time.
Effectiveness Safety , bandages , He was trying to fill a disposable lighter.
Miscellaneous Sales , For Sale Real Estate , We're not trying to sell your house; we're selling the planet.
Leisure Leisure , Water Slide Water Slide , The Management thinks you may cause a tsunami.
Maintenance , Found , No Captioin
Quality Service Technology , Kitchen Appliances , It woke me up two hours late with a cold cup of coffee.
Lawyers Marriage , Courtroom , I hope this divorce lasts longer than your last one.
Doctors , patient , I'd say they're about the most pathetic fantasies I've ever heard.
Children Crime Food Restaurants , Beer , Hand over all the french fries, you dirty rat.
Retail , Jewelry , I hate to leave without buying something.
Children Holidays Innovation , child , They should move Christmas to January -everything's cheaper.
Lodging Travel , hotel , We're not paying $30 a night to find spiders in the bathtub!
Children Education , Geology , That used to be my best subject. Ask me the capital of Spain.
Children Food , cereal , Did you know that no two cornflakes are identical?
Leisure Sports , binoculars , Looks like I'll be playing the ninth hole and you're playing the 13th.
Effectiveness Health , drugs , It's a pill for his sudden migraines.
Ethics Friendship Restaurants , bill , See that! He always manages to grab the check before I do!
Banks Crime Effectiveness , Bank Banking , Can I pay my electricity bill while we're here, Harry.
Health Lodging Maintenance Marriage , dishes , I'm only helping with the dishes 'til you get your pacemaker fitted.
Fashion Government Travel , Customs , That's my wife's lingerie.
Food Marriage , coffee , Whaddya mean, 'I burnt the oatmeal!' ... that's your coffee!
Ethics Restaurants , cigar , It doesn't bother you if I eat while you're smoking that big cigar, does it?
Doctors Health , doctor , All your tests were negative ... which is positive.
Animals Children Animals Children , birds birds , Whaddyer mean, 'They don't look like you?' You idiot. They're eggs!
Employment Lodging , Press This House , I'm in the dry-cleaning business.
Doctors Health , doctor , Now, why on earth wouldn't you tell me that you are allergic to penicillin?
Marriage , chocolates , We've been married for seven months now, shouldn't you be cooking and cleaning or something?
Doctors Health , doctor , I hope you're not one of those people who have trouble swallowing pills.
Food Retail , cart , I wonder if they spray chemicals on macaroni.
Marriage Marriage , Counsellor , So, who won the argument?
Employment , Personnel , I prefer to work without supervision.
Animals Pets , dog , We've just walked two miles ... that's 14 miles for him.
Marriage , husband , Our marriage was built on mutual trust and a lot of acting ability.
Effectiveness Military , arrows , He may be an Indian, sir, but he's a superb tactician.
Children Marriage , boyfriend , You know what they say, 'Two can starve as cheaply as one.'
Automobiles Government , Police , What is it this time?
Automobiles Government Innovation , airplane , If I keep to the speed limit I'll never get airborne!
Health Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bed , The kitchen sink is full of dishes.
Children Marriage , child , This is my daughter, she's looking for a husband ... RUN!
Miscellaneous Technology , Harry , Hello, Harry ... it's me. I'm on the other line, Harry.
Effectiveness Safety , charmer , I gotta get new glasses.
Diet Health , fat lady , She's the opposite of 'anorexic.'
Effectiveness Entertainment Leisure , Marching Band , I've got to get an early start in the morning.
Food Restaurants , Menu , Corned beef hash ... white meat only.
Diet Food Health , husband , The doctor's put him on a vegetarian diet ... now he eats like an elephant.
Innovation Leisure , Taxi , Can't you go faster?
Diet Doctors Health , husband , His doctor told him to cut out sugar.
Fashion Marriage , hat , She's very quick with a potato peeler.
Retail , Flowers , It's some type of palm.
Crime Lawyers , convict , How are you gonna defend me if you can't stop laughing at my defence?
Automobiles Sales , , We offer the most limited warranty in town.
Animals Employment Pets Animals Employment Pets , boss boss , Divorce is very hard on the goldfish.
Children Maintenance , child , You gotta grow up someday. Take it to three different toy stores and find out how much it costs to fix it.
Children Food , child , That is not the way to pass Daddy the potatoes!
Children Education , child , No, no, Rodney ... when I say point to Greenland, I mean on the globe.
Service Travel , Taxi , Hey, Pops, d'you think you can make the airport by Tuesday?
Philosophy Politics , gun , Whadda you think of gun control?
Advertising Marriage , All New Pizza , Who d'you think's paying for this wedding, Janice?
Fashion children , , She makes all of our clothes.
Employment , assistant , D'you wanna speak to the boss or to someone who knows what she's talking about?
Marriage , husband , Janice, are you going to give me a divorce or not. I want to know now.
Entertainment Technology Travel , , This is a video of you two watching the video of our vacation.
Automobiles Sales , , Just think of it, no stopping at red lights anymore.
Employment , Manager , I can start work Monday if I don't win the lottery this weekend.
Animals Leisure Sports , book fishing , How come you never go Þshing anymore?
Leisure children , , Can we have our horseshoe back?
Employment Employment , boss boss , Have you given any thought to my pay raise?
Innovation Marriage Retail Innovation Marriage Retail , , My poor sister... That Stanley is so cheap.... My sister lost her credit card and he won't get her another one because he says she spends too much. Anyway, she sure taught him a lesson today.... She went out and bought a stack of new clothes for herself and the kids... .. New carpets... Stereo... The whole works.... He's in for one big surprise next month.. How did she manage that? What? How did she manage to buy all that stuff without a credit card? I lent her mine.
Children Sports , child , I came in third!
Animals Entertainment Pets , dogs , I told you it was about dogs!
Military , medals , Which one of you is General Smith?
Children , bed finance , Dad, do I get my allowance or not?
Animals Pets Retail Sales , Parrot parrot , He never said that! I saw your lips move.
Grooming Safety Service , barber , My bus leaves in two minutes and I intend to be on it.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , customer , D'you want a dessert or coffee?
, brush brush , Wanna buy a toothbrush?
Entertainment Friendship Lodging , guest , It was a great party, Ralph.
Entertainment Marriage , bullets cowboy , We'll get out of here before the cowboy movie starts.
Effectiveness Technology Effectiveness Technology , , This is Red Dog... Red Dog leader to Red Dog one... Come in.. Over.. Red Dog leader to Red Dog one.. Are you receiving me?.... Over... Hello.. You forgot to put the batteries in!
Art Ethics Service , Library , Got any books with nice, big, color pictures in them, suitable for framing?
Construction Crime Effectiveness Lodging , , Down... Let's see.... Six miles west.... then left. Under the subway then left again.... at the town hall. Past the old oak tree.. Then... 12 feet straight up. I'M HOME.
Animals Leisure Sports , boulder hunting , We haven't seen a duck for two hours!
Dating , blind date , You told me on the phone that you were a six-footer!
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , I want you to take a half-hour walk, 10 minutes before lunch every day.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , Central Central , Ooommf... This is the last time I'm planting a tree. Where'd it go!!! You dug the hole too deep. I can't even touch it! Grab my ankles.
Quality Restaurants Service , restaurant , We ran out of wineglasses. You'll have to sit closer together.
Effectiveness Fashion Marriage , dress , Is that the dress you wore on our honeymoon?
Diet Marriage Sales food , , I don't know what this is, but it's new and improved, so it must be good!
Friendship Sports , clubs golf , Lucky I hit the pin.
Fashion Marriage Quality Retail , husband , Are they the new shoes you bought for $10?
Miscellaneous , arab , Not Walter ... WATER!
Holidays Holidays , , Have a good vacation, Wilson?
Dentistry , dentist , I can't stand the sight of blood.
Employment Innovation Science Technology , animal , What exactly is a genetic engineer?
Children Food , child , Grandpa, I can't remember which one is yours.
Crime Employment Lawyers Marriage , 6317 prison , I told your boss you'll be off sick for ten years.
Marriage , bride , He will!
Miscellaneous aliens , , I guessed you weren't from around here.
Miscellaneous aliens , , Gotcha!
children , , I'm having a few friends sleep over.
Miscellaneous , bigfoot , BIGFOOT!
Animals Marriage , costume gardening , The rabbits are eating all his vegetables.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , It's my ex-boyfriend.
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , , What are you scribbling? It's a test... to see if you're romantic. You scored ninety-nine points. Not too bad! Eh? Under five is "Excellent".
Friendship Leisure Sports , golf , D'you want to take a break?
Food Restaurants Service , Menu , Have you decided?
Grooming , Library , I've been looking for that!
Food Marriage Quality Safety , cooking , I had to give your sausages a squirt with the Þre extinguisher.
Crime Lawyers Safety Crime Lawyers Safety , , The court will rise... Members of the jury... Have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor. ...But we'd like to ask a question. Go ahead. If we find him "Guilty"..... Will the court allow us to get out of the building before he does?
Animals Marriage , bee picnic , A bee won't sting you if you leave it alone.
Animals Pets , fish speech , I would also like to thank my tropical Þsh for being there when I needed them.
Health Television , , He watched a heart transplant on TV three days ago, and he's still recovering.
Leisure , backpack camping , I can't remember if I told my sister to water the plants.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , , How many times do I have to tell you? CLOSE THE 'FRIDGE DOOR.
Effectiveness Holidays Marriage , husband , Your birthday's next week. D'you want a surprise party?
Crime Effectiveness , escape police , Keep your eyes open. Two prisoners are missing!
Entertainment , Pop movie theatre ,
Effectiveness Grooming , Bath , I'm not keen on this big sponge. All the bathwater's gone!
Effectiveness Friendship Leisure Safety , dart , Try throwing them farther!
Food Restaurants Service , menu , The soup of the day is all gone. How about the soup of tomorrow?
Doctors Health , boxing glove , Relax, I've got to test your stomach muscles.
Entertainment Marriage Television , , D'you want the movie, or shall we watch the news and have a good laugh?
Animals Science Travel Animals Science Travel , , It says here the Earth is gradually getting cooler. I'm not interested. I'm on vacation.
Restaurants Service , dwarf , What do I have to do to get some service around here?
Effectiveness Fashion Technology Effectiveness Fashion Technology , , May I help you? That's my latest line... Just because we live in the Stone Age doesn't mean we can't dress with a little style. Have mirrors been invented yet? No. I'm afraid it will be several thousand years before we get those.... Veronica, dear. Slip this on and show the lady how she'll look in it. I think it really suits you.
Animals Pets , Dog Show dog , What are you, a wise guy?
Marriage Sports , 189 jogging , I was waiting at the finish line for two hours!
Food Leisure Marriage Retail Sports , fish fishing , You left your wallet at the Þsh shop!
Food Marriage Quality , dinner , It's not mashed potatoes. The french fries fell on the ßoor.
Service , Ring For , That's 10 rings. Shall we try for 11?
Crime Marriage , 787 , My mother mustn't know! I told her you'd run off with your secretary.
Employment Fashion Training Employment Fashion Training , Banking Pop Banking Pop , He's upstairs. I hear he finally got a job. Starts this evening at a movie theatre selling popcorn... He's very nervous. After 25 years of banking, he should know how to give change. I think it's because he has to wear a uniform. He's been in the bathroom for an hour. Shh... He's coming down... Say something nice. When I was a girl, I used to dream about getting into the movie business.
Doctors Health Politics , hospital nurse , It's not my fault we're short of beds.
Lodging Music , band , I hear you have a room to rent.
Effectiveness Food Friendship Leisure , back pack camping , We forgot the food!
Quality art , , This one's called, 'Bowl of Fruit on Very High Table.'
Fashion Grooming Marriage , garbage , Have you seen my pantyhose anywhere?
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , You can't be 'half-and-half.' You're either 'guilty' or 'not guilty.'
Mail , test , I see you bought a new dog.
Miscellaneous , alarm , CUCKOO.
Advertising Diet Food Health Restaurants , All You Can Eat , What are you hiding behind your back?
Doctors Health , bed hospital nurse , Every time you press that buzzer, just remember that I'm the one who'll be taking out your stitches.
Quality Safety Travel , Airport Security security , D'you mind showing me what you have in this pocket?
Leisure Retail Safety Sales Sports , roller roller skates skates , In a few hours you'll be gliding down the sidewalk.
Children Dentistry , child , I'm NOT going to the dentist.
Quality Travel Quality Travel , Camping Camping , Look at this! I found this old treasure map in the back of the piano. It's about 200 miles away. Did you bring the shovel? Another 10 miles and we should see an Oak tree.... THAT'S IT!
Doctors Health , arrows , You'll have to take your jacket off.
Children Dating Quality , boyfriend , Twenty bucks a week on makeup, and he's the best you can come up with?
Food children , , That guy gave us three ice cream cones for Dad's camera.
Innovation Marriage Technology , invention , It's my new invention. Talk to your mother for an hour on this and it will heat the whole house for a month!
Children Marriage Safety , chair , What did you do to Dad's chair?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , , Read the car... From the top. A...S-B-M...G-Q-D. ...F-I-E... X-S... Not bad! Try it with these on. A....er....H-E-W.... er....S-M-G...M.... I thought so! What? I need new glasses.
Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage , , You back already! The car won't start. I think it needs gas. Gas! ... You told me you filled the tank this morning! I did. At the risk of being exposed to one of your endless surprises... How can it be out of gas if you filled the tank this morning? Because I haven't put it back in the car yet..
Animals Diet Food Marriage Pets Quality , Dog , I don't know what you're eating, but you gave the dog a can of spaghetti sauce!
Children Dating , Love Cook , What do you do in your spare time?
Dentistry , dentist , You've got seven new Þllings on the left side.
Effectiveness Employment Service Effectiveness Employment Service , , Enter. Osborne... How long have you been with us? Thirty-nine years, ma'am. According to my records, you were employed to look after the dog. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Bellamy tells me that the dog kicked the bucket 27 years ago... Yes, ma'am. What would you like me to do now?
Farming Fashion , arrows cowboys indians , Look at your best shirt.
Restaurants Service , bowl , I won't have a table for 20 minutes. Here's your soup.
Animals Farming Marriage , Pigs pig , I wish you'd wear your hat in there. I've been looking all over for you.
Doctors Employment Health Restaurants , doctor , I'd say you picked a bad time to Þre your cook.
Health Retail Service , cashier , HARRY... HOW MUCH ARE THESE LAXATIVE PILLS?
Leisure Service , bar , It's the barman's little joke. First drink's on the house.
Retail Sales Service , salesman , Why didn't you say you wanted them both the same size?
Service , Coat Check , I can't Þnd my ticket. Give me a nice blue one.
Ethics Mail , , Your sister's had another kid.
Doctors Health Technology , arm , Is there a reverse switch on the drill?
Doctors Ethics Health , bed , How's he feeling? I badly need a pair of kidneys.
Employment , boss , Dobson, I've just Þgured out a way for you to personally save this company $750 a month.
Science Travel , Passengers Without Tickets , I think he's saying he wants a one-way ticket to Egypt.
Restaurants Service , customer , Will you turn that fan down!
Lodging Marriage , back , I've told you a thousand times to get a new mattress.
Safety Safety , , ...Er... Excuse me.. You've been here for quite a while now... Do you need help? Sixty years ago, crossing this street was a piece of cake... Now, everybody thinks it's a racetrack!!! But there hasn't been a car for at least ten minutes! I need longer than that!
Crime Lawyers , accused judge , Is this the guy who's been charged with impersonating a police ofÞcer?
Food Marriage , birds , Why are you such a messy eater?
Health Marriage , chair , You can't be putting on weight already! You only quit smoking 20 minutes ago.
Animals Marriage Pets , bird , You been giving that bird vitamins again?
Leisure Marriage Sports Television , , Are they playing overtime? You must be absolutely exhausted.
Employment , boss , Gimme the keys to your company car!
Animals Pets Retail Sales Service Animals Pets Retail Sales Service , , More problems. Remember all that trouble I had with my canary? The one who had the nervous breakdown? Last week... Are you ready for this?... My dear wife went and bought...... Another car... You wanna borrow "Spike" again? You're a real pal, Harry.
Employment , lunch box union , Management has gone on strike demanding we take a 10 percent pay cut.
Employment , tatoo , Would I be correct in assuming you don't have experience as a plastic surgeon?
Service , Plumber , First time I've ever seen gold-plated tools.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , door , She just waxed the ßoor.
Effectiveness Marriage Travel , , Here, you're always saying women are better than men... Try cutting some wood to build a fire...
Crime Health Marriage Crime Health Marriage , , What was that? Listen... Did you hear that? Someone's downstairs moving the piano! I'm calling the police. It's my stomach.
Banks Crime Employment Ethics , Banking Cashier , It's come to my attention that you own Þve cars and an ocean-going yacht.
Dating Lawyers Marriage Dating Lawyers Marriage , , Don't ask. What are you sleeping out here for? Remember that woman I hit on the head and took back to my cave... Last Tuesday? The one you kicked out on Thursday? yeah. She came back with her lawyer. ..And? Never again.
Service , baggage door door man man , A guy tipped me 20 bucks once!
Automobiles Effectiveness Marriage , One Way , What are all these doing in the trunk of the car?
Insurance Lodging Marriage , chair , Whaddya mean, we've only got fire insurance!
Animals Food Pets , cat fish , It's your own fault for forgetting to buy cat food.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Apart from your neck, how are you feeling?
Doctors Health Science Technology , Exray , According to this X-ray, it's stuck in your leg.
Animals Doctors Health Pets , bandage cat , Don't blame the cat. What would you do if someone sat on you?
Animals Grooming Marriage Pets , chair dog , Have you dyed your hair, Margaret?
Employment Health , boss , If you have to sneeze, do it during your lunch break.
Animals Innovation Pets , bird cat , He's glued his feet again.
Children , child , Did you mean be home by 10 o'clock tonight or 10 o'clock tomorrow morning?
Animals Grooming Pets , bed cat , He can't get used to your new hairpiece.
Accounting Banks Marriage Accounting Banks Marriage , Banking Banking , Anyone home? Are you open for business? The path to enlightenment is always open, my son. There's a woman here who says you're her husband, Maurice. She's been looking for you for nine years. Tell her to listen to the heartbeat of a cricket and decide again if she reallly cares.... Hold on, Maurice... She says the credit card company made a mistake and you only owed them fourteen dollars... ...The hundred and forty thousand was an error in their computer.
Automobiles Marriage , accident , What do you mean, 'Where's the car?' This is the car.
Effectiveness Fashion Grooming Service , dwarf , I had to shorten the pants quite a lot.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , Rajah The Great Rajah The Great , What seems to be the problem?
Mail Mail , bill finance bill finance , He changed his mind about paying the electricity bill.
Employment Politics Employment Politics , STRIKE Union STRIKE Union , What's behind this strike? There has been a breakdown in the dialogue with regard to the indexing of the R.V.U.W. benefits with Provisional Modifications. Basically.... They do not pertain to sick leave or overtime.. ..and until the W.W.P.W. is recognized by the employers, as was previously agreed upon, we shall be compelled to invoke 'Section Four' in the best interests of a democratic resolution. Furthermore... The L.O.S.B., historically applicable in this instance, should not be overlooked in the negotiations which are currently in progress. What does all that mean? .. About seven bucks a week.
Quality Safety Technology Travel , Leroy Was Here , Was the subway faster than taking the car?
Animals Grooming Pets , bathtub horse , Somebody left the back door open.
Grooming Service , bald barber , Just trim the sides and the back.
Automobiles Effectiveness Innovation Quality , car , 200 miles to the gallon!
Animals Leisure Sports , Racing fortune fortune teller gambling teller , Forget about me meeting a willowy blonde! I just need the name of a horse that will win the Derby.
Diet Food Marriage , dinner , Don't tell me what it is until I've eaten it.
Grooming Quality Service , barber , Sandra, bring me a paper towel.
Automobiles Marriage Travel , bed , You must be crazy, driving 800 miles in one day.
Employment Employment , Union Union , I have some good news for you, Smith. I advised the board members that you find it impossible to continue with us at your present salary.... ..And they agreed with me that in view of your eleven years of loyalty to this company... ...There is more involved here than mere money. Even in these difficult and troubled times.. ..A few extra dollars won't sink the ship. We've decided to give you a "Going Away Party".
Crime Effectiveness , FBI police , We've been after that one for 15 years.
Holidays Leisure Safety Travel , cabin , This is my Þrst cruise. What's the bell ringing for?
Leisure Marriage Sports , club golf , My ball went in the hole! What shall I do now?
Crime Grooming , burglar burglars , Here's a guy who puts his mouth where his money is.
Innovation Technology , Patent Officer , No, don't switch it on; just explain the advantages over other insect repellents.
Dentistry , chair , Dr. Burns says you need two more appointments.
Effectiveness Grooming Safety Service , bandage , You should never try to Þx an electric shaver yourself.
Science Technology Television , , So it looks like a nice day tomorrow.
Health Marriage Safety , bed medicine , Your green pills are all gone. Do you wanna take a blue and a yellow?
Grooming Lodging Maintenance Marriage , bathroom , The basement's full of soapy water.
Children Ethics Marriage , Adult Movie , I'd tell your father, but he probably lent you the hat.
Science aliens , , Hey! Do you wanna see a UFO?
Health Marriage , box , He is uncomfortable meeting strangers.
Children Marriage , baby birth child child birth , If he can't talk how do you know his name is Kevin?
Restaurants , cleaner , This is a laundromat! The Japanese restaurant is next door.
Government Politics , child , One day you'll realize that the people most capable of running the country are too smart to get into politics.
Crime Music Quality , cop neighbor police , I can't understand it! He just burst in and shot my violin.
Entertainment Food children , , Watch this! It'll go in two bites.
Marriage , husband , We've got the same grandchildren! You must be my Þrst husband!
Effectiveness Friendship Lodging Safety Travel Effectiveness Friendship Lodging Safety Travel , , Here's a good place.. This is crazy, Ralph, putting up the tent in the dark... I've done it a thousand times. Hold this pole steady.... I can't see a thing! You don't have to see. Pull the rope. There! Snug as a bug... Light the lamp and I'll get the rest of the gear. RALPH
Automobiles Health Marriage , bed hospital , The police towed away the car, so I bought another one.
Dentistry , dental assistant nurse , How many times have I told you not to snap your Þngers while I'm extracting teeth under hypnosis?
Quality Retail Sales , batteries , I just bought this package of batteries and it says, 'Batteries not included.'
Employment Ethics , application , It's hardly sex discrimination just because I can't picture you as a topless waitress.
Quality Service , birth certificate , Look at this birth certiÞcate - it's parchment.
Doctors Health , doctor , Nature is a great compensator. You're probably quite a mountain climber.
, accused accused , Is he allowed a plea of insanity for a parking ticket?
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , , Time's up..... What's it gonna be?
Effectiveness Employment Marriage Effectiveness Employment Marriage , , I've called you three times! You're not still in bed! It's nearly nine o'clock. When are you gonna learn that Sunday is my one chance to catch up on some sleep. I'm out there six days a week trying to make a buck.... What is it with you? I've got some important news. WHAT? It's Monday morning.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , Your Honor.. Your Honor... This is clearly a case of mistaken identity... How can the prosecution suggest... that my client has eleven previous convictions for forgery.. ..dating back to 1953? ..When here in my hand, I have his Birth Certificate... Showing... quite clearly... That he in only three years old.
Food Marriage , can , I hate washing the dishes.
Lawyers Marriage Lawyers Marriage , , Now let me see if I have the facts straight. Mr. Brewster... You say you're 95 years old. He's 97. She's not 92, she's 93. You've been married for 76 years... You have 14 children, 37 grandchildren and 68 great-grandchildren. That's about right. ...Now you both want a divorce. Correct. On what grounds? Incompatibility.
Safety , Beware Falling Rocks police , I'm sorry! I guess I didn't see the sign.
Crime Innovation Retail Technology , gun , Drop it!
Crime Lawyers , accused judge justice , What does the Guinness Book of Records say about dishing out long sentences?
Effectiveness Employment Innovation Marriage Travel , cart , How are you gonna get to work when it's not windy?
Diet Food Health Marriage , ball , You'd better quit eating Þsh for a while.
Animals Marriage Pets , dog , He's not walking backwards; you've got the leash on the wrong end!
Marriage , bums , They say behind every successful man is a woman. Here's a picture of my wife.
Children Effectiveness , babies birth child child birth nurse , I'm not sure but you may have the wrong one.
Innovation Retail Sales Technology , Easy Payments , If you miss a payment, I press this button and the unit self-destructs.
Doctors Health , bed hospital nurse , Make sure this one doesn't leave before he pays his bill.
Diet Doctors Health , Exray , From your X-ray, I'd say you eat too fast.
Aliens Miscellaneous Travel Aliens Miscellaneous Travel , Gas UFO Gas UFO , The motor quit! Oh no! Not again. We're okay. I can see a highway. Remember to smile.
Food Marriage Quality , dinner , I know the runny green stuff is potato. What's the black gravel?
Animals Leisure Marriage , Monkeys monkey zoo , Don't stand too close; you'll make them homesick!
Children Marriage , child , Like my father told me: Get yourself a good strong woman and don't worry about looks!
Effectiveness Sports , figure figure skating skating , Whaddya mean, you haven't seen it before?
Government Travel Government Travel , , Someone's waving! Greetings from the King of.... NAME? Chris.... er Columbus..C. I am a representative of His Majesty... It says here you are a self-employed navigator... What's the purpose of your visit? Vacation. Any alcohol?... Firearms?...Gifts? Are you carrying more than 500 coconuts? Nope. Over there. NEXT.
Doctors Health , anesthetist hospital operation , How much do I owe you so far?
Friendship Friendship , , I can't believe we haven't seen each other for over 30 years!
Entertainment Marriage Technology Television , , She's throwing peanuts at an elephant on the TV!
Leisure Marriage Sports , club golf , What did you hit it in the lake for?
Animals Ethics Pets , bandage dog , If I Þnd out you're faking, there'll be no 'yummies' for a week.
Doctors Health , disease , Mr. and Mrs. Roberts to see you, Doctor.
Innovation , birdman hotel , Got a room with a balcony?
Doctors Health Safety , doctor , He's here now! Seal off the building.
Grooming Marriage Travel , bathtub , Take your time. The plane doesn't leave for 3 minutes.
Lodging Marriage , child , Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
, coat , I can't find my ticket. Give me a nice blue one.
Banks , Banking Cashier finance , Can you change $400 worth of quarters?
Marriage Religion , bride , I'll give you my car and stereo if we call it off.
Quality Retail Sales , book , This book you sold me, 'There's One Born Every Minute' - it's just blank pages!
Children Retail , candy , I've only got 5 cents. I'll have one big bite of this.
Dentistry , dentist , Nurse, run outside and get his shoe.
Marriage Safety , plant , Come down here. You've ruined my plant.
Effectiveness Sports , fencing , You're not supposed to THROW it!
Quality Restaurants Service Quality Restaurants Service , , Waitress. I'd like another cup of coffee. WAIT! I have a dental appointment in about fifteen min.... TOUGH CHEESE! Maybe I'll just take the check. Have a nice day.
Lodging Marriage Lodging Marriage , bed bed , Why do you always wear one sock in bed?
Children Lodging , child gardening neighbor , You see, son, the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.
Quality Travel Quality Travel , , I'm retiring soon... We saw your advertisement for "No Frills" world cruises to suit every budget... Whaddyer think? We're gonna go for this one. There's a fifty dollar deposit on the oars.
Marriage , husband , PUT THAT BACK.
Retail Sales , jug , It's on sale this week for $15,000.
Crime , dwarf police , Can you identify the man who punched you in the knee?
Banks , Banking bank , That's our pen!
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bandage , Which Þnger is it?
Ethics Ethics , , D'you mind? This is a private letter! I was looking at the ducks! Geez! Some people... I can see why your sister-in-law told Dave she doesn't want you at the wedding.
Sports , boxer boxing , Keep it up! He's getting overconfident.
Diet Health Marriage Quality food , , I don't know why I bother cooking for you!
, , I've told you a thousand times to get a new mattress.
, , She just waxed the floor.
Food Restaurants Safety , chef , Harry, quick, get over here.
Automobiles Maintenance Marriage Automobiles Maintenance Marriage , , You're early! Where's the car? The engine quit. Quit! I just had it tuned! New plugs, new points.... air filter... .. and a brand-new battery... Well it won't start. So where is it? I had to leave it in the river.
Employment Marriage Employment Marriage , Tell Him Creep Tell Him Creep , At least she's trying to communicate.
Lodging Marriage , fire , The kitchen's on Þre again.
Doctors Ethics Health Sports , doctor golf hospital operation , Come on. I haven't got all day.
Friendship Sports , ball golf , Did you see where my ball went?
Marriage Restaurants Service , husband , Got change for a quarter so I can leave this guy a tip?
Children , baby birth child child birth hospital , Don't tell me I'm getting HIM.
Animals Children Entertainment Leisure , Zoo monkey , By the time we get in there, all the monkeys will be worn out!
Lodging Maintenance Retail Sales Technology , plunger , Have you seen the latest electric model?
Retail Sales , broom , Do you want the instructions booklet?
Doctors Health , doctor , I'd say it's your gall bladder, but if you insist on a second opinion, I'll say kidneys.
Automobiles Safety Service , Phone , Can you send a tow truck? I'm about 300 yards inside the Lion Safari Park.
Children , beach , I climbed it because it was here.
Dentistry , dentist , He'll be OK for an hour. Let's go to lunch.
Doctors Health Marriage Quality , doctor , I'd better go now, Sweetie-Pie. I'm with a patient.
Lodging Maintenance , neighbor , I just moved in next door. Where do you keep your lawn mower?
Food Marriage , arrows cowboys indians , They ALWAYS go on the warpath when we're eating!
Marriage Marriage , camera camera , Snarl.
Effectiveness Leisure , books , I want a book on speed-reading and 85 novels.
Animals Marriage Pets , dinner dog , Why don't you feed this dog?
Animals Leisure Safety , Bears bear zoo , Let's go!
Marriage , cactus gardening , I think you've overwatered it!
Grooming Marriage , bald , Do you think I should let my hair grow longer?
Animals Doctors Retail Science , White Rats Special , D'you want smokers or nonsmokers?
aliens art , , Even I can paint better than that!
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , , We're thinking of taking a trip... It's for our Second Honeymoon. Neither of us has been abroad before. Where would you like to go? Spain and Portugal.. How romantic. She's going to Spain and I'm going to Portugal.
Ethics Marriage Ethics Marriage , , I can't make up my mind. What are we giving my sister for her wedding anniversary? What did she give us for our anniversary? A coffee pot. We already had a coffee pot! Well now we've got two... Give her the other one.
Food Health Marriage , , I see you're back.. How's your husband? I don't know how much more I can take of him! We spent three hours down at the hospital because he woke up with red lumps and blotches all over his chin and neck. Blotches! What was it? Spaghetti sauce.
Children Education Science , frankenstein , We don't usually accept Þrst-grade students until they're Þve years old.
Children Food Retail Science Service , Ices , I think he's run out of chocolate.
Dating Effectiveness Marriage Dating Effectiveness Marriage , , Hey... Red Arrow. Where are you going? Leaving the country. The Chief organized an archery contest to see who gets to marry his daughter, Buffalo Moon.... Buffalo Moo....! Don't tell me you won? What did you win for? Mine was the only arrow within two hundred feet of the target!!!
Lodging Marriage , bride , Your shoes are marking the rug!
Effectiveness Health Marriage , bed medicine , My mistake. I'm supposed to rub it on your chest.
Animals Lodging Pets , , Blackie!
Animals Pets Training , Rex dog , SIT!
Children Marriage , boyfriend , You won't be losing a daughter. We're going to live here!
Food Leisure Marriage , fishing , Don't let them see the frying pan!
Food Quality Restaurants , Menu , What's disaster of the day'?
Marriage Sales , Ace Brushes , I don't care if we have been married 15 years, I'm not buying any of those brushes from you.
Animals Innovation Marriage Technology , hole , I taped the cat breathing.
Marriage Restaurants Service food , , Is the lady coming back, sir?
Automobiles Effectiveness , HMN2 , Maybe we should park somewhere else.
Doctors Health , doctor , It's stopped! But I think it'll start up again.
Marriage Religion , bride , You here again, Carole?!
Quality Retail Sales , Gifts , If you want to see something 'real cheap', take a look in this mirror.
Lodging Maintenance Miscellaneous , plumber , Never shout at your plumber.
Lodging Lodging , 217 neighbor 217 neighbor , Do you mind keeping the noise down!
Animals Friendship Health Pets , , How are you feeling? We watered your plants and opened a few windows... Your fur coat was on the kitchen floor so Harry hung it in the closet. She wants to know if we'll go back and feed the dog. I didn't know she had a dog. Where is the dog? Where? She thinks it's hanging in the closet!
Food Quality Restaurants Service , customers , One of these hot dogs fell on the ßoor. You'll have to toss a coin.
Health Maintenance Marriage Television Health Maintenance Marriage Television , , You're not listening... I am not trying to be unkind to your mother! I simply want her to sit in that other armchair, for about one minute... ...So I can fix the TV. Is that a lot to ask? She wants her travel-sickness pills.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , What do you mean, the lesson's over?
Education Effectiveness , eyes , Mr. Soames here is the best teacher we have.
Food Quality Restaurants , bottle , It must be pretty good wine for $40 a bottle.
Holidays Lodging Maintenance Holidays Lodging Maintenance , , Who was that on the phone? The janitor's coming up here to check the sink. Our janitor!... What does he know about sinks? We haven't seen him all year. He said it's hi annual check. Don't you find it amazing that he always manages to show up at Christmas? I'll go and let him in... Why are you always so cynical? Where's the kitchen?
Diet Effectiveness Food Health Marriage , bed , I'm really proud of you! This time tomorrow, you'll have been on your diet a whole week.
Restaurants , bottle , The top came off.
Grooming Quality Service , barber , I love doing that!
Children Dentistry , child , Dad put glue in her denture cleaner.
Sports , arm boxing , You can put your left down now.
Children Ethics Government Travel Children Ethics Government Travel , Customs Customs , He'll never Þnd the cigars, will he, Dad?
Ethics Friendship Leisure Sports , ball golf , That was lucky!
Effectiveness Quality Retail service , , You must have got it wet!
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , Real Estate Real Estate , I finished the chair and I still have all this paint left...
Crime Food Marriage , 58751 prison , I made you a nice fruitcake, but the guard said it could be used as a weapon.
Marriage Music Training , husband , You've been practicing for an hour and you've only hit it once.
Crime Effectiveness Marriage Crime Effectiveness Marriage , , Is he home? I'm sorry... My husband had to go abroad suddenly, on a business trip... When's he coming back? Week? Two weeks? What shall I tell him?
Restaurants Service , cigar , I've got some matches somewhere.
accounting children , finance , If it wasn't for me and Frankie you'd be paying a lot more income tax.
Employment Technology , computer union , The computer is demanding a complete service overhaul every six months and two weeks off in August.
Grooming Lodging Service , Estate For Sale Real Real Estate , There are two bedrooms on this ßoor.
Animals Food Marriage , bench birds , They won't come near me since I gave them some of my wife's homemade cake.
Leisure Retail Safety Service Sports , attack hunting , You say you were hunting a bear when it jammed?
Health Marriage Health Marriage , , How d'you feel? See that woman in the next bed? Her husband brings her fresh flowers every day. He said her surroundings should always be beautiful. He's a wimp. In thirty years, when have you ever tried to make my surroundings more beautiful? Not once. What about when I threw out all those pictures of your mother?
Doctors Health , bed hospital , This the guy who was stung by a bee?
Children Marriage , chair , Get down. I'm knitting this stuff for the girl next door.
Employment Service , butler union , If it's convenient, sir, I'll be on strike from 2 till 4 p.m. for a pay raise.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , Pizza , Here's your pizza! We ran out of boxes.
Children , child finance , Oh boy! A whole dollar. I hope it doesn't spoil me.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , Menu , Is it the meatloaf again?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , I'm not too happy with you. How long has it been since your stitches were removed? About six weeks, isn't it? Nurse tells me you're still feeling fragile.... however. It's time not to begin some simple exercises. With a stopwatch! It's part of my job knowing how long it takes to perform certain tasks. For instance..... Suppose I asked you to bend down and touch your toes.... You'd need a calendar.
Fashion Marriage Safety , dress , You're taking a chance, wearing that dress in this neighborhood.
Grooming Maintenance Marriage , husband , Don't you ever rinse my shirts when you wash them?
Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor , In some parts of the world, whole villages could live on your food intake.
Effectiveness , Telephone , Don't ask questions. Just see if my umbrella's under the sink.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , , You okay? Remember that gray-haired guy in the red sports car? ...About three months ago. Remember? ..At the traffic lights.... He said it was illegal to operate a motor vehicle without a brain. Not the one you threw the ice cream at? What about him? He's my surgeon.
Fashion Grooming Quality , charity , Got any discarded clothing?
Children Marriage , child , Don't be a grouch. He's been waiting all day for you to smoke that.
Fashion Leisure Marriage , bathing suit , Is this too skimpy for the beach?
Diet Doctors Food Health , bunny rabbit , You're eating too many carrots.
Grooming Marriage Quality , birthday present , Look at the bottle of perfume he bought me for my birthday!
Miscellaneous Service Technology , Wishing Well finance , It says: 'Due to rising costs, all wishes are now two dollars.'
Entertainment Food Retail , Popcorn , She couldn't change a $20 bill.
Animals Children Education Entertainment , History , Did you tell him 'Babylon' was a racehorse who liked to run on the outside?
Innovation Marriage , bed , Now snore.
Banks Grooming , Banking bank , Left home without your money, did you?
Animals Marriage Pets , bed cat , Wake up. The cat's got your teeth.
Effectiveness Grooming , Hair Restorer New medicine , You're supposed to rub it on your head, not drink it!
Innovation Technology Innovation Technology , DING DONG DING DONG , Thank you for coming. Gentlemen... By converting speech into electrical impulses, I can send it along a wire and converse with someone in the next room or miles away. In a few minutes, I will demonstrate my new telephonic device right here before your eyes and your ears.... Prepare yourselves, gentlemen, for the twentieth century. DING DONG He's early. Here we go... ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN.. .......... Is that City Meat Market?
art , , Smile.
Animals Science , Dinosaur museum , Don't you people ever feed these animals?
Food Marriage Retail , fish , They didn't have any fish-sticks.
Automobiles Health , fat mechanic , This guy's car keeps turning left.
Entertainment Leisure , movie , Have you seen my ice cream?
Innovation Lodging Technology , candle neighbor , Got any spare fuses?
Service Travel , bell boy , D'you want a wake-up call, sir?
Food Health Marriage , bed , Feeling better? I made you a spaghetti sandwich.
Employment Food Training , Union , It's quite simple. A chocolate cake comes along here every one and a half seconds... You have to arrange five cherries on each cake. If you think you can handle it, you can have the job... for a trial period. What's the trial period? Fifteen seconds.
Banks Crime Effectiveness , Bank Banking , Read it yourself! It says, 'Dozen eggs, bread, milk, chocolate chip cookies.'
Diet Food Marriage , bar , I don't think you're supposed to eat the little umbrella.
Animals Food Restaurants , chef , What's a jumbo burger?
Death Doctors Ethics Health , doctor , Your best bet is reincarnation.
Effectiveness Fashion Quality Retail Service , coat , We had a tough time getting that stain out.
Dating Miscellaneous Technology Dating Miscellaneous Technology , bench bench , I always knew there was something different about you, Charlie.
Leisure Marriage Television , , Must you watch television when my sister's here?
Fashion Grooming Retail , hat history , What do you think? Do I look better in the wider horns?
Education Effectiveness Sports Training Education Effectiveness Sports Training , , What's in the parcel? You know that correspondence course I've been taking on self-defense? What about it? This... is the final examination. You've been doing it for five years! This is all that stands between me and my DIPLOMA...
Children Health , cane , I gotta get new glasses! I thought that was a big duck.
Fashion Government Grooming Travel , Customs , Hey, Bill. Bill!
Children Effectiveness Health , baby hospital nurse , Congratulations, Mrs. Parker.
Grooming Health Marriage Grooming Health Marriage , , I see you're back.. How's your husband? I don't know how much more I can take of him! We spent three hours down at the hospital because he woke up with red lumps and blotches all over his chin and neck. Blotches! What was it? Spaghetti sauce.
Fashion Marriage , coat , First you buy me a new coat and now a trip to Lion Safari Park. What's got into you lately?
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Pets Quality Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Pets Quality , BEWARE DOG BEWARE DOG , I'm gonna paint a sign for the front gate... How d'you spell "Beware"? B-E-W-A-R-E. What about "DOG"? I'm trying to read!!... D-O-G Very nice! I'll nail it up.
Animals Leisure , hunter hunting , I don't know what it was, but it sure could run.
Crime Innovation Lawyers , Escape prison , I still say we should tunnel.
Animals Entertainment Leisure , Monkeys monkey zoo , I wouldn't pay $4 admission to look at you!
Doctors Effectiveness Health Quality , doctor , I never have any luck with living things.
Friendship Health Safety , bed , I really appreciate the visit, Ralph, but you're sitting on my broken leg.
Fashion Grooming Retail Sales , clothes , Boy, that takes me back! I haven't seen a suit like that for 30 years.
Employment Marriage , boss , I know you; your wife put you up to this!
Construction , block , Now I can't find the plans!
Effectiveness , drunk , Can I drop you off somewhere? I've decided to call a cab.
Animals Restaurants , cafe , Did you say 'one coffee and one bun'?
Doctors Health , doctor , I want you to take one of these every six months and come back and see me next Wednesday.
Lodging Safety , balcony , Don't you ever get nervous, living 50 floors up?
Lodging Music , neighbor , This is your last chance. Turn that stereo down.
Children Effectiveness Entertainment , Garfield , Dad burst six balloons with one dart.
Children Education , book , Hey, Lily. You were in the army. What's an 'adjective'?
Animals Effectiveness Employment Training , Think Grade Large , THINK GRADE 'A' LARGE NO CAPTION
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , It gives me great satisfaction knowing I have helped someone such as yourself.
Employment , Not Strike , I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be out of work.
Lodging Maintenance , door , Please take your shoes off. I've just put down clean newspaper.
Animals Music Pets , cat , NO CAPTION
Marriage , best man , Shouldn't be more than ten minutes. He was in a locker at the airport.
Marriage Travel , book , I thought we were supposed to go on a world cruise when you retired.
Food Quality , husband , That stove should be in a war museum.
Lodging Maintenance , door , That should clear the rug.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , husband husband , Wonderful!Ê Now the baby's awake.
Television , , Why can't I have the movie on and you watch the game during the commercials?
Animals Children Pets , cat , Dad, the cat got married!
Grooming , husband , We've got to leave in four hours. Here's your lipstick!
Animals Marriage Pets , bed , If the house was on fire, who would you save first, me or the cat?
Grooming , mirror , Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fair...
Restaurants Service , Menu , What does he want to eat, a bowl of ants?
Fashion Retail , jeans , All our 'extra large' jeans are 34-inch waist.
Marriage Safety , canon , You're scratching my coffee table!
Restaurants Service , desert , I said 'a little dessert' and he's brought a little desert.
Fashion , husband , You got a Superman T-shirt for him, size 32-inch chest?
Food , husband , You've eaten all the nuts!
Grooming , husband , Got any more shaving cream?
Effectiveness Fashion , husband , The neck's too tight.
Crime Travel , bandit , You haven't signed these traveler's checks.
Entertainment Health Marriage , bed , Aren't you going to wish me a Happy New Year?
Children Fashion Grooming , afro , Grandpa's bought a wig.
Marriage , frying pan , Do you recognize this pan as the one your wife used?
Automobiles Service , car , $84 for labor! Wow, what an honor! Bill Gates changed my plugs.
Animals Food Pets , dog , He may as well have mine, now!
Grooming Innovation Marriage , , I don't care what I look like, I'm not getting mutilated by hair-rollers.
Effectiveness Fashion , husband , I thought I'd make them long to keep your knees warm.
Leisure Safety Sports , airplane , NO CAPTION PLANE SHOT DOWN WITH GUN
Employment Retail Sales , Balloons , Business is great but I can't keep up with inflation.
Advertising Advertising , , How about, 'Yummy yum, yummy yum, yummy gum gum gum'?
Marriage Television , , That's it! I'm changing channels.
Government Safety , dwarf , Surely you can appreciate we need a height regulation in the police force?
Employment Marriage , boss , Just because he has to be at work by 5 a.m., I get stuck with all the breakfast dishes every day.
Government Travel , Customs , Have you been out of the country for more than 24 hours?
Doctors Health , doctor , Doc, can you give me something to make me feel a bit more energetic?
Doctors Health Innovation , brace , The rear-view mirrors are my idea. Don't turn your head for a while.
Entertainment , child , Mommy can't see very well. D'you wanna swap seats?
Maintenance , apartment , Silly old me! I've been superintendent of this apartment building for 25 years and I thought I'd seen everything.
Marriage Newspapers , husband , I can read you like a book.
Employment , boss , I'm sure you three will be pleased to hear I'm agreeing to your 15% pay demand. 5% each!
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bed bed , I've lost the use of my legs!
Effectiveness Employment , assistant , Put me out of my misery! Which one of you types 140 words per minute?
Marriage , anniversary , OK! As it's our 25th anniversary, I'll make the coffee. Where d'you get the water from?
Crime , police , The guy who ran off with your wallet is probably an Olympic medalist.
Doctors Health , doctor , I need some tranquilizers for my husband.
Automobiles Sales Sales , Car , That car you sold me is only getting about six miles to a gallon of gas.
Animals Marriage , Hippo , Did you remember to send your mother a birthday card?
Education , Income Tax Made Easy , Here's that book you ordered, 'Income Tax Made Easy.'
Entertainment Religion , devil costume , We're having a party downstairs. D'you wanna come?
Food , beans , Phone the newspaper; I just found a second piece of pork in this can of beans!
Lodging Marriage , bed , Are you comfortable down there, Daddy?
Health Marriage , bed , I told you not to marry her.
Maintenance , Wet Paint , Are you a good runner?
Dentistry , assistant , How many times have I told you not to snap your fingers whilst I'm extracting teeth under hypnosis?
Employment Politics , assistant , I suppose I'll be a male chauvinist pig if I ask you to be on time tomorrow morning.
Sports , friend , Nice to meet you. Ever thought about professional wrestling?
Fashion Retail Service , Shirts , What are the chances of exchanging a red and green shirt with blue stripes?
Music , Quiet Please , Shhhhhhhhh.
Children Education , School Report , See, I got an 'A' in 'Rap music'.
Miscellaneous , , D'you get a lot of rain on your planet?
Innovation Lodging , bed , You should hear what she just called him!
Children , grandchild , Grandma, you didn't borrow my sweater, did you?
Animals Entertainment Marriage , Monkey House , You go and have your family reunion and I'll meet you by the penguins.
Marriage , couch , I love going out but the old misery always comes home from work and says he's too tired.
Lawyers , husband , I spell relief d-i-v-o-r-c-e.
Children Lodging Maintenance , Weed Killer , Don't get any of that stuff on your father.
Marriage , argument , We can't complain. It's their wedding anniversary.
Children , child , I just can't believe I'm gonna look like you when I'm 35.
Grooming , bum , Oh, no split-ends!
Marriage Philosophy Politics , argument , You're the one who wanted to get married. You're the one who wanted kids. You wanted the house and now YOU want to be LIBERATED!
Entertainment Leisure , cards , This is ridiculous! I raise you a nickel and you throw in four aces.
Food Restaurants , Breakfast , I'll have my usual: two eggs over greasy.
Sales , fairy , Three wishes for a dollar.
Travel , Taxi , Do you want to share the cab?
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , Have you ever thought about sending your lunch to an African village?
Animals Mail Pets , dogs , Any mail for Number 27, Frank?
Entertainment Marriage Television , , There's nothing on TV. D'you want to have an argument?
Children Education Safety , child , I've gotta write out a hundred times, 'I must not blow up the school.'
Health Service , ambulance , Two cheeseburgers to go.
Education Employment Government , , Kids off school today, Charlie?
Effectiveness , Beans , I've looked everywhere, I can't find your glasses.
Dentistry , dentist , How can I pull it out without touching it?
Crime Lodging Maintenance , convict , That tap is still dripping in the kitchen.
Friendship Lodging , neighbor , Stop when you get to something I can borrow.
Leisure Sports , fish , Not again!
Children Newspapers , Daily , I ran out of newspapers. Whaddya want to know?
Animals Lawyers Pets , dog , What do you mean, you 'got custody'?
Crime Lawyers , accused , You have been found guilty of forgery.
Holidays Marriage , birthday , To avoid a repetition of yesterday, I bought you birthday cards for the next three years.
Animals Pets , dog , Ralph's poodle wants to talk to you.
Animals Pets , dog , Heel.
Miscellaneous , Palmistry , If you're thinking of buying lottery tickets, save your money.
Doctors Health , bed , I don't think you're strong enough to get out of bed yet.
Automobiles Sales , , Where else will you get an eight-seater for that price?
Marriage Religion , bride , Goodbye and good luck.
Advertising , , Let's get out of here.
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance , dishes , I promised to do the dishes on her birthday.
Dating Entertainment , album , This is my oldest son Ronnie's first wife's sister, Audrey.
Marriage Travel , husband , I'm just going to get a pack of cigarettes.
Marriage Military Music , band , The band is not interested in your domestic problems, Wilson.
Children , child , Hi. Thirty years ago ... camping trip to Arizona ... you lost a little baby boy.
Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor , You're suffering from very high food pressure.
Farming children , , Here he is, Mom. He fell off the tractor.
Crime , mugger , I'm collecting for 'Muggers Anonymous'.
Restaurants Service , menu , I'm sorry, sir, you still can't come in without a jacket.
Innovation Technology , clock , I lost my watch.
Doctors , doctor , They have to be adjusted.
Music , Thank you , THANK YOU NO CAPTION
Children Education Technology , child , How d'you expect me to do all this homework without a computer?
Food , bed , You don't need your teeth. It's soup.
Automobiles Health Safety , bandages , Maybe I should let you drive from now on.
Grooming Marriage , airplane , Here comes the enemy.
Retail Service , Customer Complaints , I don't have any money.
Lodging Maintenance , bathroom , Two years ago he quit smoking and started to put up my towel rack.
Food Service , delivery , I dropped it in the elevator.
Music , mover , You forgot the stool!
Leisure Sports , fly , He loves his game of squash every afternoon.
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , fishing rod , I hooked a real big one but it kept swimming around the boat.
Health , Emergency , Name?
Grooming , bald , I think he looks much younger since he dyed his head.
Animals Pets , dog , It's a Siberian mountain dog.
Entertainment , airplane , I've spent three dollars in this thing waiting for you!
Grooming , barber , There's one that needs trimming.
Marriage Restaurants Service , husband , What do you mean my friend will have to wear a tie to get in? This is my wife!!!
Banks , Banking Loans , I don't want to borrow any, I just want to look at some.
Lodging Quality , bed , Where did you buy these feather pillows?
Food Grooming , cake , What's my sponge cake doing in the bathroom?
Restaurants , bartender , I just hope you can pay for all these drinks you've been ordering.
Animals Pets , dog , I'm gonna count to three. Then I'm going home without you.
Travel art , , I got it from a place called 'Greece.'
Holidays Marriage , bride , Is the honeymoon suite equipped with a kitchen?
Animals Employment Pets Animals Employment Pets , Sundays Sundays , That dog's driving me nuts!
Safety Science , elephant , Hurry up. The tranquilizer's wearing off.
Doctors Health , bed , He took off without paying.
Quality food , , The little gray bits are non-stick frying pan.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , D'you wanna tip me now? Then I'll know what sort of service to give you.
Effectiveness Safety , STOP , I guess you heard what happened to me last month.
Children Education , child , I took my school report card in to get it framed and they lost it.
Leisure Safety Sports , birds , Stand back if I catch anything.
Doctors , doctor , I don't think I can read the card. You're holding it too close.
Animals Food , bird , Whatever you do, don't open your mouth.
Government Military Music , arrows , Someone's been selling clarinets to the Indians.
Restaurants , Egg Toast , D'you want to look at the menu?
Friendship Lodging , neighbor , I've lost the keys to my house. Can I live here?
Miscellaneous Travel , , Commander Zook requesting permission to come aboard the planet.
Lodging Maintenance , broom , I didn't want you straining your back plugging in a vacuum cleaner.
Entertainment Health , friend , We don't go out often since his back injury.
Restaurants Service , elbow , I can't drink cold soup.
Retail , Tools , Oh ... hammer! What sort of hammer?
Health Leisure , bottle , His doctor told him a hobby would be good for his nerves.
Animals Food Pets , fish , If they don't eat leftovers they'll have to go back to the pet store.
Grooming , bathroom , It's a whole different world down there.
Construction Lodging Maintenance Pets , dog , I know I'm not supposed to interfere, but how's the dog going to climb through that?
Children Religion , baby , Is this your first christening?
Animals Banks Crime Effectiveness , Banking bank , I thought you said, 'Hand over the bunny'!
Government Safety , Fairly Slow Sand , 8/*15 This one's been downgraded.
Leisure Sports , racket , My old legs are not as fast as they used to be.
Effectiveness , Wishing Well , Are you nearly finished?
Music Restaurants , menu , What's the Mozart like this evening?
Marriage Restaurants , menu , It's our wedding anniversary. She'll have pasta here and for me a roast beef sandwich to go.
Banks , Banking bank manager , I'll need a full-length photograph with this loan application.
Animals Children Pets , child , OK, let's go. But take it easy on the stairs.
Animals Pets , dog , He can hold his breath for 10 minutes.
Crime Marriage , , I won't be able to make it next year. I'm having my hair done.
Miscellaneous , cactus , You been talking to this cactus again?
Effectiveness Food Maintenance , bread , The toaster's all clogged up again.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'm not sure what these are, but take them for a couple of weeks and let me know how you feel.
Farming Food Safety , arrows , You'll have to go back to town. I forgot the mustard.
Quality Restaurants , gas mask , What's the fish like today?
Doctors Health Travel , doctor , This should keep you going while I'm on vacation.
Sports Training , Trainer , I'd say his chances are about 50/50 of making it alive to the hospital.
Travel Travel , Cruises Holiday , Mr. Bixby is out to lunch at the moment.
Children Health Science , bed , Hang on, grandpa, you'll miss Halley's comet.
Animals Pets , bowl , They won't breed like that! Push the bowls closer together.
Government Newspapers , groceries , Are they allowed to give me five parking tickets in one day?
Holidays , birthday , Do you have to remember my birthday every year?
Effectiveness Food Innovation , drink , We didn't have any ice, so I put a piece of frozen pizza in it.
Doctors Health , arrow , The doctor said you're lucky it wasn't lower.
Crime Lawyers , 2015 , I know you got 30 years! But you still have to pay my legal fees.
Science Television , fish , This is Harold Crudd, ATV News, Atlantis.
Advertising Dating Retail , Say With Flowers , Dozen long-stemmed roses.
Automobiles , wheel , My wife took the car and that came home on its own.
Doctors Health , arms , You've got Dutch elm disease.
Lodging Maintenance , husband , I just figured out we can buy 7,800 paper plates for the price of a dishwasher.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bandage , D'you want me to pull it off fast or slow?
Art , artist , I don't usually do passport pictures.
Animals Newspapers Pets , bone , The dog wants to come in.
Marriage Travel , hotel , All I have available is the honeymoon suite.
Leisure Sports , fishing rod , I got a 7-pound frying pan here last month.
Animals Pets , dog , Can you get that phone? I'm trying to bathe the dog.
Health Music , bed , Have they removed the saxophone yet?
Aliens Innovation Miscellaneous Science , alien , He says the average surface temperature on his planet is about 600 degrees.
Children Diet Food , adult , We didn't eat all that junk food when I was a kid.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'd hazard a guess there's an 'E' on there somewhere.
Grooming Innovation , greenhouse , He's working on a way to make his hair grow.
Health Leisure Sports , , You don't look it.
Doctors Health , doctor , Classic hay fever.
Employment Military , arrows , There must be other jobs besides being a bodyguard.
Miscellaneous Science , bench , I remember this place when it was a volcano.
Friendship , Telephone , Have you got $38 worth of quarters?
Travel , , How much is $17 worth in Portugal?
Retail Service , Please Take Number , You need to take two numbers to buy a pair of hinges.
Holidays Holidays , Hotel Hotel , Give me a wake-up call around new year.
Holidays Sales Service , birthday , Must be the flowers I ordered for you birthday.
Marriage , husband , Why should I be the only one to suffer?
Automobiles Crime Government , car , OK, buddy. Get out of the car.
Doctors Health Television , chart , I want to exchange these reading glasses for watching television glasses.
Children Holidays , bed , They're still awake.
Lodging Marriage , chimney , Muriel, I told you this morning I'd be home late.
Animals Science Animals Science , bones bones , He's 50,000 years old. That's three and a half million to you and me.
Marriage Service , bell boy , Just put her inside the door.
Crime Employment , Personnel , Your last employer wants to know what you did with the canteen money.
Animals Safety , Zoo Beware The Lion , Any escapes today?
Doctors Health , doctor , Have you got anything for indigestion?
Health Health , Prescriptions Prescriptions , If you want me to take them after meals, you'd better give me some of my $40 back.
Children Innovation Safety , Free Parking , It works better than 'Stop.'
Effectiveness Service , Watch Repairs , I don't know how long I've been waiting. He's got my watch.
Automobiles Effectiveness Training , Driving School , D'you mind if I sit on that side? I'm deaf in my right ear.
Effectiveness Health , ears , Do you sell those invisible hearing aids?
Food Restaurants construction , worker , Pass the ketchup and one of your sausages.
Politics Science , charity , The population of the Earth grew by 1,400 while you were searching for that nickel.
Service , Coat Check , Fifty-four cents in change, a book of matches and a bottle opener.
Children Science , Pterodactyl , People couldn't spell very good in those days.
Leisure Sports , balls , It's a par-12 till the groundskeeper gets his back pay.
Effectiveness Travel , camera , Would you mind taking our picture? We forgot our camera.
Doctors Health , , We'll have to do another one when the fog clears.
Advertising Retail , Everything Reduced , Not quite everything.
Government Military SERVICE , SECRET KNOCK KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING , SECRET SERVICE KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING NO CAPTION
Sports , , My wife needs plenty of warning with the lemonade.
Effectiveness Entertainment , assistant , You're gonna have to start losing weight. The box is too big for the saw
Animals Travel , stuffed animal , Our bus hit it when we were in India.
Dentistry , doctor , I think I've discovered why you keep grinding your teeth.
Food , Bakery , That's 'ozone layer cake.'
Animals Pets , Goldfish Only , Put 62 cents' worth in there.
Food Quality Restaurants , , I just asked you how the meat loaf was.
Employment , Dishwasher Wanted Apply Within , Leave your fax number and we'll let you know.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , I don't need to drive ... I want to better criticize my husband.
Children Marriage , boyfriend , I knew my little girl would leave one day. That's how I've kept my sanity.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Don't take any of these red pills, and if that doesn't work, don't take any of the blue ones.
Travel , campers , This must be the middle of nowhere.
Service , Information , I'll hand you over to our washroom specialist.
Food Quality Restaurants , Ice Cream Flavors , Sixty-six flavors.
Employment Quality , Reward , 30 years in the business and it's come down to this.
Crime Lawyers , accused , Judge, did you say I'll only do 85 years with time off for good behavior?
Banks , Banking Loans , You didn't say anything on the phone about needing a co-signer.
Doctors Health , bed , Your blood type is AB Inflammable.
Sports , fat lady , She got a black belt after her first lesson.
Government , automobile , If you hadn't been hiding behind the bushes, I wouldn't have been speeding.
Marriage , fat lady , We've got a prenuptial agreement. She renounces all claims for $25 cash.
Sports , boxer , What did I tell you, the guy in the bow tie won.
Children Restaurants Safety , child , Is this kid yours?
Automobiles Effectiveness Safety Travel , Left Turn , I can now get to the supermarket in under six minutes.
Marriage , bride , We bought you two toasters in case the marriage doesn't work out.
Crime Newspapers , bench , Someone stole two million dollars worth of government toilet seats. The estimated street value is $1,200.
Marriage , husband , We're still married, but we're separated.
Automobiles Quality Sales , Used Autos , You see any rust?
Restaurants Service , Pizza delivery , Can you tell me how to get to Wimpole Lane, Berry Street, Tunney Crescent and Orchard Park Avenue?
Government Travel , Immigration Passport , Are you trying to tell me that baby on the rug is not me?
Holidays , bill , Can I help it if your birthday coincides with the electricity bill?
Animals Pets Safety , Beware Dog , I want to make sure nobody steps on him.
Banks Government , Banking bank , I'm leaving this for income tax just in case I get caught.
Quality Restaurants food , , What's a good wine to take away the taste of this food?
Advertising Effectiveness Mail , , Are you 'Herbie's Wonder Tonic'?
Advertising Technology , Pick Your Own Coconuts , I tell you, that Internet has opened up my eyes.
Dentistry Effectiveness , Boggs Denntist , I thought you said two N's.
Quality Restaurants , bar , Whatever that was, I'll have another one.
Doctors Health , Free Eye Test , Shall I do one for my wife while I'm here?
Automobiles Training , Driving School , I hope we see a ship soon.
Automobiles Crime Effectiveness Government Safety , automobile , How do you expect me to average 55 miles an hour if I don't speed?
Employment , boss , Your cut in salary is a cost-of-living adjustment due to the falling price of coffee.
Government Travel , Customs , That is not my suitcase!
Doctors Science , doctor , Don't go out during thunderstorms.
Health , husband , He had an emergency operation.
Children Education Newspapers , child , I don't need to learn reading. It's all on TV.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , He's a long-haired terrier.
Technology , elevator , Modern technology ... down 47 floors in six seconds.
Effectiveness Safety , arrow , Maybe it was short-sighted ivory poachers.
Doctors Health , doctor , I've decided to try shock treatment.
Employment Safety , husband , He was laid off from the candle factory after the fire.
Effectiveness , boyfriend , I'm not late. I was giving you a little 'wait training.'
Banks , Banking Loans , I lost the five grand you lent me. What's our next step?
Lodging , Welcome , I thought it was you.
Effectiveness Health , husband , That's more like it - 127 pounds.
Food Quality Restaurants , Menu , I'll have the same as yesterday - spaghetti and golf balls.
Effectiveness Employment , bricklayer , I can't move my head.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , , Imagine you've got 12 of these babies and a burglar breaks in.
Doctors Ethics Health , doctor , You look awful but I can't find anything wrong with you.
Children , briefcase , If your name's on this list, everyone's out.
Children , child , Dad, if you let me have a credit card, I swear I'll never use it.
Leisure art , , He painted that one on our camping trip.
Travel , airport , If you run like the wind, you may just make it.
Doctors Health , back , He took out my appendix and I don't even have a scar.
Food Restaurants , Salad Bar , Gimme a gin and lettuce.
Friendship Health , bed , He sure looks forward to your weekly visits.
Effectiveness , Security , Make sure you don't forget to return that pass before you leave the building.
Death Friendship Health , bed , The doctor said you had a 50-50 chance.
Doctors Health , arm , I've lost the use of my left arm.
Employment , boss , You can get down now. That was your raise.
Safety , cactus , I told you it didn't smell.
Politics , Moo , It's time we heard from the silent majority.
Fashion Retail Service , Complaints , It's too tight.
Automobiles Sales , , This one was driven by a little old lady and her nephew.
Health Politics , , You'll be fine, that drip will last you for two weeks.
Marriage , Rice , That was my ex-husband who threw that.
Safety , bandage , They said you were wearing this when you dived off the roof.
Ethics Politics , Save The Rainforest , SAVE THE RAINFOREST NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Health , bed , You should see the pills I have to take.
Government Travel , Customs , Stay alert. They've tripled the import duty on wallpaper.
Food Restaurants , Menu , Today's special is spaghetti with alphabet letters in the sauce.
Quality Retail Sales , old lady , That's guaranteed waterproof if you go down to 100 meters.
Animals Effectiveness Newspapers Pets , dog , He fetched it upside down again.
Automobiles Training , School Motoring , My sister TOLD me you were no good.
Science Sports , bat , They had baseball back then?
Food , Piza , You ordered a small Pisa.
Restaurants Service , bill , The 50-cent surcharge is for the clean fork I brought you when you dropped the other one.
Dentistry , dentist , Now don't worry about the noise this drill makes.
Advertising Employment , Lunch , We don't want to confuse the public.
Effectiveness Employment , axe , I don't like to get personally involved.
Travel , , We want two round-trip tickets to here.
Food Restaurants , bugel , Bagel!
Doctors Health , doctor , I keep coming over all hot and cold.
Effectiveness Innovation , airplane , I've decided to expand my horizons.
Animals Children Entertainment , Giant Tortoise Rides , It's a buck-fifty for 14 hours.
Banks , Banking Loans Manager , You can get up now.
Health , balloons , Terrible thing, depression.
Advertising Effectiveness , STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED , STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED NO CAPTION
Safety , burn , Put these oven mitts on.
Effectiveness , axe , How much for you to miss.
Effectiveness , bed , It's no use. I can't sleep with this wallpaper.
Dating Dating Doctors Technology , Computer , It's picked me again, Doctor.
Advertising Fashion Sales , HAND MADE JEWELRY CHOLESTEROL , HAND MADE JEWELRY NO CHOLESTEROL NO CAPTION
Animals , elephant , Remember six years ago when you left the gate open?
Crime Effectiveness , Express Items Less , All right, all right ... Hand over eight dollars.
Animals Food , Hot Dogs , I'll meet you in an hour.
Children , baby , He doesn't get THAT from his father.
Quality Restaurants , menu , We're under new management. 'Soup of the day' is now a mushroom omelet.
Crime , 216 , I had a good job waiting for me on the outside, but they installed a burglar alarm.
Food Government , policeman , I want to report an unidentified flying omelette.
Health Television , Hospital Emergency , My little TV's not working in Ward 15B!
Restaurants , Vino , I think you ordered us a three-course meal from the wine list.
Leisure , chess , I hate chess!
Travel , backpack , Turn left at the light, and it's the 79th street on the right.
Travel , Passengers Without Tickets , No smoking, no talking during the movie, and just one trip to the restroom. Have a nice flight.
Doctors Fashion Health , arrows , I may have to ruin your coat.
Doctors Health , doctor , Do you want to know what's wrong with you or just the dollar amount?
Miscellaneous , musician , Anyone sitting here?
Children Health , Maternity , Get lost, lady. I'm looking for the X-ray department.
Lodging Travel , arrow , Gustav will show you to your room.
Government , Driver Examination Traffic , I don't have to take off my clothes, do I?
Crime , 2051 , I knew you'd be back.
Ethics , bed , What would you do if you swore to keep a secret and it was driving you crazy?
Effectiveness Entertainment , charmer , They don't hear so good when they get old.
Mail , , We only have to empty it once a month.
Religion food , , For what we are about to receive, thanks for nothing.
Doctors Health Safety , air vent , You don't want to infect all the other patients, do you?
Entertainment Leisure , , The course record is 19.
Animals Science , friend , George thinks they should consider releasing a few human beings back into the wild.
Lodging Maintenance Retail , Drapes , We want something to match our carpet. What have you got with cigarette burns?
Lawyers , client , Your honor, he's leading the witness.
Employment , boss , We're looking for someone honest, hardworking and totally devoid of ambition.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , fence , He's only buying me a dishwasher to save himself work.
Marriage , king , I would like to ask for your daughter's handmaiden.
Lodging Travel , bed , Do you want me to close the window?
Health , bed , The doctor says you'll still be able to play the piano.
Marriage , Furs , I know there's more pleasure in giving. I like to suffer.
Animals Pets , bone , It's not working.
Food Restaurants Service , Pizza , I took it to the wrong apartment.
Children Education , blackboard , I guess your job's safe for a few more weeks.
Children , boy , Be careful what you say around him. He's not as dumb as he looks.
Restaurants Service , Restaurant , You have to do your own dishes.
Aliens Doctors Health Miscellaneous , alien , We're running tests, but we think you're from another planet.
Animals Doctors Health , doctor , If I had to guess, I'd say a very large horsefly.
Dating Fashion , husband , Maurice, love is not blind enough to allow me to ignore that tie.
Children Marriage , father law , Do I look stupid? Of course you can marry my daughter.
Marriage , boyfriend , My ex-husband said he'll pay for our wedding and the honeymoon.
Crime Government Health , bandages , Even in an ambulance, you still left the scene of an accident.
Automobiles Training , friend , He's been teaching me to drive.
Animals Pets Retail , Pet Supplies , I can't read your writing!
Doctors , , I can hear the sea!
Doctors Health , doctor , Open your mouth.
Restaurants , cup , Do you want tea or coffee?
Marriage Religion , bride , Can I kiss one of the bridesmaids instead?
Effectiveness Retail , YOU ARE HERE YOUR WIFE HERE , YOU ARE HERE YOUR WIFE IS HERE NO CAPTION
Health Lawyers , bed , My cousin, Irene, knows a good lawyer.
Automobiles Safety , Toll , Do you want the 75 cents or not?
Banks Effectiveness , Banking Teller , How big are your safety deposit boxes?
Food Holidays , birthday cake , Do you sell birthday cakes by the slice.
Dating , boyfriend , Instead of taking me to an expensive dinner, can I have the money?
Leisure Sports , ball , NO CAPTION
Employment , boss , I don't want you bringing your domestic problems to work.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , AFOS , You want to test both eyes, don't you?
Automobiles Safety , automobile , Don't get out of the car.
Automobiles Government Training , automobile , Give the ticket to my husband. He taught me to drive.
Grooming , Beauty Salon , That sign wasn't there when you went in.
Automobiles Sales , 500 , We need a second car until we can afford a first one.
Travel , , What have you got within walking distance.
Technology , indians , Makes you wonder how we ever managed without it.
Food Restaurants Service , Ice Cream 150 Flavors , I think you've had enough. Why don't I call you a cab?
Restaurants Service , Menu , I could have left you a tip if you hadn't talked me into that cheesecake.
Fashion Service , Hat Check , Looks all right to me.
Innovation Leisure Safety Sports , flippers , I wanna be able to breathe if I sink.
Leisure Sports , friend , The racetrack laundered his money again.
Banks , Banking Loans , Can I borrow your ashtray?
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , Taxi , I'll give you directions. Just drive at jogging speed.
Employment Friendship , Visitors Only , Everyone at work drew straws and we lost.
Marriage Travel , husband , We can manage on my pension. All we need is the fare to Greenland.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , If I was a tipper, you definitely wouldn't get one.
Entertainment Grooming , bath , I just wanted to tell you I'm gonna be late.
Health Holidays , bandages , Happy birthday, Ralph.
Children Marriage , father law , I don't want a son-in-law who's stupid enough to marry my daughter.
Fashion Marriage , Suits , He doesn't need pockets.
Effectiveness Employment , giraffe paper , I asked my new secretary to get me a sheet of graph paper.
Advertising Sales , Pizza Ready Mins Free , It wasn't ready in 15 minutes was it! It took 35 minutes so you have to pay.
Dentistry Effectiveness , 1986 , I missed a dentist's appointment!
Effectiveness , Committee Room , COMMITTEE ROOM NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Travel , Air Express , Your baggage arrived, but your wife went to Tokyo.
Animals Effectiveness Innovation Pets , bar , It's just till I fix the hole in our fence.
Advertising Retail Sales , Buy And Get Free , If I buy two, do I get them both free?
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , My wife wouldn't come. She said you're a moron.
Crime , 24091 , What's 13 hours off 65 years.
Grooming , Cosmetics , She wants something that you never use.
Advertising Grooming , Haircuts Price , I know ... that's why I'm having a sale
Dating Marriage Dating Marriage , husband husband , I wrote you love letters before we were married because I could afford stamps.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Restaurants , Prescriptions , One of these is a prescription and one is a receipt from a Chinese restaurant.
Marriage Religion , bride , Keep her family happy ... wave this chicken over our heads.
Marriage Science , friend , I've started my own space program. I've already thrown out her mother.
Effectiveness , axe , Keep whistling. I forgot my glasses.
Diet Doctors Health , back , You're going to have to stop eating on the run.
Sales , Gift Voucher For , There must be somebody you don't like.
Dentistry , bill , Root canal? You've charged me for the Suez Canal.
Miscellaneous Politics , Save The World , I only just made it out of the last planet.
Lawyers Marriage , friend , We've agreed on an out-of-court settlement until we can each afford a lawyer.
Travel , Airline , Do you seriously expect me to hurtle through the air at 30,000 feet and not smoke?
Lodging Service Travel , Reception , He can't fix the elevator if he's carrying luggage up the fire escape.
Effectiveness Service , SILENT MAJORITY INFORMATION 2ND DOOR THE RIGHT , SILENT MAJORITY INFORMATION 2ND DOOR ON THE RIGHT NO CAPTION
Animals Automobiles Pets , Dog Licenses , Where does he take the driving test?
Fashion , Suits , That suit was made for you. It's the cheapest one we've got.
Children Death Lawyers , lawyer , Your grandfather ... has left you ... his bicycle!
Animals Food Pets , Fido , He loves Chinese food.
Miscellaneous Philosophy , The End Near , My money's on him.
Government Travel , Customs , You'll need this, I lost the key.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , accused , I've decided to give you another chance. Next time case the joint first.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , MARRIAGE GUIDANCE NO CAPTION
Restaurants Service , Menu , Would you like a drink whilst the chef is trying to catch the catch of the day?
Animals Children Safety Training , duck , When I shout 'Gun', duck.
Art Grooming art , gallery , It's Julius Caesar taking a bath.
Employment Health Marriage , Get Well Soon , You didn't tell me there was a Cynthia and a Janice at your work.
Animals Safety , birds , Alex ... come up this end.
Retail Sales , Pots , Why don't you try it out before you buy it?
Effectiveness Travel , Airline , Your flight left two hours early owing to a malfunction in the captain's watch.
Banks Marriage , Banking bank manager , It's your wife. She wants a divorce.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , Just stop burning the old guy's breakfast.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , I see you're back to five meals a day.
Service Travel , Taxi , Anyone else for the airport?
Animals Lodging Pets , dog , I found wheel tracks in my roses again.
Food Restaurants , cook , Chicken soup, without noodles.
Children Holidays , child , Can you manage that lot in one night?
Automobiles Sales , Pizza , He only delivered to little old ladies!
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , moose , He almost made it across the river.
Entertainment Restaurants , Menu , I thought this place had a floor show.
Quality Restaurants , cook , You the guy with the fly in his soup?
Doctors Health , doctor , I can't hear any problems, but that's not surprising.
Automobiles Innovation Safety , Stop , That's in case you run a red light.
Fashion , Suits Made Measure , Seventy-five degrees.
Lodging Maintenance , Wallpaper , Two rolls of anything. It's for our bedroom.
Health , Prescriptions , Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
Fashion Religion Service , Hat Check , Can't you remember your number?
Animals Banks Pets , Banking Loans , He didn't say 'No', he said 'Maybe.'
Banks Dating , Banking Loans , I'm sorry, we do not lend Miss Perkins.
Leisure Sports , arrows , George is a big game hunter.
Doctors Health , couch , You are two completely different personalities. That'll be 75 bucks each.
Food , Pizza , Take me to my house with a large pepperoni.
Quality Retail Service , frying pan , Does that look like a non-stick frying pan to you?
Art , For Sale , I can't be any fairer than that. ... $1.5 million reduced to $25.
Dating , Ace Movers , You've got lovely eyes.
Crime Effectiveness Food , bread , We ate some of the bread on the way here.
Lodging Maintenance Sales , Pest Control , Get 'em before they come in the house.
Effectiveness Fashion Safety , Lifeguard , LIFEGUARD NO CAPTION
Effectiveness art , , That's a photograph I took of my wife's mother with the lens cap on.
Automobiles Sales , Used Autos , The previous owner was over 10 feet tall.
Food Quality Restaurants , restaurant , I forgot you ordered mash potatoes, so I mashed your french fries.
Safety , cell , How was I supposed to know you were in there! No-one's been down here for 20 years!
Effectiveness Quality , You are Here , This one comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Food Quality Restaurants , menu , You can't have the soup of the day until soup of yesterday has all gone.
Food Holidays , Pizza , Double cheese, with 'Happy Birthday' in mushrooms.
Advertising , Say With Flowers , Don't keep complaining about my mother.
Government Travel , Departure Tax , I only have $2 left.
Innovation , Ban The Wheel , BAN THE WHEEL NO CAPTION
Food , grocery store , There's a new type of butter called 'I Can't Believe It's Not Margarine.'
Animals Pets , bird , He always does that when he's hungry.
Lawyers Marriage , DIVORCE COURT DANCING , DIVORCE COURT NO DANCING NO CAPTION
Fashion Retail , Paints , Got a 38-inch waist in dark gray pinstripe?
Effectiveness Lodging , Plumbing , We're looking for a non-stick bathtub.
Effectiveness Fashion , Telephone , I'll be wearing a pink carnation.
Doctors Health , doctor , You've got two choices: Quit smoking and drinking, or get a better-paying job.
Health Miscellaneous , nutcase , Aha! I knew there was life on this planet.
Crime Lawyers , client , We're waiting for a probation report, Your Honor.
Technology Television , , Avoid all the hassles of remote control.
Automobiles Sales , 499 , Look at that rustproofing.
Art , Museum , Settle an argument. How do you pronounce his name?
Employment , arrows , I asked you a year ago to get me some help pulling up that drawbridge.
Animals Pets , aquarium , They know it's feeding time in 10 minutes.
Effectiveness Food Marriage , cake , We're not too happy with the caterers.
Doctors Health , bed , The doctor says your cast can come off as soon as you've paid the bill.
Retail Service , Tools , This hammer keeps hitting two inches to the left.
Effectiveness Military , castle , Not the laundry!
Effectiveness , You Can Read This Standing Too Close , He's not very sociable.
Fashion Miscellaneous Quality , feathers , You wouldn't last five minutes where I come from.
Marriage , board , We can't stand the sight of each other.
Effectiveness Health , car , He's so lazy. He bought himself an exercise car.
Science , dinosaur , They knew how to build skeletons in those days.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , Take the next left ... and stop at my wife's cousin's house.
Restaurants , restaurant , Smoking or non-smoking?
Restaurants , Menu , Table for two. Food for five.
Lodging Maintenance Sales , Plumbing Supplies , I need a wrench, a face-mask and a snorkel.
Travel , Airport , PIZZA AIRPORT NO CAPTION
Doctors Health , doctor , You've been putting on damp clothing.
Grooming , barber , First, a light dusting of defoliant.
Restaurants , fat lady , AndrŽ, the usual two tables.
Advertising , Rent This Space , Her sister's making 10 bucks a week.
Effectiveness Grooming , Hair Restorer , I wiped it up after I spilled the bottle!
Quality Restaurants , menu , 'Catch of the day' is off till the fog clears.
Restaurants , restaurant , No, no, no ... STEAK, not snake!
Fashion Retail , Suits Made Measure , You're exactly the same size as me.
Doctors Health Music Doctors Health Music , doctor doctor , Your head is rejecting your eardrums. How long have you been a musician?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , I'm gonna count to three. Then I'm going home without you.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Ralph's poodle wants to talk to you.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , desk desk , This is an architect's office. The podiatrist is next door.
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , bandage bandage , We were discussing separate vacations last night. Sorry about all the noise!
Automobiles Sales Sales Automobiles Sales Sales , Car Car , That car you sold me is only getting about six miles to a gallon of gas.
Doctors Health Lawyers Doctors Health Lawyers , doctor doctor , Leave a clamp or something in me. I could really use the money.
Employment Employment , Exit Exit , Is it ten minutes to five already?
Health Health , Weight Clinic Weight Clinic , I'll be back in an hour, Sweetheart.
Animals Farming Animals Farming , NEXT GRASS 143 MILES NEXT GRASS 143 MILES , NEXT GRASS 143 MILES NO CAPTION
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I need some tranquilizers for my husband.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , Goldfish Only Goldfish Only , Put 62 cents' worth in there.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , camel camel , They're specially bred for long walks.
Children Education Children Education , child child , The marquis of Halifax writes, 'The vanity of teaching doth oft tempt man to forget he is a blockhead'.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I'm going to take you off the nitroglycerin pills.
Animals Doctors Health Animals Doctors Health , doctor doctor , If I had to guess, I'd say a very large horsefly.
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , dog dog , He loves people. But mostly he gets canned dog food.
Doctors Health Technology Doctors Health Technology , doctor doctor , We now take blood pressure for the whole body.
Animals Grooming Pets Animals Grooming Pets , bath bath , He hates baths but he can't hold on forever.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Breathe OUT.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Has the dog been out today?
Innovation Technology Innovation Technology , airplane airplane , If anyone needs me, Joyce, I'll be up on the roof for about 20 minutes.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Here's my bill. That should stop you from smoking and drinking for a few months.
Miscellaneous Technology Miscellaneous Technology , farmer farmer , You say it was silver, cigar-shaped and had the letters U.F.O. painted on the side?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , husband husband , Want me to put the cat out?
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , bed bed , If the house was on fire, who would you save first, me or the cat?
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , Fido Fido , He loves Chinese food.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , birds birds , His family flew in for a visit.
Dating Dating , cave man cave man , You don't want us to become extinct, do you?
Animals Pets Safety Animals Pets Safety , Beware Dog Beware Dog , I want to make sure nobody steps on him.
Animals Marriage Animals Marriage , bird bird , They're all the same. ... As soon as I laid the egg, he was off.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , He wants to be a veterinarian.
Food Service Food Service , delivery delivery , I dropped it in the elevator.
Grooming Grooming , Beauty Salon Beauty Salon , Well, nobody can say you didn't try.
Marriage Marriage , bomb bomb , Don't forget it's my mother's birthday tomorrow.
Marriage Military Music Marriage Military Music , band band , The band is not interested in your domestic problems, Wilson.
Lodging Lodging , chair chair , If it's for your wife, sir, I'd suggest crushed velvet.
Dating Dating , boyfriend boyfriend , When you told me on the phone you were 42, 22, 38 I didn't realize you meant your age, your I.Q., and your shoe size.
Health Health , husband husband , I'm gonna get you a Medic-Alert bracelet just in case you're ever found conscious!
Doctors Health Technology Doctors Health Technology , , I thought you said the guy came and fixed this thing!
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , When we get short of bed space, I just walk around the wards with it.
Children Education Food Children Education Food , child child , His teacher wants you to bake a cake for him to take to school. Must be a geology lesson.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I can see my filing cabinet.
Animals Food Animals Food , cave men cave men , Don't keep saying, 'I wonder what it tastes like'!
Animals Science Animals Science , friend friend ,
Animals Crime Pets Animals Crime Pets , , I didn't know how to tell you before. The dog ran off 14 years ago.
Animals Marriage Animals Marriage , pigs pigs , It dudn't get any better than this.
Grooming Health Grooming Health , knees knees , Wow! That's the first time I've noticed both my knees bend the wrong way!
Children Children , child child , Dad, if you let me have a credit card, I swear I'll never use it.
Health Music Health Music , Emergency Emergency , He was playing the violin.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , He wants a second opinion, Ronnie, what do you think?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bone bone , It's not working.
Marriage Television Marriage Television , , Watch this! This is where she hits her husband over the head with a saucepan.
Fashion Quality Fashion Quality , Invisible Mending Invisible Mending , Thirty-four dollars and 50 cents.
Animals Entertainment Animals Entertainment , zoo zoo , Don't eat peanuts. You're drawing a crowd.
Animals Pets Quality Sales Animals Pets Quality Sales , , You can have that three-legged one for $7.50.
Animals Lodging Pets Animals Lodging Pets , bird book bird book , Can't you help me catch the canary?
Entertainment Technology Travel Entertainment Technology Travel , , This is a video of you two watching the video of our vacation.
Health Health , fat lady fat lady , That jogging certainly seems to be getting your weight down.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , bed bed , Doctor, I'm not getting a pulse.
Animals Animals , dragonfly dragonfly , Don't kill it! It'll fly away on its own.
Automobiles Automobiles , car car , Excuse me. I wonder if you would give me a little push?
Animals Effectiveness Food Leisure Animals Effectiveness Food Leisure , bear bear , Did you have to hang the food right above the tent?
Fashion children Fashion children , , She makes all of our clothes.
Children Employment Children Employment , child child , Kiss him good night. He starts his new job tomorrow.
Marriage Travel Marriage Travel , Paris Paris , Two round-the-world cruises in opposite directions.
Employment Employment , arrows arrows , I asked you a year ago to get me some help pulling up that drawbridge.
Safety Safety , fireman fireman , It's in the kitchen as usual.
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , , How come the dog gets lean beef and gravy and I get a cheese sandwich?
Automobiles Government Automobiles Government , Police Police , Your driver's license expired in 1914.
Animals Animals , elephant elephant , Remember six years ago when you left the gate open?
Animals Grooming Animals Grooming , bald bird bald bird , Eighty years old and he doesn't have a gray hair in his head.
Animals Animals , cage cage , That's nice! You show up and all the gorillas run inside.
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , bed bed , Whose turn was it to put out the dog last night?
Children Children , child child , Daryl ... we don't need a meteorite!
Animals Children Entertainment Animals Children Entertainment , Giant Tortoise Rides Giant Tortoise Rides , It's a buck-fifty for 14 hours.
Crime Government Marriage Crime Government Marriage , Police Police , I don't need to look at mug shots. It was my wife and her mother.
Animals Animals , Apes Apes , I wonder if they'll remember you.
Diet Diet , Talking scale Talking scale , Speak your Weight. 138,142,149,153,154,157,229.
Children Children , bald bald , Want me to get you a wig for your birthday?
Animals Health Animals Health , Emergency Emergency , My name or the dog's?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , We've just walked two miles ... that's 14 miles for him.
Religion Marriage Religion Marriage , , I said.... And do you Laverne....Promise to love and obey?...Laverne? Honor and obey? Sure.
Children Leisure Safety Sports Children Leisure Safety Sports , , Guess which tree my dad hit.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , cat cat , Did you feed this cat?
Health Health , bandages bandages , What time did he discharge himself?
Entertainment Health Marriage Entertainment Health Marriage , bed bed , Aren't you going to wish me a Happy New Year?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , boyfriend boyfriend , This is my oldest hamster, Marvin, from my first marriage.
Safety Safety , fat lady fat lady , I always sit behind her on the bus in case there's a head-on collision.
Children Education Quality Children Education Quality , English Literature English Literature , Shakespeare, did your father help you with this homework?
Animals Children Animals Children , chick chick , I know you're cold. It's cold for all of us.
Automobiles Retail Automobiles Retail , Garage Garage , When I said I wanted heavy-duty shocks, I didn't mean when I read the bill.
Children Holidays Innovation Children Holidays Innovation , child child , They should move Christmas to January -everything's cheaper.
Effectiveness Effectiveness , Security Security , Make sure you don't forget to return that pass before you leave the building.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , He says you gotta go to bed and take a couple of aspirins.
Effectiveness Television Effectiveness Television , , There's a 200-foot monster outside and he tells her to bolt the door.
Marriage Miscellaneous Marriage Miscellaneous , , Your mother's out in the yard.
Diet Food Health , , Excuse me. Could I have a hamburger, please? Onion rings. Large ilk. French fries. With gravy.
Animals Innovation Lodging Pets Animals Innovation Lodging Pets , door door , We don't allow the dog into the living room.
Automobiles Children Automobiles Children , Auto Parts Auto Parts , Got a pedal for a '91 Batmobile?
Animals Employment Pets Animals Employment Pets , boss boss , Divorce is very hard on the goldfish.
Employment Sports Employment Sports , football football , That's our third loss in a row. You're fired.
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , , The engine is being repaired. Would you like to take it for a test push?
Animals Farming Animals Farming , , Don't ask. Narrowest escape I ever had. Chased me for 3 miles. Finally cornered me in a ravine. What could I do? I had to buy the guy a new cow.
Animals Entertainment Marriage Animals Entertainment Marriage , Monkey House Monkey House , You go and have your family reunion and I'll meet you by the penguins.
Animals Fashion Animals Fashion , bar bar , Her mother had a coat made and put 'squirrel' on the endangered species list!
Animals Science Animals Science , cage cage , Millions of years of evolution, and that's the latest model!
Food Quality Food Quality , husband husband , Can you eat turkey leftovers again?
Music Music , , NO CAPTION
Animals Science Animals Science , bones bones , He's 50,000 years old. That's three and a half million to you and me.
Doctors Doctors , doctor doctor , A lot of men would love to be 7 feet tall.
Retail Accounting Retail Accounting , , Excuse me. Young man, do you take credit cards? Platinum cards? Gold cards? Er... What about cards 'over the limit' ?
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , Menu Menu , Today's special is spaghetti with alphabet letters in the sauce.
Leisure Travel Leisure Travel , beach beach , That lifeguard said, 'Stay out of the shipping lanes.'
Dentistry Effectiveness Dentistry Effectiveness , dentist dentist , The other scraper!
Diet Health Diet Health , , It's Happy Hour. Do you want grape or raspberry?
Health Health , balloons balloons , Terrible thing, depression.
Health Insurance Health Insurance , , Are you back already? Did you see the doctor? He gave me three months. Are you gonna pay $487 in three months?
Animals Pets Restaurants Animals Pets Restaurants , bar bar , Hey, Rosie. Gimme a small grape juice and stick it on his tab.
Food Food , Piza Piza , You ordered a small Pisa.
Animals Science Animals Science , Zoo Zoo , One round-trip and one one-way.
Sales Construction Safety Sales Construction Safety , Real Estate Real Estate , What about noise? Don't worry about the Roller-Rink next door. The previous owner had this wall completely sound-proofed. CRASH!
Health Politics Health Politics , , You'll be fine, that drip will last you for two weeks.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , back back , He took out my appendix and I don't even have a scar.
Marriage Safety Marriage Safety , , Why's he got all those flowers? He's a world-famous opera singer. Fell off the stage last night during "Rigatoni." Why don't you get his autograph?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bird bird , He always does that when he's hungry.
Animals Children Animals Children , birds birds , Whaddyer mean, 'They don't look like you?' You idiot. They're eggs!
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , What's wrong with your neck?
Technology Technology , adjustable bed adjustable bed , He didn't know it was adjustable. He thought it was for a vibrating massage.
Quality Service Quality Service , birthday birthday , I'm a singing birthday card. Got a piano and a couple of beers?
Animals Food Animals Food , flipper flipper , I don't know how you can eat those things.
Entertainment Marriage Entertainment Marriage , door door , We were just toying with the idea of going to see a movie. Can you come back in about three minutes?
Automobiles Service Automobiles Service , Pizza Pizza , Just imagine I'm a pizza and deliver me to my sister's.
Science Science , husband husband , George is an amateur astronomer.
Advertising Effectiveness Advertising Effectiveness , STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED , STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED NO CAPTION
Retail Technology Retail Technology , Cameras Cameras , You'll need a wide-angle lens for a self-portrait.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , birdcage birdcage , I wouldn't buy anything else from the Amazon.
Marriage Marriage , counselor counselor , She never wants to go out.
Dating Dating , date date , I don't want to rush things. Let's exchange photographs first.
Military Safety Technology Military Safety Technology , ,
Animals Children Animals Children , dog dog , Does anyone need to use the bathroom while we're here?
Quality Restaurants Quality Restaurants , Menu Menu , I strongly recommend the only thing we've got left.
Animals Children Doctors Pets Animals Children Doctors Pets , animal animal , You're a vet. Don't you know what it is?
Animals Fashion Food Animals Fashion Food , bull bull , Wait till you guys feel this leather.
Animals Children Pets Animals Children Pets , cat cat , Dad, the cat got married!
Animals Newspapers Pets Animals Newspapers Pets , bird bird , You put the comics page in here. You know he likes the editorials.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , And don't give me any of those local anesthetics. Get me the good imported stuff.
Fashion Marriage Retail Fashion Marriage Retail , Wear Wear , We'll take the one on the left.
Animals Lodging Pets Animals Lodging Pets , dog door dog door , We bought another dog.
Retail Science Retail Science , Cosmetics Cosmetics , I wanna buy a book about the universe.
Military Military , barrel barrel , Did you say that guy next door joined the Army?
Animals Religion Animals Religion , Ark Ark , I told you it wouldn't float.
Health Health , bandages bandages , They're gonna use your X-rays in a textbook!
Sales Training Service , , Excuse me, sir. Sir, I informed his lordship you had an offer he couldn't refuse... He suggests you wait in the library. This way. Third on the left past the traffic lights.
Friendship Health Marriage Friendship Health Marriage , bandage bandage , I told her I wanted a 'trial separation' so she tried to separate my shoulder!
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , footprints footprints , The dog ate a whole bag of chili powder.
Quality Restaurants Quality Restaurants , plate plate , Is that supposed to be a tip?
Animals Effectiveness Employment Training Animals Effectiveness Employment Training , Think Grade Large Think Grade Large , THINK GRADE 'A' LARGE NO CAPTION
, Bathroom Medicine Cabinet Bathroom Medicine Cabinet , My God! I look TERRIBLE.
Lodging Miscellaneous aliens Lodging Miscellaneous aliens , , Eventually, when we get more space, we're gonna build them little houses and real little lawn mowers.
Doctors Health Sports Doctors Health Sports , barbell barbell , We found your knees.
Food Restaurants Food Restaurants , bugel bugel , Bagel!
Leisure Leisure , , Stairs. Did you enjoy your first ride on the subway, grandpa? Fantastic! What's up? How did they get the trains down there?
Health Service Health Service , Out Patients Out Patients , Who's next?
lawyers marriage lawyers marriage , ,
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , 385 pounds, including the towel.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , cafe cafe , Hey, Harry, can I have the key to the sugar?
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , dog dog , Got any calorie-reduced, caffeine-free, non-dairy, low-cholesterol dog biscuits?
Children Children , boy scout boy scout , He tied a knot.
Fashion Retail Service Fashion Retail Service , Complaints Complaints , It's too tight.
Restaurants Restaurants , cafe cafe , Excuse me ... you're blocking the aisle!
Science Science , blackboard blackboard , I've proven I don't exist.
Mail Travel Mail Travel , , How much would it cost to send a 185-pound wooden crate to Hawaii for two weeks?
Automobiles Training Automobiles Training , School Driving School Driving , Remember what you learned yesterday. You've got to sit up here behind the steering wheel.
Fashion Restaurants Fashion Restaurants , husband husband , It states quite clearly ... 'evening dress.'
Doctors Fashion Health Doctors Fashion Health , doctor doctor , You'd look a lot better if you didn't wear a striped shirt.
Pets Pets , Real Estate Real Estate ,
Aliens Employment Ethics Miscellaneous Aliens Employment Ethics Miscellaneous , alien alien , Are we still hiring minorities?
Employment Farming Employment Farming , bed bed ,
Banks Children Banks Children , Banking Mortages Loans Banking Mortages Loans , This will all be yours one day, Darryl.
Effectiveness Effectiveness , Dry Paint Dry Paint , DRY PAINT NO CAPTION
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog house dog house , He hates taking a bath.
Animals Farming Food Animals Farming Food , Grade Grade , Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Technology Travel Technology Travel , Airway Airway , No offense, but I have installed a little electronic homing device on my suitcase.
Automobiles Government Automobiles Government , bumper bumper , I don't suppose you got the license plate number, did you?
Entertainment Music Entertainment Music , musician musician , What am I going to do if it rains?
Marriage Miscellaneous Marriage Miscellaneous , mother law mother law , I decided to save you the trouble of visiting me.
Animals Pets Safety Animals Pets Safety , Men Work Men Work , MEN AT WORK NO CAPTION
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed bed , We'll get you down to X-ray in a few minutes.
Automobiles Crime Safety Automobiles Crime Safety , , Police. Sorry, officer. I'm gonna let you off with a warning this time. But don't let it happen again. Yes, Sir, Thank you, Sir. Thanks for nothing!
Doctors Health Insurance Doctors Health Insurance , bandages bandages , Your medical insurance has run out. You'll have to remove your own bandages.
Animals Animals , bird bird , THE BIRD FEEDER IS EMPTY NO CAPTION
Crime Effectiveness Crime Effectiveness , , Well? You're my lawyer, Sidney. Ninety-nine years for 158 counts of bigamy? ...Sidney? Bad luck. Bad luck!! They had 11 of my wives on the jury!!!
Animals Pets Television Animals Pets Television , cat cat , What happened to the TV?
Health Health , Drugstore Drugstore , Contact lens cleaner?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , aquarium aquarium , They know it's feeding time in 10 minutes.
Pets Retail Pets Retail , , Anybody work here? Hey mister...How much are the angel fish? $35.00. How much are the big black one's with whiskers? $2.00. One of them just ate an angel fish.
Automobiles Service Automobiles Service , car car , $84 for labor! Wow, what an honor! Bill Gates changed my plugs.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , cat cat , OK, OK ... you can stay out Saturday night.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , husband husband , It didn't look like that in the store.
Effectiveness Military Effectiveness Military , castle castle , Not the laundry!
Animals Animals , Apes Apes , APES HUMANS NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Grooming Effectiveness Grooming , Hair Restorer Hair Restorer , I wiped it up after I spilled the bottle!
Effectiveness Employment Effectiveness Employment , employer employer , I always wear my lucky hat for job interviews.
Animals Holidays Pets Animals Holidays Pets , Happy 385 Happy 385 , The dog made me a birthday card!
Animals Children Doctors Pets Animals Children Doctors Pets , Vet Vet , Now he's scratching the furniture with his teeth.
Banks Banks , Bank Banking Bank Banking , I don't want my wife to find out I have an account here.
Miscellaneous Miscellaneous , cactus cactus , You been talking to this cactus again?
Lodging Lodging , mother law mother law , Your room's upstairs. The ladder's in the garage.
Entertainment Leisure Entertainment Leisure , board game board game , Let's see. How much rent do you owe me with 17 hotels on Boardwalk?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dogs dogs , Would you say you're fond of animals?
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , dog dog , She wants to know what the pot roast was like.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , husband husband , I told you not to plant it too close to the house.
Art Effectiveness Art Effectiveness , artist artist , NO CAPTION
Animals Death Pets Animals Death Pets , bowl fish bowl fish , I keep it just as 'Goldie' left it four years ago.
Animals Death Pets Animals Death Pets , Vet Vet , Good news and bad news. The good news is he won't be scratching your furniture anymore.
Science Science , dinosaur dinosaur , They knew how to build skeletons in those days.
Employment Employment , assistant assistant , D'you wanna speak to the boss or to someone who knows what she's talking about?
Quality Restaurants Quality Restaurants , menu menu , What's the muck-of-the-day?
Leisure Retail Safety Leisure Retail Safety , , Listen, kid - if I sold you a pair of roller skates, I'd lay awake nights worrying.
Children Children , bullseye bullseye , NO CAPTION
Aliens Animals Miscellaneous Religion Aliens Animals Miscellaneous Religion , dog dog , We will now sing hymn No. 47.
Marriage Technology Marriage Technology , friend friend , You can tell me now. I took the batteries out of his hearing aid.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , accused accused , What exactly do you mean by 'Let's you and me settle this outside in the alley!'
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , bag bag , He's got my tuna fish sandwiches again!
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Can you get that phone? I'm trying to bathe the dog.
Dentistry Doctors Health Dentistry Doctors Health , bandages bandages , He'd just spent $600 having his tooth capped.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I'm well aware you're only 28 years old. That's why I'm telling you to take better care of yourself.
Health Music Health Music , bed bed , Have they removed the saxophone yet?
Food Quality Food Quality , husband husband , That stove should be in a war museum.
Science Science , cactus cactus , I think you've over watered it.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , I'd hazard a guess there's an 'E' on there somewhere.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , desk desk , I'm taking you off the vitamins for a while.
Maintenance Maintenance , Wet Paint Wet Paint , Are you a good runner?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bed bed , Your boss wants to hear you cough.
Sales Sales , house house , Good morning, sir. Is your wife home?
Food Safety Food Safety , cake cake , Oh, oh! It says, 'Must be eaten before Feb. 1978'.
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , dogs dogs , Any mail for Number 27, Frank?
Retail Sales Service Retail Sales Service , Pipes Pipes , This may be out of your price range. It's $2.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , Every time you take him for a walk he gets longer!
Employment Innovation Service Employment Innovation Service , butler butler , Have you been at my sherry again, Wilkins?
Animals Automobiles Pets Animals Automobiles Pets , Dog Licenses Dog Licenses , Where does he take the driving test?
Animals Newspapers Pets Animals Newspapers Pets , bone bone , The dog wants to come in.
Effectiveness Health Technology Effectiveness Health Technology , bed bed , 196, 197, 198, 199 ...
Doctors Health Doctors Health , bullseye bullseye , You ready?
Animals Food Animals Food , birds birds , Keep your mouth closed when you're eating.
Fashion Restaurants Service Fashion Restaurants Service , maitre dis maitre dis , Isn't he the guy you wouldn't let in last week without a tie?
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , Acupuncture Acupuncture , My hands are not as steady as they used to be.
Diet Doctors Health Diet Doctors Health , back back , You're going to have to stop eating on the run.
Children Entertainment Children Entertainment , adult adult , We don't care whose house it is, we don't want you at our party.
Animals Children Safety Animals Children Safety , Crocodiles Crocodiles , Get a move on. I'm not paying $6 for another frisbee.
Animals Children Safety Training Animals Children Safety Training , duck duck , When I shout 'Gun', duck.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Doctors Effectiveness Health , arm arm , Does that hurt?
Children Holidays Children Holidays , child child , Okay, cut out the creeping around. What have I got?
Animals Lodging Animals Lodging , , Look at this! You give those mice an inch and they take a mile!
Retail Service Retail Service , Customer Relations Customer Relations , So you're the brother-in-law of the lady who bought a dining room set last year.
Effectiveness Holidays Effectiveness Holidays , Santa Claus Santa Claus , I told you to fetch me a sander.
Animals Farming Food Animals Farming Food , chicken chicken , Cradle snatcher!
Service Service , Information Information , Who am I? And what am I doing here?
Children Holidays Children Holidays , Christmas Santa Claus child Christmas Santa Claus child , Telling me an old man dressed in red is coming in here tonight is not going to help me to sleep.
Quality Technology Quality Technology , husband husband , No wonder this pen's got a lifetime guarantee. The cap won't come off.
Doctors Health Safety Doctors Health Safety , bed bed , OK, turn on your left side and face the window.
Doctors Health Leisure Marriage Doctors Health Leisure Marriage , bandages bandages , You'd better not play cards with your wife for a while.
Animals Marriage Pets Animals Marriage Pets , dog dog , See that! I said the dog looked like your mother and it bit me.
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , He says you gotta go to bed and take a couple of aspirins.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , hammer hammer , What was all that screaming outside?
Animals Banks Crime Effectiveness Animals Banks Crime Effectiveness , Banking bank Banking bank , I thought you said, 'Hand over the bunny'!
Entertainment Entertainment , Cinema Now Showing Cinema Now Showing , For Pete's sake, don't sit behind her when we get inside.
Diet Doctors Food Health Diet Doctors Food Health , Drug Clinic Drug Clinic , He says he's developed a dependency on three meals a day.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , , I thought that was the exit.
Service Service , 387 387 , 386 1/2 ...
Animals Science Animals Science , bug bug , I wonder if there's intelligent life on other trees.
Animals Marriage Animals Marriage , Hippo Hippo , Did you remember to send your mother a birthday card?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , body cast body cast , How's he sleeping at night?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , carpet carpet , He'll only go on the rug.
Animals Fashion Animals Fashion , bananas bananas , I told you not to wear that dumb hat.
Restaurants Service Restaurants Service , husband husband , I told you not to order tuna in this place.
Animals Pets Religion Animals Pets Religion , automobile automobile , Hey, poodle ... sweetheart. ... How's it going, baby?
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , He can hold his breath for 10 minutes.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bed bed , Will you stop grinding your teeth!
Animals Pets Safety Animals Pets Safety , dog dog , NO CAPTION
Automobiles Safety Automobiles Safety , automobile automobile , It's barely noticeable from the outside.
Animals Entertainment Miscellaneous Pets Animals Entertainment Miscellaneous Pets , Hat Check Hat Check , NO CAPTION
Animals Food Animals Food , ice berg ice berg , Oh no! Freezer burn!
Marriage Marriage , husband husband , When I said for better or for worse, I didn't know the worse was gonna be this worse.
Employment Military Employment Military , shields shields , What do you mean you overslept? That's the third battle you've missed this month!
Doctors Health Doctors Health , arrows arrows , Drink this, but stand over there by the sink.
Restaurants Service food Restaurants Service food , , It must be your pronunciation.
Grooming Safety Grooming Safety , bath bath , When I was a little girl I used to be afraid of sliding down the plug hole.
Government Government , Driver Examination Traffic Driver Examination Traffic , I don't have to take off my clothes, do I?
Animals Food Innovation Science Animals Food Innovation Science , aquarium aquarium , We've genetically engineered a tuna exactly the same diameter as our cans.
Leisure Safety Leisure Safety , YOU SEE LARGE FIN LEAVE THE WATER YOU SEE LARGE FIN LEAVE THE WATER , IF YOU SEE A LARGE FIN LEAVE THE WATER NO CAPTION
Children Dating Children Dating , beach beach , I need enough money to buy my fiance an ice-cream.
Dentistry Technology Dentistry Technology , dentist dentist , The old methods are still the best.
Animals Science Animals Science , branch branch , I know he's your cousin, Maurice, but don't you think he's a little strange?
Animals Food Pets Animals Food Pets , Fish Fish , I'll just let them help themselves.
Animals Food Safety Animals Food Safety , bench bench , NO CAPTION MAN FEEDING BIRDS
Leisure Safety Sports Leisure Safety Sports , airplane airplane , NO CAPTION PLANE SHOT DOWN WITH GUN
Restaurants Restaurants , Vino Vino , I think you ordered us a three-course meal from the wine list.
Animals Food Animals Food , fence fence , Needless to say, we don't buy extra-large eggs anymore.
Animals Health Animals Health , arm arm , Your wife says you stopped a runaway horse.
Effectiveness Retail Effectiveness Retail , Greeting Cards Greeting Cards , This one's not doing much for me. What else have you got?
Children Marriage Children Marriage , , Aaaggggh! You made 38 overseas, long-distance telephone calls to your mother last month!! It must be a computer error. Or... Oh no! Hi GWANMA.
Crime Crime , Jewelry Store Jewelry Store , You gonna be long? I'm double-parked.
Crime Marriage Crime Marriage , 999 999 , Make up your mind, Harold. Which one of us do you want to remain married to?
Doctors Health Doctors Health , doctor doctor , Do you want to know what's wrong with you or just the dollar amount?
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , bride bride , With this $365 ring, plus sales tax, I thee wed.
Animals Animals , grass grass , I was abandoned by my parents as a baby, and raised by a family of rabbits.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , chair chair , You got down there to do sit-ups and fell asleep.
Children Effectiveness Employment Children Effectiveness Employment , axe axe , Mom! ... I'm over here.
Animals Automobiles Pets Animals Automobiles Pets , air valve air valve , That serves him right. He's bitten the valve off my tire!
Animals Leisure Sports Animals Leisure Sports , animal deer hunter hunting animal deer hunter hunting , I hit it with the truck.
Children Health Children Health , Maternity Maternity , Get lost, lady. I'm looking for the X-ray department.
Crime Government Crime Government , Jail Jail , Good luck, Miller. Try to stay out of trouble.
Animals Technology Animals Technology , ham radio ham radio , You never heard of a ham operator before?
Government Travel Government Travel , Immigration Immigration , That picture was taken when I was on the ground.
Animals Grooming Animals Grooming , birdbath birdbath , Who d'you think wants to drink that after you've been sitting in it?
Marriage Marriage , Rice Rice , That was my ex-husband.
Animals Animals , monkey monkey , Don't turn around and hand over the keys to the monkey house.
Banks Banks , Banking husband Banking husband , What do you mean you don't trust banks? You only have $34.
Mail Mail , Mailman Mailman , I haven't opened it, this is the envelope!
Dating Dating , boyfriend boyfriend , We were made for each other, Cybil!
accounting accounting , brain brain , I can't remember: Are accountants 'left brain' or 'right brain'?
Automobiles Maintenance Automobiles Maintenance , Auto Parts Auto Parts , Joyce, what was that thing you bought for your car when it wouldn't start?
Food Food , boyfriend boyfriend , I made you a mug of coffee to drink while I'm getting ready.
Quality Retail Quality Retail , Greetings Greetings , I'm looking for a card that reflects me ... cheap.
Animals Mail Pets Animals Mail Pets , dog dog , He starts barking when the mailman leaves the depot.
Dentistry Dentistry , dentist dentist , So, did any of your other clients lose money on the stock market besides me?
Education Employment Education Employment , Personel Personel , Your resume says you spent 'fore years at collej.'
Diet Doctors Food Health Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor doctor , Try to remember all the things you've eaten in the past three days.
Innovation Lodging Maintenance Innovation Lodging Maintenance , brush brush , Five cans of ceiling white.
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , frying pan frying pan , He told me to wake him at exactly 8 o'clock.
Leisure Marriage Sports , brick karate , Have you got any old bricks I can take to my karate lesson?
Food Miscellaneous Service , lectern protest , Guy in the front row wants to know if you like blueberry or custard cream?
Children Effectiveness Children Effectiveness , bed father bed father , "You are supposed to be reading that to ME."
Entertainment Marriage Television Entertainment Marriage Television , , Don't keep changing the channels. All we ever do is watch television... We never just sit and talk about things anymore! Whaddya want to talk about? It's too late now My program starts in ten minutes.
Children Marriage Music , baby , The doctor thinks he's going to be very musical.
Banks Children Crime Marriage , 373 Banking prison , Cindy's getting a job at a bank and needs you as a reference.
Lawyers Miscellaneous Travel aliens , , Ignorance of the law is no excuse, buddy!
Children Philosophy Children Philosophy , , I still have that dollar you gave me. When I grow up, I'm gonna be rich. Just remember having money causes a lot of worries. Personally, I never have to worry about going broke. You're ALWAYS broke!!! Exactly.
Banks , Interest Banking , In your case, we have no interest at all!
Doctors Effectiveness Health Quality , doctor , Nurse ... see if you can Þnd my little rubber hammer.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor medicine , How am I supposed to know you're allergic to these if you don't tell me!
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , , Next case. Who are you? He's William Clodd, your Honor, he's charged with impersonating a police officer... Are you trying to be funny! Who's the arresting officer?
Food Restaurants Service , bum , Coffee is 50 cents for the Þrst half-hour and 30 cents for each additional half-hour.
Art Marriage , gallery , Was he as short as that in real life?
, , There's six billion of them down here! Make sure none get on the ship before we take off.
Innovation Marriage Retail Technology Innovation Marriage Retail Technology , , Are you busy? I'm work out... Can't you help me get some meat? You know I can't run! I already caught the animal.... AND cut it up! It'll be all messy... I wrapped up the pieces. How far away is it? I made you this.
Holidays Marriage , anniversary , I asked him what he wanted for our anniversary and he said 'two minutes of silence.'
Employment Food Politics Restaurants , Dogs union , Gimme 14 hot dogs.
, husband husband , That robot that replaced you at work has been laid off!
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Quality Retail Service , glass , Can you cut me a star-shaped piece of glass to Þt that hole?
Effectiveness Friendship Leisure Sports , clubs golf , I was wondering how you'd play that shot.
Doctors Effectiveness Food Health , Exray , I think that dark shadow is where I spilled some coffee.
Dating Marriage Retail , husband , I think we've decided on the ruby-and-diamond cluster.
Employment , boss , Okay, you've got the job! On your mark, get set, ...
Children Grooming , bald , He wasn't always bald. It's acid rain.
Marriage , bride , Oh, sweetheart! You're my very Þrst husband.
Animals Children Pets Animals Children Pets , , Dad, we have a problem... I was giving the dog a haircut two days ago and he ran off.... Listen. ...YOU wanted the dog in the first place. If you want him back... YOU find him... It's not MY problem... He's got YOUR electric razor stuck on his back....
Quality Safety Service Technology , Mixo , The top keeps ßying off this food mixer.
Effectiveness Employment Ethics , boss , If you can spare the time, Williams, I'd like to see you in my ofÞce.
Effectiveness Grooming Retail Sales , bath , I like the color but won't the water keep running out?
Children Health , Maternity birth child child birth nurse , Whad'dya mean triplets! He was here Þrst.
Automobiles Health Training , accident hospital , I hate bothering you, but my wife wants to know if she passed her driver's test.
Employment Ethics , boss , Now I suppose you're gonna sulk because I wouldn't give you the afternoon off!
Food Marriage Quality , dinner , I can't eat anymore of these turquoise peas!
Aliens Effectiveness Aliens Effectiveness , ALIEN ALIEN , Zigor? Is Zigor home? Zigor Hackenback. This is Thirteen Primrose Gardens, isn't it? Oh no! Primrose Gdns., Jupiter
Doctors Health , centanarian , Look, you're 103 years old, you've got to start taking better care of yourself.
Doctors Health Quality , EPOTZBQINYSHLMNZV , Haven't you got one in English?
Marriage , husband , You're the one who kept telling me you were a 'go-getter.'
Children Education , , If you're so smart, how come the world was in such a mess before I got here?
Entertainment Food Retail Entertainment Food Retail , , Is that everything? Three cases of smoked crab meat, sixteen jars of caviar, pickled herring....... That's seven hundred & twenty-three dollars and 85 cents. Oh no!! I left my wallet at home!! What do you want to do now?
Entertainment Leisure Lodging , neighbor , Will you keep the noise down! We're trying to have a party next door.
Food Marriage Quality , dinner , Why did you move your plate?
Advertising Effectiveness Food Restaurants , Cafe , I'll have a coffee and a Danish to go.
Lodging Travel , hotel , I don't mind the 17th ßoor as long as I have 64 sheets on my bed.
Children Marriage Children Marriage , , Can I talk to you, Dad? Dad, I'm nervous about getting married next month.... I can't help wondering if he's the right man. He's no different from me when I was his age. You're right... I'll call it off.
Miscellaneous aliens , Estate Real Real Estate , He wants to give us $1,000 to use the moon for a few days!
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Marriage Service , bill , According to the computer, we owe the gas company $14.3 billion for August.
Banks Crime Retail , Banking bank , Can you change a $100 bill?
Crime Ethics Lawyers , accused , Your honor, before the jury retires to reach a verdict my client wishes to present each of them with a little gift of jewelry.
Employment , boss , You'd better remove your makeup. I've got some good news.
Leisure Newspapers , bench , I don't mind you reading over my shoulder, but don't start doing the crossword puzzle.
Children Education Science aliens , , Dad, a guy at school said we all came from humans.
Food Health Retail Technology , appliance , Have you got a 24-slice toaster?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , customer , As soon as he's finished, rush that glass of water over to table nine.
Doctors Health Quality Science Technology , Exray , I'll have to X-ray your arm again. This one is overexposed.
Restaurants Service , camera , D'you mind if I take a photo? It's not often we get a 15-cent tip.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , bowl , What did you expect to Þnd in oxtail soup?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , chef , As I wasn't too busy, I made you my international award-winning hamburger deluxe.
Construction Effectiveness Innovation Construction Effectiveness Innovation , GIANT GIANT , Nearly finished? Straighten up that one at teh end..... Thousands of years from now, Kevin, people are going to wonder how we did it..... Did what? Built this!
Friendship Marriage , dots , So this is your wife, Dottie.
Children Effectiveness Safety , boy , You dropped your sheet of glass back there!
Construction Lodging Maintenance Retail Safety , arrow , I need 400 of these and a pair of hinges.
Crime Entertainment Lodging Crime Entertainment Lodging , , There's got to be more to life than this... I've been getting really bored since I retired. I need some excitement. I want to wake up in the morning with a sense of anticipation. When you go to bed at night... ... Leave your front door unlocked.
Travel , , I'm looking for an uninhabited island with a fantastic night life.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , fence neighbor , Your wife tells me you're making some bookshelves.
Quality Restaurants Service , bill , There's the bill and here's a photo of my wife and kids.
Food Innovation Retail , inventor , Large coffee to go and make sure the lid's on tight.
Health Leisure Sports Health Leisure Sports , , Have you heard the latest? Old Tom's running in the marathon next week. Good luck. I seem to remember you took up running. Last year. D'you know what they mean when marathon runners "hit the wall"? DId you hit it? About six feet outside my front door.
Doctors Health Marriage Quality , bed hospital , Want me to try to get you a private ward?
Effectiveness Fashion Grooming Leisure , cocktail , The invitation said 'informal dress', so I borrowed one from my sister.
Animals Children Health , Maternity , You're absolutely certain this one's mine?
Children Politics Children Politics , , Hi, Uncle George. Why don't you tell your old Uncle how you're doing at school? It's difficult to pinpoint at this time. I think progress is a little slower than expected. A tight domestic budget precludes me from requesting additional allowance for extra books and equipment I need... ...Which is turn has compelled me to seek part-time employment delivering papers. Getting up at 6 A.M. does tend to cut into my study time and could account for the occasional lack of diligence. Remember me when you get elected.
Marriage , bench finance , As soon as I got married, I saved every spare nickel. Now I've got eight bucks!
Food Quality Restaurants Service , chair , That guy who said the coffee tasted funny left without paying!
Holidays Marriage Television , burglar , I know what you got me for my birthday. It was on the 11 o'clock news.
Animals Food Pets Restaurants , cafe dog , Banana milkshake and two straws.
Grooming Service , bathtub hotel , Room 1708 doesn't have a plug for the bath!
Quality Retail Sales , Necklaces Each , Are these green ones emeralds?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , EBGFA , Cover your left eye, Madame.
Fashion Grooming Restaurants Service , club , I told you yesterday - you can't come in without wearing a tie.
Aliens Aliens , , Daybreak Looks like it's gonna be another hot one.
Animals Fashion Pets Retail , Specialize Crocodile Shoes crocodile , He needs a set by Friday.
Crime Lawyers , accused , Your honor, with 85 previous acquittals, my client has a faultless record.
Doctors Health Quality , doctor eyes , Are both of you suffering from double vision?
Employment Military , application , I see you spent the last 12 years in the Navy.
Restaurants Service , chef , How did you say that without moving your lips?
Employment , applicant , Your job application says you like meeting the public.
Doctors Friendship Health , bed hospital , If you get any worse, can I keep your paint roller?
Automobiles Children Service , auto mechanic , When you grow up, make sure you marry a mechanic.
Grooming Quality Retail Service Grooming Quality Retail Service , hair hair , Joycey, what's the best stuff for split ends?
Automobiles Service , butler , If we don't Þnd a gas station soon, Wilkins, I'm going to have to take a rest.
Children Leisure Safety , board , Oh no! That was going straight in the bull's-eye.
Grooming Retail , Business Usual During Renovations , no CAPTION, Business as usual during renovations.
Animals Food Marriage , egg turtle , Where did you get these eggs?
Children Ethics Television , , I can watch as much crime and violence as I like as long as they all keep their clothes on.
Lawyers Sales , Nuts judge justice , D'you mind not shouting 'peanuts' during the prosecutor's closing arguments.
Food Quality Restaurants , Menu , He said he wanted the menu back to have a good laugh.
Ethics Lawyers , client , If we sue for half a million, there should be a couple of hundred in it for you.
Holidays Marriage , Birthday , I thought that was last year.
Retail Service , club , What does that mean, 'Merchandise returned at your own risk'?
Children Marriage , brave indians , I have two daughters! Why do you insist on White Fawn and not Galloping Buffalo?
Automobiles, Friendship, Marriage, Health, Safety , , The guys all send their regards. What happened, Harry? My wife had trouble putting the car in the car in the garage. You told me you'd never ride with her again. I didn't. I was sitting in the kitchen!
Children Miscellaneous , girl , I could have been Miss Universe, but they didn't have space travel in those days.
Quality Restaurants Service , customer , Sorry about the inconvenience! We're having the ceiling painted.
Grooming Marriage , hat , I think I just found your other blue sock.
Children , bubble gum , I think he's even taller than I was at his age.
Marriage Religion Marriage Religion , DIANE DIANE , I want to say a few words before I begin George, I've know you since you were a baby... I married your parents and I watched you grow into a fine young man. I know you had a lot of bad luck ... But this is your fourth time up here in seven years. You're making it tough for all of us.
Service Technology Television Service Technology Television , REPAIRS REPAIRS , It's still under warranty. How long have you had it? Three months. It was working fine up until last night. What exactly happened? I'm not sure. My wife's shoe is in there somewhere.
Friendship Leisure Lodging , ball neighbor , Is that for a pool?
Food Quality Restaurants Safety , customer , I finally sold that piece of pork pie!
Quality Restaurants Service , chef , This is a double celebration! I've been open six months and you're my sixth customer.
Holidays Lodging Travel , Hotel , Ring it again.
Children, Diet, Health , , Hi, Dad Your mother tells me you've joined the Boy Scouts. Don't forget you have to do a good deed today I already did. What? I'm not selling you any of this chocolate.
Effectiveness Employment , microphone , It's a good speech! You're just not reading it right.
Employment Employment , boss boss , Head office wants us to send someone to the Arctic.
Children , birthday , If you're going out, don't let us stop you.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor nurse , Oh please! I promise I won't mess it up like last time.
Animals Lodging , balcony gorilla , Did you lock that balcony door?
Grooming Quality Retail Service , drug store , He said this stuff made his hair turn purple.
Animals Employment Safety , boss shark , Watch out for that big fella when you wash the insides.
, artist artist , I need enough paint for two mountains, Þve trees and a small lake.
Crime , 787 prison , What do you want, Warden? I'm really busy!
Dating , boyfriend , There's someone here right now, Steve. I'll call you back in Þve minutes.
Lodging Technology Lodging Technology , , Don't run away, Mildew. At 3:27 P.M. on the 17th of last month, you borrowed my hacksaw and pliers. On the 22nd, at 10:30 AM. you got my screwdriver. At 5:38 P.M. precisely on the 26th, it was our barbeque tongs and a bag of charcoal briquettes. One day later at 11:05 A.M., our ironing board crossed the great divide and, as with all of the above, has yet to be seen again. What was all that about? He's bought himself a personal computer.
Children Crime Sales , cell prison , D'you wanna buy any Girl Guide cookies?
Animals Pets Sales , collar dog , Wait there while I tie up the dog.
Banks Crime Effectiveness , Bank Charges Banking , Tell him! I was here first!
Ethics Politics , hands , That was close! We won by two votes.
Employment Leisure Travel , Hawaiin shirt , Tell Williams I've decided to send him to Hawaii.
Effectiveness Lodging , neighbor , I live across the hall. Got any spare outlets you're not using?
Children Food Marriage Politics , book , He ate the whole chocolate cake to protest the current economic situation in Russia.
Automobiles Marriage , Phone , The good news is, I've saved you Þve bucks at the carwash tomorrow.
Children , Romance motorcycle , Grandma, if you bought a motorbike, we could both use it!
Animals Crime Health , bee police , I'm not going to tell you again, pal. Step away from the ßowers.
Death Religion Death Religion , , Do all the people in Heaven have money? Riches... Beyond your wildest dreams. Everyone? Everyone. I guess you won't be having Bingo then?
Marriage Philosophy Safety , The End Near , D'you wanna wait for the next one?
Travel , guard , Can I sit in the front half of the plane?
Aliens Children Aliens Children , UFO UFO , DADA
Grooming Marriage , boxing gloves , Aren't you dressed yet! My mother will be here in Þve minutes.
Banks , Banking Loans , Every one of the ten character references you provided said you owed them money.
Children Doctors Health Retail , child , He's swallowed $4 in small change! Can you operate before the stores close?
Animals Children Pets , cat , He's swallowed my clockwork mouse!
Food Restaurants Service children , , Okay, my good woman. We'll go with the ol' strawberry shortcake and four small spoons.
Employment , boss finance , I reviewed your salary, as you requested. We're paying you too much!
Art Innovation Marriage , artist , You want it to look lifelike, don't you?
Children Health , bed hospital , Don't play with your father's pulley!
Food Government Health Safety , bowl , As my new ofÞcial food-taster, you are continuing the proud tradition of your 16 predecessors.
Effectiveness Retail Service Effectiveness Retail Service , , Do you work here? Do you have these in size ten? Take a seat, Sir. I've got these in size 10 or the blue in 9 1/2. No D'you like the yellow? Did you come here to waste my time?
Retail Sales , Sale , I don't need the warranty, I'll bring it back if it doesn't work.
Food Marriage Quality Restaurants Service , Happy Birthday Ralph , You idiot! I said write, 'Happy Birthday, Ralph' on that one.
Animals Effectiveness Employment , cat cowboys possum , I said, 'Round up a POSSE!'
Animals Children Marriage , birds birth child child birth , Where were you?
Children Marriage , baby , You said you wanted a large family.
Quality Sales , bamboo , That bamboo chair you sold me is still alive!
Crime Retail Sales , Sale , Which credit card d'you want - R.G. Williams, Miss S. Peters or the Rev. J. Thomas?
Food Marriage Quality , catsup , I wish you wouldn't buy this cheap ketchup.
Food Marriage Quality , , What are you doing? Making meatballs for tomorrow's picnic. The recipe says they can be eaten hot or cold. I'm not sure... How d'you think I should serve them? With a tennis racket.
Effectiveness Quality Service , Ace Movers , D'you want the piano in the living room?
Effectiveness Quality Retail Sales , foot , Too big?
Lodging Marriage Safety , fat , I let your brother use the hammock.
Doctors Health Safety Doctors Health Safety , ambulance ambulance , He was trapped on a ledge, 36 ßoors up.
Animals Science , Monkeys monkey zoo , They're almost human!
Death Marriage , bible , Hold on! What's this about 'til death do us part'?!
Crime Lawyers , 2198 justice prison , Two months to select my jury and they found me guilty in 17 seconds.
Effectiveness Food Marriage , bowl , It's homemade alphabet soup!
Food Quality Restaurants Service , customer , I've only got two pairs of hands, you know!
Children Entertainment , bed , Stand by for the earthquake.
Innovation , cave cave men cavemen men , Charlie Innertube, one day your name will be a household word!
Effectiveness Employment Grooming Quality Service , barber , I hired you to sweep the ßoor. Leave the customers alone!
Doctors Grooming Health Quality , doctor , I like the facelift, but my wife thinks my ears are a touch too high.
Doctors Health Science Doctors Health Science , , Send in the first patient. The waiting room is jam-packed full of people! I think it's something to do with the Lunar Eclipse. Don't be ridiculous! Next
Children , child , I'm warning you, Rodney, I want you home by ten o'clock, and no later.
Effectiveness Religion Safety Technology , Help , There's a monk trapped in the elevator.
Leisure Sports aliens , hunting , For our own safety, we should leave this lot alone for another few thousand years.
Effectiveness Health Effectiveness Health , , What's the matter with you? I can't sleep. Count sheep. One, two, three... Not so loud! Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight... six hundred and forty-two, six hundred and forty-three... nineteen thousand, two hundred and twenty-seven...
Animals Children Farming Animals Children Farming , , Chickies! I know you're my oldest son, Harold... Moo cows! ...But I've been thinking things over. Piggies! When I retire... Ducky wuckies! Bow wow! I'm leaving the farm to Charlie.
Animals Marriage Safety , cage zoo , It says 'Do not feed the animals'.
Crime Lodging , binoculars , Quick, take a look! There's a guy walking out of our house carrying the T.V.
Ethics Marriage , husband , 'Harry,' she said, 'I wanna marry you for your money!' And we've been happy ever since.
Employment Health , Bus Stop , Have you used up your sick leave?
Education Fashion Education Fashion , , How's it going? I know you, don't I? I never forget a face. Don't tell me... I think I've got it. You were in my class at Design School.
Dating Quality Restaurants , chef , There is another Savoy Grille downtown. Maybe you were supposed to meet her there.
Effectiveness Military Safety Travel , captain , D'you want your coffee now, Captain? We've hit an iceberg.
Crime Grooming Television , bath , Don't stop singing! You've got a nice voice.
Animals Science Animals Science , , That is your Great Ape We're supposed to have evolved from those... What a life! Free meals, free accommodation... no bills. Just sitting around all day. It makes you wonder... Maybe they evolved from us.
Effectiveness Employment , Wet Paint , Does that say 'help wanted'?
Effectiveness Friendship Leisure Sports , clubs golf , Something tells me I'm in for a very long day.
Diet Doctors Food Health , doctor , I thought so! You're not chewing your food.
Animals Pets , boa constrictor snake , Cleo, get off of there and let this nice man sit down.
Effectiveness MAIL Effectiveness MAIL , , That for me? ...From your brother. He lost his glasses.
Marriage Retail Sales Marriage Retail Sales , , I'll buy this handbag... Cash or charge? Wait a minute. Charge.
Food Health Marriage , bed hospital , Go and tell Mommy that Daddy forgot his key.
Fashion Grooming Marriage , husband , I'm not interested in what you like. I'm the one who has to look at it.
Dentistry , dentist , I'll have to charge extra for that one.
Diet Food Health Marriage Quality Safety , bed , All I can say is, I'm glad I didn't eat any of it!
Marriage Miscellaneous Safety , bed , Maybe it's some sort of omen!
Construction Lodging Quality , chair , I've nearly Þnished this. Got any furniture polish?
Children Ethics art , , This is called 'Reclining Nude'. I don't think the children should be looking at it.
Art Sales Art Sales , , They tell me you are one of the best artists in the country. How much would you charge to do my portrait? Head & shoulders or full figure? Full figure. Three thousand! Three thousand? Lady, we're talking a lot of paint.
Marriage Service Television , , When are they coming to Þx that T.V.?
Animals Children Food , bowl chicken , Where in a chicken do the noodles come from?
Leisure Marriage Safety Sports , hunting shoe , The one and only time he went hunting.
Employment Retail , boss , Did you Þre Williams in 'Fruit & Vegetables'?
Animals Leisure Marriage Sports , beach shark surfing , Is that you? You've only been surÞng Þve minutes!
Crime Quality Service , axe history , Are you sure you're comfortable like that?
Automobiles Banks Crime , Banking Police , You say you were inside robbing the bank and someone stole your car?
Animals Lodging Pets , bowl eagle fish gold gold fish , An eagle came straight through the ceiling and grabbed the goldÞsh.
Quality Restaurants Service food , , It comes with three vegetables: two peas and a carrot.
Dentistry Food Restaurants Service , chef , Can you get that guy's teeth off of this?
Entertainment Leisure Marriage , cast , I can't get comfortable!
Effectiveness Fashion Marriage , button , I didn't have a button, so I cut the hole off.
Food Quality Restaurants Safety , ambulance , Anyone here eat the pork chops?
Innovation Marriage , , I nearly didn't come with all that rain.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bottle medicine pharmacy , Take one capsule tonight, and if there's no improvement by tomorrow morning, take the whole bottle.
Effectiveness Ethics Government Travel , ALCOHOL UFO , Anything to declare?
Leisure Marriage Newspapers Safety , beach , I fell asleep on the beach, reading the newspaper.
Marriage Safety Technology Training , instructions , It says right here. You're not supposed to open the lid during the spin cycle.
Animals Food Pets Restaurants , elephant , Two hamburgers, one coffee and a bucket of water.
Quality Retail Safety , charge finance , Cash or charge?
Effectiveness Marriage Travel Effectiveness Marriage Travel , UFO UFO , I love the ocean This is ridiculous. Getting up at six A.M. to come to the beach. In a couple of hours this place will be packed. The early bird gets the best spot. We've been married 27 years... I never learn.
Entertainment Marriage food , , Nobody's leaving! Why don't you start singing one of your songs?
Animals Pets , dog , Let's go, Rex. It's time for your piano lessons.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , restaurant , Tea! I said I wanted a small tea!
Miscellaneous aliens , , Quick, put it on. Someone's coming!
Food Marriage Quality , dinner , Pull out as much as you want.
art , , I can't seem to make up my mind about this one!
Grooming Marriage , bath , I told you not to lay in the bath all afternoon!
Children , child , Either you buy me a bike or I'm gonna get myself adopted.
Ethics Mail Quality , , It's marked 'urgent' so I read it on the way over.
Advertising Quality Retail Service Advertising Quality Retail Service , , Excuse me Hi...we're your friendly corner drug store. Excuse me. We do things the old-fashioned way... value for money and pride in our courteous service I need a bar of soap Will you belt up! Can't you see we're making a commercial here?
Marriage , friend , He was an unmanageable 6'2 when I married him.
Children Education , child , Dad, I'm starting grade six soon. I guess this is where the 'generation gap' begins.
Ethics Mail , , Remember, only bend the ones which are not marked 'do not bend'.
Banks Effectiveness , Banking Loans , Come on! Tell the nice man how much you want to borrow.
Marriage Marriage , , You look tired... I've been sitting here all day thinking how lucky I am, having a wife like you. Not many wives would get a full-time factory job to help out when their husband gets laid off work... ...especially at your age. Don't think I don't appreciate it. What are we having for supper?
Doctors Health , bed hospital nurse , Where are you hopping off to?
Animals Miscellaneous Pets aliens , , They don't allow those on my planet.
Automobiles Service Automobiles Service , , I'm sure it's covered in the warranty As you know, I've only had the car six months I get a flat tire in heavy traffic... Dive into the trunk to get the spare ...and what do I find? It doesn't have all this stuff on it.
Dating Grooming Quality Retail , after shave , I'll take another bottle of this after-shave.
Doctors Ethics Safety , frankenstein , Aw c'mon doc, let me borrow a mirror.
Food Marriage Quality , baking , It's homemade bread! D'you want two slices?
Automobiles Marriage Safety , HMN5 , What was that cyclist shouting about back there?
Automobiles Dating Leisure Marriage , boyfriend picnic , That was my ex-boyfriend's car!
Leisure Marriage Leisure Marriage , , How I envy you... I'm 93 now, but even as a young girl I was always rather frail... ..never very athletic. Back in the 30's, my dear husband used to bring me here... I used to sit and watch him running around all day... ...strong as a horse... He used to love this park.
Leisure Service Sports , bicycle , I lost the key for my padlock!
Food Leisure Service , butler , Simpson, bring me an order of onion rings and move that candle further down the table.
Children Employment , child , He's only been at his company for a year and already he's getting the minimum wage!
Marriage , birthday , I know it's your birthday soon, but what can I buy a woman who has everything?
Animals Pets Retail , aquarium dog , Got a dog to Þt that?
Military , bench history , Is the war over?
Diet Quality Travel , Adventure Tours , Here's one you'll love! Two weeks in an open boat without food and water.
Animals Pets , dog , I can't understand anyone being afraid of dogs.
Automobiles Effectiveness Food Restaurants , Police , I'll have a cheeseburger and a root beer.
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , , Who's that? The guy next door is fixing up his kitchen and wants to know if he can borrow your ladder. ...And a paint roller? ..Turpentine? ...A two-inch brush? He wants to know what color paint you've got...
Animals Pets Retail , aquarium cat , D'you buy used cats?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , customer , Of course it's half eaten! You said you wanted the Chef's salad.
Crime Lawyers Crime Lawyers , , So, you're back! D'you think you can get me probation again? With your thirty-eight previous convictions, it's getting tougher........ Fortunately.... I think I can convince the Judge that with you behind bars and out of circulation... it could jeopardize a very rewarding career. I don't have a career! Not yours! ....MINE
Food Marriage Quality Service , coffee , All the cups are dirty. D'you want your coffee in that?
Fashion Quality Retail , Sale , Is it too tight across the shoulders?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , customer , Now scrape that off the carpet and serve it to him on a clean plate.
Entertainment Food Marriage , movie , I told you not to eat popcorn while you've got hiccups.
Education , geography , Whoever shouted 'Turkey' was correct.
Doctors Employment Health , doctor , It's a pity you're unemployed! You need a couple of weeks off work.
Food Quality Restaurants Service , bottle , Be careful with the wine. I had trouble getting the cork out.
Crime Effectiveness Marriage , prison , When are you going to face the fact that you're a lousy pickpocket?
Effectiveness Employment , assistant , I'm your new secretary. Am I an hour late or 23 hours early?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , bandages nurse , I wonder why they make these Þnger bandages so long?
Animals Mail Pets , dog , The mailman's been here.
Entertainment Innovation , , Where have you been all night? My theatre group is planning a once-in-a-lifetime historical extravaganza.... Would you believe "BEN-HUR"? I thought your stage was only 10 ft. wide! It is... What about he chariot race? They want to borrow our wheelbarrow.
Children Health , babies birth child child birth hospital , That's the last time we'll use this hospital!
Employment Sales , application , I hear you're looking for an aggressive salesman.
Ethics Friendship Marriage Technology , bedroom neighbor , Your friend Muriel is going through Harry's pockets again!
, , Welcome to planet Earth. Is your mother home?
Dentistry Health children , , Look at that! Sixty-two-years-old and not a single cavity.
Employment Lodging Marriage , bricks , I told you last week I had to work late tonight!
Children Retail , candy , George, how many years have I been coming in this candy store?
Doctors Health , disease , I don't really want a diagnosis. What diseases have you got for under $50?
Effectiveness Employment Marriage Newspapers , bed , You won't Þnd a job in the 'Sports' section!
Doctors Health Marriage , bed hospital , I knew he was really sick. He hasn't complained about anything for three days.
Children Employment Holidays , child , You wouldn't even have that job if my Grandpa hadn't got the ßu.
Animals Friendship Marriage , antlers hunting , This rascal chased the wife's mother 20 feet up a tree.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage Sales Service Technology , appliance , I need a dishwasher that can handle heavy, baked-on grease - three times a day.
Effectiveness Employment Holidays , christmas , Fired already! You were only there Þve weeks.
Animals Marriage Pets Television , dog , The TV keeps switching back to 'Wild Kingdom'!
Government Government , SMILE SMILE , Where's your shoe tax plate? Hold it, Buster, I'm giving you a $50 ticket for displaying a lighter-than-air device for the purpose of advertising. ...Also a $25 ticket for consuming a meat product without the use of a plastic glove. Where's your pedestrian permit? In the good old days... Back in the 1980s ... we used to sit in our own air-conditioned cars and zoom along without all these regulations.
Children Health , cast , Did Grandpa give you permission to take that off his bad leg?
Education Marriage Science , archaeology , Where did you put my book on archaeology?
Banks , Banking application , This is your loan application back from our head ofÞce.
Marriage Retail , after shave , How about a bottle of aftershave for her legs?
Food Quality Restaurants Service , can , Whaddya mean, 'The strawberries aren't fresh?' I just opened the can Þve minutes ago!
Children Holidays Retail , child , Fourteen shopping minutes to Christmas!
Food Marriage Quality , dinner , If I didn't love you I wouldn't eat your cooking, would I?
Miscellaneous Travel Miscellaneous Travel , ISLAND UFO ISLAND UFO , Hey! HELP OVER HERE OVER .... here Ouch!
Animals Art Retail Sales , Books , This wildlife book you sold me is nothing but pictures of animals!
Grooming Quality , bald , Someone told me you'd had a hair transplant.
Effectiveness Employment Holidays , , May I talk to you for a few minutes? Sir, I know I've been doing a fantastic job. The toy department has been packed with kids since I started two weeks ago. So I was wondering... Why not keep me on... For twelve months?
Marriage , husband , Here ... tell your mother we're out. She won't believe me.
Children Employment Holidays , child , Here, work your way through that lot and I'll go easy on you next year.
Holidays Marriage , cards , Mother sent us each a Christmas card.
Automobiles Crime Marriage Safety , accidend , They dropped the speeding charge but I've got to pay for the three storefronts and the railway station.
Effectiveness Marriage , broom , You can sit there 'til I Þnd out where you hid my glasses!
Employment Holidays , Seasons Greetings , You don't look a day over 30 years old!
Food Retail , cashier , That's $194.32, less four cents for the bonus coupon.
Automobiles Marriage Training Automobiles Marriage Training , , You got a problem? What are you looking at? My wife got her license and took the car for a solo around the block. What time did she leave? One o'clock. It's only one fifteen... ..Only a quarter of an hour! One o'clock last Tuesday...
Effectiveness Lodging Maintenance Retail , Plumbing Supplies , Got one of these?
Employment Health , bed hospital , If you don't think you can make it into work tomorrow, give me a call.
Employment Grooming Employment Grooming , , Who are you looking at? Get a haircut before you go for that job interview. How do I look? Straighten your tie. ...And for goodness sake hold your back up. Mr. Smythe will see you now, Sir. Grab yourself a chair.
Children , grandchild , Don't forget, Grandpa, when my friends get here, I told them you were over a hundred.
Animals Pets Retail , Free Goldfish fish gold gold fish , I can only see two in there! Did one escape?
Grooming Service , bald barber , I like it fairly short and parted in the middle.
Marriage Retail Service , husband , My wife bought this and I want to return it.
Animals Pets , cat dog , Look what your dog did to my costume!
Children Diet Food Restaurants , child , I'll have a teeny-bopper-burger-razzle and she wants a coffee.
Quality Retail Safety Service , Complaints , Lily, give me a price on those beekeeper hats.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Don't look at me! Look to the front.
Lodging Maintenance Safety Service , fort history , You just poured boiling oil over the window cleaner!
Children Education , chalk board , I make mistakes to keep you on your toes!
Health Marriage , Jogger , Is that your idea of exercise - buying a book on jogging?
Lawyers Marriage , chair , How did things go at divorce court?
Marriage Marriage , , What are you looking so unhappy about? I'm starting to realize I'm not the man I was twenty years ago I'm beginning to think I'm becoming a 'has-been' You'll never be a 'has-been' Whaddya mean? You've never 'been' anything in the first place
Animals Miscellaneous Pets aliens , turtle , Did he say he was coming back, or what?
Doctors Grooming Health , doctor , Whatever made you think plant food would make your hair grow?
Animals Lodging Pets , chair dog , I pretty much run things around here.
Food Marriage Restaurants Science , fork , Who ordered the giant clams?
Banks Marriage Service , Banking Instantbank , Maybe your account's overdrawn!
Leisure Marriage Sports , diving husband sky sky diving , Yes, skydiving! He's going for his Þrst jump tomorrow.
Government Restaurants Service , crown , I don't care who you are! Take your hat off in this restaurant.
Entertainment Ethics Friendship Leisure Marriage , Two Aces cards , I wish you'd sit down, Lily. I never win when you keep pacing around.
Children , chair , Do you feel anything yet?
Training Training , , Don't be nervous. Is this right? Lean forward more. Okay, now start with your left leg... Swing your arms. How's that?
Employment Government , body guard history , Tell me a funny joke. He'll stop you if I've heard it.
Fashion Government Philosophy Politics Fashion Government Philosophy Politics , , Can anyone think of anything else? I like the part about the pursuit of happiness It's really hot in here Maybe we should mention something about not having to wear jackets if we don't want to ...and short-sleeved shirts That's not a bad idea How would we word it? What about, 'Everyone should have the right to bare arms'?
Grooming Health , Check Your Weight , It went around twice and stopped on 18.
Crime Marriage , bed , Someone broke in while we were asleep. They left $10!
Children , boyfriend finance , We're having a tough time managing on your son's allowance.
Animals Health Miscellaneous , tail , Why do they call you, 'the elephant man'? You look perfectly normal to me.
Marriage Military , history husband , Every cloud has a silver lining! Now you've got two swords.
Animals Art , artist duck , You gotta be real fast when you're painting ducks!
Leisure Marriage Retail , bicycle , We need a bicycle built for two - and one for me.
Ethics Miscellaneous Ethics Miscellaneous , , What are you muttering about? Did you see what my sister sent me for my birthday? What is it? A battery-powered vegetable slicer. What's wrong with that? It's the thought that counts. It's the one we gave them for Christmas!
Food Marriage Technology , dinner , We'll have to have dinner out; the toaster's broken.
Effectiveness Health Innovation Science Technology Effectiveness Health Innovation Science Technology , , Working on your inventions? That looks interesting? It's finished. Does it work? Sure it works. It works great... ...But it's too big. What is it? An artificial heart.
Employment Sales , boss , One of you two will be my next sales manager.
Animals Pets Television , dog , Did you hear me whining when your show was on?
Dating Ethics Restaurants , boyfriend , I'll get the check. Pass your money under the table.
Education Health , books library , Have you got any books on how to overcome shyness?
Retail Sales , Buy One Get One , Can I buy one half and get the other half free?
Doctors Ethics Health , , Is that Alex Wilson who used to live on Pinewood Crescent? Is that you, Alex? ...This is your brother... your brother Ralphy... That's right, Ralph... Yeah, I know thirty years is a long time, but I've been busy. How's Doreen and the kids? Yeah, well, you said some things, too, but that's a long time ago.... Blood's thicker than water, Alex. Listen... Have you still got two kidneys?
Lodging Marriage Travel , Seaview Hotel , D'you wanna stay here tonight or sleep on the beach and eat?
Lodging Maintenance Science Lodging Maintenance Science , , What's wrong? In about two billion years they think the sun is going to explode It'll wipe out this and most of the other planets... ...And eventually shrink into what they call a White Dwarf. So what? I'm justtrying to decide whether to wallpaper the kitchen.
Animals Food Leisure Pets Service , groom horse , You've been overfeeding my horse again, Smithers!
Ethics Lodging Maintenance , fence neighbor , I don't usually borrow stuff from strangers, but I like your face.
Leisure Marriage Sports , ball bowling , Nice shot! That one crossed 12 lanes and wiped out the coffee machine.
Employment , boss , Here, you want to be plant manager. Take care of this!
Effectiveness Food Marriage , cookies , I made two dozen chocolate chip cookies. Can you eat all of them?
Children Dating Marriage Children Dating Marriage , , Are you listening to me? Dad, I've been seeing Ronald for five years now and he wants us to get married. That spineless wimp! He's not a spineless wimp! Why didn't he come and ask me himself? He can't. He's outside double-parked.
Health , Exray hospital nurse , Don't bother undressing. I'll turn up the power.
Marriage , , This is my wife's twin brother, Arnold.
Automobiles Effectiveness Lodging Marriage , car , I got the car in the garage, but I had to drive it through the kitchen.
Automobiles Miscellaneous Travel , bug , Biggest bug I ever saw!
Marriage , husband police , Can the police give you a speeding ticket in a car wash?
Mail , , Anything for 22A?
Miscellaneous Retail Sales , 185 , Have you got this chair in dark brown?
, husband husband , My brother got a job in a wallpaper factory.
Fashion Retail Sales , Jeans , The largest waist size we have is 24 inches.